GF of 3 years blacked out and was later told after she kissed another guy.

[joprano1]

Thanks in advance to everyone who takes the time to read this and apologies for it being longwinded but I need to vent.

 

So my girlfriend of almost 4 years and I have been going through a rough patch after a terrible mistake she made a few months ago. For some context she's literally one of the most wholesome girls i've ever known and I know she loves me alot. She goes out of her way to embrace my family, she's stuck by me through so many personal tragedies and truly loves me out loud by letting any and everyone know we're together and talks about me constantly. In all of our years together i've never once suspected her of ever possibly being capable of cheating on me at any capacity. I'm a part of a decent sized friend group and she only ever really goes out drinking with everyone if i'm around. She's a super friendly and trusting girl. We're both from the Washington DC area, but i've been living in New York for the past two years although I visit home frequently.

Some more context: Our friend group is made up of my 4 core guy friends and 2 of them have girlfriends who are apart of it by association. Then there's this other guy who was a past roommate of one of my core friends and he's been around for a few years but I was never that close to him. We'll call him "stan". Stan is the kind of guy who always would try to hype me up and give me compliments when he'd see me and my gf together. In the early stages of me moving to NY my girlfriend and I were going through a rough patch. One day years ago when my friend and stan were still living together I went over to their place and made a throwaway joke about how it's hard to keep a relationship going long distance in NY because of the mentality of being split and feeling like you're living in 2 different worlds so it's hard to be present minded in the day to day from states away. He then let that line out of context slip to my girlfriend on a night out which caused her to freak out and burst out crying to which he had his hand on her knee telling her "you deserve better than that" repeatedly even though he knew that's not the context I said it in. When I confronted him about it, he immediately started to make excuses about how it wasn't what it looked like. Although I was furious I chose to ignore him and focus on building things back up with my gf. Next my gfs grandfather had passed away a few months after that but being in NY I couldn't physically be there to console her in the moment although I did call and text her. so stan, and 2 of our female friends visited her and brought her a cake to make her feel better, thus cementing them as a new sub friend group outside of my core one.

Now fast forward to present day. A few months ago my gf had just stayed with me in NY for a whole week and we had the most romantic time. She went back home and we talked everyday. That next weekend the gf of one of my core friends was having a birthday celebration and invited my gf to go. Since I was out of town I told her she should go because I trusted that all of my friends would be there and nothing could possibly go wrong. We talked earlier that day and everything was great between us. Plus they weren't going to a sexually charged place like a club, but to mini golf and then ending the night at a casino.As the night goes on I notice in a pic that stan ended up going too, and although I didn't like him and felt like he'd been shady in the past my gf had never remotely entertained anything with him. I go to sleep and talk to her the next day and she's super hung over but joking around about how she doesn't remember anything from the night and that at one point people said she was crying out for me because she'd thrown up all over her self. She mentioned that the next time I come home we should hang out with my core friend and his gf since I couldn't make it to the birthday. We go on talking like normal and everything is fine.

Then, the next day she calls me teary eyed and says she has something to tell me. That she woke up that day thinking everything had been fine but now my core friends gf texted her asking her if she remembered anything from the night before to which she said no. She then went on to let my gf know that after a certain point in the night she was being very handsy with stan and the two of them would be joined at the hip for  pretty much the rest of the night. None of my friends thought anything of it because they were just shocked and felt as if the behavior was so strange and unlike anything they'd expect. Plus admittedly my gf had the bad habit of being handsy with people in a harmless way (including with female friends and one of my friends whose gay). At one point my core friend had thrown up and the whole group went to check on him but my gf was also super out of it so her and stan hung back. Several people said they saw my gf and stan face to face for a long time and it "looked like how 2 people would be if they were kissing". stan is considerably taller than her and he'd have to bend down to do that and though he wasn't sober he wasn't as drunk as she was and swore to me that he remembered everything from that night and that there's no way that happened. My gf even texted him on the side immediately after she had heard what she'd done and asked him if anything had happened because she wanted to tell me right away. He told her the same thing despite pretty much everyone else there saying the opposite. 

