Is She Slow to Warm up or is This Something Else?

[WorldTraveler]

I (33M) have been on a handful of really great dates with this girl (35F), and things have been awesome whenever we're in person but then when apart, I feel my mind racing wondering if we are still in a good place based on her actions which have been giving me mixed signals. For context, on the first date she made it a point to tell me that her last relationship was 8 years long and while she did date immediately after the breakup, she felt bad because she found herself accidentally leading guys on because she wasn't ready for something new and how she doesn't want to do that again. That was over a year ago, and now after asking where she is at, she told me that she's in a much better place and is ready to find her person and settle down for good.

Since we've started dating, communication via text and other means like instagram has been super inconsistent in the sense that sometimes it would take her an entire day to reply back to me. Also she made it a point to tell me that due to her job, she isn't able to be on her phone all day which is perfectly understandable and I've never had any problems with this. Even on one of our dates, she told me that sometimes she can be really bad with her phone forgetting to reply until hours later, so I guess I shouldn't be totally surprised. One thing I've noticed however, is that she's now told me twice in the last two weeks, that she has a lot of things going on and then apologizes for not being the most prompt at replying. Safe to say, I'm definitely not used to this degree of inconsistency when comparing to previous girls I've dated. Sometimes its literally just a quick exchange of 2-3 texts a day at most but they will be hours apart. Meanwhile my mind conjures up a million reasons, second guessing things I said or didn't say, and makes assumptions about her behavior. However, throughout it all I've simply played it cool, remained nonchalant about it and have given her space, trying to mirror her communication along the way.

So far we have been on four dates with our last one being the best. Our communication is incredible and after talking, we mutually agreed that we'd like to continue seeing each other to see where things go, while taking it slow. We both said how we aren't dating other people and have deleted the dating apps, but we haven't slept over or had sex yet because she felt like it was too soon. I respected her decision and we agreed that the current pace of things is perfect and how we would check in with each other if things start moving too fast or too slow. We concluded the date by being affectionate with each other with a few brief kisses that led to making out. I left the date over the moon, excited for what was to come. Since the date, she has initiated contact via text, with some days of back and forth texting while others with conversation that went back to 2-3 texts for the entire day. In these instances I don't double text her, I just let her reply whenever that may be. When she told me how sometimes she isn't the best texter, she noted how I don't seem to like texting all that much either. But the reality is that I actually do, and I enjoy having conversations throughout the day with women I date. But I've withheld from doing so or saying anything yet because I'm doing my best to mirror the level of communication that she's been giving me. But I'm wondering is this the right approach?

I tried to get an idea of her availability for the week to set up our fifth date. She again mentioned how she has a lot going on, and once she has a better idea of her schedule, she will get back to me to set something up. I've continued to play it cool, mirroring her communication, while also expressing my own interest and putting in the effort by telling her how I'd love to take her out over the weekend whenever she is free. She seemed appreciative of the space and in the meantime I've just tried to stay busy to keep my mind from thinking negatively. So while I know no one here knows the inner workings of her mind and can't say for sure, I'm just curious to hear a female's perspective on whether this kind of behavior sounds like her taking it slow to prevent herself from getting hurt because of her relationship history, playing hard to get, or something else?

As a side note, I actually had a co-worker date her in the past and he said that she was the exact same way with the inconsistent texting and appearing busy, which made him feel the same things I'm currently feeling. So I'm really not sure if this is just the type of dater she is, or if this is her way of testing potential mates to see how they respond. But one thing I know is that she told me how she's been love-bombed in the past and how it was the worst thing ever for her. And while that's not my dating style, it's one of the reason's why I've remained cool and given her space rather than the opposite. She doesn't seem like the person who would play any kind of games based on the interactions we've shared and neither am I. I'm just trying to figure out how to approach this behavior so that things continue to evolve in a healthy manner, because she's definitely a woman that I'm willing to fight for due to the genuine potential and chemistry present. We've only been seeing each other for a month, but if she's in fact playing hard to get, how many more weeks should I let things play out before expressing how I'm feeling about all of this to her? Should I expect things to become more consistent as time goes on and our date's continue to be successful? Thank you!

 

TLDR: I've been dating this girl for the last month over a span of four successful dates. We agreed that things have been going really great and we both want to continue seeing each other to see where things go, but would like to take it slow in the process. We agreed we aren't dating other people and have since deleted the dating apps. Since before the first date, her texting style has been inconsistent with some days consisting of back and forth conversations and other days with 2-3 texts spread out throughout the day. Between that and her comments of how she "has a lot of things going on", I'm wondering if she is in fact busy, testing me, or playing hard to get. And if so what is the appropriate way of responding if I'm really into this girl and want things to continue to progress to a relationship? And better yet, should I give things a timeframe for how long I should continue to tolerate this if it in fact bothers me? Thank you!

