Insignificantdetails Posted July 21, 2023 Posted July 21, 2023 I met a guy on Hinge over a month ago. At the time, he was about to on holiday and then I went on holiday the following week. We met for drinks and the date lasted a few hours, good conversation, lots of laughing and some flirting. Just a hug at the end. He contacted me right away to say what a nice time he had and we talk most days since then. This is my dilemma: he contacted me last night to say he's busy every day next week apart from Sunday and free every day the following week. He then said 'apologies it's been like this when first meeting but things are about to quieten down properly.' He then said let's set a date and started talking date ideas. So weeks between 1st and 2nd dates. He told me he's just had his offer on a home accepted (I own my home and I know how stressful that is), work has been non stop and he last week he was on holiday again. On holiday, he messaged me every day and sent pics from things he did. In a way, I think he's just not into me if he can wait weeks to meet again. So why bother? On the other hand, what do I have to lose from another date? What I don't want is to invest in someone who is making excuses if that's all it is.
basil67 Posted July 21, 2023 Posted July 21, 2023 54 minutes ago, Insignificantdetails said: In a way, I think he's just not into me if he can wait weeks to meet again. You said "he contacted me last night to say he's busy every day next week apart from Sunday and free every day the following week". How does this translate to him waiting weeks to see you again? I read this as him being able to see you in just over one week and every day after that. 3
Author Insignificantdetails Posted July 21, 2023 Author Posted July 21, 2023 @basil67 I'm not sure that's what he means. I think he means 'i'm really free this week , so take your pick of the date day'. The first date was already 10 days ago so it's moving at a snail's pace. Yes he was on holiday during this time but he's back now. I don't know. I want to give people a chance but I feel guarded. Most second dates I've had in the past have happened quickly.
Wiseman2 Posted July 21, 2023 Posted July 21, 2023 2 hours ago, Insignificantdetails said: What I don't want is to invest in someone who is making excuses if that's all it is. That's the key. Try not to overinvest. Keep in mind both of you are still talking to and meeting others. Step back from all the texting. Also keep in mind that no one is "too busy" for what they're interested in. Put him on the back burner. Keep talking to and meeting other men.
Author Insignificantdetails Posted July 21, 2023 Author Posted July 21, 2023 Thanks @Wiseman2 I have struggled with over investing in the past. It means I wake up anxiously hoping for a message and feel bad when I haven't heard from the person. In this case, I actually said it may be best to leave things if he can't find the time and he insisted he was keen to see me/the 'busy' period would pass soon. Last night I did yoga before bed & woke up to a message from him...but before I even read it I felt calm and fine about either outcome. So I'll keep up the yoga! The issue is I haven't met anyone else yet I want to go on a date with. But I have a full on job & busy hobbies. I suppose I just need to keep looking after number one and not attaching my worth to dating outcomes...it can be hard! 1
basil67 Posted July 21, 2023 Posted July 21, 2023 12 hours ago, Insignificantdetails said: @basil67 I'm not sure that's what he means. I think he means 'i'm really free this week , so take your pick of the date day'. The first date was already 10 days ago so it's moving at a snail's pace. Yes he was on holiday during this time but he's back now. I don't know. I want to give people a chance but I feel guarded. Most second dates I've had in the past have happened quickly. This week....next week....it gets so confusing Kindly, he wasn't able to take you on a date because he was away, but he's back now and keen. This doesn't translate to being a snail's pace. And it sounds like he would have taken you on a second date more quickly had he been in town. It's all sounding good so far 4
Alpacalia Posted July 22, 2023 Posted July 22, 2023 Sounds like he is genuinely just busy and wants to see you again when he is free. Plus he kept in touch with you while he was away which is a good sign, right?
