GF ghosting [combined threads]

[ChatroomHero]

I have been dating a girl for about 6 months.  Everything was going perfect. We met each other's families, saw each other about 2-3 times a week, went on a long weekend trip with her family that went amazingly. No issues, no fights, same wavelength.

A few weeks back I felt she was pulling away a little but we still talked or texted a few times every day and saw each other. I saw her last Saturday, had a great time hanging out. By Monday I noticed her not really responding to texts and not answering my calls or calling back. By Tuesday she told me via text she was going through some things and had a lot on her mind but wouldn't say what it was. I asked if there was anything I could do and if she needs me, let me know. She responded there's not much I can do but be understanding.

The texting was sparse and short. It's Friday and I have not heard from her since her last text on Tuesday and she didn't respond to my last text. She left on a trip Thursday as far as I know and the plan was I was going to leave work early and meet her but obviously that is not happening.

I am perplexed that she went silent, dismissed our plans without so much as a word. I am at the point now that I don't want to reach out to her because I feel the ball is in her court and she is choosing to avoid me and based on the situation I am not sure how to handle it. Part of me feels I should reach out and ask what is going on exactly and part of me thinks I wouldn't get a good answer and if I did, the answer would be something pretty bad.

Right now as far as I know she will be out of pocket mostly until Sunday and I am not planning on reaching out, I feel she can reach out when she is ready. If she does reach out, I am not sure I can accept the complete ghosting and going forward I think I have lost a lot of trust in just a few short days.

Her ex husband is in the picture with her kids but is supposedly with an old gf for the past few years. She has said repeatedly she would never go back to him and their situation ended with him leaving her and she was  a complete surprise and the ex's gf was in the picture for the last few years of their marriage. Supposedly she had contact with her ex to move stuff out of her house that had been there for a few years, so she may be feeling down about the whole situation because after a few years, I think it's still pretty raw for her.

She told me when she is stressed she shuts down and avoids people. I completely get it because I do to, however I am very low pressure and would expect after 6 months of a serious relationship if she simply came out and said she is shutting down and needed a few days, I'd say contact me when you are ready and I'd be ok with that. Her just saying she needs "understanding" just leaves me thinking, understanding of what exactly? I love this girl to death and until now she was perfect and I don't use that term lightly but I feel if she comes back, I am not sure I want to go forward knowing she could ghost again and I'd almost rather move on than get put in this position again down the road and that would be devastating. I am pretty jaded from dating and at this point I could probably put it out of my mind for a long time like she never existed until at some months down the road I could grieve easier and get past it. I have gotten pretty good at mentally kicking the can down the road until the wound isn't so raw and easier to deal with. I know I'd rather rip the band aid off now instead of a year down the road. If it gets deeper, it will be a lot harder for me to deal with.

I guess my question is, is there any point in reaching out or am I right in just accepting what is and if she reaches out she reaches out?

If she does reach out, am I wrong for feeling disrespected and not happy with how she handled it?

I want to be understanding if she is going through something and shutting down because I get it but it's hard to understand a complete ghost.

Edited September 1, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
edited for privacy

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. What is her trip all about? Is her children's father moving his stuff out of her house recently? All you can do is give her space and see what happens. 

[ShyViolet]

If I were you I would text her with something like, "Listen, I know you said you have a lot going on and need space, but are you wanting to end our relationship?  If that is the case just come out and say that, I would appreciate knowing where we stand."   If she wants to break up with you then so be it, but she at least owes you that basic honesty.  Ghosting is very disrespectful and cowardly.

If she continues to be elusive and withdrawn then just leave her alone and don't contact her anymore.  But don't let her drift in and out of your life.  Just be done.

[ChatroomHero]

29 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

If I were you I would text her with something like, "Listen, I know you said you have a lot going on and need space, but are you wanting to end our relationship?  If that is the case just come out and say that, I would appreciate knowing where we stand."   If she wants to break up with you then so be it, but she at least owes you that basic honesty.  Ghosting is very disrespectful and cowardly.

If she continues to be elusive and withdrawn then just leave her alone and don't contact her anymore.  But don't let her drift in and out of your life.  Just be done.

I've considered this and think eventually that is what it would come to but I feel that sounds a bit needy and if she does really just need space, pile more on/push her further. I am typically straight forward and would send exactly that, it just feels maybe it would be the wrong thing at the wrong time. I'll give it some thought.

