How do I move on

[Becka6002]

I was in a relationship for four years to start with everything was perfect seemed like a proper gentleman. He soon started doing drugs all the time became paranoid and accusing me of cheating on a daily basis and constantly needed reassuring I wasn’t doing anything. Last year he told he he was working away to find out he spent the weekend with a married women… stupid me took him back after him saying was a mistake was the drugs he would stop the drugs and prove to me… safe to say that lasted a couple of weeks. He became abusive and made me feel like I was worth nothing. He would get off his head beat me up then make me feel like it was my fault. Make me strip because he would say I had a secret hidden phone plus he would check my phone all the time but was never allowed to look at his as his phone and private. I then found out he was using dating apps things that he was paying to w*** to women on cam so i finally kicked him out for him to make out I was the horrible on as he had knowwhwre to go and I’m inhumane. He was in bed with another girl that weekend and is aparently still seeing her now three months on. I’m now on antidepressants I feel low and worthless every single day feel like Iv let my son down as I trusted another bloke that hurt me and he loved and now lost he broke our family up. I feel perthetic writting this as I no what advise id give my friends if it was me but I can’t seem to ever stop thinking. About him is he treating her how he should have me … why couldn’t he have just loved me like he said he did … why do I still think about him and give him the time of day in my head… I just can’t seem to get past it I can’t ever sleep. I basically live in my bedroom as every room in my house holds bad memories. I get asked by friends to go out which I agree to but when it comes to the day I make up excuses and don’t go I just shut myself away and ignore everyone. I just feel right now like I’m never going to get the happy carefree me back everytime I have a positive day something knocks me right back to square one

[Becka6002]

Yes I ended it I havnt spoken to him for two months now his mum messaged me the other day a pointless message then bumped in to his daughter in town today who informed me he moved on the weekend I ended it. It’s just a constant battle with my own head I can’t seem to get out of. I rang doctor today again I’m seeing her next week and she’s going to put me in touch with a councillor I’m hoping this helps as nothing I do at the moment does I just want to forget him but can’t seem to

[BreakOnThrough]

When you realize and feel you're worth more than the way he treated you, you'll be able to move on.  Good step starting therapy.

[Alpacalia]

Sounds like my ex fiance. Then he went and kissed another woman. Go figure.

3 hours ago, Becka6002 said:

accusing me of cheating on a daily basis and constantly needed reassuring I wasn’t doing anything.

Start a new life as a single woman. Change your number so that he can't contact you again and move on with your life.

He will not change until you get away from him.

Even if he didn't cheat he accused you to manipulate you emotionally, to keep you off-balance so you are constantly trying to prove yourself.

It's a slippery slope to being controlled. Gaslighting you to think you’re wrong when you haven't done anything.

Becka, you're going to be alright. You're making good choices by getting far away from him and looking into therapy. What he did was not okay and in time you'll be able to heal and move on from it.

Don't let him or anyone else make you feel small or insignificant. You are strong and capable of creating a better life for yourself. Trust that you will come out of this experience stronger and wiser than before.

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, Becka6002 said:

 i finally kicked him out . I’m now on antidepressants

You're doing all the right things and have already addressed major issues such as removing him from your house and taking care of yourself and your physical and mental health.

Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Change the locks. Reset passwords, sever any ties especially financially.

It's been 2 months and it's great you're staying no contact. It will take time to heal and rebuild but just like an injury, you'll recover day by day. But it may not be linear, there's ups and downs so don't despair.

Start talking to trusted friends and family. Rebuild connections. Get back into your hobbies interests and activities. Maybe take a class or join a group. Consider redecorating your place to reclaim it mentally for yourself and your child. 

Edited July 26, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Becka6002]

Thank you I no what your saying is correct he can’t contact me in anyway and I have removed everyone now as I don’t want to no anything about him or what he’s doing I used to be happy all the time always first one up for a laugh now im

a loser that hides in her bedroom and doesn’t see anyone 

[sarahcurnoles]

Becka, I hear you and I feel you. I can feel the pain that you're in. Have you looked into therapy or counseling? Sometimes it helps to work closely with someone one to one. It was a major turning point for me and helped me a great deal after a breakup I went through.

[Wiseman2]

2 minutes ago, sarahcurnoles said:

.Have you looked into therapy or counseling? 

She's done a great deal to address things. Mostly by removing him from her life and seeking appropriate medical care. 

10 hours ago, Becka6002 said:

 . I’m now on antidepressants 

 

[Lotsgoingon]

This is what happens when you stay in a dysfunctional, abusive, terrible relationship for four years. Note: even terrible relationships can have decent moments. Terrible in this case means he lied, he cheated, he demeaned you. Your esteem takes a hit, but something strange also happens, which is that you get good at liking the person despite all the abusive treatment and crazymaking behavior. You sorta have to focus on the good stuff in order to put up with all the bad stuff. Now you are paying the price.

The answer is to go pursue therapy--sounds like you are. And go get a life. You should have a life of activities, friends, fun, reading, immersion in work. You probably focused so much on him and dealing with his nonsense that you stopped your own life. Big mistake.

