New Girlfriend new issues

[longjohn775]

I've been single a while, met this lady a while back and we chatted back and forth for a bit and started dating a few months ago. She's exactly what I want in a partner well I think so anyway, I could be wrong again. The but is, she has a male friend who is supposedly gay. She let me see some pictures of him and he did indeed look quite gay. Of course I find his social media and of course he looks quite straight. Maybe he's in the closet? I've asked to meet him but that just never happened it's starting to feel very strange honestly. She tells me would I mind if she spent the night with him in a hotel while traveling. I almost immediately said no that would make me extremely uncomfortable but if that's what she wanted to do I told her I won't prevent her from doing so. I will break up with her because I can't deal with the anxiety. That part I haven't told her yet. We went back and forth on this but she never once said for sure she wouldn't stay with him. I did ask her how she'd feel if I stayed with or had a female friend over she didn't respond. I understand she's in constant contact with him makes significant drives to do lunch with him ect.

 

My gut feeling is maybe they are just friends but emotionally there's no way I can accept or deal with this. I plan to sit down and have a discussion on the fact she's now in a relationship and her single gay friend cannot be a third wheel in this. I hope she will think things over and make a rational decision. At this stage having not met the guy and having our plans changed quite often at the last minute. I'm feeling like she's in a better emotional relationship with this guy than I and it begs the question am I now the third wheel.

[Sony12]

It sounds like at the very least she feels pretty close to him regardless if she has some romantic feelings for him or not.

One of the worst things you can say to a lady that you have only been seeing for a few months is tell her that she can't spend time with her friends. As chances are she feels closer to him than she does to you even if she isn't currently having sex with him.

You have only been dating a few months and you aren't in a position yet where you can tell her she can't hang out with a guy friend. Just have confidence in yourself and let her spend time with her friends if she wants to. If you find out she is infact physically involved with him you can always break off the relationship. 

At this point all telling her that she can't spend time with this guy will accomplish is make you look jealous and will probably make her question if you two should be dating.

At this point just trust that she is telling you the truth and if you find out she isn't you are free to break up with her.

[mark clemson]

This is a tough one because (IMO) a partner is allowed to have friends, and forbidding them is overly controlling. However, it sounds like you DO allow friends it's just that this one is too much for you. A spouse or very long term partner can (again, IMO) "nix" a friend they feel is threatening to the relationship, but you're not at a stage where you can do that.

One way to go might be to insist on meeting the guy to confirm to your satisfaction that he's indeed gay (and not bi).

Leaving is another option, but it sounds like perhaps you don't make new GFs easily, so I could understand reluctance. However you should (and it sounds like you do) recognize that you might end up being incompatible with her unfortunately. 

I do agree that she should be prioritizing you over him and the fact that she's not doesn't bode particularly well for your relationship either.

If attracting women is an issue, the first thing you should do (again IMO) is make yourself as attractive as possible. Easier said than done, it's true, but do as much as you can. You could also consider reading the chapters on female attraction in the book "A Billion Wicked Thoughts." Women are complicated, but understanding a bit about how they tick can be helpful if you can figure out ways to turn your understanding into actionable steps.

Edited July 29, 2023 by mark clemson

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, longjohn775 said:

She tells me would I mind if she spent the night with him in a hotel while traveling

She brought up the subject, she asked your opinion than tell the truth. Dating is a time to learn about each other.

Tell her that you're ok with friendship but you'd feel  respected if they had seperate rooms. It's not that you don't trust her, it's simply the respect couples offer each other. 

Edited July 29, 2023 by Gaeta

[Sony12]

If you do say that you would like her to sleep in a separate room though I recommend you offer to pay for it.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, longjohn775 said:

 having our plans changed quite often at the last minute.

Sorry this is happening.  Is the flaking due to dates with this guy? That alone should make you rethink this. You can't tell her what to do, but you can bow out if the whole thing is getting too weird.

Is he married? Is your presence and his gay designation a cover up? Why are they staying in a hotel together? 

Edited July 29, 2023 by Wiseman2

[longjohn775]

40 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

This is a tough one because (IMO) a partner is allowed to have friends, and forbidding them is overly controlling. However, it sounds like you DO allow friends it's just that this one is too much for you. A spouse or very long term partner can (again, IMO) "nix" a friend they feel is threatening to the relationship, but you're not at a stage where you can do that.

