I'll Never Forget the Hate in His Eyes

[Nicki007]

This post follows my initial post "Why Is Letting Go So Hard?" below:

My emotionally affair  restarted with the same MM l speak of in my previous post.

In February of this year, after the passing of another close family member, it was after this that the emotionally affair restarted. MM was so consoled me & not long after that I was in a car accident. MM was there making sure I was ok & checking up on me.

Then things started falling apart in his life with various major events & he suddenly was dealing with serious health issues. We began to get deeply emotionally bonded in this moment. Leaning on each other,  we opened up more than I ever thought we had in the past & sharing painful moments we  rarely shared with others. 

The pain & sadness had bounded us & we took comfort in one another, encouraging, praying, laughing, crying.

Then just as I thought I was strong enough to endure the challenges in my life, one hour after I saw him & we had a great conversation, I text him to see how he was feeling as he did not look well as I left, he called me back within minutes crying & saying he was standing in front of his wife & that it was guilt & he can't do this anymore & don't call or text him.  I hung up the phone as he was talking because I was so confused at the moment why he didn't tell me this when he just saw me.

Needless to say was devastated, but nothing coulx prepare from the hurt & pain when I ran into & his eyes were full of hate & disgust.

I have never been crushed to my soul in all my life than in that particular moment & the shame of allowing myself to get back involved emotionally with him. I am devastated & it's all my fault. Posters can beat me up about being wrong or I should've knew better, trust me I have been saying the same thing over and over again to myself. 

Lesson learnt, heart broken. Just trying my best to move on & learn to love myself after so much sadness in my life this year. Please be gentle in the comments, as I am feeling really low and needed to vent & I'm not doing to good at the moment. 

Thank you for reading.

  

[basil67]

I'm sorry.  If I can give one consolation, I would imagine the hate and disgust in his eyes wasn't specifically aimed at you.  Rather I think it would have been about the whole situation he got himself into and the hurt and pain these actions caused his wife and family.   

Edited July 19, 2023 by basil67

[OW10]

I'm so sorry you feel this way. 

I have experienced the same and to me, it was (still is) really kind of a traumatic experience. 
The man I once knew to be completely into me, who loved me and spoke like we had a future together, like he couldn't live without me, suddenly turned completely cold in a matter of hours. I saw the hatred growing in his eyes with every question I asked to try and process his sudden switch. It was like when he saw my pain, he got angrier every time.

Every contact we had ever since (necessary because of work) is like this. He is cold and distant and nothing of the man I knew, remains. 
I feel you; it is very painful.. 

I have been in therapy myself to process this, as it caused me some trauma and as I really took this upon myself (what did I do wrong, is he really angry, how could he love me if he already appears to have forgotten me,..?)

I learned that some people just have a dismissive avoidant attachment style.. and what you see right now is the way for him to process this loss he is feeling, because he probably truly loved you. Some people just shut down, go completely cold (and appear angry) as a defense mechanism so they won't have to face the emotions accompanied with the loss they're feeling. It's very hard to understand how they can behave this way when you have a healthy attachment style because you still feel the love for him and the pain of the breakup yourself. 

But he probably just kind of turned off his emotions towards you. 

[Nicki007]

11 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'm sorry.  If I can give one consolation, I would imagine the hate and disgust in his eyes wasn't specifically aimed at you.  Rather I think it would have been about the whole situation he got himself into and the hurt and pain these actions caused his wife and family.   

Thank you, I know that whatever I feel can not compare to what his wife & family is going through & I will forever be sorry & ashamed  & regret my part in causing that pain. I hope that is what was going on when he looked at me because I know that he has to be  dealing with a lot at home, & I wondered how he would react if we saw each other again, but I wasn’t prepared for what I saw & it is just so traumatizing & gut wrenching.

Thank you again for sharing your input!

[Nicki007]

2 hours ago, OW10 said:

I'm so sorry you feel this way. 

I have experienced the same and to me, it was (still is) really kind of a traumatic experience. 
The man I once knew to be completely into me, who loved me and spoke like we had a future together, like he couldn't live without me, suddenly turned completely cold in a matter of hours. I saw the hatred growing in his eyes with every question I asked to try and process his sudden switch. It was like when he saw my pain, he got angrier every time.

Every contact we had ever since (necessary because of work) is like this. He is cold and distant and nothing of the man I knew, remains. 
I feel you; it is very painful.. 

I have been in therapy myself to process this, as it caused me some trauma and as I really took this upon myself (what did I do wrong, is he really angry, how could he love me if he already appears to have forgotten me,..?)

I learned that some people just have a dismissive avoidant attachment style.. and what you see right now is the way for him to process this loss he is feeling, because he probably truly loved you. Some people just shut down, go completely cold (and appear angry) as a defense mechanism so they won't have to face the emotions accompanied with the loss they're feeling. It's very hard to understand how they can behave this way when you have a healthy attachment style because you still feel the love for him and the pain of the breakup yourself. 

But he probably just kind of turned off his emotions towards you. 

I am so very sorry that you had to & still are enduring this pain. It really hurts. I haven’t been able to eat or sleep now for days just trying to process it. It is still fresh so it know it’s going to take a long time to heal, but the look is forever ingrained into my soul & it will always linger in the back of my mind. I had never had a emotional connection & bond with anyone like I had with him & I thought it to be the same with him, at least that’s what he told me. I just don’t know which man I was dealing with & which one was real, the before & after. 
 