My friends gf who told my gf what she'd done called me on the side and said that when she looked at my gf the next day she could tell by her eyes that there was no way she remembered any of that. I'm torn because I love my girlfriend alot and from the moment she found out she immediately told me. She read me every message she'd ever had with stan and they were never anything more random things like birthday wishes. She cut off all contact and blocked him on all platforms. She's seemed very broken up about this whole thing and genuinely seems embarrassed and remorseful. I know how much a future between us means to her and don't think she'd ever risk it in her right mind. Normally i'd never consider forgiving her for even her being handsy with him and I know the default belief in forums like this is to break up and burn the whole thing down. But when I look at the situation I don't see conscious intent or malice on her end. I think she only got that drunk because she was around people who she thought she could trust (my friend group & stan). He wasn't supposed to be there so I don't think she consciously went to that event expecting to do that. and she doesn't remember any of it and threw up all over herself. She's never shown any interest in him, yet he's shown clear intentions to break up my relationship in the past and bad mouth me to her. I definitely blame her for putting herself in that situation, but I empathize with waking up and being told you did something you'd never do that could put your whole life and future in jeapordy. She tells me it meant nothing on her end and that she doesn't and has never been attracted to him or seen him as anything more than a friend and I want to be inclined to believe her. The pain hurts badly and i'm embarrassed that it was with someone who I know infront of all of my friends, but even that makes it seem all the more nonsensical. I want us to be able to put the past behind us and move forward, but i'm just feeling stuck and wanted to gain some perspective. [PLEASE no mindless bashing and automatic "cheaters should be thrown away" comments. I appreciate the sentiment but idk if this situation calls for that]. Thank you again.

[basil67]

She was honest with you, took responsibility for her actions, expressed her regret and has blocked Stan.  If I were you, I'd forgive her.  

I think the biggest issue here - and probably a main contributor to the problem - is your physical distance from each other.  I can't see how being apart for a couple of years or more, with only visits in between is sustainable. How much longer will you be away for? 

I'm firmly in the belief that if a couple really wants to make it work, they have to prioritise the relationship over other things. 

[Wiseman2]

37 minutes ago, joprano1 said:

  i've been living in New York for the past two years although I visit home frequently. she doesn't remember anything from the night and that at one point people said she was crying out for me because she'd thrown up all over her self. 

Agree the distance is the biggest issue. She doesn't seem interested in your friend, but she does seem to have problems controlling her drinking. So rather than get upset about hearsay and the friend group, address the more pressing issues of distance and problem drinking.

[joprano1]

Thank you for the quick replies. As for the drinking, she literally rarely even goes out if i'm not in town and if she does it's for a drink or two at a restaurant with her cousin or other female friend. Only when i'm around does she ever go a little harder and even then she's typically coherent. She mentioned part of why she drank more than she typically would are because my friends encouraged her to since it was a birthday and also my girlfriend was graduating grad school in a few weeks. They all egged her on and then once she was out of it they all dispersed, leaving room for stan to be around her. Yes she should've still controlled her own behavior but I really feel like it was a combination of all the wrong circumstances.

With the distance, it's a topic that has existed in our relationship for a very long time and when we first got together she knew I was moving to NY, as that was the plan before we had even met. When I first got to the city she kept asking me how long I'd be there and at the time I just didn't have an answer for her because it was all so new. I'm in marketing and most of the jobs are in NY and I got a job with a really good company that would make me a stand-out candidate wherever i'd choose to work after (which would help land a spot the few DC based firms). I knew that the uncertainty was weighing on both of us early on but I made sure to visit about twice a month so that the transition would be as easy as possible. My therapist has mentioned that she feels like this whole situation is a sign of the deeper issue of the distance as well so hearing you all say this is definitely ringing in head. I love this girl and although she hurt me, I know there was no malice in her heart and she's held me down and been extremely loyal in this process prior to this. All of the room for outside voices and friends have interfered with us and much of our problems stem from that so now I want to really sit down and think about what our next steps would be to close our gap and figure out our future

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, joprano1 said:

All of the room for outside voices and friends have interfered with us

What are they saying? 

[Alpacalia]

That's tough. 

It doesn't seem like there was any overt cheating in the form of physical intimacy or exchanging of contact information but there was a degree of physical closeness that could be construed as inappropriate, especially considering how drunk she was and how trusting she was of him. 

She does not remember anything that happened, which means that she may have done something that could be classified as cheating or she may not have. It is concerning that the majority of people seem to have not only witnessed her and Stan being handsy with each other, but that there are reports that it "looked like how 2 people would be if they were kissing". Several people asserted that they saw them engaged in activities that would constitute cheating, but Stan swore that nothing happened, which adds to the confusion regarding what actually happened.

