Just wondering

[MsEdu]

There is something I don't get here, or maybe I'm missing something. I was having an affair with a MM (I am also married) for about 9 months. His wife found out, and now he doesn't want to speak to me. He is not living home anymore either.

Is this the norm?? So if the affair is found out - we get thrown aside so easily??

Makes you think about starting it in the first place if it always ends like this.

[Sami_D]

Hello there. I've just replied to a thread on here which poses similar questions and might help you:

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t74725/

[TMCM]

There is something I don't get here, or maybe I'm missing something. I was having an affair with a MM (I am also married) for about 9 months. His wife found out, and now he doesn't want to speak to me. He is not living home anymore either.

Is this the norm?? So if the affair is found out - we get thrown aside so easily??

Makes you think about starting it in the first place if it always ends like this.

 

Yes it is. Most MM that have an affair seldom do it for the same reasons that a MW does. Unlike most MW that have affairs, most MM do not want to end their marriages and when their W find out, they dump the MW like a hot potato [as you have seen for yourself]. Women in your situation are you so emotionally starved that the few crumbs of attention, affection and admiration that MM throws at them is enough to make them beleive everything they are told about their married life. You give your bodies to these men beleiving that they truly love you but never realizing that they are just using you. Indeed a bitter lesson but one that hopefully will wake you and other MW up to either try to fix your marriages or end them.

 

TMCM

[Ladyjane14]

Yes it is. Most MM that have an affair seldom do it for the same reasons that a MW does.

 

Agreed. This goes back to ENs (Emotional Needs), which tend to be subtly different for men than for women.

 

While you were feeding MM's EN for sexual excitement, his wife was stilll providing him with other ENs. His source has dried up with the onset of his wife's departure, and YOU cannot replace her.

 

For one thing, you have a family committment of your own which precludes you from stepping into his wife's vacant position. For another, you have behaved in a way that he may perceive as less than honest. Even though he was complicit in the infidelity perpetrated upon your husband, he may still look for a woman of greater integrity. It is patently unfair to have one's integrity weighed and measured by a co-conspirator, and yet it remains an EN for many men.....the ability to trust a woman to keep herself chaste and available only for her husband in a sexual capacity.

 

All that sounds cold-blooded, I know. It's not generally a conscious thought-process though. Most of the time, people who are starved of their truest ENs within their primary relationship don't really understand what's missing. All they know is that they're unhappy, and they aren't getting enough sex, or attention, or whatever. They seldom make the connection of how they are being emotionally disaffected, and are thus unable to successfully negotiate with their partner.

 

Another point.....Affairs, generally speaking, have a shelf-life. This is a matter of Infatuation, which eventually wears off. While it's true that infatuation can grow into real love, this is NOT a given. Sometimes, once the excitement has run it's course, one or both partners will lose interest.

 

Infatuation will usually run it's course in about two years. It can go on for ALOT longer if the affair maintains the excitement of secrecy. It loses it's luster fairly quickly once it loses it's illicit quality. It's not exciting anymore after that, particularly in light of the grief caused by losing ALL the other ENS that the spouse was still providing.....all at once. There is a sudden vacuum created.

 

This can sometimes result in the MM/MW blaming the affair partner for their loss. They might not admit that they harbor any resentment against the previous affair partner.....but that won't keep them from associating that person with an emotionally painful experience.

 

Finally, while there is no pat answer that fits every case scenario, there also exists the possibility that the affair was an Exit Strategy. Sometimes a MM or MW just can't get the gumption up all by themselves to leave a bad marriage. However, if they can get their spouse to make the decision for them.....the heat is off. They haven't been forced to make a life-altering decision. Someone else made it for them.

 

After a successful exit strategy, the MM doesn't need his affair partner anymore. He's arrived at his goal and is living the single lifestyle again, free to look for a more perfect mate.

 

Again, that sounds cold-blooded. It really isn't as well planned as all that. It's more a matter of sub-conscious desires combined with the inability to commit to decisive action.

[newbby]

i have to agree with lady jane here. everything she said about the way men think is spot on. it is unfair, but theres nothing you can do but learn your lesson.

[TMCM]

i have to agree with lady jane here. everything she said about the way men think is spot on. it is unfair, but theres nothing you can do but learn your lesson.

 

Are you saying that it would be 'fair' if both the MM and the MW were having the affair for the same reason?

 

TMCM

[newbby]

no, i am saying it is unfair that men disrespect women who sleep with them, either too early or not in the context of a committed relationship, when they do the same thing themselves. i am not saying it is unfair of the men, obviously they cannot help it if they cannot fall in love that way, i am just saying it is unfair that the woman then feels cheap and used and disrespected for the same behaviour as the man displayed. it is the difference between men and women, thats all.

[Ladyjane14]

I would agree that there is still a sexual double-standard, even now in the 21st century.

 

I would imagine that alot of it has to do with basic biology. We're human animals, capable of advanced thought and philosophical enlightenment. But still animals nonetheless, and hence subject to our instincts.

 

A man will seek to spread his DNA as far into the gene pool as he can. It is only Choice which prevents him. It is the development of his own philosophy, and his own willingness to live within it's parameters. A man, who loves his wife and loves his children, makes a choice to reject the animal drive that would endanger his family dynamic.

 

A man's philosophy might have it's roots in religion, or in the dictates of the societal norm, possibly even a uxorious attachment to his wife, but in the end....it's his own CHOICE that keeps him from acting on male animal instinct. Even men who have selected the option of NEVER becoming fathers will still experience the drive to physically procreate.