[ChatroomHero]

51 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. What is her trip all about? Is her children's father moving his stuff out of her house recently? All you can do is give her space and see what happens. 

My understanding is he was moving stuff on Monday and she had been asking for a long time for him to take it. I know she was sad over the whole situation recently, divorce, the impact on the kids, etc. Her kids are all pretty much grown and I got along very well with her kids. Her trip is with friends, staying a few nights. Planned 2-3 months ago and I was invited then. I tend to think give space but at the same time if she was more straight forward and came out and said she needs space, I wouldn't have to wonder if she just needs space or there is something else going on. I am leaning towards not reaching out because her actions are showing that's what she wants and that's all I have to go on.

[ChatroomHero]

36 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

If she continues to be elusive and withdrawn then just leave her alone and don't contact her anymore.  But don't let her drift in and out of your life.  Just be done.

That's what bothers me. If she reaches out, I would have the feeling that it will happen again and it's not something I care to deal with again so it leaves me in a fool me once situation, even if she just legitimately is stressed out and shutting down. It seems a bit heartless to put me in that situation, yet she is not that type of person from anything I have seen.

[Ami1uwant]

43 minutes ago, ChatroomHero said:

That's what bothers me. If she reaches out, I would have the feeling that it will happen again and it's not something I care to deal with again so it leaves me in a fool me once situation, even if she just legitimately is stressed out and shutting down. It seems a bit heartless to put me in that situation, yet she is not that type of person from anything I have seen.

My perspective…

 

must back off and let communicate with you.  
 

if you say are we over then you can come off as desperate  or selfish.

[ChatroomHero]

2 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

My perspective…

 

must back off and let communicate with you.  
 

if you say are we over then you can come off as desperate  or selfish.

That's kind of where I am at. Thanks for the reply.

[introverted1]

Meh, I am not impressed with her.  She is old enough to clearly articulate what is going on:  "I am stressed with having to deal with my ex picking up his stuff and that is bringing back a lot of memories that are painful to me.  I need a few days to process but I can't wait to see you on X day."  

Simply disappearing with a vague request for "understanding," especially when you were meant to join her on her trip, doesn't fly, imo. Nothing you've described warrants her treatment of a bf she presumably loves and cares about. 

She's 44?  She needs to put on her big girl panties and act like an adult. 

[ChatroomHero]

1 hour ago, introverted1 said:

Meh, I am not impressed with her.  She is old enough to clearly articulate what is going on:  "I am stressed with having to deal with my ex picking up his stuff and that is bringing back a lot of memories that are painful to me.  I need a few days to process but I can't wait to see you on X day."  

Simply disappearing with a vague request for "understanding," especially when you were meant to join her on her trip, doesn't fly, imo. Nothing you've described warrants her treatment of a bf she presumably loves and cares about. 

She's 44?  She needs to put on her big girl panties and act like an adult. 

The frustrating part is I had no indication she would ever handle something like this like she has, in fact, the opposite. It's hard to process.

[Alpacalia]

Well, one thing is for sure, she isn't allowing you the opportunity to support her through whatever she is going through. 

You're absolutely right to give her the time and space to sort out her issues, if that's what she needs. If she wants to repair the relationship, she needs to understand what she did wrong and take responsibility for it. It's not like you were expecting or wanting her to tell you everything she was going through.

It is strange that she would respond in the way she did, considering that you did nothing wrong and were merely offering your assistance. It sounds like she is still dealing with a lot of emotions around her failed relationship and she is having a difficult time accepting that her ex husband is moving on. Maybe she didn't want you to be a part of that because lets face it, what boyfriend wants to hear about his girlfriend's ex?

All you can do is give her some space and wait and see. If she needs it, she'll come around. But you might want to ask yourself if this is a relationship that is really worth investing in.

[ChatroomHero]

4 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Well, one thing is for sure, she isn't allowing you the opportunity to support her through whatever she is going through. 

You're absolutely right to give her the time and space to sort out her issues, if that's what she needs. If she wants to repair the relationship, she needs to understand what she did wrong and take responsibility for it. It's not like you were expecting or wanting her to tell you everything she was going through.

It is strange that she would respond in the way she did, considering that you did nothing wrong and were merely offering your assistance. It sounds like she is still dealing with a lot of emotions around her failed relationship and she is having a difficult time accepting that her ex husband is moving on. Maybe she didn't want you to be a part of that because lets face it, what boyfriend wants to hear about his girlfriend's ex?

