My boyfriend blindsided dumped me and I'm lost?

[californiagirl15]

Hi all -- over a week ago, I was dumped out of no where. I'm trying to make sense of it but the reasons I was given/any others coming to mind are just still not aligning. Just looking for some insight & advice on how to proceed! I cannot stop blaming myself. I am 26 and he is 29. 

I had just gone to several of his family events (who I'm close with/have good relationships with) within the last month, and had a great weekend together where we were talking about moving in together. Then, 12 hours later, I was dumped.

I got a text in the middle of the day after hours of completely normal conversation/a weekend of being together saying he wanted to talk about concerns before his upcoming family vacation, immediately I went into panic mode asking what concerns he was referring to/what was going on. He kept downplaying my responses and telling me he just wanted to talk in person and it was going to be a long conversation so to stop trying to get details from him now. 3 hours later, he showed up at my front door with all my stuff from his place in bags.

A few months ago, I invited him on my family vacation over thanksgiving to Florida. I figured it would be fun for him since we golf, and that it wouldn't a big deal since he sees the same side of his family all the time. My family vacation to Florida for thanksgiving is my only family event of the year. This was supposedly his reason for dumping me. He said he can't see himself not spending a holiday without his family... he told me he won't be used to "not eating turkey" and his "mom would be sad." This immediately struck some fear in me. I go to every single family event of his, and I was only asking for one compromise and I couldn't get it. We got into a heated argument, I left the room for 20 minutes to calm down and then re discuss in a different manner. I told him lets just not worry about spending the holiday together now, but I would appreciate when the time comes if I could be prioritized for this one holiday since its the only time I get to go on a trip with my family. Again, I didn't think it was that big of a compromise. They all see each other every month or so, sometimes even more, and then he will hang out with his cousins on weekends & if he didn't see people on Thanksgiving, he would see them 3 weeks later at Christmas. 

He then continued to just insult the trip since it was to Florida and if he had known he had to go there once a year, it would've been a dealbreaker months ago. I was so shocked and taken aback..like the worst thing you can think of was I invited you to Florida? Along with that, I was given the reason that we don't see eye to eye on vacations. I like to travel and I'm always of thinking of fun places for us to go. I don't book anything without asking and to be honest, within the 2 years we dated, we only went on 2 long weekend vacations together. He told me I can never sit still, I'm never satisfied, nothing is ever good enough, and I make him feel like a bad boyfriend because I always want to plan trips with him or I asked for a weekly date night.

I asked for one holiday to be spent with my family because we see his family very often. I would say 10+ times over the year we see his extended family, if I do not go on my vacation, then that's the only time of the year I get to go. I tried to reason and showcase how often we see his family, if he misses them at thanksgiving he would see them 3 weeks later at christmas, and then in the end told him, to forget about it for now but when the time comes (ie: after marriage) I would like to spend thanksgiving with my family because of how special the vacation is to me. I told him do not just agree with me to get me to stop talking, I want to make sure we are on the same page. He said we were, and then 2 months later I am dumped over it.

It was hard to get him to compromise on anything that involved slight change. When talking about living together, I mentioned relocating to a different part of the city to be more cost effective for me since I do not have a car and would have to buy one just to stay where we wanted. The difference was not even 5 miles, but it made a difference to me since I would be able to walk places. That was a nightmare to get him to come to terms with. Then, once that happened, he all of a sudden started to insult my interior decorating and saying he doesn't want my apartment to look like "disney world." I have 3 disney items (black & white coasters, a wooden kitchen spoon, and a cutting board that sits in a drawer). It bothered me because I was trying to find us a place where he could have his own room just for sports/video gaming/an office.

He struggles with anxiety. At times when we would disagree, he would stress out and say how much he hates fighting. I would remind him that just because we are disagreeing on something or annoying one another, does not mean we are fighting. We are a couple and thats bound to happen. I can't help but feel like he just had this overwhelming sense of anxiety and exploded because I was asking for one compromise where I had to be put before his family. I know that people who have anxiety struggle with change because they have found comfort in places that make them feel at ease, but I can't imagine throwing a whole relationship away where we were talking about engagement rings and living together over me just wanting him involved in one holiday with me.

