No hope

[Silentteach]

Ok so here goes. Been with ex partner for 5 years, share a 3 year old boy who’s our world (have an 8 year old from previous marriage). Around two weeks ago she ended it due to a disagreement at bbq and then explained she dreads weekends with my eldest, got upset and said we’ll never work. She came back day later to get her things and moved to her Mum and Dads with our youngest. Told me it’s over and she’ll never get back with me. She said she needs to be alone and nobody else can help her but herself- debt issues, issues with the way she feels about herself etc.

For the whole of the next week got morning how did you sleep texts, how’s your day been…but when I pushed, she said she felt I was putting pressure on her to change her mind and she told me to not do it. 

On to Friday, I came home from work early as I couldn’t cope- she came round, we talked and she confirmed it was done and then I did the stupid guy thing of trying to be logical, think about the kids etc etc. I then lost the plot and ashamed to say I told her if she went I wouldn’t be here and that I’d kill myself. I then continued for an hour or so with her staying saying she is scared, youngest was asleep for most part. She then went to leave with him, I went to car begged her to keep him with me, went to cuddle him and took him back in house leaving her upset outside. 

Police called, welfare check on me, her sisters fella and dad came to get youngest, police left, all calmed down. I went to get help and told her, she was pleased- allowed me to have youngest and when she picked up told me I looked much better than on Friday. 

Spoke to her on Monday after, clearly angry said there is no way ever we’ll get back together.  She’d told her boss at work and close friends.

Since then, I’m getting daily texts again off her, keeping me updated about youngest, and she’s continuing to say that she’d like to do things with him such as days out- even suggesting looking at Christmas events.

I’ve given notice on the house we shared as she’d asked me to- moved all my stuff out and told her, she said she was pleased I managed to get sorted, and that she’s pleased we can still get on.

Am I deluding myself that we can slowly rebuild after the trauma and the dust settles? That we’ll spend time coparenting and I’ll prove over time that I’m the man she fell in love with?

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Silentteach said:

 I told her if she went I wouldn’t be here and that I’d kill myself. Police called, welfare check on me, her sisters fella and dad came to get youngest, police left, 

Sorry this happened. Whose house is it?  

Please focus on your physical and mental health. Your relationship seems conflicted and it may be best to step back. You'll have to coparent of course, but threatening suicide is something you need to address. You don't seem stable enough to have unsupervised visitation.

Edited July 11, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Silentteach]

It’s a shared house, rented. I’ve taken professional help immediately afterwards.

[JTSW]

20 minutes ago, Silentteach said:

Am I deluding myself that we can slowly rebuild after the trauma and the dust settles?

I'm afraid you are absolutely deluding yourself.

She communicates about your child only. Nothing more.

After everything that happened, reconciliation will not be on the cards.

She has also be firm about that too.

[glows]

It’s over. And I’m very sorry. It’ll take some time to adjust but the quicker you accept it and not live in denial the quicker the healing process. Her decision needs to be respected and your feelings whatever you feel is valid. 

Seek support from community and local support programs. If you have access to therapy try that. No hard and fast. Just try it and lump it if it’s not for you. Journal. Do not harass or continue pursuing your ex. Work on coparenting. Discuss any legal items with a lawyer privately. 

[ShyViolet]

8 hours ago, Silentteach said:

Am I deluding myself that we can slowly rebuild after the trauma and the dust settles? That we’ll spend time coparenting and I’ll prove over time that I’m the man she fell in love with?

Yes, you are deluding yourself, and you seriously need to stop.  She has told you, multiple times, that there's no chance of getting back together.  It is not okay for you to keep harassing her about it or making manipulative threats of suicide.  She was smart to call the police on you.  

You have a child together and so for that reason you will not be able to completely cut off contact, you will have to continue to communicate and co-parent.  But it's your responsibility to listen to what she has said, stop harassing her about getting back together, and just do your job of co-parenting.

Edited July 11, 2023 by ShyViolet

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, Silentteach said:

It’s a shared house, rented. I’ve taken professional help immediately afterwards.

 It's great you're getting help.