Go build a life: you know are on the right track when being single starts to be really fun again. You will need to start this process before you lose all attachment to the ex. 

[JTSW]

He physically, emotionally and mentally abused you.

You should feel relieved that you got away from him.

You will come to this realisation one day and therapy will help you gain your confidence back.

You never did anything wrong and hopefully you will eventually believe that.

You don't right now because he successfully broke you down but you will be able to rebuild.

You are free from his toxicity and he is now someone else's problem.

You are a much better person than he could ever be.

[Alpacalia]

On 7/26/2023 at 9:47 AM, Becka6002 said:

Yes I ended it I havnt spoken to him for two months now his mum messaged me the other day a pointless message then bumped in to his daughter in town today who informed me he moved on the weekend I ended it. It’s just a constant battle with my own head I can’t seem to get out of. I rang doctor today again I’m seeing her next week and she’s going to put me in touch with a councillor I’m hoping this helps as nothing I do at the moment does I just want to forget him but can’t seem to

Blocking him will help a lot so there is no way for him to contact you. It's good that you did that.

I made the mistake of allowing my ex-f to contact me years after I left thinking that after years we could be on friendly terms but he was always able to manipulate the situation to his favour. Blocking him would be a really wise step. After that, focus your attention on self-care. Take the time to do things that make you happy, whether it involves going to the gym, taking a class or even something like going out with friends. You will get through this. Counselling and self-care are key in moving on. Good luck.

Edited August 3, 2023 by Alpacalia

[glows]

Did you have interests or things you liked to do before you met this person? Two months isn’t long after a break up, especially after an abusive relationship. Give yourself a giant congrats for ending this.

Id firstly stop forcing yourself to get over him so quickly. Just live in the moment and allow yourself to BE. Cry, feel sad, feel like crap or whatever you need to feel. Take care of your child and yourself, make good meals for the both of you and nourish yourselves. Keep the house clean and orderly for your son who also lives there. The struggle to just end the heartache is all too real but don’t put so much pressure on yourself to move on. 

And nevermind either what he’s doing or which woman’s problem he’s become now. He is someone else’s major issue. Just focus on you. If you run into family for ie his family, do a basic greeting hi how are you fantastic BYE. Don’t bother to stay and chitchat. Their life and his love life is none of your business and your life is none of theirs. 

Start small steps and take care of yourself by worrying about you. He can rot in the fire pot downstairs. 

[Bue-aidez]

On 7/26/2023 at 11:14 PM, Becka6002 said:

I was in a relationship for four years to start with everything was perfect seemed like a proper gentleman. He soon started doing drugs all the time became paranoid and accusing me of cheating on a daily basis and constantly needed reassuring I wasn’t doing anything. Last year he told he he was working away to find out he spent the weekend with a married women… stupid me took him back after him saying was a mistake was the drugs he would stop the drugs and prove to me… safe to say that lasted a couple of weeks. He became abusive and made me feel like I was worth nothing. He would get off his head beat me up then make me feel like it was my fault. Make me strip because he would say I had a secret hidden phone plus he would check my phone all the time but was never allowed to look at his as his phone and private. I then found out he was using dating apps things that he was paying to w*** to women on cam so i finally kicked him out for him to make out I was the horrible on as he had knowwhwre to go and I’m inhumane. He was in bed with another girl that weekend and is aparently still seeing her now three months on. I’m now on antidepressants I feel low and worthless every single day feel like Iv let my son down as I trusted another bloke that hurt me and he loved and now lost he broke our family up. I feel perthetic writting this as I no what advise id give my friends if it was me but I can’t seem to ever stop thinking. About him is he treating her how he should have me … why couldn’t he have just loved me like he said he did … why do I still think about him and give him the time of day in my head… I just can’t seem to get past it I can’t ever sleep. I basically live in my bedroom as every room in my house holds bad memories. I get asked by friends to go out which I agree to but when it comes to the day I make up excuses and don’t go I just shut myself away and ignore everyone. I just feel right now like I’m never going to get the happy carefree me back everytime I have a positive day something knocks me right back to square one

The fact that you are reaching out is a positive sign. You are a strong person. 

Develop yourself, read self-development or self-help books, workout, eat healthy, take good care of your son, have a daily routine. Once you start working on yourself, you'll feel so much better about yourself and so much more confident in yourself. You'll even realise that that guy never deserved you or your kindness and you'll move on.  

If you don't have the motivation, then maybe knowing that the best revenge is working on yourself and becoming a better person could help?

[Ageless Wisdom23]

This guy used and abused you.  Sadly, You enabled it.  With everything he did Plus he has a huge drug problem with no Help, Plus a Cheat, I would gladly move on and consider this one a poor excuse for a partner.  maybe you can move if you are renting?  If you own your House, I'd redecorate and swish him out of my life.  Huggggs.

[Lubecke]

This sounds brutal. I’m sorry you had to be w someone so toxic. Definitely give yourself the space to heal, and find yourself again. I can only imagine after years of being with someone that strips you of who you are, you are just left with a shell of yourself. So take the time to rebuild that part of yourself again, and give it time for all of this to slowly register. A loss is a loss and that takes time to accept. Best of luck!