Was it the right thing to do?

[Teddyy]

Hello! I wanted share something with everyone here and wanted some since it's been killing me lately.

I was in in what so called a situationship with a for 3 years that doesn't seem to be going anywhere. First year was good where we started to know each other, and he was the one who started perusing me. We saw each other almost 4 times the first year, things started to go bad when he told me he missed me and wanted to see me and we agreed to see each other the coming week. the week came and I wanted to know if we are seeing each other, he told me he will confirm and never did. I ignored it to be honest and waited for him to tell me when will we be seeing each other again but he never brought it up. I tried asking him to meet but there was always an excuse, either he caught COVID and once he feels well we will meet. This went on for the last two years and there was communication everyday between us!

Another thing is that he has my number but would never call! our whole communication was through Instagram DMs which was starting to bother me. Other than that he takes almost hours to reply back and disappears mid conversation and comes back after hours, towards the end it was becoming worse where he disappears for more than 10 hours then replies back! I don't have an issue with late replies but it was getting out of hand. He would only give me his time when he wants me to send nudes or to sext! honestly it was starting to hurt me how I was being treated like an option.

He keeps telling me he hates hurting people and was scared of hurting me so much and doesn't want to jeopardize what we had. I told him what's between us and he told me it was a friendship with no expectation (Marriage, relationship.)

This mad me furious and I started typing harsh things to him like why he would avoid me and how I don't want him in my life. The sad part is he didn't even care that much. The only thing he said that I was trying so hard not to hurt you and he did and that's it! 2 days later I DMed him apologizing for my behavior and he said that no on treated him the way I did and it hurts him that how much he cares about me and I hurt him. I kept apologizing and tried to make it to him by taking him out for dinner. 

Before ending it, I tried to talk to him telling him I'm hurting and feel whatever between us is toxic. He said he never felt that whatever between us is toxic. While I was DMing he disappeared mid convo and replied the next day with telling me if there was anything bothering him he will talk to me and I'm special to him. I told him I was hurting and texted him when he disappeared on me and replied to me the next day then I decided to end it as I was hurting so much from everything and told him that he has hurt me so much that I can't take anymore and wished him the best then blocked him on instagram then he proceeded to block me on whatsapp and maybe my number as well.

It's been a week now and I'm crying nonstop every night and for some reason I miss him even though he never wanted me or any relationship with me. I always feel like a mad a mistake by ending things and I should've tried harder. I don't know why do I feel that way and I just want to move on and not give in and text him apologizing when he didn't even care enough to do anything when I ended it. Why do I still wish he would at least call to fix things when I know he's too selfish to do that and his words never matched his actions. 

Please let me know if I did the right thing or is there a way to fix things? why can't I lose hope? I'm hurting so much

 

[basil67]

I'm sorry you're feeling bad.  

Based on what you describe, there is no indication that he ever wanted a romance with you, so I'm not sure how you could end up three years in and still thinking that you could become more than a casual friend and sometimes sex partner.   And kindly, I don't see this relationship as toxic either.  Rather, the problem was with your decision to waste three years with a guy who only wanted casual friendship and sex. 

If you want a relationship, do your best to avoid casual sex or undefined situations.

 

Edited August 1, 2023 by basil67

[glows]

You did the right thing ending it. Is this a long distance situation? 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, Teddyy said:

is there a way to fix things?

Fix what, exactly?

If I understand correctly, you two haven't seen each other for 2 years now, and you only met up 4 times before that. I don't mean to minimize your pain, but you two don't "have" anything. You've been digital penpals for the last 2 years, and that's about it. (Correct me if my timeline is off) 

Unforuantely, you let your hopes get carried away when he's never really expressed an interest in having something more with you. You need to sto all communicatio with him and ask yourself why you've wasted 3 years on this. That's way too long, OP. 

 

[Teddyy]

29 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I'm sorry you're feeling bad.  

Based on what you describe, there is no indication that he ever wanted a romance with you, so I'm not sure how you could end up three years in and still thinking that you could become more than a casual friend and sometimes sex partner.   And kindly, I don't see this relationship as toxic either.  Rather, the problem was with your decision to waste three years with a guy who only wanted casual friendship and sex. 

If you want a relationship, do your best to avoid casual sex or undefined situations.

 

Maybe it's the sex part that gave me this false hope. It wasn't even physical, just him randomly asking me for nudes and then started sexting. there wasn't any physical sex. 