Another factor is the complete deafening silence that came with end of my “best friend”. There is no daily good mornings or good nights texts, no more sharing the events of the day, no more updates as far as his health daily, no more encouragements, no mor disagreement, no crying, laughing or caring. Another loss I have to deal with 🥹.

I hope things get better with you & your able to become stronger each day & someday you will find a love where the connection & chemistry are just as powerful & he is not married or unavailable & would put you first & always make you feel loved, desired, important, protect & safe in his love.

Stay strong & continue to work on you & heal & become a better, wiser person from this experience & try to remember you are worth being loved & you matter! I am currently in the beginning stage of going on this journey.

Thank you for sharing your experience with me, it has helped me a lot to process what is happening now!

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, OW10 said:

It's very hard to understand how they can behave this way when you have a healthy attachment style because you still feel the love for him and the pain of the breakup yourself. 

You may have a healthy attachment style but you chose an unavailable partner and that decision in itself, is a very unhealthy decision. And poor decisions tend to have very poor outcomes. 

I wish you both well as you move forward. I would suggest that you try to appreciate the fact that this is actually a gift - you are not going to waste any more time in a dead end relationship. You are now free to find the relationship you are truly meant to have in your life. Good luck. 

 

Edited July 19, 2023 by BaileyB

[stillafool]

Where did you run into him at?  He may or may not have been standing in front of his wife when he called off the affair.  He may have just come to his senses after being home and witnessing something, who knows.  I agree this is the best thing that could have happened for you.  Maybe now you will be able to put this behind you and move on with your life.

[mark clemson]

Indeed there are folks out there who don't handle breakups well or with compassion or civility, even when the relationship itself was "good". Breakups generally are complicated and can go a wide variety of different ways.

It's possible that part of what's going on is that he now sees you and/or further contact/communication with you as a "threat" and is treating you accordingly.

Suggest you let him be and pick up the pieces and move on. There probably isn't much else you can do anyhow. Although it tends to take longer then we'd like, eventually you'll "process" this and be ready to move on.

[BaileyB]

Whatever the reason, he has ended it. Respect that and appreciate that decision for what it is - an opportunity to move on and build a better life for yourself. Rather than focusing on the feelings, trying to analyze and understand his decision, and searching for validation that he really did love you (that may bring some comfort to your wounded heart and bruised ego but it changes nothing)… look forward and build a life that will bring you joy. When you do that - none of this will really matter anymore…

[MsJayne]

As you say, lesson learnt, heart broken. You will survive, six months from now you'll be OK, and in the future you'll meet someone who makes MM pale into insignificance. 

[JTSW]

It's obvious to me that you were expecting allot more.

You were expecting him to leave his wife and be with you.

But that was always going to be wishwell thinking.

Affairs with MM never end well. 

You should have known this was inevitable.

[Nicki007]

30 minutes ago, JTSW said:

It's obvious to me that you were expecting allot more.

You were expecting him to leave his wife and be with you.

But that was always going to be wishwell thinking.

Affairs with MM never end well. 

You should have known this was inevitable.

No I NEVER thought he was going to leave his wife! Never even asked him to! 

[JTSW]

6 minutes ago, Nicki007 said:

No I NEVER thought he was going to leave his wife! Never even asked him to! 

But you must have known that you were heading for heartache, that this wasn't forever.

[Nicki007]

5 hours ago, JTSW said:

But you must have known that you were heading for heartache, that this wasn't forever.

Of course I knew it wasn’t sustainable. I tried several times walking away from my emotional dependency with this person, of course he did not want to end it each time I did, but it’s easier said than done.

Bottom line, this was the end result. I blame myself more than anyone on this board could possibly blame me. I’m sorry for the pain I am certain I caused his wife & family. I reaped what I sowed & I’m wearing that scarlet letter if it makes anyone feel like I got what I deserved, BUT I am a human being with all the emotions that comes with being human, so yes it hurts regardless. 

[JTSW]

2 hours ago, Nicki007 said:

Of course I knew it wasn’t sustainable. I tried several times walking away from my emotional dependency with this person, of course he did not want to end it each time I did, but it’s easier said than done.

Bottom line, this was the end result. I blame myself more than anyone on this board could possibly blame me. I’m sorry for the pain I am certain I caused his wife & family. I reaped what I sowed & I’m wearing that scarlet letter if it makes anyone feel like I got what I deserved, BUT I am a human being with all the emotions that comes with being human, so yes it hurts regardless. 

No-one is blaming you hun.

I'm sorry if I made it sound that way.

He took advantage of you and used you.

It's not your fault at all. 

[mark clemson]

Hmm. Does your community know about this? The scarlet letter was a public humiliation punishment and fortunately has been relegated to history in most Western societies along with the scold's bridle and shrew fiddle.

While certainly whatever damage you've done was real, there's actually a wide range of reactions to cheating from BS's - there are those who can get past it fairly readily although, since they're not overly traumatized, you probably won't hear them venting e.g. in online forums. My point being that, since you don't know how bad it actually was over on his side, there's really no need to beat yourself up overmuch over it. He MAY mostly just have a pissed off wife who watches him a lot more closely now, who's to say. Just move on...