Hangnail Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 i don't know if this is where this goes. 5 years ago i was raped. he was never caught, and i have been dealing with it since then. i'm all right, i guess. my sister has been dating this guy for 3 years, and they are getting married in august 2006. i've always felt uneasy about him. at their engagement party, he got on the microphone and said "i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you" after he'd been drinking quite a bit. it brought back flashbacks of my rape. he was drunk and saying "i love you" over and over again as he raped me. it was just like my future-brother-in-law's speech. "both" men are black. (my family is white/latino mix.) i feel in my gut, this is the guy who raped me, and my sister is going to marry him. i don't know what the hell to do.
Tangerina Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 Hmm.... is there anything else to link the "two"? Like how did he meet your sister, where were you raped, did you ever get a good look at him, etc.... That sounds like a reall creepy situation, though... good luck! When you were raped, did the police take DNA samples? MAybe they could be compared....
submart Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 Scary stuff!! Ummm I suggest you get yourself into therapy to help you sort through burried memories of your rape. This is not to upset you, but rather to help you heal. Suppressing memories will only come back to haunt you...and you sadly learned. Describe your rape in as much detail as possible. It may take a while to do this, but that's ok. You don't have to post anything here, if you are uncomfortable, but do write it in a journal of some sort. Flashbacks can come back whenever we experience a trigger. Rapists oftentimes will tell their victim things, such as that they love them. The important thing, is to observe how this man treats your sister. Good luck with everything!
RecordProducer Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 Another fake thread??? So many potential Hollywood lemonade writers here!
whichwayisup Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 Let's not assume this person is fake. Also it is a confirmed account. Do you have any evidence that was taken from your rape? Maybe matching DNA would help this. I'm sorry for what you went through, that's awful. And even more awful if it is him! I think you need to look that man in the eye - really look at him and see how he acts towards you. Don't be alone with him though. Also, how does he act when he's around you? Is he nice or joking about? Do you always get weird feelings from him or just that one time when he was drunk at the party? It is just possible that the way he said I love you over and over again and the fact he was drunk made you have a flashback. Eerie similarities in race too, so that set you off as well. Can you talk to your parents? If not, then you need to find someone to talk to about this!
Author Hangnail Posted November 9, 2005 Author Posted November 9, 2005 i'm not a fake poster. i don't really suppress my memories, but i don't dwell on them either. i've come a long way in 5 years. thank you for your support. i am afraid to say something to my sister in case i am wrong, but i am afraid not to say something in case i am right. it just all seems to fit to me. i haven't been searching for my attacker, so i don't think i am just looking for someone to blame. i was always a little uncomfortable around him, like he might try to "go for me" if my sister would never find out. he's a nice guy, i guess, but someone that you might just feel weird about. i am at a total loss. i don't want to hurt anyone, and i don't want to blame an innocent person. i also don't want to dredge up all these old memories and relive them all over again for nothing if it isn't him. yes, they took dna samples, but he wore a condom. there was also hair. i didn't find him about 7 line-ups. so i guess they could test him, but getting to that point is the problem...i am afraid to find out and not to find out at the same time. it's hard to get your life back after someone ruins it, and i don't want to be the one who does that to someone. i just know it's him, though. it has to be. when i heard him talking, the way it was slurred, it was like it was happening all over again. this is so hard.
whichwayisup Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 The fact you're unsettled around him means your gut is talking to you! Listen to it. Don't tell your sister but I do think you need to tell your parents. And see if you can take a hair for DNA testing. Is there anybody in the police dept you can talk to and let them know your suspicions without them going to him and talking to him? Also, you say that you don't want to be alone with him because you feel he could come on to you - THAT is a huge red flag. The gut instincts don't lie! When we meet people and something doesn't feel right inside - That weird feeling takes over - Most run or atleast don't involve themselves around that person. Sadly for you, this man could be part of your family. I don't know what else to tell you except you need someone to talk to in your family and fast. Get this settled and find out somehow if it is him, without breaking any laws...I wonder if it is possible to obtain his hair, get it tested without him knowing? Hope you feel better, try to get some sleep.
Author Hangnail Posted November 9, 2005 Author Posted November 9, 2005 that's what it is, it's my gut. i pass black guys all the time (i live in a decent size city with lots of black people) and i have never come across one that i thought "that's him. he's black it must be him" i just knew none of them were. and i feel like this one...is. i do need to talk to someone. it just sucks because usually it's my sister that i talk to. i would feel horrible getting my parents invloved in sneaking behind my sister's back and having her fiance tested to see if he is the man who raped me. they're older, and it would always be a secret between us. it makes me uncomfortable to think this would tear my family apart. i guess i'll have to do it somehow myself.