I think Stan may have had motives of his own in getting physically close to her. Sure, you could argue that his actions were out of genuine concern for her safety, but I find it hard to believe that he didn't take advantage of the situation. He should have kept his distance or asked someone else to look after her.

It seems unlikely that she had any malicious intent, and she did the right thing by immediately coming forward and telling you.

While it doesn't strike me as cheating in the traditional sense, it is concerning that she was vulnerable and trusting of Stan, given his previous track record. I think you should take the time and energy to understand the motivations behind all of these people's actions and have a serious conversation with your girlfriend to understand what happened and how she can prevent it from happening in the future. It is important for her to take accountability for her part in the situation and move forward with a renewed and stronger understanding of boundaries.

The thing about getting black out drunk is that there is usually something that motivates  it, especially if it’s an unexpected event, like this one. If there is no doubt that she loves you and is fully committed to you, then it could be worth exploring some deeper issues within the relationship and her own mental state in order to figure out why it happened and to make sure it doesn’t happen again.

[Wiseman2]

22 minutes ago, joprano1 said:

  My therapist has mentioned that she feels like this whole situation is a sign of the deeper issue of the distance. I want to really sit down and think about what our next steps would be to close our gap and figure out our future

Please listen to your therapist. How old is your GF? Can she move to NY or can you move to DC? It's unclear why you have been apart this long. Please who black out, throw up on themselves and need people to babysit them when they drink have problems controlling their drinking. 

[joprano1]

We're both in our mid twenties. She wants to work in education and where we're from has very good school systems where she has access to many jobs. She also hates NY and would only move there to make it work with me and I didn't want to pull her away from her family and towards a city she hated. I work in marketing and most of the good jobs are in NY. There are a few decent marketing firms near where we're from but if I had tried to get a job there without much experience my chances would be slim so  my plan was to work in NY for a few years and increase my chances of getting a job no matter where I lived. Also, remote work could be an option once/if I choose to move back home.

She's been very open since she found out about what she had done and wasn't defensive. She encouraged me to meet with my friends after that weekend to get their perspectives from the night and to fill in any blanks. I then picked her up and brought her there so she could also hear their sides as she didn't remember but was willing to take accountability for whatever they told her happened. All signs to me of someone whose transparent and has nothing to hide. She's apologetic and sees where she was wrong in getting that drunk in the first place as it's not a normal thing for her. She also sees how she was way too trusting of Stan and should've been more aware of keeping distance from someone who I told her was sabotaging our relationship by quoting me out of context, not correcting what he said and essentially implying for her to leave me. She never had a 1 on 1 relationship with him prior to that anyway, but should've steered clear fully and I think this whole situation was a major wake up call for her.  Also, his lying to not only her, but me and the rest of the friend group all pointed to someone who has ill intentions. He claimed to recollect the night and operated in "a caretaker" capacity so there's no reason why he couldn't have been honest with any of us. Though the situation as a whole has been confusing, embarrassing, and hurtful, I still think that our relationship is worth working for as long as we hit on the core issues. She's agreed to couples counseling as well and we've started sessions.

[Wiseman2]

18 minutes ago, joprano1 said:

. He claimed to recollect the night and operated in "a caretaker" capacity so there's no reason why he couldn't have been honest with any of us. 

You need to address the distance and the drinking. That's what is stressing the relationship, not stan.

https://www.niaaa.nih.gov/publications/brochures-and-fact-sheets/binge-drinking

[ExpatInItaly]

So, there is no actual plan in place to close the distance?

Just vague future plans? That is not going to work. I can promise you the problems you two have willl continue to grow and come into sharper focus if you go on living in different cities. 

And I asked before, but how have "outside voices" and friends interfered with you? I thought your friends supported the notion that your girlfriend was being honest that she doesn't remember anything. 

Edited July 17, 2023 by ExpatInItaly

[Alpacalia]

51 minutes ago, joprano1 said:

She also hates NY and would only move there to make it work with me and I didn't want to pull her away from her family and towards a city she hated.

If you've been apart for four years that is a long time.