We've been in no contact for over a week, I want to reach out and just say I'm not sure why this happened/how we had such a great foundation and hopefully we can figure it out to just plant the seed in his head of "what did I do?" but I know I cannot get my hopes up.

Advice anyone? I know this is long but I'm so lost at what to do! I can't help but place blame on myself and I understand how important his family is to him. I feel like I would showcase how actively involved I was in his family, whether it was texting his mom or going to every family event they had. I just wanted one holiday that was so special to me because it was my one family vacation that we've done since I was a baby & something I always wanted to do for my family one day. 

[stillafool]

If he came over to break up with you with all of your things in tow it seems like he's made the decision that it's definitley over.  TBH, I would be so put off by the fact that he can't miss one family get together so we can spend a holiday with my family that I would agree with the break up and say good riddance.  That's way too selfish for my blood.  It seems everything is his way or the highway so let him have the road alone without you.

[californiagirl15]

1 hour ago, S2B said:

Did he say what his concerns were about the upcoming family vacation? 
 

it seems that vacation triggered him to want to end things.

do you get along with his family?

Yes I went to every family event. He didn't say what his concerns were -- I was at every family event, would talk to his mom almost weekly, and had a close relationship with his cousins & their girlfriends. His concerns were his "feelings" which stemmed from me asking for him to spend a holiday with my family.

[Stret]

I don't see why do you blame yourself for wanting one thing for yourself? He has made your relationship all about satisfying his own needs without any regard to yours. Why do you want to be with him at all, and don't you think that you deserve better? I think you do. 
He sounds like a spoilt brat. He is criticizing you, he doesn't acknowledge your needs, as someone said, with him it seems to be "it's my way or the highway". You need to be seen and understood, and taken care of in a relationship. The way he dumped you is also a sign for you showing you just whom you were dealing with - a man who does not care about you, your feelings, needs, or how his behaviour affects you. 

Listen to me and you'll thank yourself one day for dodging the bullet. Leave and don't look back, don't contact him, don't answer his messages and calls. Let his behaviour and personality he displayed in your relationship hit him like a boomerang. You have to be strong to do that but you can do it. And your 40 year old self will be so proud of your younger self. Don't fall for any of his tricks to get you back - he will never change permanently, these things are too engrained in a person. 

But to be honest, reading your thoughts here, I'm not sure you can pull it off. Read Nicole LaPere (the holistic psychologist) on Instagram or Twitter and improve your sense of self-worth. Good luck in either case. 

[stillafool]

13 minutes ago, californiagirl15 said:

Yes I went to every family event. He didn't say what his concerns were -- I was at every family event, would talk to his mom almost weekly, and had a close relationship with his cousins & their girlfriends. His concerns were his "feelings" which stemmed from me asking for him to spend a holiday with my family.

I know a lot of women put confidence in haviing a good relationship with the family as a shew in to a guy's heart.  While they appreciate it, it does not carry the weight women think it does.  I know myself there have been guys that my parents were crazy about for me; but if I'm not feeling him any longer that was the end no matter what they thought.

[Els]

Honestly, it sounds to me like you dodged a bullet. Yes, healing will be hard at first, but once you're truly done with him, I guarantee you you'll look back and say "Damn, I am so glad we broke up".

[flitzanu]

chiming in with the others.  this guy sounds like a controlling selfish jerk, and that you're going to be far better off without him.

relationships have to have compromises, and i doubt this is about the vacation with your family, but just an easy excuse.  if he had all your possessions boxed up to bring you this has been brewing in his head for a long time, that he just isn't into the relationship anymore.

heck, maybe he's getting sick of you standing up for yourself and not letting him push you around and force his behaviors on you.

 

find someone that is proud enough to want to spend time with YOU, regardless of if that time is in florida.  he should be proud to be invited and go along.

block and delete.  this isn't your fault.

[Alpacalia]

Yep. Everything is on his terms. You're well rid of him.

[californiagirl15]

27 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

chiming in with the others.  this guy sounds like a controlling selfish jerk, and that you're going to be far better off without him.

relationships have to have compromises, and i doubt this is about the vacation with your family, but just an easy excuse.  if he had all your possessions boxed up to bring you this has been brewing in his head for a long time, that he just isn't into the relationship anymore.

heck, maybe he's getting sick of you standing up for yourself and not letting him push you around and force his behaviors on you.

