Wow-the patterns ARE the same

[Mtn.mamacita]

I'm new to this site and what an eye opener!! Mine started 8 months ago. I was married w/ 2 kids. He has 3 and the standard "bad marriage". I have since filed for divorce for MYSELF not for MM. We met while vacationing w/o spouses, instant chemistry-never touched. Emails progressed to phone calls which progressed to 2 long wonderful w/e trysts. ( he lives states away) One while we were still w/ spouses and one while we were both separated. We felt everything the classic intense MM/OW relationship felt.....best friends, love of my life, soul mate, never felt like this, happens only once in a lifetime, compatible in every way, shape and form. We talked almost everyday at least once. We are so much alike it is scary!! He liked to talk of the future together and it sounded like a natural progression.

While we were both married we shared risk. I didn't consider myself the OW but I was. He was always telling me how awful the W is...You know the routine-they all sound the same! He was separated for 2 mths always saying they are divorcing, although never did. Then he finally did the inevitable and moved back to work on thing w/ W. I still feel those intense feelings for him, as strong as ever and I truly believe he feels those for me. I know he will never leave even though I can't understand why he would stay. I will always hope. We also could never stick to NC, it was too addicting (as you all know)

 

I WILL stick to my guns of NC this time. It's only been 2 days and i've never been longer than 3-5 without!!! The pain of loss is so great, I'm 38 and never experienced a broken heart before. I'm physically sick, can't eat or sleep. I could never have imagined feeling this bad. You all know the feeling.

 

But on the good side (you always have to look at the good side) what a wonderful ride I had! I'm so thankful I have been able to experience the beauty of loving so deeply. It was wonderful to know it is possible. But I want someone that can give that to me 100% of the time!! I believe we are all worth that!

I'm trying to keep busy with classes, new work, salsa lessons,skiing, running, trips planned to Mexico and Italy so far. Life is one big adventure....you only live once...get out now while you still have many years ahead. If they think you are truly worth it they will come find you! Statistics show the W is more worth it...sorry! Unfortunately we will always hope for more.

 

The true meaning of me writing is to see how long this horrible feeling of loss, sadness, and depression will last. Has anybody actually NC for more than 1 month?? I hear you suffer incredibly for 30 days then it SLOWLY diminished over the next 6 mths to 1 year and never truly goes away. I also hear that if there is contact before the 6 month "grieving process" is up, you start that 30 day suffering all over again!!!!! So hang in there. Anyone with experience on this?

And why don't I ever read about MM emotional distress (from the source) of breaking it off w/ OW???

[LauraBancroft]

My friend went through this with an MM she met while he was at work. It started off as friends and then they started hanging out more and more. Mind you both of them are/were married. Then he started feeding her all the same standard crap that most typical MM's feed OW's. He was buttering her up so to speak and it worked like a charm, I equal it to a forked silver tongue snake, and she was vulnerable and swallowed his crap because her own marriage was lacking in a lot of ways. Then he became flakey and shoved her off, he would do this back and forth stuff for a long time until my friend got tired of it and finally ended it. She was doing so well, no contact for three months, then one day he messages her out of the blue and those old feelings were re-kindled instantly when she answered him back. Thus the pick up of the affair again. This time my friend didn't wear her heart on her sleeve, of course he kept messaging and telling her this time that he loved her and why wouldn't she let him back in, she never did let him back in and ultimately it all ended so badly.

 

As for the reason why you don't read about MM's greivances is because a lot of the time men handle their frustration and sadness in other ways. For women we like to bond and talk and get others input, for men it is a very private thing and most are not likely to share like we do. So I would guess that is why we don't hear from a lot of the MM's.

[Rodeogirl]

The NC thing is torture especially if he keeps calling you, it's ok for a couple of days to try and gather your thoughts and feelings about where the realtionship is going but I dont think it is always right in every situation.

 

I too came here about 2 -3 weeks ago reading like you are and made a post about mine and several said NC was a must and I did it for 5 days and on day 6 I wnated to call him and stop playing childish games, there were too many things left unsaid and as grown- ups who made grown up decisions I felt we should both at least walk away with some answers, so I called him Last Wednesday!