One way to go might be to insist on meeting the guy to confirm to your satisfaction that he's indeed gay (and not bi).

Leaving is another option, but it sounds like perhaps you don't make new GFs easily, so I could understand reluctance. However you should (and it sounds like you do) recognize that you might end up being incompatible with her unfortunately. 

I do agree that she should be prioritizing you over him and the fact that she's not doesn't bode particularly well for your relationship either.

If attracting women is an issue, the first thing you should do (again IMO) is make yourself as attractive as possible. Easier said than done, it's true, but do as much as you can. You could also consider reading the chapters on female attraction in the book "A Billion Wicked Thoughts." Women are complicated, but understanding a bit about how they tick can be helpful if you can figure out ways to turn your understanding into actionable steps.

It is, I'm typically quite a logical person and logically I get it and don't have a problem with it. Emotionally, no way is that happening to be honest because he's a man. I do not want to control her or her interactions with her friends. However she and I have been single quite some time and we need to break some single person habits. I intend once again on pressing the issue to meet this guy. I hope speaking with her face to face will help impress upon her my issues and they are mine as her choices are hers. I will ask her to respect this relationship and how it is perceived by others otherwise it will not last.

 

I don't have any issues attracting women luckily. I have a good professional career, little debt, nice home and vehicle and no children. I keep in excellent shape and generally take care of myself mind and body. If anything I'm too picky with women and I've been told this countless times. I need that spark or connection, I won't deal with the crazy ups and downs anymore at this stage in my life so I'm extra selective. Which also makes me mindful of my own issues with ladies.

[longjohn775]

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening.  Is the flaking due to dates with this guy? That alone should make you rethink this. You can't tell her what to do, but you can bow out if the whole thing is getting too weird.

Is he married? Is your presence and his gay designation a cover up? Why are they staying in a hotel together? 

He's a work colleague, they are going to a conference. I did state that most organizations will not allow opposite genders to share a room and will pay for a room each. She said she'd rather share with him. I could be over reacting but I feel like it is immensely disrespectful to our relationship to even consider it. To ask it has me confused. I'm glad she did and didn't just mention it after the fact or not at all. I feel like I'm walking a line between healthy relationship boundaries and what could be perceived as controlling. 

 

I could be wrong but I feel it isn't right or correct for a female partner to share with a male colleague. I also feel I'm not in the wrong should she decide to do so anyway and I discover after the fact to break off this relationship. 

[Sony12]

3 minutes ago, longjohn775 said:

It is, I'm typically quite a logical person and logically I get it and don't have a problem with it. Emotionally, no way is that happening to be honest because he's a man. I do not want to control her or her interactions with her friends. However she and I have been single quite some time and we need to break some single person habits. I intend once again on pressing the issue to meet this guy. I hope speaking with her face to face will help impress upon her my issues and they are mine as her choices are hers. I will ask her to respect this relationship and how it is perceived by others otherwise it will not last.

 

I don't have any issues attracting women luckily. I have a good professional career, little debt, nice home and vehicle and no children. I keep in excellent shape and generally take care of myself mind and body. If anything I'm too picky with women and I've been told this countless times. I need that spark or connection, I won't deal with the crazy ups and downs anymore at this stage in my life so I'm extra selective. Which also makes me mindful of my own issues with ladies.

Not sure what you are getting at with 'needing to break single person habits'. Her spending time with her friend isn't a habit that needs to be broken. If she is interested in going to bed with this guy then she probably isn't that invested in your two's relationship anyways. 

[FMW]

It's way too soon (if ever acceptable) for you to give your permission or forbid her to do anything.  

All you can do is give her your thoughts about it, see what she does, and then decide if you're ok with continuing the relationship.  Her thoughts about this tell you something about her, it's part of the big picture of who she is.  If you don't like the way she views this then you'll likely have issues with other things in the future.   

 

Edited July 29, 2023 by FMW

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, longjohn775 said:

 I did state that most organizations will not allow opposite genders to share a room and will pay for a room each. She said she'd rather share with him. 

That's very odd.  The company is paying for separate accomodations and she wants to share a room?

What's up with the chronic last minute cancellations?   You mentioned you don't like rollercoasters but you seem to be on one before this incident. 