All you can do is give her some space and wait and see. If she needs it, she'll come around. But you might want to ask yourself if this is a relationship that is really worth investing in.

Thank you. I have to say you are spot on. When it comes to her ex, I could tell she was a bit wounded and dealing with it but she seemed pretty open about it and said she had moved on after a couple of years and it definitely seemed like it. I never pushed her or asked much about it other than when we had conversations along those lines. More or less, I let her tell me what she wanted and never pushed her about it. She seemed to be pretty well adjusted from it. 

When I offered to help I didn't know any specifics about the things on her "mind" and I didn't take her response as standoffish, she basically said she had a lot on her mind and she would get through it. I need to let her know that just cutting me off isn't acceptable but the tricky part is not "piling it on", I guess.

I think I am just going to occupy my mind for a few days so the resentment doesn't grow and leave it up to her to reach out. If I don't hear from her when she gets back, I'll have an answer even if I don't have a reason.

 

[Alpacalia]

3 hours ago, ChatroomHero said:

Thank you. I have to say you are spot on. When it comes to her ex, I could tell she was a bit wounded and dealing with it but she seemed pretty open about it and said she had moved on after a couple of years and it definitely seemed like it. I never pushed her or asked much about it other than when we had conversations along those lines. More or less, I let her tell me what she wanted and never pushed her about it. She seemed to be pretty well adjusted from it. 

When I offered to help I didn't know any specifics about the things on her "mind" and I didn't take her response as standoffish, she basically said she had a lot on her mind and she would get through it. I need to let her know that just cutting me off isn't acceptable but the tricky part is not "piling it on", I guess.

I think I am just going to occupy my mind for a few days so the resentment doesn't grow and leave it up to her to reach out. If I don't hear from her when she gets back, I'll have an answer even if I don't have a reason.

 

At this point, her attitude and response are really up in the air. If you do get a response, I think you're going to have to assess how she replies, what her tone is and pick your words carefully while being sure to express your honest feelings.

I've ghosted before. 

He called me several times, but I wanted a clean slate with us so I stopped taking calls. It was after he said something I thought was crappy.

You two were in a relationship so bit different obviously but the sudden cut-off I am sure is hurtful and that's going to be your main issue. It's not like you can magically forget that she cut you off without explanation or an apology. You still have to address that. If she reaches out, you don't need to be accusatory or demand an explanation. 

 

Edited August 11, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Wiseman2]

6 hours ago, ChatroomHero said:

. I know she was sad over the whole situation recently, divorce, the impact on the kids, etc. 

Let her sort all this out since she was quite specific about what's bothering her and why she needs a bit of space to sort this issue out with the ex, divorce and him collecting his stuff. She will probably contact you after her trip when the dust settles from her stress with all this.

[ChatroomHero]

58 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

At this point, her attitude and response are really up in the air. If you do get a response, I think you're going to have to assess how she replies, what her tone is and pick your words carefully while being sure to express your honest feelings.

I've ghosted before. 

He called me several times, but I wanted a clean slate with us so I stopped taking calls. It was after he said something I thought was crappy.

You two were in a relationship so bit different obviously but the sudden cut-off I am sure is hurtful and that's going to be your main issue. It's not like you can magically forget that she cut you off without explanation or an apology. You still have to address that. If she reaches out, you don't need to be accusatory or demand an explanation. 

 

That's how I am seeing it. On one hand, it is intentional so I am not real happy about it, on the other hand I get shutting down. I think the difference is even when I shut down and recoup, I'm pretty clear and try to be reassuring with people that I am keeping to myself so they are not left twisting. I guess I learned over time when you shut down, make sure you don't hurt the ones that actually care for you. To me it's so out of character for her I am perplexed but I can't control it. It does make me a little angry but I don't think I could really be or stay angry with her. The bigger issue is how to tactfully deal with the fact that the trust is eroded and whether I want to get on the ride again to hit the same roadblock in the future.

[Alpacalia]

19 hours ago, ChatroomHero said:

That's how I am seeing it. On one hand, it is intentional so I am not real happy about it, on the other hand I get shutting down. I think the difference is even when I shut down and recoup, I'm pretty clear and try to be reassuring with people that I am keeping to myself so they are not left twisting. I guess I learned over time when you shut down, make sure you don't hurt the ones that actually care for you. To me it's so out of character for her I am perplexed but I can't control it. It does make me a little angry but I don't think I could really be or stay angry with her. The bigger issue is how to tactfully deal with the fact that the trust is eroded and whether I want to get on the ride again to hit the same roadblock in the future.