Sure, you can continue with the status quo but I think you'd be better off looking into remote working opportunities, where she can stay at home and still switch to a job she enjoys. Another option could be that she could continue to pursue her passion for education in her current area, while you commute home every weekend/month to spend time together. Ultimately, you two will have to find a solution that you both feel comfortable with and makes sense for your relationship to grow but the distance can't go indefinitely and it doesn't sound like she would be happy in NY aside from you.

It tends to follow that you have to first love the place that you choose to live in just as much as you love the person who is living there. So you must look for an area for both of you that you can both call home and has the kinds of jobs and activities that you both would both enjoy doing.

Remote work may be one of the best ways to bridge the gap between working in NY and living at home for the time being. There are many companies from around the world that offer both full-time and part-time remote work, so researching those could be a great way to keep growing your professional experience and remain in the job market while living in your hometown.

2 hours ago, joprano1 said:

They all egged her on and then once she was out of it they all dispersed, leaving room for stan to be around her.

With the black-out...

Once is an occurrence. Twice is a coincidence. Three times is a pattern.

Is this a one time occurrence or have there been other instances as well? Of course we could say that it's the distance that is driving your girlfriend to drink, and perhaps it is, but between the distance and her job stress and her grandfather dying, and especially if there have been other episodes, then it's likely an issue your girlfriend may be facing on her own and needs to be addressed. So, it's good she's started therapy.

Second, take a close look at these so-called "friends" that you have been talking about. Is this a pattern for them, or your girlfriend? Is it something they do frequently? Was it deliberate? "Hey, let's go out and get drunk with (insert name here) this weekend! Whenever she's plastered, she's hilarious!" If that is the case, then she needs to make some new friends. If not, then everyone needs to reevaluate what it means to have a "good time" and what they mean by it.

It may turn out that you need a new girlfriend in the end. Only you can decide. Or, she may decide for you.

Going at it alone isn't fair to her or to you. Distance or not, you need to be there for her. Good luck.

[basil67]

If you can't get the work you want where she is and she doesn't like where you live, this really isn't going to be sustainable.   I hope this gets addressed in the couple's counselling you're doing. 

[joprano1]

Hey everyone, just to clear a few things up:

1. Distance: We've been together for almost 4 years, but i've only been here for almost 2. Since this has happened we've agreed that I will move back home next year in 2024. I never hated where i'm from, there just weren't many job prospects there. I moved to NY shortly after graduating grad school and landing an internship with an industry famous company. NY was never the plan forever, I just needed to get job experience and once I felt like I learned everything I needed to and got an impressive enough resume i'd return so yes now we're taking those steps. Leading up to the months when my next lease ends I'll begin the job searching process. Also NY to back home is only a few hours driving so getting all my things back wouldn't be too challenging. In the meantime she's going to get a place that aligns with when my current lease ends, so that I can visit more frequently (as I had to get hotels for us everytime i'd visit before) then when i'm moving back we can apartment shop for a place together. My lease ends in November of this year, so i'm doing one last year of the back and forth to round out 3 years at my job and then we're moving in together in 2024. I hope that makes things clear. 

2. Friends: yes, my friends agreed with my gf that although her actions were wrong, they believe wholeheartedly that she didn't remember anything and that she wasn't being her usual self. They also agree that stan may have taken advantage of the situation by using my absensce and their time alone to make a move. They've all seperately told me that although this situation isn't ideal, they still believe that she loves me and is a good gf that made a dumb mistake. Ultimately Stan was the more sober one and he knows that her and I are together. Plus if she were really more to blame I feel like he would've just said that she initiated all of it. His lying and shadiness make me think he's ashamed of making a move on a girl who wasn't all the way there mentally and is in a relationship. As for the rest of my group, I think they mean well and they support our relationship but drama stems from just being around everyone and them manipulating things (like Stan taking a line that he knew was out of context and quoting it, then seeing it led to a bad reaction and not clarifying). Also from them being there and noticing things were coming off the rails but not doing anything to stop things from getting too far. I know we're all adults and it's no ones job to take care of anyone but I feel like I would've stepped in if my female friend, or buddy's gf was looking out of it and a guy he doesn't like is leering around. Also I feel like me and my gf are better off by taking the time before we move in together to rehabilitate our relationship and build up our communication skills and heal. We're just setting more clear boundaries with them and keeping our distance.

