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Broke up 10 years ago with NC and then bump into my ex - should I talk after a decade of NC?

Ganz7

By Ganz7
in Coping

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Ganz7 Established Member

Ganz7

Posted
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Hi folks

It has been a while since I posted on here - around 8 years ago.  Since my ex cheated on me and walked out 10 years ago I bump into her and her little kid today at my local internet cafe.  Now, although I maintained no contact for over 10 years today I felt I should have said something like: "how you doing?".  I didn't and carried on working on my work emails.  The thing is I felt totally deflated when I got home -  like the day she walked out.  This bothered me that I could be so weak that emotions got the better of me today - I was a zombie for an hour or so before work took my mind of it.  

I suppose the dilemma here is, after so many years of NC when you have a chance encounter like this it may be easier to just say Hi and break the ice politely and then go about your day.  

Life is never simple eh?  lol

flitzanu Established Member

flitzanu

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well, it sounds like she didn't bother saying hello to you either?

if she saw you and didnt speak, that also gives you an answer.

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MsJayne Established Member

MsJayne

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The reason you feel deflated is that by not acknowledging each other you were acting like that relationship never happened, dismissed and devalued all over again. Perhaps you can comfort yourself with the fact that, if you felt like saying hello, you're no longer affected by what she did to you. Personally I would have taken the opportunity, and in front of her kid I would have said, with a big smile and a friendly tone, "You're looking well. How's your mum and dad? Are you still ho'ing around like you used to?" 

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Acacia98 Established Member

Acacia98

Posted
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11 hours ago, Ganz7 said:

I suppose the dilemma here is, after so many years of NC when you have a chance encounter like this it may be easier to just say Hi and break the ice politely and then go about your day.  

Maybe. But then again, it's possible that if you'd said hello to her, it would have provoked equally negative emotions in you. Unless you've previously been in that situation, you can't be sure about how you'd have felt.

Be kind to yourself. Forgive yourself for being human and reacting "the wrong way" to things (I genuinely don't think you reacted the wrong way, but it sounds like you may be judging yourself harshly). You're under no obligation to prove to her that you got over her and moved on. What really matters is your own emotional health, i.e. that you know that in your heart of hearts, you took the time to mourn the relationship and heal for your own sake.

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Wiseman2 Established Member

Wiseman2

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Always stings a bit to run into an ex. She didn't acknowledge you so think of this as closure.

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Kassieee Established Member

Kassieee

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I think that is a blessing that you two did not talk. You probably would've felt worse than you do now.

Life is NOT simple and entertaining an ex will not help  :lmao:

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Alpacalia Established Member

Alpacalia

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Maybe she felt like a meathead because she knows she screwed up by cheating on you.

I ran into an ex at Home Depot once. He wanted to get back together but I had not the slightest interest after we brokeup.

We exchanged pleasantries. You know, "yadda yardage, blah blah."

I'm not sure why you felt it necessary to say hi. She acted like a potato head, sc**w her! Lol

JTSW Established Member

JTSW

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She has a family now so not acknowledging each other was a good thing.

I can guarantee that she isn't feeling deflated or dwelling it so you shouldn't either.

  • Like 1
mark clemson Established Member

mark clemson

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It sounds mostly like seeing her triggered old emotions that went along with the breakup. So, that's a natural and transitory "associative" thing that your brain does.

Making conversation shows "normalization" in the sense that you are acknowledging her and your prior relationship. The ability to comfortably chat with her would suggest you've fully processed things and "moved on" emotionally to the point where you are comfortable around her.

Not saying anything is the status quo and honestly there is nothing wrong with that. You have a choice who to converse with and since things are completely finished and you have no real interest in her (beyond perhaps some passing casual curiosity) there is no real reason to speak with her.

"Airing her dirty laundry" around her child, who it sounds like you have nothing to do with, would of course have been vindictive and extremely toxic. But I think you realize that, fortunately for you.

Overall, you have both moved on and are at different stages in your now separate lives, and that's how it is.

Edited by mark clemson
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