Yes, that's going to be a big roadblock to overcome! Has she reached out? Or had any explanation why she shut down in the first place? Whether or not you want to get back on the ride with her is a big decision. I hope that either she has a real explanation or that you can reach some kind of understanding.

It's a tricky situation as you want to be fair and assertive in how you handle it and not let your emotions take over.

My advice would be to think carefully about what you want and the potential consequences of taking whatever action you decide to in terms of possibly salvaging the relationship or giving it up for good.

[Ray_xx]

My first question is: is she your official girlfriend? sometimes women tend to pull away when they want a man to show that they care so I am wondering if she is thinking it's been 6 months what are we? on the other hand I am thinking she is still in love with her ex husband and he's possibly been on the scene and she is mixed up in her feelings. You are a grown man, message her immediately: Hello, we have been seeing each other for 6 months, what on earth is going on? I care for you and although I respect your space I have the right to know where things stand, if you don't want to speak again I will delete your number and move on today. Don't be a mug and direct approach this immediately.  

[Ray_xx]

On 8/11/2023 at 3:09 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. What is her trip all about? Is her children's father moving his stuff out of her house recently? All you can do is give her space and see what happens. 

she's had enough space - almost a week after 6 months is down right rude 

[Alpacalia]

Yes, now that I think about it, if a boyfriend of six months disappeared to go deal with ex drama I'd be pissed. He totally deserves an explanation of what is going on. Dealing with ex drama is obviously a sensitive issue, but that doesn't give her the right to just up and go and ghost. She could have at least talked to you about it and told you what she was doing, so at least you could feel secure in the knowledge that your relationship was still a priority.

Edited August 12, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Els]

If you had been together for 6 weeks, I could maybe understand her going silent for 5 days. At 6 months, this would be a dealbreaker for me, IMO. Unless she was literally in the hospital with no access to her phone or similar extenuating circumstances, I'd be done.

[Acacia98]

On 8/11/2023 at 4:56 PM, ChatroomHero said:

I guess my question is, is there any point in reaching out or am I right in just accepting what is and if she reaches out she reaches out?

If she does reach out, am I wrong for feeling disrespected and not happy with how she handled it?

I want to be understanding if she is going through something and shutting down because I get it but it's hard to understand a complete ghost.

There's no point in reaching out. Give her all the space in the world, and if she decides to reappear, you do what feels right for you. If the trust is gone, it's gone, and you officially end things.

I suspect this is very much in keeping with her character. In my experience, when people warn you about their flaws ahead of time, they usually put a positive spin on them and make them sound benign. So it's likely not the first time she's shut down without bothering to explain stuff in a way that respects the relationship she's in. And it's not going to be the last time she does it either. 

[JTSW]

OP, I think you should text her and ask her if she is backing out of the relationship.

You deserve to know if this is the case so you're not wasting your time waiting and wondering.

[ExpatInItaly]

I think she’s being incredibly rude and inconsiderate at this point. This behavior would turn me right off and make me question just what sort of person I’m dealing with. 

It’s not needy to expect an adult to communicate like an adult, OP. It’s one thing to need some space. It’s another to expect “understanding” yet not so much as indicate what your supposed to be understanding of, and ignore you altogether. 

I would caution you to think carefully about what this says about her (in)ability to communicate effectively, and how she handles stress and conflict. My guess is that she’s going to make her exit from this relationship and honestly, that might be for the best. Someone who behaves this way is not in any place to handle a serious relationship. 

[ChatroomHero]

Update:

It gets worse. On Saturday I sent her a text and said it felt awful that she just cut me out and I asked why she stopped talking to me. She responded after a while and told me she called Wednesday night and I didn't answer. She called in the evening when she knew I was at a game. I legitimately never saw she called because it was buried by multiple other missed calls from recruiters. I only saw I had multiple missed calls that night after my game and checked my voicemail messages and there was not a message from her. Her text said she was out of town, had bad reception and she thought I was mad at her for being "down" so I that's why didn't call her back, which was in no way true. 95% of the time we text and if we call and the other one doesn't answer we would send a text. Even if I had seen the call, she called me around 7pm and knew I had a game, I got home around 11pm and she typically is in bed/doesn't answer the phone after 9pm so normally it's not a big deal if I didn't call her until the next day. I had specifically told her (and all my friends) before I often don't always see my individual missed calls because they get buried in work calls, recruiter calls and spam calls, so if I don't answer, text me because I always see that.

