She's 'perfect' but he's having an affair [UPDATED His wife is checking my social media]

[Wiseman2]

47 minutes ago, JJ_1990 said:

I am having an affair with a married man. I am a personal trainer and he is one of my clients. I noticed his wife was checking my social media page but she isn't one of my followers 

You stated he's been philandering for years with other women.  So perhaps she's used to checking up on his lovers? Is this the same man?:

 

[BaileyB]

Is she aware of his previous affairs OP? If so, how did she respond? Given that he is a serial cheat, is that the reason for the end of the relationships - she told him to end it? 

If this is the case, I would prepare for this affair to end abruptly. Unless they have an agreement where he is allowed to keep an extramarital relationship and she will turn away… I’m going to guess that discovery is followed by the end the affair.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, JJ_1990 said:

She is still looking me up and viewing my posts. Why???

Perhaps plotting her revenge?  Revenge is best served cold.

Edited October 30, 2023 by stillafool

[BrinnM]

Well, this means she knows “something”. She knows who you are, at least. She might not be aware of the fact that you’re having full-fledged sex with her husband, but she’s interested enough to dig deeper. And that’s probably because he’s been cheating on her for pretty much their entire marriage…..somebody who’s been cheated on for a very long time will always snoop around. That’s human nature and it’s completely understandable.
She either wants to catch him in something or she’s just jealous. Maybe he mentioned you to her. And maybe she’s trying to find out more about you in order to have some evidence in case of a divorce. 

[MsJayne]

4 hours ago, JJ_1990 said:

She is still looking me up and viewing my posts. Why???

Because she's not as stupid as he thinks she is. He's a seasoned player, she's probably just having a look to see who her latest competitor is. She may actually be stalking you with the intention of confronting you, or worse. People in affairs rarely think of possible outcomes, much less worst case scenarios. She could, as @basil67said, publicly humiliate you or even cost you your job and reputation within your industry. Or, depending on how much rage she's accumulated over years of being cuckolded, she could explode and do something crazy. For anyone involved in an affair with a manipulative liar I always recommend reading about Vivienne Cameron, the perfect wife and mother who murdered her husband's affair partner, (allegedly, she disappeared after the mistress was found butchered so was never charged). Fortunately not a common occurrence, but something to consider when assuming that "the little woman" he has at home is some mousy housewife whose hobby is being a doormat. 

Edited October 31, 2023 by MsJayne

[stillafool]

On 7/14/2023 at 4:34 PM, S2B said:

I feel sorry for his wife. Sounds like he has a pattern = finding OW who expect very little.

Yes, they have a knack for spotting desperate women with low self esteem a mile away and just how to play them.

[mark clemson]

If he's had a string of affairs one does have to wonder why she is "researching you" instead of filing for divorce. Perhaps she's only had suspicions and never caught him, dunno. I suppose also that it's easier said than done to leave for many folks.

I think the things folks mentioned earlier in your thread still ring true - she's "perfect" is his signal to you that HE (at least) has no intention of leaving his marriage. Perhaps she doesn't want to leave either, but instead plays whack-a-mole with his APs when she figures them out?? Odd, but not completely implausible.

At any rate, I do think you are caught up in "someone else's game" here (two someone elses now). If that becomes clear for you as well, I guess a fair question to ask yourself is - why am I sticking around for this... You may love him, and he may even love you, but practical matters very frequently overrule sentiment in life, so the likelihood of this ever amounting to much besides what it currently is is low. Meanwhile your livelihood may now be at risk....

Edited October 31, 2023 by mark clemson

[stillafool]

On 7/13/2023 at 2:19 AM, JJ_1990 said:

Without him she has nothing (financially) and she isn’t a very independent woman, she needs a man to depend on on life. I am the opposite. 

Not so.  Since she is the one who is married to him she will get everything she needs financially from him in a divorce, especially when she has proof he's been doing you.  Plus the joy of destroying your life.

[BaileyB]

OP, I think you spend more time thinking about this man’s wife than you should… You also make a lot of assumptions about her and their marriage, most of which are probably untrue.

You say that you are the opposite - and independent woman who doesn’t need a man to depend on… it would seem that is also untrue because here you are, three and a half years in and in your own words - “can't bear letting go of the person who still loves me (albeit in his own, unconventional way).” 

This man has cheated on his wife for years. He has had a series of affair partners, of which you are simply the most recent woman in his bed. This isn’t love. This isn’t love… as they say, you have collected whatever breadcrumbs he has offered you and told yourself “it is a delicious cake.” What’s more, you’ve told yourself that you are an independent woman who doesn’t need a man to bring you cake… and yet, here you sit, for three and a half years now, outside his bakery waiting with your fork.

What’s more, you criticize his wife who is at home, cooking his dinner and caring for his children…

I hope somehow, someday soon, you find the strength to walk away and find a better path for yourself. 

 

Edited October 31, 2023 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

On 10/30/2023 at 10:58 PM, JJ_1990 said:

she has never said anything to my MM about me. 

And you know this how? Because he told you ? 

Because JJ, surely you have figured out that this man is a liar. He lies to his wife, and no doubt he lies to you. You have to stop being willingly naive/gullible, and start realizing she probably knows a lot more about you that MM lets on. You have to realize she's probably said plenty about you to him. 

Either way, it is obvious you are not a secret. She knows who you are and what you are up to with her husband. I would watch your socials carefully in case she starts exposing you there. 

[NuevoYorko]

On 10/30/2023 at 2:58 PM, JJ_1990 said:

I am curious to get some other POV's on this because I am really confused.

I am having an affair with a married man. I am a personal trainer and he is one of my clients. I noticed his wife was checking my social media page but she isn't one of my followers (which means she actively has to search for my account to see my content). The first time it happened I mentioned it to him and he said she didn't have any social media accounts so I must have got it wrong, but it was her and she confirmed that to him. 

You posted earlier that he's had affairs throughout his marriage.  Surely she's aware.  Your his personal trainer - there's a good chance, from her point of view, that he's banging you.  She wants to have a look. 

That's not difficult to understand is it?

As for her not having social media accounts - why on Earth would you believe anything he has to say to you  regarding her?