Where are you living now? How is your other child and the coparenting relationship with the mother.

Unfortunately there will be a police report about this event. So make sure you document everything. Threatening suicide is not only a mental health crisis but can be construed as abusive given that you grabbed the child away from her afterwards.

See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health.  Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. Join some support groups.

You'll need to show that you're competent and stable enough for visitation. Hopefully with enough effort and proof that you're getting help, you'll be granted some sort of supervised visitation.

[basil67]

14 hours ago, Silentteach said:

Ok so here goes. Been with ex partner for 5 years, share a 3 year old boy who’s our world (have an 8 year old from previous marriage). Around two weeks ago she ended it due to a disagreement at bbq and then explained she dreads weekends with my eldest, got upset and said we’ll never work.

<snip>

Am I deluding myself that we can slowly rebuild after the trauma and the dust settles? That we’ll spend time coparenting and I’ll prove over time that I’m the man she fell in love with?

Putting aside the suicide threats, the reason she gave for leaving is apparently related to your 8yo.  So whether or not the two of you have a chance really depends on what's happening in the dynamic at home.

Were you aware that she was struggling with having your child around?  Are the issues something which could be addressed?  Or is it simply that she doesn't like sharing you?  

[MsJayne]

Why does she dread weekends with your eldest child? If the fight at the BBQ was a pivotal point in your relationship, what was the fight about? Obviously she's had resentment building for a long time, and it sounds like she's tried to tell you something's wrong and you've dismissed her, and she's finally tired of not being heard and accepted defeat. Your question, are you deluding yourself that you can sort it out? Well, most women don't willingly break up their family unit, so whatever the problem is, it's big. It may not have been big for you, but it was for her.  If you can fix it, maybe you'll rebuild your relationship, if you can't, it's over. 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

Take it slow.  Perhaps she felt strangulated in this relationship and is feeling better since moving out.  However, I would never trust her that she could try th😑is again.  Just co parent right now and don't overthink anything.

[JTSW]

9 minutes ago, Ageless Wisdom23 said:

However, I would never trust her that she could try th😑is again.

Did you read why she called the police on him?

She was right to do so, especially as their young child was in the house.

[Silentteach]

Update. Ex wants to go on cruise together in Aug. Wants to go down together in car, wants me to pick her up Sunday to go for dinner to discuss contact moving forward (weekends etc).

She’s suggested that there will be weekends and days where we’ll do it together- example she gave Father’s Day, my bday…

Utterly confused. 

[Silentteach]

On 7/12/2023 at 2:30 AM, MsJayne said:

Why does she dread weekends with your eldest child? If the fight at the BBQ was a pivotal point in your relationship, what was the fight about? Obviously she's had resentment building for a long time, and it sounds like she's tried to tell you something's wrong and you've dismissed her, and she's finally tired of not being heard and accepted defeat. Your question, are you deluding yourself that you can sort it out? Well, most women don't willingly break up their family unit, so whatever the problem is, it's big. It may not have been big for you, but it was for her.  If you can fix it, maybe you'll rebuild your relationship, if you can't, it's over. 

It was over the 8 year old and how he went to play with a monster truck toy and her sisters dog didn’t like it. Something stupid and nothing and I snapped at her - and then was stubborn and didn’t apologise.

She worries about the weekends he’s there as we argue far more, when he’s not there we don’t anywhere near as much. 

[JTSW]

3 minutes ago, Silentteach said:

Utterly confused. 

Why?

She is suggesting that the kids still spend time with both their parents.

Nothing more.

She just wants to keep everything civil with you.

[Silentteach]

2 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Why?

She is suggesting that the kids still spend time with both their parents.

Nothing more.

She just wants to keep everything civil with you.

Thanks for the advice! Just wonder whether now we can eventually spend time together with kids that eventually trust can be rebuilt.

[JTSW]

2 minutes ago, Silentteach said:

Thanks for the advice! Just wonder whether now we can eventually spend time together with kids that eventually trust can be rebuilt.

I think that ship has long sailed.

She has made it more than clear that the marriage is over.

Your horrific threats only helped to solidify her choice.

