dazedgal Posted November 8, 2005 Posted November 8, 2005 This is a long story, as so many here tend to be. I look forward to any constructive help you guys want to offer. I've been with my guy for just about ever -- we were high school sweethearts, then college sweethearts, then moved in together a year after graduating college. Our first date was 20 years ago. He's pretty much the only relationship I've ever had, although we are not married. Along the way, however, we broke up and got back together many, many times. College was tough, because I realize now I got obsessed with the relationship and pursued him every time he tried to leave. At first he just tried to break up with me, but since I wouldn't ever let him go, he began sleeping around here and there. I would find out about it after the fact and get mad, but would always forgive him and want him back. The last year of college, I actually fell in love with someone else, and it shook me to the core. Never thought I could feel that way for anyone but the Guy. I left him for the new love, but went back to the Guy within a week because I missed him so much. Regretted not following through on the other relationship as a result, and we actually broke up after we graduated college. I moved away, and we stayed apart for all of 6 months. Got back together and moved to a new city together. This was also more at my insistence -- he got into graduate school and I talked him into letting me move with him. You see the pattern. Since we've known each other since we were kids, he has too much loyalty to tell me to go jump off a cliff, and I'm too blinded by a relationship that I feel I desperately need, even though it would have been better for us to be apart and explore our own personalities at some point. We were happy at first in the new city, but it's far from our families, and I felt isolated after a while. Along the way, I wanted to get married. He did not. There was always some reason -- "let me finish school," "let me get settled in this new job," "we don't act adult enough (the house is a mess, etc.)". I grew depressed and ended up on Zoloft for a few years -- gaining weight and losing any spark of personality I did have. Even the new friends I'd made shied away from me after a while; I just didn't have anything to offer anyone. This caused the Guy to lose hope. He went online and looked for an old friend, hoping to find her number and talk to her about our troubles. Instead he found a woman with the same exact name, who was not our friend, but who had marital troubles of her own. They started an online affair that progressed to the phone, and eventually to meeting in person. It lasted for 18 months (all long-distance, with visits). I found out about it in month 7, and we went through some exceedingly rough times. I moved out, got my own place, began to grow as my own person for the first time ever! That was 2002, and it felt great. I was 31. He finally got over a bunch of crap he was going through and started wanting me to come back to him. I didn't want to unless he wanted to marry me. We argued back and forth for a while, and I ultimately capitulated. Stupid. We continued to have rocky times, because I resented him for not wanting to marry me and resented myself for not being strong enough to stay away until he came to me with a ring. Moved out again. We sorted things out somewhat, and I moved back in in spring 2003, and we've been okay for a while. Had another rocky spell this summer -- we had to move out of our apartment and I gave him an ultimatum. I said I wouldn't move unless we were engaged. Bulls**t! I did it again and didn't follow through. The next 2 months sucked as I beat myself up for not being strong enough again. But things have gotten better between us again. We have such history that it feels like we could just go on this way forever. The current wrinkle in the story is that a co-worker I've had a crush on for a long time (over a year) admitted to me two weeks ago that he has feelings for me. At first I thought it was just sweet, but it turns out he's in love with me. It's bowled me over completely. I have never had anyone pursue me before, much less with poems and sweet words and talk of three kids and two dogs. It's intense, but not physical. I stand firm at not wanting to put my Guy through the hell I went through. I got all riled up and tried to break up with the Guy one week after Crush told me how he felt. Is that crazy or what? I didn't mention the other man, just brought up that I couldn't be together any longer without being married, that I just COULDN'T DO IT any longer. Brought up all the reasons he usually throws at me when he's telling me why he doesn't want to get married. And he threw me for a loop. Said he'd been thinking of a ring and a way to spring our engagement on our families over the holidays. I don't think he's making it up; he's never talked like that before. So now I'm freaking out. I still love my Guy like nobody's business. But I'm thinking of the possibility of a future with someone who really wants to be with me for ME, and it's tantalizing. What do I do? I can see both sides of this coin. If you've actually read this far and feel like commenting, then Hallelujah and bless your heart. I could really use it. Thank you!