3. Work, Yes i'm the one with the more flexible work options so I'm willing to move back and figure out a good job to land. Though I won't fully know the extent of my options until i'm there I generally know there's 3 solid options. Commuting about an hour and half to a city nearby that has a few good firms, Commuting 20-30 mins at one of the few DC based firms and hope that a position is open, or work fully remotely. I'm not that worried about that since I have all those options and my resume will make me a standout candidate when its all said and done.

4. Drinking/blackout: Yes, i'd say that this level of drinking, which led to blacking out was a one time thing. Nothing serious or underlying was going on in her life at that present moment, it was just at my friends gf's birthday celebration, plus they knew she was graduating so they urged her to drink more than she typically would. Like a "oh you're graduating? Congrats! now it's 2 things to celebrate!" kind of thing. My friend group tends to get carried away when they drink and go out and now i'm realizing that isn't really the type of life that I want anymore. y core 4 are friends from childhood/college and we've grown up together, but I think i'm ready to mature past all of that and as long as they're still doing that type of thing, I'll keep my interactions limited. I think she got carried away and maybe thought since they were going to urge her to drink that much, that someone trusted would be there to take care of her, but that's where she messed up and she's aware of it now. 

[mark clemson]

It sounds to me like she got way too drunk and "did something stupid" and impulsive, and now regrets it. So, if it were me, I believe I'd let it slide.

Now, if she starts to make a habit out of getting this drunk on a semi-regular basis, I'd say that, though you may love her, she's a partner with real problems (a strong tendency toward binge drinking) that are beyond your ability to fix. If that's the case, I'd suggest you recognize that and move on, unless you really want to spend your life in "caretaker mode" for such a person.

It's quite possible to "be in love with" a person who's very wrong for you and likely to cause serious problems. Indeed, it happens all the time. An ability to recognize this and react according can be quite helpful in life generally.

Edited July 17, 2023 by mark clemson

[ShyViolet]

Getting blackout drunk and throwing up all over herself is gross behavior.  If she wants to make amends she needs to seriously change her behavior and never drink anywhere near that much again, maybe set a limit of one or two drinks.  There's no excuse for that.  

[Alpacalia]

Okay well all you can do is put this incident behind you. I am sure it hurt but for the sake of both your relationship and friendship, it is best to move on. She acknowledges the part she played and is trying to make amends, so this is a sign that she is ready to focus on making it work. She made the mistake of drinking too much but thankfully nothing serious happened.

[joprano1]

I really appreciate all of your perspectives. It takes a lot to be vulnerable like this and share something that has been troubling me for a while.

She really is and has been a solid partner before this happened, but something like this is a major gutcheck as it can either be as small as a harmless mistake  and minor blip on a longer life path or a catastrophic blow to our foundation. That uncertainty was the toughest to grapple with at the start. After really assessing the situation and looking at it fully I decided to give our relationship another chance. Not however, by going back to business as usual, but with a sharper establishing of boundaries and gameplan for avoiding situations like this ever again. Also, we've established clear milestones for our future that I think make us both relieved. 

[Alpacalia]

I'm sorry you've been dealing with this for so long. I can tell this is really hard for you.

I think it's important to note as well, that communication has been really crucial in getting you to this point a game plan to prevent it from happening again.

In fact, it's been the bedrock for the process of understanding why this happened in the first place and how to prevent it.

Even if the moments of wider conversations were tough and awkward, I'm glad that you both kept a steady flow of dialogue and that ultimately allowed you to untangle the knot. Right now, I'm glad you're feeling good about it and I'm sure that it will take time to rebuild the trust, but I think that you've made positive steps forward and I'm confident that if you both continue to keep communication flowing and keep up with the plan that you made together, you can nurture your relationship back to where it was and even better.

I'm sure it'll take time and hard work, but in the end it will be worth it. Good luck, and I hope things go well for you both.

[Wiseman2]

12 hours ago, joprano1 said:

 then when i'm moving back we can apartment shop for a place together.  

It would be a good idea to get your own place for a while if/when you move back. . The distance both geography and emotionally has had some impact.

You can visit for a few days and it seems to be like old times, but you've both changed and evolved, perhaps not in the same manner.

Unfortunately you seem a bit too focused on your friend and possible cheating including needing a jury.

However as and adult young woman, she needs to monitor her own drinking, not have babysitters for when she gets blackout drunk. You've got a lot invested, but also a lot to think about.

