I (23M) agreed to breaking up with (22F) feeling if I am in the wrong

[theonlysuspect]

I want to know if I made the right choice of agreeing to break up or should I keep trying? 

Let me start of by saying. This is not the first time. Nor the Second. I gave her everything. From all love languages, to changing religion, to give her time (Time I promised to be with my friends, family). I showed her new places she’s never experienced. Lately we haven’t been going out on dates. I asked her she usually wants to go home and rest. On weekends she is busy with chores and can’t leave. So the time for dates is out of the question. Then there are limitations to dates as well like she can’t be in a public place where people can spot her. Family doesn’t know because they are orthodox. They will when she thinks time is right. Problem is not the dates. Problem is she wants me to go above and beyond. Think outside the box to make her feel special. I always thought doing the small things makes a girl feel special. I would bring her food without her asking. Offer her to drive to work because she was tired to drive, didn’t want her to get sick while sacrificing my work reputation. Giving her random gifts I bought. It’s like what ever I do is not enough. Or she doesn’t seem to be happy. She said she’s compromising. On the other hand I control my emotions, put them aside when we are having issues to comfort her. But how she reacts when she’s in my place is completely different (Below). 

Last fight, I asked her if we are meeting that day, she said go home and rest and go to the gym. That suggested she didn’t want to meet. I was a little upset but I let it go. After work she said she’s leaving, and that to me suggested she did want to meet. I told her she told me to go home and cook and go to gym so I’m doing that. Because she didn’t want to meet. Then she said okay. Immediately I tried to call her 5 times. She didn’t pick up. She lied about being on call with her friend. That’s why I didn’t call more, didn’t want to disturb her. I kept following up for the rest of the night what’s wrong, and tried to explain. But she ignored me. Doesn’t make me feel respected in this relationship. She also brings up a guy friend that I didn’t like, she said maybe I should ask him. She calls other guys hot. Not sure if it’s me but that to my face is disrespectful.

Like I said this isn’t the first time, happened before and I told her I’ll try to make her feel special. She says if she has to say it then it doesn’t mean anything when I do it. I have to think myself. And honestly I don’t think I’m capable of that, but maybe I am. If the limitations weren’t there then maybe. In the end she said she can’t be with someone she has to say this to over and over. I felt she hasn’t seen or appreciated what I’ve done so far, so I agreed to end things. Told her about not respecting me too.

I’m confused as to what I should feel. Like I feel I’m wrong, I feel I’m holding my pride and ego. 

How can I go about solving this?

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, theonlysuspect said:

. On weekends she is busy with chores and can’t leave.  she can’t be in a public place where people can spot her. Family doesn’t know because they are orthodox. 

How long have you been dating? How did you meet? Unfortunately there are too many major issues in the way.

 Her parents don't know about you? Is dating outside her culture/religion acceptable.

Agree you're better off walking away sooner rather than later as this seems like a heartache in progress.

[theonlysuspect]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

How long have you been dating? How did you meet? Unfortunately there are too many major issues in the way.

 Her parents don't know about you? Is dating outside her culture/religion acceptable.

Agree you're better off walking away sooner rather than later as this seems like a heartache in progress.

We have been dating for a year. We met in college as students. And her parents don't know about me, yet. She said when she can do something for them then she can tell them. Then they will agree to us. I am just concerned about the behavior. Seems toxic, manipulative. Or is this how relationships are supposed to be? Am I supposed to keep trying?

[MsJayne]

2 hours ago, theonlysuspect said:

She calls other guys hot.

She can think other guys are hot all she likes, but to say it to you is extremely rude and insensitive at best, at worst a spiteful put-down intended to make you feel inadequate. You're supposed to make her feel special all the time, and OK, yes, you should do little things to let your partner know you love them, (sounds like you do), but when it becomes a demand there's something distasteful about it. She sounds high maintenance, manipulative, spoiled, and ill-mannered. Not only did you do the right thing by agreeing to break up, but I think you've dodged a bullet. She will make some man thoroughly miserable one day. I wouldn't even acknowledge any contact she makes with you. What I would do is tell her you're going to call her father and tell him his daughter's been sneaking around behind his back for a year - of course I wouldn't actually do it, I would just enjoy watching her s**t her pants at the thought of her lies being exposed. 