Edited July 29, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Sony12]

2 minutes ago, longjohn775 said:

 

 

I could be wrong but I feel it isn't right or correct for a female partner to share with a male colleague. I also feel I'm not in the wrong should she decide to do so anyway and I discover after the fact to break off this relationship. 

Perhaps but it also isn't something you can control nor have the right to control at this point. It's quite common for work colleagues to develop an attraction to each other. Taking that attraction further than an innocent crush isn't always advisable but it still happens very regularly and people have workplace affairs all the time.

If it's something she is interested in it's nothing you have the right to control at this point in time.

[glows]

If she was going to cheat while on a business trip wouldn’t it be in her best interest to not tell you she’s sharing a room? Anyway the whole rooming issue is besides the point. 

I agree as per your first post that you feel she’s emotionally closer to him than to you and that’s where all this insecurity stems from. She’s cancelled plans with you last minute to hang out with him? How has that happened? Any examples?

[Sony12]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

If she was going to cheat while on a business trip wouldn’t it be in her best interest to not tell you she’s sharing a room? Anyway the whole rooming issue is besides the point. 

I agree as per your first post that you feel she’s emotionally closer to him than to you and that’s where all this insecurity stems from. She’s cancelled plans with you last minute to hang out with him? How has that happened? Any examples?

 

Unless she's trying to make him think nothing is going on. 

[glows]

Just now, Sony12 said:

 

Unless she's trying to make him think nothing is going on. 

It’s caused drama and they’re arguing. It would be foolish and a waste of energy to go down that route. Someone actually interested in cheating wouldn’t bother. They’re interested in someone else.

[Lotsgoingon]

I don't think the problem is the friend. The problem is her relationship with you. You don't feel secure with her--she doesn't work to make you feel secure.

Those last-minute cancellations are a major red flag and more indicative of a relationship problem, in my view, than her relationship with this guy. 

Time to forget about appearing insecure because without your gf reassuring you, you SHOULD be feeling insecure and a bit rattled right now. Don't label your feelings as bad. 

I once dated a woman who had an activity partner that she got together to practice the activity with at least once a week, sometimes twice a week. I was a little bit suspicious when I learned of this relationship, but she filled me in on ALL of the details and made it clear that the relationship with her partner was like uncle to niece (he was significantly older than her). She also had another activity partner that she got together with. It was part of her activity that you had to practice with other people.  I knew why these guys wanted to partner with her--she was amazing at the activity. My point is she reassured the hell out of me. Not just with words but with body language, tone, detail.

So the issue isn't the relationship with this guy. Let's say she and the guy sleep in separate rooms and all of that. There will l likely be another guy down the line. Heck they're might be a platonic gf that she wants to hang out with and then cancels with you. I'm thinking you and this woman may not be a good fit.

 

 

Edited July 29, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Alpacalia]

At the end of the day, she's gonna do what she wants, like everyone does.

You can't really stop her, just ask her not to, but that might backfire and make her feel controlled. The best thing you can do is let her know how it makes you feel, so she can decide if your feelings matter enough to change her behavior. If she cares, she will choose not to do something that she knows makes you so uncomfortable. If you don't communicate your feelings, she won't consider them when making choices. And if she still goes ahead despite knowing how you feel, well, it tells you where her priorities lie.

Either she is someone you can trust, or she is not. Time will tell.

If you don't trust her, then being together is probably not a good idea, because if she wants to do something inappropriate, she doesn't need a hotel room to do it.

Still, I kind of look it like if a married couple is going to a conference, and the husband wants to share a hotel room with a female colleague, his wife would likely feel the same way you do, and it is not an appropriate action for him to take either. Additionally, if a female is involved with her male boss, and he's attending a business trip and wants to share a hotel room with her, it is still inappropriate behavior and is not something that should be overlooked. Even though people may claim it is for business reasons, it is still a clear violation of workplace conduct.

It's just a bizarre thing to do considering that she can easily stay in a room by herself and not in the same hotel room as a male colleague. That she is not prioritizing your relationship by ongoing cancellation of your plans to accommodate her work colleague seems to me that she is more invested in this other relationship.