I didn't know she called Weds, didn't hear anything Thursday, Friday or Saturday until I texted Saturday afternoon. Bad reception or not, her text came through and she knew she could have called or texted and gotten through at some point if she wanted to. She got back home Sunday and texted she was home, had reception again but was going to sleep because she was tired. I responded I missed her and didn't hear anything back. Monday I asked when we can talk and she responded about an hour later that she would "call me back soon"...She never called.

After a couple of hours, I was feeling devastated and texted her that if she was back with her ex, he would understand if she gave me a 5 minute courtesy call after 6 months of both of us agreeing to be exclusive. That actually got a quick text response, she said it had nothing to do with him, she was busy cleaning up and then had to cut the grass and she was extremely stressed and mad at him and she would call me when she "had the chance to talk". Giving 5 minutes of her time to me fell behind cutting the grass. It's Wednesday and I haven't heard from her. She doesn't work in the summer, she could reach out at any time.

I am absolutely gutted and struggling to function. About a week and a half ago she came over and we had a great time. Never had a fight in the 6 months we have been seeing each other, never raised our voices or even had any real disagreement. Since then she will not even give me a 2 minute phone call. One of the last texts I had from her after the last time we saw each other, she said she loved me from but she used my name in the text which hit me as odd because she hadn't before. She texted, "Thank you XXX, I love you". That struck me as oddly formal at the time for some reason. Maybe it's just in my mind and nothing but my gut feeling immediately was that seems weird for someone I am dating and have a 6 month text chain with. Like I wouldn't text a long time friend or gf, "Amy, what are you up to tonight?", I'd text, "What are you up to tonight?". Maybe I'm wrong here.

The only thing I know is she says she is extremely stressed and won't tell me why other than her kids were fighting for some reason and she is mad at her ex and refuses to talk to me.

At this point it seems to me that she is intentionally trying to hurt me. I wanted to be understanding but I have no idea what I am supposed to understand. I just know, she's very smart and absolutely must know exactly how I would be feeling so it's intentional or else she had absolutely 0 consideration for me from the beginning. I talked to someone else that knows her and sees other people that know her. She was absolutely shocked and said from everything she heard, I was "the one". She indicated the only thing that would make sense is something with her ex. 

The one thing that hurts most, what she is doing to me is basically what her ex did to her a few years ago so I know she knows what the impact of what she is doing is. 

I'm just lost. If I do hear from her, I am so hurt, I am not sure how I could ever get over it. Whatever is going on, I cannot imagine any reason that I could ever accept as a reason to do this to me. I love(d) her to death and I've taken a lot of shots in my lifetime but I don't feel like anyone has ever broken me. She absolutely destroyed me with hardly saying a word. 

I'm hurt, sad, angry and depressed at the same time. At this point in my life, I know there is no way I could ever trust anyone in a relationship again. I could be seeing someone for 2 years but I would always expect one day they'd just randomly disappear without explanation so I can't imagine ever getting that far along before I bail on a red flag. If I texted or called and they didn't respond the same day or took a few hours, I would be out immediately. I know I will never give anyone else the benefit of the doubt. I will not commit to anyone in a relationship. If they told me they loved me, I'd think, "Yeah, sure, today you do but that doesn't mean tomorrow". If they rescheduled plans even once, I'd move on.

There's nothing they could ever say that would make me feel comfortable or really trust them and I know that wouldn't be fair to someone else, so that pretty much sucks because I know I won't allow anything to get to that point because either I would get hurt or I would hurt them, there would never be any other outcome. I know myself and I know I will never see a value in any relationship again, I'd just be waiting for the other shoe to drop even if it was 10 years down the road.

Maybe I am just not thinking clearly due to the stress and immediacy of everything but I am having a hard time even beginning to process the situation. Sorry for rambling, I guess I needed to get it out somewhere.

[semble]

Seems pretty clear, she's giving you the slow fade.

I'd consider this one to be over and done and start shifting your approach to moving on.

Wouldn't bother to keep chasing her at this point, and don't even think about doing the whole "are we over, I need answers" thing because the way she's treating you doesn't merit a response.

Have the last word by not saying the last word, just ghost her like she's basically done with you.