 

find someone that is proud enough to want to spend time with YOU, regardless of if that time is in florida.  he should be proud to be invited and go along.

block and delete.  this isn't your fault.

For sure, it seems like an easy excuse which is why I'm so confused haha! I was supposed to go on vacation with his family next week - it was a cruise and I had a lot of stress around it due to time off work I had to take, not loving boats/getting sea sick etc. He took it as it just wasnt my cup of tea to go on a cruise. Granted was he wrong? No, but I never insulted it. It's almost like I could never not LOVE every single thing his family did, but he could make comments about something I did or my family enjoyed.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, californiagirl15 said:

it was a cruise and I had a lot of stress around it due to time off work I had to take, not loving boats/getting sea sick etc. He took it as it just wasnt my cup of tea to go on a cruise.

Yeah, sea sickness isn't your cup of tea.  Now that he's broken up with you, you now don't have to worry about that boat trip.  Another good thing about the break up.

[Kassieee]

He wants everything on his terms, he's not willing to compromise. 

You seem like a fun person- " you can never sit still" and set up dates and like travel. GOOD, you're 26 years old... don't let him dim your light and make you feel bad about it, you didn't do anything wrong here. Insulting you because you have some Disney items. He's like a dark cloud. I've seen bright girls lose themselves and change trying to please guys like this. 

You two aren't compatible. You'll find a guy who appreciates your efforts.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. It seems you tried very hard to make things work despite a lot of differences and incompatibilities.

Agree you may have dodged a bullet if he's almost 30 and still in lockstep with his family.  

[basil67]

I agree that you're well rid of him.  Imagine living with or being married to someone who would not compromise on anything. 

One this is that I'm a little concerned that you seemed to be going to such lengths to be part of his family.  It's great to be around them when convenient, but twisting yourself in knots to get time off to go on a cruise when you'll probably only get seasick is a step too far.   It's OK to say "I can't get time off work and will probably get seasick anyway..so I'll sit this one out and you go have a great time".   

Then again, I wonder what his reaction would have been if you had politely refused the cruise.   And what would his reaction be if you'd politely excused yourself from one of his less important family events to spend time with your own friends? 

[californiagirl15]

2 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I agree that you're well rid of him.  Imagine living with or being married to someone who would not compromise on anything. 

One this is that I'm a little concerned that you seemed to be going to such lengths to be part of his family.  It's great to be around them when convenient, but twisting yourself in knots to get time off to go on a cruise when you'll probably only get seasick is a step too far.   It's OK to say "I can't get time off work and will probably get seasick anyway..so I'll sit this one out and you go have a great time".   

Then again, I wonder what his reaction would have been if you had politely refused the cruise.   And what would his reaction be if you'd politely excused yourself from one of his less important family events to spend time with your own friends? 

It's funny you mentioned that, I was more so just told I was going on the cruise rather than invited. Either way, the odds of me turning down a vacation with his family who I knew his whole life revolved around...slim to none. When I started feeling nervous about going, telling him I get seasick, claustrophobic in a room without any windows, not sure how I'll be feeling...it immediately turned into "my parents paid for you to go and you should be appreciative" or "if this cruise was going somewhere tropical you wouldnt be saying these things" 

[basil67]

12 minutes ago, californiagirl15 said:

It's funny you mentioned that, I was more so just told I was going on the cruise rather than invited. Either way, the odds of me turning down a vacation with his family who I knew his whole life revolved around...slim to none. When I started feeling nervous about going, telling him I get seasick, claustrophobic in a room without any windows, not sure how I'll be feeling...it immediately turned into "my parents paid for you to go and you should be appreciative" or "if this cruise was going somewhere tropical you wouldnt be saying these things" 

He sounds like an a**h***...and I suspect that in marriage, he would become even more controlling.   You've just dodged a bullet

I hope he hasn't come looking for you to refund his parents for the cruise.  If so, you do not owe them anything.  Block and delete this idiot

Edited August 15, 2023 by basil67

[JTSW]

Don't blame yourself. The things you asked for were more than reasonable.

It's better to see his true colours now than further down the line before things got worse.