 

He picked up eagerly on the first ring and we had a 20 minute discussion, alot of it was painful alot of it was happiness and then at the end of the phone call I realized that was all we needed a good old fashioned adult TALK about where we stood and where we are going from here.

 

So in a case by case basis NC is not always the right thing to do.

 

I can say I am so happy about talking that over with him, and NO we have not seen eachother yet but I plan too because he has shown me more than ever how he feels, and I knew he felt something because he could not tell me in our conversaton last week that he wanted it to be over. A man of his caliber can get any woman he wants, and with the issues I have put upon our relationship recently he could have easily dropped all contact with me and never looked back. We need eachother right now and it's something I can not explain well.

 

But this is not about me right now, if you are looking for the pain to fade quickly the only way of having it fade is to CALL HIM whether it is truth or lies he tells you, at least you have some answers and go from there to deal with it. When you leave without any explanations it hurts WORSE!! because you are constantly thinking about where you went wrong and you are left to answer questions for him, and when your mind is thinking for TWO people it drives you insane!!!

 

Been there!

[Mtn.mamacita]

I don't need anymore explanations. Choices have been made. He chooses to stay in a supposedly unfulfilling, empty, sometimes violent M. If he is madly in love with me and chooses to be unhappy in M there is nothing I can do. Makes you wonder how bad it really is!!!

As far as calling...not happpening! Why prolong the inevitable??

You will be stuck as an OW as long as you allow him to let you. Why would he give that up??? How many years will you waste waiting? Just start the painful 6 months now instead of later....you'll have to do it sometime. The outcome is always the same. Everybody thinks theirs is different, more unique than all the others. Have you not noticed how many OW feel that way. Aren't you shocked as to the pattern that keeps playing out?

[Sloppy]

Hey Mamacita!

I've been in NC for over a month (just barely ). It felt OK at the beginning, than week 3 was HELL (dunno why, just missed him terribly as I had never been without him for even a day - I also went through a lot of anger as I felt betrayed and lied to), now I feel stronger than ever before.

You are right, I too am thankful for the great experience of love (however twisted form of love that might be) and for the experience.

Stick to your NC, it is true that if you keep in touch you will only prolong your pain. I can speak from a personal experience now.

You will not hear about a MMs painful journey because there is more likely none. The MM still has the W and probably already thinking about another OW.

Yes, the patterns ARE the same indeed

[Mtn.mamacita]

Hey sloppy. Sounds like you are on the right path. Keep busy. Make plans to travel if you can. Go experience new experiences. I hope that will work for me. I can hardly wait for week #3.

I don't think the love was twisted at all, the situation was what made it twisted. I believe it was very real and still is. Well...What can you do?

[Mtn.mamacita]

As far as the painful journey of the MM. I believe he is hurting. And as long as W doesn't provide the missing things he found in me(which I highly doubt, even w/ therapy) he's setting himself up for another OW wether planned or not. He will always be searching.

How long was your A? Any kids involved? Are/were you married?

[Rodeogirl]

I disagree because if he is calling you because he is also wnating answers it is ok to be an adult and talk things out, I didnt mean it was ok to patch things up I was saying that at least you will have some closure.

 

 

But whatever I never said I was different I said I was an adult who made an adult decisions so to CALL and talk about it helped me in my case, not using these dont answer the phone games, especially if he is wanting to talk as well.

 

Do whatever works for you. But I betcha I he is not home losing sleep , starving himself or looking to see if he missed your calls.

[newbby]

There have been a few mm who have posted in here of how much they are hurting and how difficult it is to let the ow go. I think on the nc thing, you are both correct. NC can become a game, it can also be a positive action, or it can be a permanent solution that allows you to move on. After all few mm will just let the ow go, when he is getting his cake and eating it too. Therefore, for most ow, nc really is the only way to go.

mtn.mamacita, it sounds as though you have a very nice and full life. i think you will be over this sooner than you think. i generally have ups and downs, and i think most do. i think 6 months is a reasonable amount of time for grieving. its not so long at all really is it. it will be getting easier and easier during that time too.