JTSW Posted July 24, 2023 Posted July 24, 2023 On 7/21/2023 at 10:05 AM, Insignificantdetails said: I think he's just not into me if he can wait weeks to meet again. I'm baffled how you came to this conclusion. Everything else you said shows he is very much into you. He is genuinely busy and so are you. It doesn't matter how quick you are use to things moving, there are no rules on this. Work around your busy schedules until things ease up and you can make more time for each other. 3
stillafool Posted July 24, 2023 Posted July 24, 2023 On 7/21/2023 at 6:12 AM, Insignificantdetails said: Most second dates I've had in the past have happened quickly. Were you guys also going on vacations in between dating? There's nothing wrong with taking it slow. Why are you in a rush, he seems willing to see you again. 1
Author Insignificantdetails Posted July 24, 2023 Author Posted July 24, 2023 On 7/23/2023 at 12:58 AM, Alpacalia said: Sounds like he is genuinely just busy and wants to see you again when he is free. Plus he kept in touch with you while he was away which is a good sign, right? Possibly yes, the issue is I don't know him well enough yet to know if 1) it really is just a busy period or 2) this is how it's going to be because his life is like this or he's actually not that into me. It's 48 hours since I replied to his request to set up another date & I haven't heard from him. I understand people are urging me to take it slow and maybe they're right. But there's something about it that feels a little off right now.
Alpacalia Posted July 24, 2023 Posted July 24, 2023 1 hour ago, Insignificantdetails said: Possibly yes, the issue is I don't know him well enough yet to know if 1) it really is just a busy period or 2) this is how it's going to be because his life is like this or he's actually not that into me. It's 48 hours since I replied to his request to set up another date & I haven't heard from him. I understand people are urging me to take it slow and maybe they're right. But there's something about it that feels a little off right now. Exactly right. You don't know him well enough to know what's what. If you like him, give it another day, drop him a line, and if he doesn't respond move on. I feel life is too short to waste time worrying about a guy you met once. 1
Gaeta Posted July 24, 2023 Posted July 24, 2023 (edited) On 7/21/2023 at 5:05 AM, Insignificantdetails said: What I don't want is to invest in someone who is making excuses if that's all it is. You had one date, you're not supposed to be invested. Most first dates don't go anywhere so hold your horses a little. Go back online and set up a date with someone else. You give this guy too much value, he could be married, could be a player, could be a time waster. Don't put hope into something under 3 good dates. Edited July 24, 2023 by Gaeta 4
Wiseman2 Posted July 24, 2023 Posted July 24, 2023 2 hours ago, Insignificantdetails said: .It's 48 hours since I replied to his request to set up another date & I haven't heard from him. That's ok. You're both still talking to and meeting others. You don't have to jettison the whole thing, you can just wait to hear back. In the meantime, you can continue to message and meet others as well. Don't worry about if he's "into you" this early on. That has yet to be determined. 2
justwhoiam Posted July 25, 2023 Posted July 25, 2023 17 hours ago, Insignificantdetails said: It's 48 hours since I replied to his request to set up another date & I haven't heard from him. I understand people are urging me to take it slow and maybe they're right. But there's something about it that feels a little off right now. Ok, that's a red flag for me. I would take that as him not being as eager to see you as you are. Or he has something going on, and it's not work. If I were in your shoes, the moment he's texting back, I wouldn't check the message. It might sound childish, but he needs a taste of his own medicine. Let that linger for 3 or more days. At your own discretion. In the meantime, date others. When you eventually reply, don't sound harsh nor mad, and just observe his behavior from then on. Texting inconsistency is compatible with an existing relationship. 1 1
Author Insignificantdetails Posted July 26, 2023 Author Posted July 26, 2023 Yep @justwhoiam now on day 4 and not only he hasn't replied, but I've actually been left on delivered when he's been online. So I think at this point it's fair to assume a ghosting underway. I don't get it. 2 weeks ago when he dropped off & I brought it up with the intention of moving on, he came back insisting he was really keen. In his last message, he is saying let's set a date now for next date and reassuring me the busy period will be over soon. Because it's early days, I have low investment in him as a person..What I can't hack is the disrespect of leaving me hanging and stringing me along. Not even reading my messages is somehow worse than just being left on read. 1
JTSW Posted July 26, 2023 Posted July 26, 2023 Send one last text and saying it was nice to meet him but he's clearly not interested in pursuing so take care.