[longjohn775]

52 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Not sure what you are getting at with 'needing to break single person habits'. Her spending time with her friend isn't a habit that needs to be broken. If she is interested in going to bed with this guy then she probably isn't that invested in your two's relationship anyways. 

What I'm getting at is I find it wholly unacceptable for her if she's in a relationship with me to be staying along with another man. It's not unreasonable. 

[longjohn775]

47 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Perhaps but it also isn't something you can control nor have the right to control at this point. It's quite common for work colleagues to develop an attraction to each other. Taking that attraction further than an innocent crush isn't always advisable but it still happens very regularly and people have workplace affairs all the time.

If it's something she is interested in it's nothing you have the right to control at this point in time.

It isn't something I can control or will attempt to. She's known this guy for years. My desire is for her to make a choice one way or the other. 

[longjohn775]

3 minutes ago, Alpacalia said:

At the end of the day, she's gonna do what she wants, like everyone does.

You can't really stop her, just ask her not to, but that might backfire and make her feel controlled. The best thing you can do is let her know how it makes you feel, so she can decide if your feelings matter enough to change her behavior. If she cares, she will choose not to do something that she knows makes you so uncomfortable. If you don't communicate your feelings, she won't consider them when making choices. And if she still goes ahead despite knowing how you feel, well, it tells you where her priorities lie.

Either she is someone you can trust, or she is not. Time will tell.

If you don't trust her, then being together is probably not a good idea, because if she wants to do something inappropriate, she doesn't need a hotel room to do it.

Still, I kind of look it like if a married couple is going to a conference, and the husband wants to share a hotel room with a female colleague, his wife would likely feel the same way you do, and it is not an appropriate action for him to take either. Additionally, if a female is involved with her male boss, and he's attending a business trip and wants to share a hotel room with her, it is still inappropriate behavior and is not something that should be overlooked. Even though people may claim it is for business reasons, it is still a clear violation of workplace conduct.

It's just a bizarre thing to do considering that she can easily stay in a room by herself and not in the same hotel room as a male colleague. That she is not prioritizing your relationship by ongoing cancellation of your plans to accommodate her work colleague seems to me that she is more invested in this other relationship.

I have no intention of "stopping her" I have every intention of stating my concerns. She'll either accept them, ignore them or lie. One way or another she will have to make a choice on what she wants. I trust her I do not know him. I've been in past relationships and the "male friend" is always an issue 99% of the time. Therefore I've adopted a policy of it's him or us.

 

It is very bizarre and I hope she chooses this relationship. I hope she doesn't lie about it otherwise this relationship is already done for.

[Sony12]

5 minutes ago, longjohn775 said:

I have no intention of "stopping her" I have every intention of stating my concerns. She'll either accept them, ignore them or lie. One way or another she will have to make a choice on what she wants. I trust her I do not know him. I've been in past relationships and the "male friend" is always an issue 99% of the time. Therefore I've adopted a policy of it's him or us.

 

 

Why have male friends been an issue 99% of the time? Do you have trouble accepting that they are going to be close to other guys? 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

Ok, that's important information: that male friends have been a problem in 99 percent of your relationship. So brother, you have a bigger problem going on, much bigger in who you attract or the signals you're sending. 

[Gaeta]

Longjohn: l see in your profile you are middle aged, l assume she is too? . I would expect that behavior from a young woman in her 20s with still lots to learn, l would never expect a middle aged woman to think this is acceptable behavior in a relationship. The friend being gay or not. 

I know a woman that tells all of her bf that her best friend is gay, he's not. He's a lover she cannot cut ties with. That not-gay friend is also my friend. I heard it all. He sleeps in her basement sometimes but will go join her in middle if the night, she even convinced her bf to bring him along to one if their trips cause she was afraid to be bored while he'd go attend conferences.

You have not met that friend yet, you've mentionned it a few times to her and still have not met him. Don't be a fool.

[Sony12]

Yes if it's a problem 99% of the time than you need to look in the mirror about a few things. Either you are attracting emotionally unavailable women (when you still want them to be emotionally available) or for some reason they are finding their friends to be better company than you.

[longjohn775]

17 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Why have male friends been an issue 99% of the time? Do you have trouble accepting that they are going to be close to other guys? 

 

I've trouble when they say he's just a friend and he is never ever just a friend. Ask my ex wife 😂