You spent allot of time with his family and he doesn't want to spend any with yours.

That show's the kind off selfish asshat he is.

Honestly, he sounds really horrible and I'm baffled what you saw in him.

[BreakOnThrough]

I imagine it was WAY more than about the holiday, based on his reaction, it's best you look forward instead of back.  He made the move and you have to accept it.

[californiagirl15]

26 minutes ago, BreakOnThrough said:

I imagine it was WAY more than about the holiday, based on his reaction, it's best you look forward instead of back.  He made the move and you have to accept it.

It was about the holiday, how I reacted to him taking a vacation with his friends & mom but made it so difficult for me to plan trips with him. Those were the reasons that I got... it's really not in his character to lie/see people behind my back so i know it is not that. I'm just trying to wrap my head around how those two comments boiled up into this. He struggles with anxiety and wondering if he just did not communicate something was bothering him until he just exploded. He's very very close with his family and it was a fear of mine that no matter what I would never be prioritized over them in any capacity. I was fine with that until it came to wanting me to give up a once a year family tradition so he could visit his aunts house that hes at every other month with the same family he sees all the time...and until he was so excited to take trips with his friends or his mom and not me. I made a snarky comment that wasn't even bad & I apologized for almost immediately. It just seems stupid to me which is why I'm hoping it can be repaired but trying to figure out if its even worth it. 

[JTSW]

@californiagirl15, re-read everything you have written in your posts and comments.

A dozen plus visits a year to his family and he breaks up with you over ONE suggested trip to your family.

That is so messed up.

I really hope you can see and understand that he a complete narcissist.

 

[stillafool]

47 minutes ago, californiagirl15 said:

He's very very close with his family and it was a fear of mine that no matter what I would never be prioritized over them in any capacity. I was fine with that until it came to wanting me to give up a once a year family tradition

You shouIdn't be fine with not being a priority in your boyfriends life.  This means you'd never be the priority in his life.  Thank God that this guy did you a favor and broke up with you because it wasn't going to get any better.

[flitzanu]

also, you keep mentioning how he has "anxiety" and worry this is related to his mental health...it 99% is not.  i think you're looking for a substantial reason and this isn't one.

*spoken as a person diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety.  that's not what causes someone to break up over not gettiing his selfish ways.

[californiagirl15]

23 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

also, you keep mentioning how he has "anxiety" and worry this is related to his mental health...it 99% is not.  i think you're looking for a substantial reason and this isn't one.

*spoken as a person diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety.  that's not what causes someone to break up over not gettiing his selfish ways.

i think i'm just searching for something to make this make sense, i dont understand how someone can have an argument that came to a resolution/apologies months ago be the random cause of a break up when everything was fine just hours before

[stillafool]

33 minutes ago, flitzanu said:

also, you keep mentioning how he has "anxiety" and worry this is related to his mental health...it 99% is not.  i think you're looking for a substantial reason and this isn't one.

*spoken as a person diagnosed with major depressive disorder and generalized anxiety.  that's not what causes someone to break up over not gettiing his selfish ways.

I agree.  I guess it's natural to try to look outside the relationship to blame the break up on.  The truth is he's serious that is why he brought over your things.  He sounds like he's just not feelin it anymore and using th holiday thing as an excuse to end it.  He's definitely hiding something.  He hasn't tried to talk to you since you broke up, so.....

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, californiagirl15 said:

everything was fine just hours before

It wasn't really fine though, was it?

Reading your posts, I get the picture of quite a one-sided relationship with you being a lot more invested than him. 

[californiagirl15]

27 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It wasn't really fine though, was it?

Reading your posts, I get the picture of quite a one-sided relationship with you being a lot more invested than him. 

He was completely fine! I would have never guessed it - he was talking about moving in together and everything. A few months ago, I made one comment out of jealousy about his mom. He refused to go on vacations with me and made it so difficult for me to even talk to him about going somewhere and she asked him to take her somewhere and he was ready to go to the airport right then and there. I made a snarky comment about it, he ripped into me for coming after his mom, and I immediately apologized. I didn't even say anything mean about his mom - I was just expressing how the situation made me fee. I can't help but feel thats what caused this whole thing.

Edited August 15, 2023 by californiagirl15