Is it just my anxious attachment style or what's going on?

[chickendinner12]

Kinda feels like my partner of six months is not receiving my text messages?:

BF: "How was your day? Mine's almost over, what a relief. Work wasn't too bad today, been editing pictures of Joey (his dog) in my down time."

ME: "Oh, is he smiling? My day was alright, just paid some bills. That job I was looking at isn't showing, I guess they closed it early."

Nothing for 8 hours.

BF: "Good morning! [kissy emoji]"

ME: "Good morning. How are you feeling today?"

Two hours and still no reply.

It's like he's messaging me but not responding to what I say. I'm not a tech expert but I know his android phone has had limited space, so maybe that's preventing him from receiving. Or is he fading? 

[BrinnM]

Hard to tell. Maybe he’s not a big texter. Maybe he’s busy. I wouldn’t be worried. There’s not always that much to talk about. Unless he’s been super responsive and proactive before and this has abruptly changed, I wouldn’t think anything of it. But again, hard to tell if we don’t know more about the relationship in general. 

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said:

BF: "Good morning! [kissy emoji]"

ME: "Good morning. How are you feeling today?" Two hours and still no reply.

 How often do you get together in person?  The text exchange seems fine, but maybe he's not as into texting as you are. Why not talk about getting together? 

[chickendinner12]

13 minutes ago, BrinnM said:

Unless he’s been super responsive and proactive before and this has abruptly changed, I wouldn’t think anything of it. 

It has abruptly changed. He's not a huge texter but usually more responsive than this. My ex was a bad alcoholic, he could be out of communication for 36 hours depending on how drunk he got and whether he was arrested. This is triggering that trauma. 

Edited August 5, 2023 by chickendinner12

[chickendinner12]

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

 How often do you get together in person?  The text exchange seems fine, but maybe he's not as into texting as you are. Why not talk about getting together? 

We get together every other day. Had planned to do so again tonight. 

[BrinnM]

4 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said:

We get together every other day. Had planned to do so again tonight. 

Well then he’s probably saving his communication for the in-person meetings. Every other day is pretty frequent. I wouldn’t worry yet. 

[Gaeta]

2 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

It has abruptly changed. 

When did it abruptly changed?

[glows]

Ask him about it and see what he says. The speculation isn’t going to help and there’s too little to go on. He may be complacent and thinking I’ll check in with her, you respond and he goes back to doing whatever he was doing thinking you’ll catch up in person. It’s lazy and complacent if it isn’t a comm provider glitch. 

I wouldn’t jump to any conclusions at this point. Tell him you’d rather have a conversation even if it’s a phonecall instead of the drive by texts - if it indeed turns out he’s being lazy.

Edited August 5, 2023 by glows

[ShyViolet]

10 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

We get together every other day. Had planned to do so again tonight. 

If you see him every other day, then this texting stuff is not what I would focus on.  What is the vibe when you spend time with him in person, are things good, does he seem connected and still fully engaged in the relationship?  That's all that matters.  Not everyone likes to carry on long texting conversations.

[basil67]

He's getting the messages.  But these conversations are so bland that they don't invite response.

12 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

BF: "How was your day? Mine's almost over, what a relief. Work wasn't too bad today, been editing pictures of Joey (his dog) in my down time."

ME: "Oh, is he smiling? My day was alright, just paid some bills. That job I was looking at isn't showing, I guess they closed it early."

Example one.  He made a statement about his day, you made a statement about yours.  I realise that he didn't ask you a question, but you didn't ask him one either.  This was nothing more than an exchange of facts -  none of which needed a response - and so the conversation died.  That said, you could have asked him to send you the edit of Joey to continue the conversation. 

Quote

BF: "Good morning! [kissy emoji]"

ME: "Good morning. How are you feeling today?"

He sent you a GM message to show he's thinking of you. Very thoughtful. However, it doesn't mean that he wants to start a conversation first thing in the morning. All you needed to reply with is "And good morning to you too ❤️" and gone about your day.  Also, you don't have to ask how he's feeling because his positive tone (exclamation mark and kissy) shows that he's feeling fine. 😜 

All in all, if your face to face interactions are going well, then focus on that.  That's where the real connection lies.

Edited August 6, 2023 by basil67

[Kassieee]

Pick up the phone and call if you want a conversation. Sounds like he uses texting just to check in.

[shellzbellz83]

Ask him. 

[Els]

On 8/6/2023 at 1:38 AM, chickendinner12 said:

I'm not a tech expert but I know his android phone has had limited space, so maybe that's preventing him from receiving.

Text messages take up so little space nowadays that it's negligible. You could delete 1 photo and free  up space for hundreds of texts.

That being said, I think that if you are meeting every other day, this level of texting is totally normal. Why not just save the conversations for in-person when you can?

[JTSW]

Wait, a 2-3 weeks ago you were posting about a woman you had the best sex of your life with but she found out about your extensive sexual activities with her friends.

Now you have a bf of 6 months?

Is there more than one person posting on this account?

Because it's confusing as hell.

[Alpacalia]

15 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Wait, a 2-3 weeks ago you were posting about a woman you had the best sex of your life with but she found out about your extensive sexual activities with her friends.

Now you have a bf of 6 months?

