Ending my relationship with Maria [merged thread]

[Keeves1]

Hello Everyone! 

I’m back for an update but before I start I want to introduce me. My name is Keeves or Kevin is my real name. I’m from Oslo, Norway and are 27 years old. Most of my dating life have been well documented on this forum, especially with a girl named Maria. This is not her real name but for the sake of being anonymous we will refer her to  Maria. People here are really helpful and has been there for me at hard times.

 
I have now been with Maria for 3 years but things started to go downhill earlier this year and it is about our sexual life. She has not a sex drive that can match my sex drive which has led us to putting this relationship on pause. I was the one who took the initiative to say that we should take a break and she agrees. My opinion is that sex life is very important even if we are in a relationship. 
 

Even though my sex drive is much higher than hers, I have lowered my expectations and done measures to work against it. I would says I’m very flexible and can adjust my sex drive. It’s not like I always have to have sex, but my preferred partner would be someone who can match the drive with me. I’m 27 years old now and still in my best age. I cannot keep having dead beds and jerking off to porn 🤣 We went on to have sex 2 times a week, to 1 times a week and now 1 time in 3 months.
 

She is always complaining that it hurts so much and the pain is so bad she would refuse to do it with me. She’s also assuring me that it has nothing to do with me being not attractive, she just don’t want to have sex because it’s that bad and she is also stressing. We agreed to work with that and things I did was foreplay, and once I was inside her I took it very very slow. So by having sex a lot less than we used to do before and finding out that foreplay does not work either, I recommended her to visit a doctor or what it’s called.

She has not given me any good reason as to why she don’t want to visit a doctor which I find it strange. She sends me a link about her (you know that I mean) I can’t recall what the link were and this is not helping much either.

So yeah that is everything we did for our sex life to work in our relationship but nothing worked and it upset me and her. 

Her father got cancer recently and he has he’s own shop were he sells and make jewellery. The shop will close April 2024 and her father asked if she could take over and work at the shop from September this year until April. I fully understand it and it’s sad to hear that her father has gotten cancer. He had it previously but won over it and now it came back. The timing is perfect too, since we both have sat the relationship on a pause both me and her will have time to «think» about what we want. We have all the time in the world (7 months is enough time) 

I want to add this in since I forgot it! Since her father has cancer and she will take over he’s shop it mean that she will move to a little town which is 1 hour 30 min by train from Oslo city centre. She will move to her father’s place and live there in 7 months while she have her time to figure things out

What are your thoughts on this? Do you think sex is important in a relationship even after 3 years? Do you think I made the right call by making the decision to put our relationship on pause?

 

Thank you for taking your time! 👏🙌

Edited September 4, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Wiseman2]

15 minutes ago, Keeves1 said:

 Since her father has cancer and she will take over he’s shop it mean that she will move to a little town which is 1 hour 30 min by train from Oslo city centre. She will move to her father’s place and live there in 7 months .

Sorry this is happening. Unfortunately she has to do what she has to do as far as her father's illness and business.

It's not about whether sex is important or not, it's about that she finds it painful and she's under a lot of stress. 

It's ok she needs to move. It gives you both some space and time to reflect on things. Try to be a bit more compassionate and less concerned with how often you want sex.

 

[ShyViolet]

Of course sex is a very important factor in a relationship.  Sexual incompatibility is a legitimate reason to break up.  Yes you did the right thing by putting the relationship on pause.

The fact that she has been unwilling to see a doctor to check whether this is a health issue shows that she is not willing to work on this.  She doesn't seem to have any interest in having the type of sex life that you want to have.  Sooner or later I think you are going to come to the realization that you and her are no longer compatible, and the best thing you can do for yourself is move on and find someone else.  Age 27 is way too young to be in a dead relationship.  Go out and live your life.

[Gaeta]

The fact she is unwilling to go see a doctor about her pain during sex gives you all the answers you need. 

A relationship cannot survive when only 1 is willing to work on the problem. She is not seeking help because she is taking you for granted and when that happens the love is on its way out. 

This relationship is over, you need to breakup. 

Of course sex is important, in a romantic relationship sex is the glue that holds everything together at any age. 

