Reconciliation?

[Antonioni]

So, what’s the safe amount of time that must pass before one attempts to contact an ex?

It’s been 1.5 months since the breakup, it was mutual, and it ended rancorously.

When I left, I was convinced I wanted nothing to do with her ever again, and she felt identically about me.  
 

However…

I see things differently now, and I’ll explain.

We found ourselves in a very, very bad spot in life for 1.5-2 years, and our misfortunes were both collective, and individual.  It felt like we were drowning, and the pressure was unrelenting.

Due to our circumstances, it’s obvious to me now that  we both checked-out mentally, as the stress overcame our ability to cope.  There was quite a bit of spillover, and the flashpoint for arguments was low, but none of our arguments were legitimately due to grievances we had with each other. 
 

Most of my problems ended with the relationship, hence my ability to assess our relationship issues clearly, but she’s still knee-deep in problems.

How much time should I give her before I contact her again? should I wait for her to contact me?

Yes, I honestly believe that she will form an identical assessment now that I am no longer present, just not as quickly as me.

[stillafool]

1.5 months is not really long enough in MHO to decide that everything is okay and worked out especially when the relationship was full of bitterness and anger.  About what?  What makes you so sure that she wants to get back together and that you both have worked out your issues?

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, Antonioni said:

It’s been 1.5 months since the breakup, it was mutual, and it ended rancorously. but she’s still knee-deep in problems.

What was the breakup about?  Try to reflect on why you want to get back together if it ended so badly and she's still drowning in problems.  Let her reach out.  

[Antonioni]

As I mentioned, the lions share of my problems ended with the relationship, hence my ability to see things clearly, and 1.5 months is a long time in which to reflect.
 

I don’t recollect mentioning anything about bitterness or anger; I said we were both being crushed by our collective and individual issues, and that this naturally spilled over into our relationship inadvertently.  We would frequently apologize for our outbursts after the fact, and acknowledge that the outbursts weren’t motivated by any malice we had for each other.

Given the last sentence above, it is a reasonable supposition that-given time-she will arrive to the same conclusions regarding our breakup as I did.

As I mentioned, when you are drowning in stress and problems, everyone’s flashpoint is reduced, and everyone is inclined towards behaviour that is impetuous, and that one later regrets.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Antonioni said:

, when you are drowning in stress and problems, everyone’s flashpoint is reduced, and everyone is inclined towards behaviour that is impetuous, and that one later regrets.

Do you regret how you treated her? What problems is she currently "knee deep" in? What exactly do you mean by "it ended rancorously"?  What makes you feel she wants to get back together if she hasn't contacted you?

[Antonioni]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

What was the breakup about?  Try to reflect on why you want to get back together if it ended so badly and she's still drowning in problems.  Let her reach out.  

We broke up over nothing, in the grand scheme of things. We both behaved like children. 
 

I suppose I’d like to contact her because before the s&$t hit the fan two years ago, we were doing very well.  We were just under considerable pressure for a very long time, and it became too much, and both of us just mentally checked out as our our only means of coping.

I still want to be with her, and I’d like to help her.

 I think you’re right about letting her set the pace.  A very wise move.

[stillafool]

7 minutes ago, Antonioni said:

We would frequently apologize for our outbursts after the fact, and acknowledge that the outbursts weren’t motivated by any malice we had for each other.

You say this^

35 minutes ago, Antonioni said:

it was mutual, and it ended rancorously.

When I left, I was convinced I wanted nothing to do with her ever again, and she felt identically about me.  

And then this^, so given the first statement above, why didn't you guys apologize and not break up?

[Antonioni]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you regret how you treated her? What problems is she currently "knee deep" in? What exactly do you mean by "it ended rancorously"?  What makes you feel she wants to get back together if she hasn't contacted you?

We’d always apologize to each other after any arguments, and agreed that we actually had no legitimate grievances with each other, but that the stress was the motivating factor.

I’d rather not go into great detail regarding our problems just for the sake of anonymity.  

We had another ridiculously childish argument that went on for far too long this time, and we both agreed that we had had enough of each other. Minutes earlier we were just fine.

She is still struggling, and will not be working on the same timeline to clarity that was my privilege, but given the fact that we always did see eye-to-eye on our issues, and that our arguments weren’t personalized, I do feel that she will form the same assessment of our breakup as I did.

 

[Antonioni]

8 minutes ago, stillafool said:

You say this^

And then this^, so given the first statement above, why didn't you guys apologize and not break up?

These aren’t mutually exclusive statements; they indicate a pattern of behaviour predicated upon leading stressful lives.

As I mentioned, when the stress is unrelenting, it has a cumulative effect.

This means that it distorts your executive functioning, and distorts your perception.  What might seem inflammatory when you’re crippled by stress, will seem ridiculously childish when you are totally free of stress.

Have you never been under significant stress in your life before? If you haven’t, you’re definitely an outlier.

[JTSW]

9 hours ago, Antonioni said:

1.5 months is a long time in which to reflect.

It's not. 

It's a very short amount of time and nowhere near enough time for a person to reflect.

Your relationship sounded very tumultuous at best.

You sound rather cocky in your assumption that she will feel the same, but you actually don't know that.

 

[flitzanu]

so she dumped you, and you have come to the conclusion that she is going to realize that she wants to work things out?

you're not asking questions, you're just denying any opinion that anyone is offering you because you have yourself convinced this relationship was perfect, but she wouldn't have dumped you if it was perfect.

 

 

[BrinnM]

This is all very vague, and it’s difficult to form an opinion or give advice, because the circumstances and the reasons for the break up are so unclear to the reader. Very different scenarios and predictions , if you will, could apply here. You mention “stress” a lot, stress that caused arguments, but what kind of stress? Money stress, betrayal, death in the family, illnesses, a combination of those, alcohol or drug abuse…? 
 

Generally speaking - a break up is a break up & since it was mutual, it is not super-likely that the couple will get back together. Both are on the same page: We will separate.
It’s usually a decision that is not made lightly, so I would take the decision seriously. If anybody breaks up with me, I respect their decision and I will move on. I think it’s a respect thing. She respects your decision, you should respect  hers. Now obviously you have changed your mind, and you’re wondering if 1.5 months is a good “waiting period”. I would say if you really want to get back together you shouldn’t wait any longer because she could meet somebody else any day and the longer you wait the greater the chances (that she meets somebody else), but that’s really the only input I have.

Edited July 14, 2023 by BrinnM