RecordProducer Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 I think you're holding to this relationship only because you've never had anyone else. You're still young and should explore beautiful things and people in life - other than your Guy. Once you start living a life on your own (lose weight, change your hair, dress sexy, go out, have friends, fun, men...) your Guy might come around. But if he doesn't, it will mean that his love for you was not true. IMHO, you definitely need to turn to yourself and try to find a person who hasn't seen you in your bad moments; for whom you will be a fresh, new, and cheerful woman. Your Guy has been with you for so long, has witnessed your growing up, your lows, clinginess, and depression... he is probably not the right person for you anymore. You can "shine in all your glory" with somebody who will see you for who you want to be. The world is full of men ready to get married and have children. At age 34, it's about time to think about starting a family (as I get it, that's what you want).
sylviaguardian Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 Dazedgirl, your post sounds so wistful, yet full of hope. You and your man are stuck in a pursue-retreat relationship. Marriage will not save it, nor will he will commit more to you because of a piece of paper. Often in relationships we stick with a pattern because that's what we know and it makes us feel comfortable. You are comfortable with being the dependent one. Give your new man a chance but do it properly. End it with your old guy and end it properly. You deserve a chance at real happiness. I suspect that his 'offer' of a ring is just a way to reel you back in. Once you are reeled in, he will back off again and you will have a ring on your finger but be no further forward. Remember though, it will be tricky with the new man to begin with and you might find it strange. You are not used to someone who wants to commit to you and I'll bet it feels a bit wierd when you are used to being the one who gets the cold shoulder all the time. Sometimes in life we have to take a gamble. You and your new man might work out or might not but you are not happy in your present situation and my guess is that it will never make you really happy. It's not really much of a gamble is it? A half-life for the chance of a real life. Good luck, Sylvia
Author dazedgal Posted November 9, 2005 Author Posted November 9, 2005 Thanks for your replies, RP and sylvia. Sylvia, I'm amazed at your ability to hone in on the heart of the matter. You mention things I've been worrying over a lot -- my over-comfortableness in my situation and also how strange it would be to be with someone else. Having never had a relationship with anyone else, it's almost bizarre to contemplate how much of my life would change. Is it that obvious? I rarely get to talk to someone about this who hasn't known me through the whole experience. RP, I didn't mention that I lost 35 or so pounds after my Guy's affair and our initial breakup. I wear make-up and care about my clothes and stuff. I guess I'm going through at 34 what lots of people go through in high school or college -- the epiphany of self after first love. Still, it's surprising to find myself noticed by someone I find attractive, after so many years of feeling fat and uncute. I think I come off so naive, and I guess that I am in a lot of ways. The chance of a real life...sounds great here in the forums. I'm working my courage up to make it happen in real life. Ack. Thanks again, y'all.
sylviaguardian Posted November 10, 2005 Posted November 10, 2005 Dazedgal, You are right to 'work yourself up'. These things take a long time and don't happen overnight. Choosing to leave a long-term relationship is very scary indeed, even when we know ourselves that the relationship is not right for us. I've been there myself - I stuck with a crazy relationship for six years and waited for it to 'improve' because leaving was too difficult. eventually he left for someone else and the decision was taken out of my hands. I was extrememly upset at the time but realise later that it had been a blessing in disguise. When I went to a counsellor recently (not about that relationship) we talked through all my previous relationships and I was amazed in the cold light of day how passive I have been and how much I'd actually put up with. People who know me, know I am a strong feisty woman. It didn't fit. I am working on being less dependent on relationships. You cannot place all your self worth in a relationship, which is what I used to do. Dazedgal - start by making a list of all the great things about you. Write down everything nice that everyone has ever said about you and all the reasons why someone would want to be in a relationship with you. Keep reminding yourself that you deserve the same respect and committment as anyone else. Good luck, Sylvia
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