 

[smackie9]

 Communication is important. Have a straight forward conversation with her about her issue, her need to seek medical advice/treatment, what it's doing to your relationship, and then bring up the topic of ending the relationship. Maybe she will just agree then you are free to move on. 

[Keeves1]

————————————————————————

Update: She did see a doctor because she wanted to check if her cervix had cancer. When she went to the doctor she asked about the sex part and the doctor told her to just relax. 

I told her this does not count as that said doctor did not specialize within sex and told her again to see a real sexologist (I think it is what it’s called?) but you get what I mean 😆 

and here is what she has to say on this after I told her to seek a real doctor: Even if I did they would tell me to relax, I don’t see a point to go there if they would say that» 

and I say: «You can’t be so sure of that» 

and she’s like «Kevin no I don’t want to» but it does not end there.

I mentioned that she would move away temporary for 7 months and her opinions is that after 7 months she may have more sex drive than ever. Now I don’t know if that’s an excuse but I actually do have high hopes for that but at the same time I’m thinking back of my head that it would go downhill afterwards.

Gaeta, what do you mean by she’s taking me for granted? 

 

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

The fact she is unwilling to go see a doctor about her pain during sex gives you all the answers you need. 

A relationship cannot survive when only 1 is willing to work on the problem. She is not seeking help because she is taking you for granted and when that happens the love is on its way out. 

This relationship is over, you need to breakup. 

Of course sex is important, in a romantic relationship sex is the glue that holds everything together at any age. 

 

 

Edited July 12, 2023 by Keeves1

[Keeves1]

2 hours ago, smackie9 said:

 Communication is important. Have a straight forward conversation with her about her issue, her need to seek medical advice/treatment, what it's doing to your relationship, and then bring up the topic of ending the relationship. Maybe she will just agree then you are free to move on. 

I think she would strongly agree like straight away. I’ve told her to seek a doctor but she not willing to because her reason is that they would tell her just to relax. 

Our sex might be better when she comes back after 7 months away but I’m starting to feel that if I wait 7 months longer for the sex to be back and then to go downhill again is just not worth it.. 

I’m not sure if it’s gonna go downhill but when we first started dating each other our sex happended often and was without any complains. 

She says that it can be better because temporary moving away after 7 months and come back will result in better sex according to her

[Gaeta]

She is wrong on everything.

First there are several medical conditions that cause pain during sex, conditions that need to be trested A) for her & her partner quality of life B) because not treated it could only get worse and could be irreversable.

Is she a doctor!..l don't think so. It's not up to her to decide her cervix is the problem, actually she could have a condition to her uterus, her bladder, and anywhere else in that area that cause that pain. She needs to see a doctor and have it investigated until she gets an answer.

She won't do that so there is no point waiting for her. When she comes back the pain will still be there. It won't disappear miraculously. 

She takes you for granted because she makes 0 efforts to keep you but wants you to stay. 

 

Edited July 12, 2023 by Gaeta

[Wiseman2]

23 minutes ago, Keeves1 said:

 we first started dating each other our sex happended often and was without any complains. She says that it can be better because temporary moving away after 7 months and come back will result in better sex according to her

She did see a physician. Why second guess that? And they did an exam. A regular physician can perform a pelvic exam and pap test as well as a gynecologist. And yes, painful sex can come from not being relaxed or aroused. 

If the sex used to be ok and then went downhill, there seems to be psychological or relationship problems.

Agree that the break may help. The affection and trust are missing and she's extremely stressed about her dying father and having to take over the family business. 

Edited July 12, 2023 by Wiseman2

[basil67]

I sympathise with her not wanting to see a doctor because in my experience they really don't have the skill to help. That's not their fault, it's just that they are generalists.   And she's not wrong that a doctor will probably just tell her to relax and use more lube.  

So if she's willing, I think a women's health physio/pelvic floor physio is the way to go.  Pain with sex is one one of their specialites, and a good one will take a holistic approach, considering things like what her muscles are doing (perhaps her pelvic floor isn't relaxing?) and the state of her skin (inside and out).

And STOP trying to have sex with her until this is sorted out.  If it's hurting her, she is not enjoying it!!!

