JTSW Posted August 10, 2023 Posted August 10, 2023 Just now, hopeful91 said: It means that I can choose not to just give up and go file myself and move on like you suggested I do. Ok, I understand that.
stillafool Posted August 10, 2023 Posted August 10, 2023 2 hours ago, hopeful91 said: I can just express the issues she stated. She said that I didn’t listen to her. She didn’t feel like our arguments had a conclusion. She said I would push her to be intimate with me. And both of those things led to disrespect. Okay if you are telling the truth and all of your arguments were about what you listed early in this thread; I know you don't want to hear it, but chances are 99.8% there's another man somewhere. Read around this forum and you will see threads by betrayed spouses whose situations started just like what you're describing. Then they come back annoucing we were correct that they found out their spouse had fallen for someone else. She's already told you she loves you but is no longer "in love" with you. Plus it doesn't sound like she desires you sexually if you're forcing yourself on her. The fact that she has already moved into an apartment and signed a lease says she's gone. I did that when I left my 1st husband and had no intentions of going back to him. You say you don't want to push her to divorcee, yet she's told you she's leaning to divorce. It's time for you to talk to an attorney and get your ducks in a row. 2
Alvi Posted August 11, 2023 Posted August 11, 2023 13 hours ago, hopeful91 said: She didn’t feel like our arguments had a conclusion. She said I would push her to be intimate with me. And both of those things led to disrespect. She doesn't feel that your arguments have a conclusion because nothing is changing and you are still doing what she is asking you not to do. Are you listening to what she is saying to you? Why didn't you talk to her the very first time when she You don't have to agree with her but this is what she is is telling you. This is how she feels. I am sure this has not happened overnight but gradually over a period of time. And to be honest, a person is justified leaving a relationship, if he or she doesn't feel respected and is forced to do something against a free will. I think, if you want to win her back, you have to start listening to her. And not just listening, but stop doing some things that she is not comfortable with. The two of you might be sexually incompatible, but it is the whole other story. On 8/9/2023 at 6:59 PM, hopeful91 said: I pushed her boundaries and made her have sex when she didn’t want to How did you think you misread the entire situation? Did she say "No" to you or expressed that she didn't want to sleep with you at that particular time? Did her facial expressions and body language showed at that time that she looked uncomfortable and didn't want to do it? I don't want to take sides here but she probably doesn't feel safe staying around you. So, she left. 1
basil67 Posted August 11, 2023 Posted August 11, 2023 14 hours ago, hopeful91 said: I can just express the issues she stated. She said that I didn’t listen to her. She didn’t feel like our arguments had a conclusion. She said I would push her to be intimate with me. And both of those things led to disrespect. The reason I asked about the arguments was to try and understand the dynamic between the two of you and whether or not it may be recoverable. When she said that you didn't listen to her, do you agree that her view is accurate? And if you do agree with her, why didn't you change the first time she raised the complaint? To be clear, if you're to ever get another chance with her, she will also want the answer to that question with an apology. For improving communication, do you know exactly what you need to change in terms of being a better listener? Do you know what topics she felt ignored on? Regarding sex, it's clear that you felt that you weren't getting enough sex and she felt violated by you pushing for more. So if the two of you were to get back together, what then? How much sex did you want vs how much sex she wanted? Can you live with her lower sex drive?
Alvi Posted August 12, 2023 Posted August 12, 2023 I see this a lot on this forum and in a real life. It goes like this: A wife expresses to her husband repeatedly that she is unhappy about XYZ things and and tells him what she needs him to do or not to do. She tries to tell his over and over over the course of month or years what she thinks is wrong. A husband is not listening to what his wife is saying to him or brushes it off and keeps doing or not doing the stuff that his wife is asking him to do or not to do. Sooner or later a wife reaches a point where she no longer cares. She is not feeling loved and appreciated or maybe not even safe in her relationship. Wife loses feelings for her husband and is no longer finds him attractive. Wife leaves (or asks her husband to leave) and wants a divorce. A husband, at this point, is completely oblivious to what is going on. He is not sure why his wife is leaving him and is absolutely sure that their marriage was a strong one. He is completely dumbfounded as to why she is has left him. A husband, instead of trying to talk to his wife and to really really really listen to what she is saying, is trying to come up with some reason why she left him. He goes into a complete denial and possibly thinks that she has some mental problems. It sure can't be him, she is an unstable one. He also may believe that there is another man in the picture. Which may or may not be true. But this is not even relevant since she believes that her marriage is over. 4 2
Lubecke Posted August 24, 2023 Posted August 24, 2023 This is a tough one. Sounds like she’s checked out of the marriage, but maybe not 100% entirely. The only thing you can do is YOU focus on CHANGING YOU for the better. Don’t necessarily worry about doing it together. Create the change you want to see, in the end, it will still benefit you going through the process of improvement whether or not you two end up going your separate ways. You will be ready and in a better place by the time someone comes long next. But for you keep LC, stay away from social media to view her stuff. Respect the space she’s asking for and put the work in for yourself.
spiritedaway2003 Posted August 26, 2023 Posted August 26, 2023 On 8/9/2023 at 8:59 PM, hopeful91 said: On a Wednesday, she called me and said she’s moving Saturday. Her parents came down, gave her a car, paid for her security deposit and first months rent and that was it. She left. She told me that she loves me but she’s not in love with me, she said I pushed her boundaries and made her have sex when she didn’t want to, I never listened to her, and I disrespected her. Are these complaints true? If they are, then she's been unhappy for quite some time and maybe have checked out of the marriage for a while. And please respect her wish/request for space. You're still not listening to her. Give her some space. In your case, maybe she will find that she misses you and wants to reconcile. Or maybe she will find that she feels more free and better off without being married. Both are a possibility. Prepare yourself for either. Let her file if you don't want to do it, but if she wants a divorce, there is nothing you can do to change her mind. It's not a couples counseling you need right now, but rather individual counseling for YOURSELF to see how you can find ways to cope better (including accepting her decision, if it comes down to it).
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