Is there more than one person posting on this account?

Because it's confusing as hell.

He mentioned in another thread he's in a relationship that allows them both to be with other people 💕

Edited August 8, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

He mentioned in another thread he's in a relationship that allows them both to be with other people 💕

OP: maybe you're not cut out for this life style especially if you're the anxious type.

[chickendinner12]

We've been together about 6 months.

His texting habits the last couple days haven't been good. Like, taking a long time to reply and very brief texts. He did mention being way behind at work with processing paperwork and customers tying him up for hours at a time and barely having time to look at his phone. He also did say he had a hangout with a friend he hadn't seen in a couple years, all in advance of the reduced texts.

We got together again last night as planned several days before, and his behavior was really night and day compared to his texting. He was very talkative about how his day went, wanted to hold my hand a lot, cuddling, telling me how much he loved how smart and funny I am, and how he loves feeling close to me. I would see him looking at me while we were watching a movie and noticed him looking at me. "What?" I asked. "I just have a really hot partner is all." 

I was really caught off guard, I was expecting him wanting to break up when he got to my house, but he really seemed to be enjoying my company. We made plans for Saturday night. When he left my house this morning, he was wanting us to call on the phone tonight since we won't be together again until Saturday. 

What to make of this? Is it common for people to be this different in text vs in person?

[Alpacalia]

You can't always assume the worst when there is a change in texting habits. It is quite common for people to be different in text than in person because texting can be a bit more impersonal and it's a lot harder to express yourself through text than it is in person. It also sounds like your partner may have been really busy lately with work and catching up with an old friend, and that may have been why their texting habits changed. Don't jump to conclusions until you've had a chance to find out more.

[Wiseman2]

48 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said:

 he really seemed to be enjoying my company. We made plans for Saturday night. When he left my house this morning, he was wanting us to call on the phone tonight since we won't be together again until Saturday. 

Pay attention to how you interact in real life and that seems to be going well.

Try not to text-tether or smother anyone or use reply times as a measurement of your relationship.

Are you exclusive? Is there a reason you're worried about the relationship this much? 

[chickendinner12]

16 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

 

Are you exclusive? Is there a reason you're worried about the relationship this much? 

I guess I have kind of an anxious attachment style.

In the past I've been dumped with no warning and really not any sort of articulate explanation of why I was being dumped, the person's feelings just changed: "It wasn't anything you did. It's just..."

So I guess I'm really wary about that happening again. I think maybe that's at the root of my anxiety. 

Edited September 16, 2023 by chickendinner12

[basil67]

5 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

 

In the past I've been dumped with no warning and really not any sort of articulate explanation of why I was being dumped, the person's feelings just changed: "It wasn't anything you did. It's just..."

There is a reason, they just aren't telling you.  Thing is, when people give reasons, the dumpee sometimes argues why the decision to break up is wrong or want to get into long discussions about repairing the situation.  And if the dumper isn't wanting to have the argument, they give a vague reason. About the only thing you can do is be aware of how they are feeling while you're together.

Is everyone you date from the poly community?  I can imagine that someone who's new to it may be interested, but then find its not for them.  

[heavenonearth]

I am also anxious attachment style and would often project past partners' behavior onto new partners. It is not healthy and can sabotage a new relationship quickly. 

Therapy helped, but also a loving partner who is very good at responding to my love language has helped.

Do you feel like he is giving you what you need apart from the texting? 

Maybe you can call him sometimes out of the blue just to have a short chat. I do that with my partner and it is my way to get what I need whenever I need it without expecting the other person to read my anxious mind.

❤️

[d0nnivain]

Texting is no measure of a relationship.  If the dates are good & you like each other stop worrying about trivial nonsense.  You know he's busy at work plus he has old mates around.  Two people don't need to be in constant contact to be in a love & have a strong relationship.  

My husband left for work at 6 a.m. this morning.  I will be surprised if I communicate with him in any form before 7 p.m. tonight.  We rarely text or call during work hours.  That is not a problem.  Our marriage is strong.  I don't need constant reassurance.  Why do you?  Stop being clingy.    Seriously why can't you go 8-10 hours apart?  The inability to do that is problematic.  

[Gaeta]

6 months is about the time the texting slows down. Even earlier would be normal. There comes a time you know you got each other, you see each other more often, so texting goes down. It's normal, texting all the time is not viable. People have lives to live and this man has another woman to keep happy.

If you want a man full attention l suggest you try monogamy.

[NuevoYorko]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

 

If you want a man full attention l suggest you try monogamy.

I agree.  I have no issues with polyamory as long as the people involved are all getting their needs met in that situation but you seem very insecure.  Not necessarily about other people, but about this guy not being attentive enough for you.  

If there are other relationships happening outside of yours with him, and I think there are on both sides, don't you need to be okay with lapses of communication and attention?  There is only so much time per day.

Anyway, aside from that, please try to stop using texting habits as a gauge of the strength of a relationship.  Like someone else who has posted on this thread, I am in a long term relationship that is thriving and we barely ever exchange texts anymore unless we have to check in about a plan or add something to the shopping list type of thing.  If one of us is traveling we will share some pictures and keep in touch more, but not in everyday life when we know that we will be seeing each other later that day for sure.