 

Edited July 12, 2023 by basil67

[Keeves1]

Seems like most people’s opinion is that I should have a talk with her again. As of now I’m not thinking about breaking up with her. It all depends on the «talk» we are going to have. 
 

don’t misunderstand me but me and her haven’t had sex in 3 months and we both agreed to stop since it’s not working. We have tried everything, Basil

Edited July 12, 2023 by Keeves1

[basil67]

26 minutes ago, Keeves1 said:

don’t misunderstand me but me and her haven’t had sex in 3 months and we both agreed to stop since it’s not working. We have tried everything, Basil

Glad to hear I misunderstood.  

There will be answers, she's just got to find the right person and this will take some determination on her part.  Has she already seen a pelvic floor/women's health physio?   

Edit to add: has she had her hormone levels checked?

Edited July 13, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ShyViolet]

If she went to a doctor to check her cervix then that is a gynecologist, that IS a "real" doctor.  Now you keep saying that she didn't go to the doctor.  She just did.

She is not willing to investigate this further.  That's all you need to know.  She clearly isn't interested in having the kind of sex life that you are hoping to have.  It is very naive of you to think that her going away for 7 months will somehow solve the problem and she'll come back with a sex drive.  You should take this opportunity of her going away for 7 months as a sign that it's time to end the relationship.

[SurfCity]

Is it true that you only performed foreplay and were gentle during intercourse after a discussion about the lack of sex?

A note for the future, 99.999999% of women need foreplay, she shouldn't have to request that from you, it should be something that you do every time.

It's very likely that her pain comes from you being rough, not giving her foreplay, or you reenacting your favorite porn scene. It's very egotistical to believe that there must be something physically wrong with her if she's not aroused by your lack of foreplay.

Instead of trying convincing her to see a sexologist, maybe you should see one and learn about sex outside of porn.

[Keeves1]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

  Has she already seen a pelvic floor/women's health physio?

I’m not so sure about that but I can ask her

[Keeves1]

38 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

If she went to a doctor to check her cervix then that is a gynecologist, that IS a "real" doctor.  Now you keep saying that she didn't go to the doctor.  She just did.

She is not willing to investigate this further.  That's all you need to know.  She clearly isn't interested in having the kind of sex life that you are hoping to have.  It is very naive of you to think that her going away for 7 months will somehow solve the problem and she'll come back with a sex drive.  You should take this opportunity of her going away for 7 months as a sign that it's time to end the relationship.

Yeah but the doctor that we are refering to are the ones who is educated with that sort of problem if that makes sense? 🤣 might be the language barrier kicking in but yeah that is also correct that she has been to a doctor.

I think by putting this relationship on pause and wait 7 months is a risky thing altough after reading all the messages it seems like things would still be the same 

 

[Keeves1]

 

 

Well yes! She has told me that I’m rough and she has communicated that it was a issue before but It still won’t work even If I’m gentle. It is 100% true that I did foreplay and were gentle

Edited July 13, 2023 by Keeves1

[Gaeta]

You've been with Maria 3 years so when did painful sex start? If you had sex 2 years with no pain and this pain started a few months ago then l doubt you create that pain. It hurts yes but because of an underlying condition.

Now, l know a lady that had that problem and it took months of going to different specialists andc trying different meds. Some doctors even told her it was in her head. Finally they found what she had, a condition with a 26 letters name, she got on the right meds and the pain went away.

This is not something simple to solve! But she doesn't want to solve it.

Edited July 13, 2023 by Gaeta

[Keeves1]

5 hours ago, Gaeta said:

You've been with Maria 3 years so when did painful sex start? If you had sex 2 years with no pain and this pain started a few months ago then l doubt you create that pain. It hurts yes but because of an underlying condition.

Now, l know a lady that had that problem and it took months of going to different specialists andc trying different meds. Some doctors even told her it was in her head. Finally they found what she had, a condition with a 26 letters name, she got on the right meds and the pain went away.

This is not something simple to solve! But she doesn't want to solve it.

I second this!! 

[JTSW]

She should never ignore these kind of issues because it could be something serious.

I don't believe she actually went to the doctor because they would've have at least ran some tests.

They also would have made suggestions on things she can do.

Just saying 'relax' is BS and so unprofessional.

Having talks with her is proving pointless.

She has made up her mind about not going.

Maybe you can contact a 'sexual health clinic' and make an appointment for her.