[Teddyy]

30 minutes ago, glows said:

You did the right thing ending it. Is this a long distance situation? 

No, it wasn't. it was easy for us to meet but he never made any effort after the first year and when I confronted him he said he was sorry and will make it up to me but never did. 

[glows]

Just now, Teddyy said:

No, it wasn't. it was easy for us to meet but he never made any effort after the first year and when I confronted him he said he was sorry and will make it up to me but never did. 

Awful and I’m sorry this went on so long. Before things ever get this far make sure the other person is open to meeting for in person dates. Don’t agree to a text based type of relationship. Careful with the nudes as people can repost them or share them publicly.

The issue sadly is you may not know if he is leading a double life or has a girlfriend/married etc. Or just plain isn’t what he says he is or what he shows on IG for ie. It sounds like this person was just looking for a bit of side action when he’s horny and wants to masturbate but wasn’t interested in any relationship at all with you.

[Teddyy]

26 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Fix what, exactly?

If I understand correctly, you two haven't seen each other for 2 years now, and you only met up 4 times before that. I don't mean to minimize your pain, but you two don't "have" anything. You've been digital penpals for the last 2 years, and that's about it. (Correct me if my timeline is off) 

Unforuantely, you let your hopes get carried away when he's never really expressed an interest in having something more with you. You need to sto all communicatio with him and ask yourself why you've wasted 3 years on this. That's way too long, OP. 

 

Fix as in removing the block and talking to him but I know it won't do me any good. I agree that my hopes got carried away and this is hurting me so bad. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, Teddyy said:

Fix as in removing the block and talking to him

The thing is, there's no point. 

He doesn't want what you want. Talking to him again is only going to keep you stuck in this dead-end situation. Have you been dating or talking to any other guys these last 3 years? I can guarantee that he's been dating or sleeping with others, so I sincerely hope you haven't put yourself on hold for him. 

[Teddyy]

15 minutes ago, glows said:

Awful and I’m sorry this went on so long. Before things ever get this far make sure the other person is open to meeting for in person dates. Don’t agree to a text based type of relationship. Careful with the nudes as people can repost them or share them publicly.

The issue sadly is you may not know if he is leading a double life or has a girlfriend/married etc. Or just plain isn’t what he says he is or what he shows on IG for ie. It sounds like this person was just looking for a bit of side action when he’s horny and wants to masturbate but wasn’t interested in any relationship at all with you.

I think he is the type that talks to many girls and plays around after the change of behavior which made me hurt to be honest.

[Teddyy]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

The thing is, there's no point. 

He doesn't want what you want. Talking to him again is only going to keep you stuck in this dead-end situation. Have you been dating or talking to any other guys these last 3 years? I can guarantee that he's been dating or sleeping with others, so I sincerely hope you haven't put yourself on hold for him. 

I haven't put myself on hold. I have talked to other guys and went out on dates as well, but I always seem to want him and never cared about my dates. I don't know why I want him and attracted to him. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Then now is a good time to cut all ties to him. 

There is no future with him, so staying in touch is pointless. 

[Teddyy]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Then now is a good time to cut all ties to him. 

There is no future with him, so staying in touch is pointless. 

Thank you for the advice. It have been a week of no contact and I'm trying to keep it that way. It hurts so much but I guess that's the only way to move on from all this.

[Alpacalia]

2 hours ago, Teddyy said:

Another thing is that he has my number but would never call! our whole communication was through Instagram DMs which was starting to bother me. Other than that he takes almost hours to reply back and disappears mid conversation and comes back after hours, towards the end it was becoming worse where he disappears for more than 10 hours then replies back! I don't have an issue with late replies but it was getting out of hand. He would only give me his time when he wants me to send nudes or to sext! honestly it was starting to hurt me how I was being treated like an option.

Please don't fall into this trap again in the future. If someone is only giving you their time and attention for the purpose of sending nudes or sexting, they likely don't value or respect you very much. He is taking advantage of you if he expects you to comply when he disappears for hours or days without warning. You deserve more than this. Please stop engaging in conversations with him and find someone who will respect and value you.

[ExpatInItaly]

12 minutes ago, Teddyy said:

It hurts so much but I guess that's the only way to move on from all this.

It really is. 

If I may ask, what have you been telling yourself that has kept you in this so long? That he will ask you out, or?

[Teddyy]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It really is. 

If I may ask, what have you been telling yourself that has kept you in this so long? That he will ask you out, or?