 

[sarahcurnoles]

3 hours ago, theonlysuspect said:

I’m confused as to what I should feel. Like I feel I’m wrong, I feel I’m holding my pride and ego. 

First, I hear you. And I hear how deeply you care about her and how much you are trying. I hope you are giving yourself some credit for what you're doing (which includes asking for help here).

Confusion is often our brain's way of protecting us from knowing/feeling something uncomfortable. Often, we already know the answer to the question. If you knew the answer AND you had no pressure to do anything about it, what would your answer be?

You're allowed to feel how you feel. You're allowed to know what you want. You also get to choose what you want to do about that. 

I would encourage you to get honest about what you want from a relationship. Let this person disappear from your brain for a few moments. Who are you when you are being your best self? What qualities are you showing? And what qualities do you want in your ideal relationship? 

And then bring her back to mind. Do you get to be your best self in this relationship? Do you have the qualities of your ideal relationship here? 

[basil67]

Your post doesn't reflect the title I (23M) agreed to breaking up with (22F) feeling if I am in the wrong

When you say that you agreed to breaking up, it sounds like she wants to break up and you accepted.  Is this correct?  If so, you did the right thing.   She drives you nuts and you clearly feel like you're not respected, so ending it is the right thing to do.

And next time you date, don't stay in a relationship which is such hard work.  Yes, there will be disagreements and things to work through, but all in all, it shouldn't be this hard.

[theonlysuspect]

1 hour ago, MsJayne said:

She can think other guys are hot all she likes, but to say it to you is extremely rude and insensitive at best, at worst a spiteful put-down intended to make you feel inadequate. You're supposed to make her feel special all the time, and OK, yes, you should do little things to let your partner know you love them, (sounds like you do), but when it becomes a demand there's something distasteful about it. She sounds high maintenance, manipulative, spoiled, and ill-mannered. Not only did you do the right thing by agreeing to break up, but I think you've dodged a bullet. She will make some man thoroughly miserable one day. I wouldn't even acknowledge any contact she makes with you. What I would do is tell her you're going to call her father and tell him his daughter's been sneaking around behind his back for a year - of course I wouldn't actually do it, I would just enjoy watching her s**t her pants at the thought of her lies being exposed. 

 

I thought the exact same way. But the fact is I've been in this relationship and tried to leave many times. She came back every time making it my fault and that I should've made it up with her if I loved her enough. To keep trying to keep her in my life and I kept going at it. I thought I was doing wrong until she taught me. Now I have to unlearn that. 

[theonlysuspect]

23 minutes ago, sarahcurnoles said:

First, I hear you. And I hear how deeply you care about her and how much you are trying. I hope you are giving yourself some credit for what you're doing (which includes asking for help here).

Confusion is often our brain's way of protecting us from knowing/feeling something uncomfortable. Often, we already know the answer to the question. If you knew the answer AND you had no pressure to do anything about it, what would your answer be?

You're allowed to feel how you feel. You're allowed to know what you want. You also get to choose what you want to do about that. 

I would encourage you to get honest about what you want from a relationship. Let this person disappear from your brain for a few moments. Who are you when you are being your best self? What qualities are you showing? And what qualities do you want in your ideal relationship? 

And then bring her back to mind. Do you get to be your best self in this relationship? Do you have the qualities of your ideal relationship here? 

You're right.. I knew from a certain point that I didn't want her to be a part of my life. But what kept pulling me back is her. She kept coming back after a week and put the blame on me. Why I didn't go after her. Try to convince her. And I felt bad each time so I did. I feel awful when I can't choose myself. I heal and then I break again. 

[basil67]

Yep, you definitely need to walk away from her.  She sounds toxic

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, theonlysuspect said:

. I gave her everything. to changing religion,   she can’t be in a public place where people can spot her. Family doesn’t know because they are orthodox. 

Please trust your instincts. These are huge red flags. Make a clean break. Please tell her it's not working out, then delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 

[MsJayne]

3 hours ago, theonlysuspect said:

But the fact is I've been in this relationship and tried to leave many times. She came back every time making it my fault and that I should've made it up with her if I loved her enough.