[joprano1]

I think much of the "focusing on the  possible cheating including needing a jury" comes from the freshness of the situation. When something like that happens it immediately takes your brain to assessment mode and wondering if there's something there. Which is why many people just throw their whole relationship away in situations like this. The harder thing, which Is the thing i've done, is to take the time to really look at things and once you believe that there isn't anything on her end, it's getting to the route causes. You've been helpful in that but I just want to give myself a little grace. I think it's fair to have those worries 

[smackie9]

IMO you should forgive her. She was supposed to be in a safe place with trusted friends. Your friends failed her. They didn't lift a finger to look out for her or step in knowing she was plastered. They are a bunch of jerks and so is this Stan guy. He's been waiting for this opportunity to take advantage of her and it's been pretty damn obvious. At least your GF took accountability, that takes a lot of guts to step up to that...as for your friends, I would consider having a conversation with them about how they did nothing and give them $%^& for not keeping an eye on slimy Stan . Obviously she is being treated as an outsider. So unfair. She made a mistake, give her a break. 

[basil67]

There's been a lot spoken about your girlfriend's consumption of alcohol, but I can't help but wonder if your girlfriend was being fed drinks by her friends.  My most unfortunate evenings have more often come from being unaware that people were topping up my drinks (eg talking to someone on my left while the person on my right tops up my unattended drink)  Or bringing them to me without me having to be proactive about getting a new one.   The same has happened to my husband.   

As it so happens, I'm a guzzler, so one of my strategies is to wait for the others to need a top up before I do mine.  But I was at a fancy restaurant recently and realised that because I was drinking fairly quickly, the waiter was topping up my wine faster than everyone else's, so I had no idea how much I'd drunk.  I had to tell him to stop and asked for more water.   

Taking the initiative to refill my own drinks is the safest way.  But I've only come to this conclusion after trial and error.  Sometimes the people who accidentally end up really drunk are the ones who are still learning what works best for them. 

 

[joprano1]

Exactly, from what I've heard they were urging her to drink more because she was graduating and they wanted her to celebrate and have a good time and she didn't pace her self and got carried away. I don't think it was intentional on their end to get her to do something she'd regret, but that was the outcome.

What annoyed me was that, in my absence there's a level of trust I expected to have with them that they could go out with her and that nothing would happen. There's been some strife in our group because certain people at the time were claiming that Stan's behavior was "disgusting" but now are embracing him and just recently celebrated a birthday with him. I understand that my girlfriend is to blame for her actions for getting to a point where she behaved like that, but to me there's no redemption for Stan. He claims to remember everything, he knew that my girlfriend has been dating me, and has never showed him any remote interest besides this night of heavy drinking. To me even if she were getting "handsy", if he were truly a friend to either her or I there's no way he should've even ended up remotely close to being in the situation that occurred. That's an ultimate violation and the fact that certain people are upset with the divide it's caused and my reaction to the situation of never wanting to be around him, is really annoying to me. 

[Bue-aidez]

The love you guys have between the two of you seems really genuine. If you truly love her and she does love you too, then it's worth fighting for. 

Just a quick question though. Does she always not remember stuff when she gets drunk? People do get drunk differently and act differently, but for something like that to have happened, there could be some broken link between you guys that needs to be worked on. 

Also, this Stan guy is fishy and I think even you too should distance yourself from him. 

[Alpacalia]

It is your girlfriend's priority to take responsibility and accountability for her actions and it seems like you are holding Stan to the same standard. Unfortunately people do not always act in the way you would like them to. You need to separate your girlfriend's friends' attempts to get her to drink from Stan's exploiting the situation.

I get your frustration but your girlfriend needs to learn how to keep herself safe. Regardless of whether it was intentional on your friends part, they do need to take more responsibility for the situation. It is not realistic to expect your friends to keep an eye on her to ensure she does not drink too much and make questionable decisions. But they could use better judgement when being in the presence of Stan and your girlfriend and act as responsible bystanders.

It seems that since Stan claims to remember the night, yet can’t take ownership of what occurred, does seem to demonstrate that he is not trustworthy.

All in all, it sounds like a bunch of youngsters drinking and having a good time and your girlfriend got caught up in the situation. She is an adult and capable of making her own decisions.

Friends need to look out for one another and prevent matters from escalating into something dangerous which was sadly not done in this case.