Edited July 13, 2023 by JTSW

[Gaeta]

Maybe she just doesn't want to have sex with OP anymore.

I also don't beleive she went to see a doctor. A woman just needs to mention pain and cramping and she'll have all sort of tests done.  They're always poking us down there for every little thing!

[Wiseman2]

14 hours ago, Keeves1 said:

I think by putting this relationship on pause and wait 7 months is a risky thing altough after reading all the messages it seems like things would still be the same 

The break is a good idea. It doesn't matter why she's not interested in sex, whether it's stress, relationship issues or physical problems.

She simply doesn't want to and it's causing problems. But it's her choice to have sex or not and all you can do is observe.

She's not an automobile you own that you take to the shop to "fix", so please stop badgering her after she already explained she went to her own physician.

[Els]

Eh, it sounds to me like she had a pap smear done at a GP, which would involve a physical examination that would, indeed, eliminate most (not all, but most) of the causes of painful intercourse. In that situation, with no obvious health complications, it's not wrong for the GP to tell her that the issue is most likely arousal/relaxation. Being relaxed and aroused makes a HUGE difference - it's not uncommon for women to experience painful intercourse if they are tense and not aroused, even if they have no medical issues. Just like how men can't have sex without being aroused, women can't usually have comfortable sex without being aroused either. When a woman is aroused, the vagina gradually expands and the cervix rises... and for many women, this is needed in order to have comfortable sex.

I understand that you have stopped having intercourse for 3 months, but it sounds like you had it twice a week for two years even though she's "always complaining that it hurts so much". Why on earth would you do that??? Unfortunately you've probably prolonged or exacerbated the issue by doing that, because now she just associates sex with pain in her mind... which, you guessed it, makes it even less likely for her to be relaxed and aroused. I'm also really concerned that you weren't concerned about her pain until she started saying "no" to sex - it didn't bother you that she was having painful sex until it started affecting you.

What are you doing during foreplay? Did you only start having foreplay after the sex frequency went downhill? How long are you having foreplay for? It often takes around 20-30 minutes of foreplay for the vagina to expand and lubricate fully, and for a woman to orgasm. Has she ever orgasmed with you? Has she ever orgasmed on her own?

 

 

Edited July 13, 2023 by Els

[Keeves1]

52 minutes ago, Els said:

I understand that you have stopped having intercourse for 3 months, but it sounds like you had it twice a week for two years even though she's "always complaining that it hurts so much". Why on earth would you do that??? Unfortunately you've probably prolonged or exacerbated the issue by doing that, because now she just associates sex with pain in her mind... which, you guessed it, makes it even less likely for her to be relaxed and aroused. I'm also really concerned that you weren't concerned about her pain until she started saying "no" to sex - it didn't bother you that she was having painful sex until it started affecting you.

What are you doing during foreplay? Did you only start having foreplay after the sex frequency went downhill, and before that you just tried to stick it in? How long are you having foreplay for? It often takes around 20-30 minutes of foreplay for the vagina to expand and lubricate fully, and for a woman to orgasm. Has she ever orgasmed with you? Has she ever orgasmed on her own?

 

 

It started to affect me from the first moment when she were complaining and I do listen to her. When she complain about me being rough I started to be gentle and it worked fine at that time and I started from there to be gentle everytime we had sex even if it was two times a week. 

During foreplay I would lighty touch her thigh in that area closer to her (you know) and I started using my finger (not straight inside her) but using a circular motion. It took 1 hour and 30 minuter for her vagina to expand. No when we first started I used lubed and sticked it in right away, but she has communicated that we should use foreplay and I did that for 3 years now. 

She does not orgasm on her own and I have not ever seen her masturbate on her own

Edited July 13, 2023 by Keeves1

[S2B]

18 hours ago, Keeves1 said:

Seems like most people’s opinion is that I should have a talk with her again. As of now I’m not thinking about breaking up with her. It all depends on the «talk» we are going to have. 
 

don’t misunderstand me but me and her haven’t had sex in 3 months and we both agreed to stop since it’s not working. We have tried everything, Basil

Another “talk” isn’t about to change anything. 
she doesn’t want to! 
you two aren’t compatible!

this is as good as it gets as long as you are with her! So stay and expect it to get worse.