So she invalidates your point of view and emotionally blackmails you, and it feels like you're on the back-foot all the time, questioning your own perception and then caving because it's easier than arguing with her. Interesting that she says she's 'compromising' when you're the one who's being kept a secret, being reprimanded regularly for not being "enough", tolerating her petulant princess behaviour, and you've even changed your religion for her, (on that point, I find it hard to believe she worships anything other than herself). If her religion is the reason she's not supposed to have a boyfriend have you questioned the hypocrisy of her sneaking around pretending to be a goody-two-shoes? Or is that what she calls 'compromising'? Hiding you from her family is just more invalidation, not to mention rude and selfish. You're absolutely doing the right thing breaking up with her, she sounds like a black hole of self-absorption who's just using you until she finds someone as perfect as herself. 

[Bue-aidez]

9 hours ago, theonlysuspect said:

We have been dating for a year. We met in college as students. And her parents don't know about me, yet. She said when she can do something for them then she can tell them. Then they will agree to us. I am just concerned about the behavior. Seems toxic, manipulative. Or is this how relationships are supposed to be? Am I supposed to keep trying?

Do you love her? Truly? Because it's not worth fighting for something you don't love. 

And how do you feel about the break up? Is it liberating or it's heavy on your heart? 

[JTSW]

14 hours ago, theonlysuspect said:

She also brings up a guy friend that I didn’t like, she said maybe I should ask him.

This means she has been seeing this guy.

You need to let it all go and walk away.

Relationships are not meant to be like this.

Drop the rope and thank your lucky stars that you got away from such a toxic person.

[BreakOnThrough]

You have the most power by walking away, she seems to come back around when you do, that's the only way you'll gain back any respect.  I don't know what you end goal is here, but stop catering to all her needs, jumping through hoops, stand up for yourself, she will only respect you if she believes you are her best option, act like you are by respecting yourself first and foremost, have a life outside of her.

[theonlysuspect]

9 hours ago, Bue-aidez said:

Do you love her? Truly? Because it's not worth fighting for something you don't love. 

And how do you feel about the break up? Is it liberating or it's heavy on your heart? 

I do love her. I think about her throughout the day. I would do things out of love for her. For her health, for her. I pray for her.. breaking up seems like a relief but at the same time, I have this empty feeling, like I want to be with her.

[theonlysuspect]

Just now, BreakOnThrough said:

You have the most power by walking away, she seems to come back around when you do, that's the only way you'll gain back any respect.  I don't know what you end goal is here, but stop catering to all her needs, jumping through hoops, stand up for yourself, she will only respect you if she believes you are her best option, act like you are by respecting yourself first and foremost, have a life outside of her.

I agree on that. I did have a life. Until she made me think I need to make her a priority. I used to hang out with my friends, gym. I am getting back in it. I’m going to focus on myself to make myself better.

[theonlysuspect]

4 hours ago, JTSW said:

This means she has been seeing this guy.

You need to let it all go and walk away.

Relationships are not meant to be like this.

Drop the rope and thank your lucky stars that you got away from such a toxic person.

Not sure.. I trusted her or I do trust her. So I never checked her phone or was even remotely suspicious. I told her to block him and she did. But she kept bringing him up. Like she was comparing me to him.

[Wiseman2]

On 7/25/2023 at 3:16 PM, theonlysuspect said:

We have been dating for a year. We met in college as students. And her parents don't know about me, yet. 

It seems far more toxic that you converted to her faith and that her family doesn't know about you than her thinking someone is hot. While that's a stupid thing to say, please look at the giant red flags instead of the little ones.

She may be scheduled for an arranged marriage and sowing wild oats in rebellion or is simply not allowed to date men outside her culture/religion.

You're not doing anything wrong, you just need to reflect and cut your losses. 

[JTSW]

17 hours ago, theonlysuspect said:

Not sure.. I trusted her or I do trust her. So I never checked her phone or was even remotely suspicious. I told her to block him and she did. But she kept bringing him up. Like she was comparing me to him.

You're too trusting. 

I wouldn't trust her as far as I could throw her.

She is trying to make you feel insecure and that' s not right.

She's toxic.