His words. He keeps telling me that we would meet soon and whenever he sees my Instagram story being in a specific place, he tells me he would've met me if he was nearby. I even told him why he keeps telling me all these things but not act on it then he said that I'm being harsh on him which was not what I meant.  

[Teddyy]

14 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

Please don't fall into this trap again in the future. If someone is only giving you their time and attention for the purpose of sending nudes or sexting, they likely don't value or respect you very much. He is taking advantage of you if he expects you to comply when he disappears for hours or days without warning. You deserve more than this. Please stop engaging in conversations with him and find someone who will respect and value you.

Thank you. your words is what I needed to hear  

[ExpatInItaly]

1 minute ago, Teddyy said:

His words. He keeps telling me that we would meet soon and whenever he sees my Instagram story being in a specific place, he tells me he would've met me if he was nearby

Alright, so the lesson here is to ignore what someone says if their actions don't match. 

How far apart are you two, geographically? 

[Teddyy]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Alright, so the lesson here is to ignore what someone says if their actions don't match. 

How far apart are you two, geographically? 

Not that far, 40 minutes drive maximum during the week and he stays close by on weekend, 20 minutes away. 

[ExpatInItaly]

4 minutes ago, Teddyy said:

Not that far, 40 minutes drive maximum during the week and he stays close by on weekend, 20 minutes away. 

And you haven't seen him for 2 years? Is that right? 

[Teddyy]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

And you haven't seen him for 2 years? Is that right? 

yes, I have known him for 3 years, the 1st year was fine he was making time to see me from time to time. even though it wasn't much. after that it was only empty promises. He always flirts after every outing which made me assume that he likes me but I guess that's just who he is with every girl. 

[ExpatInItaly]

15 minutes ago, Teddyy said:

He always flirts after every outing which made me assume that he likes me but I guess that's just who he is with every girl.

More than likely, yes. 

Also, there haven't been any outings for 2 years. You've been hanging on to empty words for much too long. Even in the first year, you hardly saw each other. 4 meet-ups in 12 months is next to nothing, if a man is actually interested. 

What is it you liked about this guy? 

[Teddyy]

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

More than likely, yes. 

Also, there haven't been any outings for 2 years. You've been hanging on to empty words for much too long. Even in the first year, you hardly saw each other. 4 meet-ups in 12 months is next to nothing, if a man is actually interested. 

What is it you liked about this guy? 

Despite not seeing each other much he was always DMing me, every day, honestly this is the longest I have gone with no contact with him since I knew him. 

We clicked in so many ways, same interest, he knew the right words to say to me (which I guess doesn't mean much to him) I enjoyed his conversations but only wished he was more serious with me and would go beyond Instagram DMs. I even told him that whatever between us wasn't even friendship if we haven't seen each other much and only been talking through DMs which he disagreed with me and told me that we have different views on friendship. not sure what that means...

[Alpacalia]

8 minutes ago, Teddyy said:

Despite not seeing each other much he was always DMing me, every day, honestly this is the longest I have gone with no contact with him since I knew him. 

We clicked in so many ways, same interest, he knew the right words to say to me (which I guess doesn't mean much to him) I enjoyed his conversations but only wished he was more serious with me and would go beyond Instagram DMs. I even told him that whatever between us wasn't even friendship if we haven't seen each other much and only been talking through DMs which he disagreed with me and told me that we have different views on friendship. not sure what that means...

It means that he was manipulating you.

Friendship is based on regular communication and the mutual exchange of support and other aspects of caring for each other. It doesn't fit the definition of friendship if one person is only communicating through DMs and not making any effort to meet one another.

That's not to say that there is anything inherently wrong with connecting through messages and social media, but at least some effort should be made to meet in person. That's why his response was more about trying to make you feel like you were wrong for asking for more than he was willing to give, when really he was manipulating you into accepting a less-than-ideal friendship.

By telling you that you have different views on friendship, he likely made you feel guilty for wanting more from the relationship when that is perfectly reasonable. He was trying to make you feel as though you were asking too much of him and not appreciating what he was giving you.

What made you think that he might be serious with you if you had only talked through DMs? Why did you settle for just DMs when it is evident that you wanted more? Are you not able to date and meet people in person? Did you become acquainted with him online because of pandemic restrictions?

[ExpatInItaly]

In the future, don't get wrapped up in text-ationships. 

If the guy isn't actually meeting up with you and going on dates with you, you really need to not talk to them all the time.