is it over?

[rainstoday]

i have lurked here a little bit and now i thought i'd post for some feedback. hopefully encouragement? i originally came upon this site when reading about engagements. i thought mine might be somewhere in the near future. boy was i wrong. I want to know what you think is happening or might happen. Here's the story. I'll try to be as brief as possible b/c I'm at work and keep crying. This might get me started again...

 

my bf and i have been living together for 2 years. it's by far the best and healthiest relationship i've ever been in. he has basically become part of my family and i have become very close to his toddler son from his previous marriage. we enjoy the same things and have the same goals. same goals, except different time frames. I think that after 2 years, it is not out in left field to be talking about marriage. After my dr. reminded me the other day that my clock is ticking (i'm 32) i decided to bring up the marriage thing to him. i knew this was a risk since we almost broke up about this in the Spring when he felt like i was pressuring him. we ended up taking some space and things fell back into place in a couple of weeks. i told him that i would lay off the marriage talk. well 6 months later(now), after the dr. visit, i brought it up again last week. i told him i wanted to be married or at least engaged within the next year. He's never been able to give me even a time frame of when he'll be ready but will tell me that he sees it and wants it with me. He says that he's not ready b/c he is still healing from his divorce. it's not about her, it's all the losses and set backs, emotional and financial, that went along with it. (he wont go to therapy, i tried. he thinks time will heal him)well on sunday he told me that the only thing to do is break up. neither of us wants it. i do belive that he loves me and that we would be married one day, but what if that one day never came? it's not like he reminded me often that it would happen. so in my mind it was more an "if" and not a "when". when we broke up, he said that he just doesn't see us being on the same time frame. he also said he wishes i would wait but knows that the issue would keep coming up. so the only thing to do is this. we were both crying and saying how much we loved eachother. he packed all his clothes. he said that maybe we can still date. I told him that I couldn't bank on that. He said he still wants to talk everyday. then he said maybe he just needs to take time away and figure out what he wants. He suggested we may get back together and that maybe after some time, he'd come back and see things the way I see them. that was sunday and i haven't heard from him yet. some of my family has spoken to him briefly and said that he's very, very upset. i have to go out of town on business for the next few days. i'm so afraid that when i get back all the rest of his stuff will be gone. that to me will mean it really is over. i don't know what to expect for this weekend as his son will be visiting and is used to staying at my/our house.

 

sorry this is so long and probably a little disjointed. i'm just a mess at the thought that it might really be over. I have no idea how i'm going to get through this business trip in a hotel alone for three days. fearful of what i will find when i return (an empty house). so my question is, does anyone think maybe it's not over? that he will miss me and want to make it work? Does this ever happen? People break up and come back together? I know some people do, but i'm so afraid it wont be my case. I keep thinking that the reason he is currently so distraught (as I have been told) is b/c he know's it really over. if he thought there was hope, he wouldn't be so upset, right?

 

I'm sure we'll talk in the next few days but i'm so scared he wont want to try to work it out. i keep blaming myself for ruining such a good thing, but was i wrong to express my wants and goals after two years? was i being too pushy? maybe if i had just waited? I had it all, now he's just gone. we had a lot.