 

A woman always knows when a child is hers. She doesn't have to guess. That child came from her own body, and usually in an extremely visceral manner. The only women who are ever surprised by maternity are soap opera divas!

 

In order to ensure his paternity, a man has to protect his mate from other rivals. This is the truth of nature. But once assured, a male animal's interest often wanes. Witness the many threads we've read about young men who leave their wives while their child is still in infancy. Sometimes, they leave before the 'bun' is even out of the oven.

 

I've often attributed that to a young man's fear of responsibility. But I wonder now if there could be something a bit more fundemental at work as well.

 

Anyway, female infidelity threatens a man at a most elemental level. How can he ascertain that any offspring presented to him will be his own? All he has to hold onto is trust. He must have faith in his woman's integrity and her sense of honor. Even a man who is not actively seeking procreation may still seek his mate based on the criteria of instinct.

 

We may not be beasts of the field, but we're still subject to the rhythms of nature. While some will overcome the basic demands of biology, making choices which feed their personal philosophy, others will continue to answer the call of instinct....never even pondering on the question of why.

[newbby]

one thing feminism can't do is change biological instincts.

[Bryanp]

Speaking of fairness I am wondering how you would feel if your husband continued to have a 9 month sexual affair behind your back breaking your wedding vows and putting your health at risk for STD's? I guess that would be fair don't you think?

[pinkrosette]

exit strategy[/i], the MM doesn't need his affair partner anymore. He's arrived at his goal and is living the single lifestyle again, free to look for a more perfect mate.

 

 

 

 

Why wouldn't his affair partner be a perfect mate?

 

 

I do agree that they might use the affair as an exit strategy. Mine thought his wife would ask for a divorce after finding out. He was surprised she didn't (at least not yet). I think he might have (on some level) wanted her to.

[pinkrosette]

Anyway, female infidelity threatens a man at a most elemental level. How can he ascertain that any offspring presented to him will be his own? All he has to hold onto is trust. He must have faith in his woman's integrity and her sense of honor. Even a man who is not actively seeking procreation may still seek his mate based on the criteria of instinct.

 

 

 

Are you saying that infidelity is worse to a man???

[harleygirl92156]

Maybe you got what you deserved!!??

 

If you want to live like a single person, get a divorce before you have a relationship with someone else and don't have relationships with married men if you don't want to get dumped when the relationship is discovered.

 

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU ARE EVEN ON HERE LOOKING FOR SYMPATHY!!

[Ladyjane14]

Why wouldn't his affair partner be a perfect mate?

 

A better question is 'Why would she?'. In a competition between only two women, the OW's odds might be pretty good initially. Afterall, she's only competing against one fat-ass wife that MM is ALREADY mad at.

 

But, when MM becomes free of the marital entanglement, his options become unlimited, what then? How will OW stack up against all the other women that are suddenly available to him? What happens when the infatuation fades, and OW's flaws are revealed?

[Ladyjane14]

Are you saying that infidelity is worse to a man???

 

I'm saying that you can't measure a man in female terms. His emotional response will be different, not necessarily better or worse.

 

A man who experiences female infidelity in his relationship suffers the loss at an elemental level. You don't have to read far in this forum to see the long-lasting effects in men who have forgiven an unfaithful wife, as well as in those who have rejected her.

[elijahBailey]

A man who experiences female infidelity in his relationship suffers the loss at an elemental level. You don't have to read far in this forum to see the long-lasting effects in men who have forgiven an unfaithful wife, as well as in those who have rejected her.

 

This is really insightful and I think there's a lot of truth in what you said, Ladyjane.

[Sami_D]

A man who experiences female infidelity in his relationship suffers the loss at an elemental level. You don't have to read far in this forum to see the long-lasting effects in men who have forgiven an unfaithful wife, as well as in those who have rejected her.

 

Do you think that in the case where the OW was herself married (and therefore cheating on her own H with the MM), the MM would be less likely to want to continue a relationship with her than if she was a SW and not herself cheating?

 

That seems to make sense to me.

 

On the other hand, I personally know two men who are OM to MW. Neither of them seem to think anything at all of the way these MW are unfaithful to their H. So perhaps this thing about men viewing sexual infidelity very differently to how women view it isn't a universal.

[Ladyjane14]

So perhaps this thing about men viewing sexual infidelity very differently to how women view it isn't a universal.

 

I don't think that there's any one view that is "universal", Sami. But you know, I can't count how many times I've read that a WS "just wasn't thinking at all about the betrayed spouse". I think it stands to reason that the two guys you spoke of are probably in the infatuation stage of their affairs.

 

In broader generalities though, it's just logical to assume that these feelings don't last for others any more than they've lasted for the rest of us. I don't think people give enough credit to just how strong infatuation can be. We've all experienced it....and most of us have called it love. But it's not.

 

Infatuation can grow into mature love, and most often true love is planted from that seed. But it's just NOT a given.

[Trimmer]

LadyJane - I find resonance in all your points, as usual, but more importantly, if you were to do nothing else this month - this year - you will still have earned my undying devotion for coming up with the word "uxorious."

 

So if the affair is found out - we get thrown aside so easily?? Makes you think about starting it in the first place if it always ends like this.

 

[sarcastic] Actually, the fact that he's married is supposed to make you think about starting it in the first place... Getting treated shabbily at the end is just the cherry on top. [/sarcastic]

[Ladyjane14]

......for coming up with the word "uxorious."

 

:laugh: :laugh: Roget's Thesaurus Baby!!!