PMSing, wanted reassurance from partner & didn't receive support I was seeking. Hurt & upset.

[ElleCat]

I was on a morning walk with my partner and I was talking about how I was having trouble deciding what to do today. I was thinking of going thrifting (I'm a reseller) and then working on my inventory spreadsheet afterwards, but I was worried that since I'm PMSing I wouldn't have enough energy to do both so thought I should just work on my spreadsheet. But I was also feeling a little bit bad about not doing both, that I wouldn't be accomplishing enough and that I SHOULD be able to do both. I expressed all this looking for some encouragement and reassurance. He didn't really say much and changed the subject. I brought it back up a few minutes later, "so what do you think about what I was saying about what to do with my day?" He went on to give me a lecture (or what felt like it to me, but was just his unfiltered opinion, being in accounting) about how he thinks the spreadsheet should be the priority until I'm all caught up on it. I got upset because he's already told me his opinion about prioritizing the spreadsheet multiple times and I was just mainly looking for a sweet/gentle/reassuring response, something like, "It's okay if you can't do everything today; it's okay to take it easier on yourself while you're dealing with pms. Working on your spreadsheet sounds good since you can stay home to do that and you need to get caught up on it anyway."

I've talked to him before about how I suspect I have anxious attachment tendencies and that it may be a reason for some of our issues. After I told him that I was looking for more of a supportive energy in his response he told me "this feels like an anxious attachment thing, you wanting me to respond in a specific way." I've been bawling my eyes out off and on all day... I can't tell if it's an anxious attachment thing or not, but I know I feel so deeply sad that I'm not feeling the support I wanted from him, and that he doesn't seem to have that to give. Is it unreasonable for me to want him to respond to me with a sweeter more supportive energy, especially when I'm PMSing? He's spent some time in the past practicing non-violent communication, and he's told me that based on that model, meeting a need is not attached to a specific strategy or person. I agree with that on a basic level, but in a romantic partnership, isn't it reasonable to want some things from that specific person?

I know I'm more sensitive right now because of PMS, but that's part of the point... I wish he had just been able to change his tune when I said I was looking for more support. Feeling very sad, very confused about whether I'm in the wrong or not. Any input is appreciated.. thank you.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. Please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

Try not to ask him about what to do, just decide for yourself what your priorities are. 

[BaileyB]

Oh, the story of my life… I get myself all worked up and then it occurs to me - there is a reason why I’m feeling so tired/emotional/unhappy/irrational. And that realization reminds me to take a deep breath, be kind to myself, and let whatever it is that I’m stewing about go…

In all kindness, it’s not really his job to help you to decide what to do with your day. It’s not even his job to provide reassurance… In my humble opinion, it has less to do with an anxious attachment style than your ability to self regulate your own emotions.

Have I asked for a hug or some comfort from my partner when I’m feeling badly or upset - of course. Is he good at offering support - not really. He gives a good hug. But mostly, it’s his cue to give me a wide berth for a few days… 

If you are feeling tired and overwhelmed today, my advice would be to pick one task and then chose something that brings you joy to do afterwards. Get your favorite coffee. Go for a walk. Have a nap. Watch your favorite tv show. Whatever you need to do to get through the day because - tomorrow is another day. 

And here’s the good news - if you feel like this now, just wait until you get to perimenopause…

Feel better. 

Edited July 19, 2023 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

I agree that it is not his job to help you plan your day.  Also it's not fair to expect him to read your mine as to what you want him to say while you're PMSing.  Maybe try to find ways to self soothe if you know this will be happening every month.

[basil67]

I'm afraid I'm in agreement that you were asking too much from him.  It's really important to be able to manage your own planning, and also to be kind to yourself so that you don't get caught up needing the reassurance from others.   

If you're not feeling great and know that you can't get everything done, that's OK. If you give yourself permission to do less when you're not feeling so great, you won't get caught up feeling bad about your decision.   Or if the whole thing is getting on top of you and you can't see the light at the end of the tunnel, perhaps it's time to rethink the whole venture. 

[Alpacalia]

Sorry you were not feeling well. Sounds like you were just looking for a bit of reassurance. Did you ever see this video?

 

[Mrin]

The Harsh: Dude here. Oh man, this post gives me PTSD just reading it. It is the type of thing that makes me want to pull out my hair and swear off relationships. 

The Not So Harsh: Don't get me wrong OP, you aren't bad or wrong for wanting what you wanted - emotional support from a partner. I know it probably felt like I was throwing stones at you - I'm not. I'm throwing stones at the situation. There is nothing wrong with what you wanted. It was just that how you were expecting it to show up is a mismatch. You asked for his thoughts/opinion and he gave it to you. Here's the thing... You weren't really wanting his opinion - You were wanting his support. I would suggest that had you been much more direct you would have have a better outcome. I know I know... You don't want to have to ask for support because if he gets it to you then it's not genuine. Right? Well to that I say balderdash. That's just a story you make up. If I ask you for a cup of tea and you enthusiastically make a fantastic cup of tea for me, is that tea any "less" than if you had just offered me tea without asking? No. In fact I would say the fact that I vocalized my needs (of a cup of tea) and you leapt to provide me what I needed actually makes that cup of tea "more" than if you had just offered me tea without me asking for it explicitly. 

Next time try a more direct approach and judge his authenticity based on how he reacts. 

Hope this helps!

Mrin

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, ElleCat said:

Is it unreasonable for me to want him to respond to me with a sweeter more supportive energy, especially when I'm PMSing?

No, but it's also your responsibility to regulate your own emotions and not hold it against him so much when he can't read your mind. 

10 hours ago, ElleCat said:

He's spent some time in the past practicing non-violent communication

Why is that? 

[Els]

If you want a specific thing, then ask for that specific thing (e.g. "can we hug?"). Don't ask for his opinion on something and then get upset because you didn't like the opinion he gave you. I understand that PMS can be rough (I have very un-fond memories of the time before I started on BC, which basically treated my PMS completely), but you still need to be an adult and ask for what you need. He can't read your mind.

[ElleCat]

Thank you everyone for your replies. Feeling more like myself now. I've recently been starting to see more clearly that I struggle with self-regulating my emotions and you all have helped me confirm that it is indeed an issue. I've suspected for awhile now that I'm undiagnosed ADHD with one of my symptoms being emotional dysregulation. I've been ultra sensitive and reactive as long as I can remember. Before researching ADHD I always thought, "it's just how I am." Going to look into seeing a therapist.. I want to learn how to be better for my partner. Thanks again all. xo ElleCat

[JTSW]

Men find it difficult during a woman's time of the month on a good day OP.

My husband has always said that he's happy to cuddle me, cook for me, go out and get me anything I need etc during these times.

He says men are just worried about women taking things the wrong way during our period, which we do lol.

Your man hasn't done anything wrong.

He was just being guarded.

[glows]

My first impression is this guy either lacks empathy or he’s annoyed with you needing this much support and encouragement in regards to being indecisive. 

Also a woman here and have, in the past, taken to journaling during that time of the month. Try it. It will be an outlet for you instead of seeking validation all the time from another source. Learn to self-soothe. 

Having said that if there are long term issues with respect to his manner or tone you probably have someone who demonstrates his love in actions and is not verbally affirmative. Both of you need to understand that about one another if you’re going to stay together.