Texted an old crush and it opened up unexpected feelings

[lavenderandvelvet]

TL;DR: I texted an old crush that I went one great dead end date-ish outing to get some advice. And it opened up some confusing what if feelings.

Long story ahead:

So a couple years ago I met someone at work - he was a consultant for my company and we were working on a project together. We connected pretty much instantly, and things got friendly and probably a smidge flirty. During this working relationship he also moved across the country. At some point he made an intro that led me to a better opportunity. So I quit, and he said if you come to my city we can go out and celebrate. 

I had friends/family in his city so I scheduled a weekend trip for my time between jobs, and he planned an outing. Outing is key here, in retrospect this where things all went wrong. Anyway it was pretty much my best date ever, but we never called it a date. And at the end of the weekend it was unclear what should happen next. So life happened, he was settling into a new city and I had a bunch of stuff via a new job and volunteering. 

While we were working together, our convos often detoured to personal stuff and I got to know him on a few levels.

Over the next couple of years we casually kept in touch with social and birthday texts. So basically he was an acquaintance. 

Fast forward to last summer, he texted me to see if I wanted some items his sister was giving away - she was moving out of my area and he was visiting to help her. So we met up in person for the first time in years, and had a little catch up. We talked about work, family, complained about. Good chat and yup still felt there was a connection. He was like if you are ever in my town, look me up and we can grab drinks. 

Fast forward to this spring, I had recently started a remote job for a company in his city, and ironically was staying near his neighborhood. I dropped him a line, and he said rain check because I have covid. I said I will look you up next time I am in town, because it looked like I would make semi-regular visits for work.

Well things didn't end up working out that way, I got laid off, had a stressful family situation, and took a break during the spring to process everything. 

A few weeks ago he randomly reached out to ask me some work advice - a bit surprising because I would assume he had other people that couple have helped out with this thing. But we chatted a bit and I filled him in a bit on the work situation. He offered to help out, make intros since this is pretty crappy job market and I told him I'd reach out when I was done taking a break.

Well it turned out that not long after, a mutual colleague reached out with a job opportunity that I accepted. I started this week, and I also had a family situation that came up that was similar to one he faced too.  So I decided to text him a quick update on the job situation (since it was a mutual connection) and ask his advice on the family stuff - it was something we had chatted about during that last meeting.

He ended up replying really quick, and I got both a helpful and surprisingly vulnerable response from him. And that was when the confusion clicked in. I remembered how we had such an easy vibe and connection and starting thinking about all the what ifs. 

At the time I met him, it was really when he was wrapping up his life in my area and starting this new one in a different city far away. And it was so early in our getting to know each other there was no obvious foundation to build on when we did go out. In a lot of ways we had just met, but he also needed to figure out this new life he was creating for himself. 

Anyway, it is a big who knows right now. Would something happen? I don't know. Are we going to keep talking right now? I don't know. Will I be in his city soon? Not sure either, but I have another friend moving there in the next couple of weeks. What do I want? I am not sure either. There is one parallel reality where we have crossed the chasm and become great friends. There is another version where it is something more. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[JTSW]

Honestly, nothing in what you have said shows he has any interest in you.

You have a fixation with this guy and created a scenario in your head that there is something between you.

There isn't.

If he was ever interested in you he would've told you a long time ago.

It's all in your head. 

He invited you to celebrate your new job and you saw it as a date when he never mentioned anything about a date.

Nothing in your post indicates that he has any kind of romantic interest in you.

[stillafool]

The only way to know if he has a romantic interest in you at this point would be to ask him out on a date, and make sure he knows it's a date.

[Alpacalia]

I think he is not interested in you the way you are interested in him. If he were, he would have taken more initiative in the past few years to reach out and connect or meet in person. It's possible things could develop differently at some point, but right now it does not seem like he's looking to take it to the next level. Did he ever shown signs of romantic interest when you met or caught up? I'm not seeing a whole lot of them in the story.

[lavenderandvelvet]

2 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

I think he is not interested in you the way you are interested in him. If he were, he would have taken more initiative in the past few years to reach out and connect or meet in person. It's possible things could develop differently at some point, but right now it does not seem like he's looking to take it to the next level. Did he ever shown signs of romantic interest when you met or caught up? I'm not seeing a whole lot of them in the story.

Short answer is yes! Didn’t want to make an even longer post.

 
We both noticed that we had an unusual connection and remarked on it  

I would say at some point things went from friendly to more flirty and personal over time in the work context. We were getting into the deep cut topics and not just surface ones  

By the time I went out with him this was a point where he was always quick with compliments, praise, and we were grabbing lunch 1:1 when he was in town. 

The date/non-date was dinner + Broadway show + drinks at his house + and a couple more stops. He told me about being a late dating bloomer. He’s a relatively touchy guy, but things did go past hugs. It was not like hanging out with a coworker (which I also do). We didn’t talk about what should happen next. 

This is the sort of person for me that when we do chat it is like no time has passed and it is all pretty easy. That is what drives this what if thoughts. We also have similar life experiences and life goals. The more we chat the more commonalities. It is kind of uncanny. 
 

It could be a whole friend thing as well. It is unknown. At the moment it is undeveloped. 

When I saw him last year all that chemistry was still there below the surface. We talked about dating even - he brought it up and mentioned was casually seeing someone he was unsure about.  
 

Obviously a big blocker is the whole location problem. 
 

Who knows where our current conversation will go. Maybe we will broach some dating topics. 
 

 

[Alpacalia]

4 hours ago, lavenderandvelvet said:

Short answer is yes! Didn’t want to make an even longer post.

 
We both noticed that we had an unusual connection and remarked on it  

I would say at some point things went from friendly to more flirty and personal over time in the work context. We were getting into the deep cut topics and not just surface ones  

By the time I went out with him this was a point where he was always quick with compliments, praise, and we were grabbing lunch 1:1 when he was in town. 

The date/non-date was dinner + Broadway show + drinks at his house + and a couple more stops. He told me about being a late dating bloomer. He’s a relatively touchy guy, but things did go past hugs. It was not like hanging out with a coworker (which I also do). We didn’t talk about what should happen next. 

This is the sort of person for me that when we do chat it is like no time has passed and it is all pretty easy. That is what drives this what if thoughts. We also have similar life experiences and life goals. The more we chat the more commonalities. It is kind of uncanny. 
 

It could be a whole friend thing as well. It is unknown. At the moment it is undeveloped. 

When I saw him last year all that chemistry was still there below the surface. We talked about dating even - he brought it up and mentioned was casually seeing someone he was unsure about.  
 

Obviously a big blocker is the whole location problem. 
 

Who knows where our current conversation will go. Maybe we will broach some dating topics. 

It may develop further, or it may remain an interesting puzzle. All you can do is wait and see. Keep dating and exploring in the meantime outside of this connection.

Edited August 14, 2023 by Alpacalia