You need to accept that and move on.

It can never be rebuilt.

[MsJayne]

8 hours ago, Silentteach said:

Something stupid and nothing and I snapped at her - and then was stubborn and didn’t apologise.

No, it's not stupid, and it's not "nothing" if it's caused the breakdown of your relationship. If your son  has behavioural issues you should be addressing that, and/or if your partner is resentful of you having another child you should be addressing that too. Sounds like someone, (you, you're the parent), should have moved the monster truck toy out of sight if it was off-limits, and if your son had been told not to use the toy and he did anyway, it's your job to set him straight. Instead of snapping at your son, you snapped at your partner, and then you added to the insult by refusing to acknowledge you were wrong. That kind of arrogance does tend to destroy relationships. Are you seeing why she's had a gutful?  

[basil67]

10 hours ago, Silentteach said:

It was over the 8 year old and how he went to play with a monster truck toy and her sisters dog didn’t like it. Something stupid and nothing and I snapped at her - and then was stubborn and didn’t apologise.

When you say "something stupid and nothing" what are you referring to?

10 hours ago, Silentteach said:

She worries about the weekends he’s there as we argue far more, when he’s not there we don’t anywhere near as much. 

What kind of things do you argue over?   And why do the two of you argue more when your son is there?   Can you give examples?

[Silentteach]

Update. Saw her Sunday for coffee- she wanted to go for lunch but didn’t think it was right time. Was affectionate, gave me a huge hug when she left and said she wants to do days out in the summer as she wants to continue rebuilding trust with me. Confused as to why, but we’ll see.

[Wiseman2]

You have a child in common, so it's good you're trying to get along. The confusion is that she's coparenting and being friendly and you're hoping and perceiving this as potentially getting back together. Please pace yourself and take care of yourself and your child and your physical and mental health.

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Silentteach said:

Update. Saw her Sunday for coffee- she wanted to go for lunch but didn’t think it was right time. Was affectionate, gave me a huge hug when she left and said she wants to do days out in the summer as she wants to continue rebuilding trust with me. Confused as to why, but we’ll see.

Wouldn't it have made more sense to ask what the end goal is?

[Lotsgoingon]

When she flip flops there is a step you want to take. Right now, you have all the activity and responsiveness of a floor rug.

Open your mouth and say, "hey, two days ago you said X. Now you're acting like Y. I don't understand. I'm confused. I don't know what's going on."

Put speaking up for yourself on your agenda for therapy. And look, you shouldn't be in a relationship if you're at the point where you would threaten to kill yourself to manipulate someone. Go get help and heal and you'll be able to date all you want with lots of people with a lot more strength and satisfaction and joy.

BTW: when you to therapy, you have to also open your mouth there and speak up for you need. If the therapist isn't helping fire them and move to another. I once had to fire about four or five people before I go to a therapist who was really really good. You clearly have some kind of old neglect or trauma that is holding you back. Don't let that trauma hold you back from benefiting from therapy.

Good luck.

[JTSW]

On 7/21/2023 at 6:33 PM, Silentteach said:

she wants to continue rebuilding trust with me. Confused as to why

She means for your son, not your marriage.

She needs to trust that you will be a good co-parent and not ever put your child at risk again.

[Silentteach]

On 7/24/2023 at 9:32 AM, JTSW said:

She means for your son, not your marriage.

She needs to trust that you will be a good co-parent and not ever put your child at risk again.

Latest update. Have had a lot of sessions of therapy feeling better- she’s suggesting days out together, with no pressure, so maybe there is hope of slowly rebuilding. Thanks for all the advice.

[JTSW]

14 hours ago, Silentteach said:

Latest update. Have had a lot of sessions of therapy feeling better- she’s suggesting days out together, with no pressure, so maybe there is hope of slowly rebuilding. Thanks for all the advice.

It's ok to keep hope.

But also prepare yourself for the likelyhood that it may not go the way you want.

It's been 4 weeks and nothing has changed so try not to get your hopes up too much.

I'm guessing these days out are for your children, not you.

Sounds like she is just keeping these as normal as possible for the children.