Author Hangnail Posted November 9, 2005 Author Posted November 9, 2005 i called a crisis hotline. they also said i should tell my parents. but i'm not some 15-year-old kid that needs her parents right now. they're supportive, but i like keeping the two worlds seperate. i don't want my rape to be the focus of every event in which i see my family. i told them the whole sitaution and they said i could go myself to the police and talk to someone myself confidentially. i think i will do that. they'll tell me what to do, and i can do it without involving anyone else and making a mess out of all of us. thank you people.
NatoPMT Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 Every potential outcome there is to this situation will cause serious hurt. There are reasons for you feeling this way, but the reasons aren’t based in fact, they are based in the subjective. I agree they need to be looked into, after what you have been through, there could be sources to your feelings that you haven’t quite identified which could be mixing up your reactions to people. I am a believer in gut reactions, they have served me well in the past, but in your case these gut reactions hold too much to stake. I don’t know if the police can test someone without telling them they are being tested? Or without telling them what they are being tested for? In the UK there are special rape crisis units that are specialists in treating women after being attacked. I personally would rather go anon to one of these or maybe to a diff police station than the one where the case was dealt with and find out exactly what the legalities are so you don’t get any nasty surprises. I say this because once you voice your fears, it may be taken out of your hands. And I am sure you wish to keep some control over this in the preliminary stages to ensure your sister is treated properly, and to make sure your family arent hurt unnecessarily. The police may detain him as soon as you mention his name? I hope they would be more sensitive than that but I don’t know, just find out first what would happen before you action anything with those on your case.
RainyDayWoman Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 blahhhhhhhhhhhhhh. sorry. i am still deciding whether this is real or not. this is a hard one...
sparticuss Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 that's what it is, it's my gut. i pass black guys all the time (i live in a decent size city with lots of black people) and i have never come across one that i thought "that's him. he's black it must be him" i just knew none of them were. and i feel like this one...is. i do need to talk to someone. it just sucks because usually it's my sister that i talk to. i would feel horrible getting my parents invloved in sneaking behind my sister's back and having her fiance tested to see if he is the man who raped me. they're older, and it would always be a secret between us. it makes me uncomfortable to think this would tear my family apart. i guess i'll have to do it somehow myself. Hangnail. My one year old nephew can't stand me. Avoids me like the plague. And thats pure gut feeling on his behalf. Meantime all my other niecies and nephews are all over me like rash. And I'm the same person treating then all in the same manner. So, by all means follow your gut. But don't trust it. There are plenty of guys, and girls, will give you the creeps. But its usuallybecasue they are wierd, not rapists. ie Your gut has the right idea but it's reached the wrong conclusion. I'd say contact the police. Also, did you have any confidential counselling when the attack occurred. Ask for the same person, once again in confidence. Heres an interesting angle. If you have to obtain, and test, his DNA, illlegally, under false pretences, then you may destroy your case for convicting him even if he is guilty. BUT If he is innocent then nobody , paticularily him and your sister, will ever know , but you and the police. And, if he is guilty, but can't be convicted, at least you have protected your sister from him, by telling her what he's really like. My opinion? I smell, perhaps, 80% wierd and 20% rapist. But my opinons are only opinons. You need DNA, not opinions.
Kenyth Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 Get some DNA secretly, just in case. If it matches, the police can get another sample legally. This may not be as far fetched as it sounds. Rapists and murderers are generally closer to thier victims than you might think. He may be a mutual aquaintance of a friend or something. That might be how he was introduced to her sister. There's also a good chance this is just an anxiety attack, brought on by his similar behavior to her rapist. A trigger to her rape memories. This is understandable. I think it's better to be safe than sorry anyway.
jmargel Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 Hangnail, if I were you I would talk to your sister. Don't come out and accuse him of it, however mention it to her that when he said those words repeatedly and how he said them it gave you flashbacks on what happened during the rape. Let her know that it's something that it out of the ordinary during a rape that someone would say that. However if he really raped you do you think he would want to even be around you? I'm not going to say it's him or not because you don't have proof but if I was stupid enough to rape someone the last person I would want to date is their sister. You can goto the police, you can even look up the criminal history online (for a price) That might be a benefit to you. Search in google.com. Becareful some sites are scams however there are some legitimate ones.
SamandBran Posted December 23, 2005 Posted December 23, 2005 I would definitely try to find more evidence to link the two of them. What was done to capture your rapist? Just as someone mentioned, where are the DNA samples that they collect (assuming they did collect some). I don't want to sound Angela Lansbury on you but I would try to get some DNA by collecting hair from his brush or something else that he may use on his hair(if the root is still attached, it will carry this). Or discreetly save a glass that he drank from and take it to the authorities and suggest that this may help with their case. I can't believe that 5 years have gone by and they have not caught him with all the technology we have nowadays. My sister told me a story of a woman that was raped years ago and later she saw her rapist on that show "Elimidate". She called the authorities to notify them of this and he was caught and put behind bars. For your sister's sake, I hope that her future husband is not your rapist. And I hope that this information will help you do what you have to do to get your case resolved. I would be livid if my rapist were still running the streets freely. Good luck and keep us posted.
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