stillafool Posted July 26, 2023 Posted July 26, 2023 (edited) Since you only went out with him once I wouldn't get too worked up about it. A first date is to assess whether you like the person enough to continue seeing them and it's clear his interest is very low. Most would just move on at this point and forget about him until you hear from him. Edited July 26, 2023 by stillafool
Wiseman2 Posted July 26, 2023 Posted July 26, 2023 4 hours ago, Insignificantdetails said: ..What I can't hack is the disrespect of leaving me hanging and stringing me along. Not even reading my messages is somehow worse than just being left on read. There's really nothing to do here. Either he replies when he's finished his business, vacation whatever...or not. Please do not send a huffy breakup text. It's poor form and won't accomplish anything but shooting yourself in the foot and appearing unhinged. It was one date. If he ghosts, just write it off. 6
justwhoiam Posted July 26, 2023 Posted July 26, 2023 I agree with Wiseman2, don't text, unless he texts. And even then, don't reply right away. 1
Alpacalia Posted July 26, 2023 Posted July 26, 2023 (edited) 7 hours ago, Insignificantdetails said: What I can't hack is the disrespect of leaving me hanging and stringing me along. Not even reading my messages is somehow worse than just being left on read. Well, it's a jerk move. Unfortunately, he's turned his attentions away from you. Let's be honest, would you want to see this guy again after asking for a date, you reply, and then he takes 4 days to reply? I mean, he might be trying to organize his schedule including other dates or he's still on vacation. Whatever the reason, his planning sucks. Unfortunately accept that’s part of OLD. Pick yourself back up and don’t let that keep you down or out of OLD if that’s what it is you want. Edited July 26, 2023 by Alpacalia
Gaeta Posted July 26, 2023 Posted July 26, 2023 After only one date you should have continued making date plans with others. Also when l was single and dating l did not entertained men on text while they were on vacation or on business trip, l'd tell them to get in touch with me when they get back. Most of those did not get back to me which was a good thing, l was looking for a man walking the walk. It wasn't them. 2
Author Insignificantdetails Posted July 26, 2023 Author Posted July 26, 2023 @Gaeta I actually did do this. He went on 2 trips in quick succession. The first time was a week, I said I'll speak to you when you're back. He contacted me the night he was en route home a week later Second time was a long weekend recently. This time I said let's plan when you're back, regardless he continued to send daily messages and photos from the trip. In this case, I saw it as a good sign and a way of keeping in touch until the next date. 1
Author Insignificantdetails Posted July 30, 2023 Author Posted July 30, 2023 Well thanks for the perspective all. A week later I remain left on delivered/ghosted but feel mostly ok now. He asked for my full name when we met (fair enough) & I did same. I've looked him up on social media...became clear he's still very close with an ex girlfriend. Not necessarily dating but I could see he was with her & another friend on holiday the first time and this week. Anyway the sting of ghosting still sucks but I feel a lot better now. He wasn't it and I think I have the energy to keep trying online dating. I was also asked out through a hobby last week, and although not interested, I'll keep doing in person things too. Relying on online dating alone can get taxing. I'll try not to get so invested next time. 2
Alpacalia Posted July 30, 2023 Posted July 30, 2023 4 minutes ago, Insignificantdetails said: Well thanks for the perspective all. A week later I remain left on delivered/ghosted but feel mostly ok now. He asked for my full name when we met (fair enough) & I did same. I've looked him up on social media...became clear he's still very close with an ex girlfriend. Not necessarily dating but I could see he was with her & another friend on holiday the first time and this week. Anyway the sting of ghosting still sucks but I feel a lot better now. He wasn't it and I think I have the energy to keep trying online dating. I was also asked out through a hobby last week, and although not interested, I'll keep doing in person things too. Relying on online dating alone can get taxing. I'll try not to get so invested next time. That stinks. Sorry about that. Sounds like he's still very much involved with his ex. That's tricky situation to find yourself in. So actually, it's a plus that he didn't reply because you definitely don't want to get involved with someone who's not over their ex or put yourself in a situation where you're battling someone for a man's attention, especially if you're still getting to know him.
glows Posted July 30, 2023 Posted July 30, 2023 (edited) Your gut feelings were pointing you in the right direction that he wasn’t as interested. I tend to think someone open to dating wouldn’t be actively on an online dating site and setting up dates weeks inbetween each other. That his ex is still very much in the picture(again, with no mention of children) makes me think you’ve dodged a bullet on this one. Edited July 30, 2023 by glows 1
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