Edited July 6, 2023 by WorldTraveler

[Gaeta]

So...How exactly would you like things to be at 4 dates? To me she sounds normal. She met you, she deleted her profile, she said she's not dating anyone else, it all sounds dandy. 

Bf & I never texted during the day, not in the early days when we met and not now after a year dating. We both concentrate on our work then in the evening we have a quick phone call to touch base, it doesn't last 5 minutes. We keep all of our conversation for when we are together and it works well, we don't suffocate each other! and it keeps us looking forward to be together. 

Men always think women are playing games, she doesn't play games. She takes her time, you should do the same! There is no way to address this, you don't address it, you ride along and let the relationship grow OR if you are not happy with her pace you let her go and find someone that's gonna text you all day. 

[Sony12]

It sounds like she likes you even if she doesn't feel like she wants to kiss your face every single Friday night.

If you two are mutually deciding that you want to keep on seeing each other than keep on doing things the way they are now. If however you want to have a very sexual relationship this might not turn into that. Women who have a high sex drive will have had sex by the 4th date nine out of ten times.

[Wiseman2]

It seems to be going really well and she seems into you. This pace for a month dating and 4 dates seems fine. All you can do is stay in touch and focus on when she has more time to get together.

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Women who have a high sex drive will have had sex by the 4th date nine out of ten times.

well, sometimes when women have been burnt by love, like this lady, they decide they'll go slower with the next relationship and not jump in bed right away. 

[WorldTraveler]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

So...How exactly would you like things to be at 4 dates? To me she sounds normal. She met you, she deleted her profile, she said she's not dating anyone else, it all sounds dandy. 

Bf & I never texted during the day, not in the early days when we met and not now after a year dating. We both concentrate on our work then in the evening we have a quick phone call to touch base, it doesn't last 5 minutes. We keep all of our conversation for when we are together and it works well, we don't suffocate each other! and it keeps us looking forward to be together. 

Men always think women are playing games, she doesn't play games. She takes her time, you should do the same! There is no way to address this, you don't address it, you ride along and let the relationship grow OR if you are not happy with her pace you let her go and find someone that's gonna text you all day. 

Idk I guess I'm just used to more communication from women I've dated but this woman is definitely unlike any other's I've ever dated - in all the right ways too - so I guess her communication style isn't a bad thing, just something I'm not used to. But I just took a step back, took a breath and looked at this objectively and I will admit it sounds a little crazy on my part! I'm just really into this woman and so I want to do everything I can to ensure it continues to progress and unfortunately sometimes my anxious mind gets in the way and likes to self sabotage. 

[WorldTraveler]

25 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It seems to be going really well and she seems into you. This pace for a month dating and 4 dates seems fine. All you can do is stay in touch and focus on when she has more time to get together.

And continue to match her communication level along the way? I guess it boils down to the fact that I wasn't sure if this was a test of some kind and I was worried that I was fumbling things or failing in some way. 

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, WorldTraveler said:

 I guess it boils down to the fact that I wasn't sure if this was a test of some kind and I was worried that I was fumbling things or failing in some way. 

You have to get that type of thinking out of your mind. You will not meet a good person if you assume women play games if they're not acting ABC. 

Dating and entering a relationship is a risk and you have to accept it may not work, she may not be the right fit for you and you will discover it at 2-3-4 months dating. There is no short cuts and no safety net. 

Your best shot is to aim at good dates! Reserve her ahead of time, let her know you're looking forward to seeing her, have dates that last longer. You will not win a woman over text that's for teenagers, men keep in touch by calling and they setup dates. 

[WorldTraveler]

15 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

You have to get that type of thinking out of your mind. You will not meet a good person if you assume women play games if they're not acting ABC. 

Dating and entering a relationship is a risk and you have to accept it may not work, she may not be the right fit for you and you will discover it at 2-3-4 months dating. There is no short cuts and no safety net. 

Your best shot is to aim at good dates! Reserve her ahead of time, let her know you're looking forward to seeing her, have dates that last longer. You will not win a woman over text that's for teenagers, men keep in touch by calling and they setup dates. 

Given her communication style, are there certain things that I can do to continue expressing my interest in mature, but cute ways? I just don't want her to think I'm not interested if we go days without major communication between dates. 

[NuevoYorko]

52 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

. Women who have a high sex drive will have had sex by the 4th date nine out of ten times.

That's completely off base. Women - and people in general who have their act together - are not determining when to have sex with a new person based on how horny they feel, unless they are actually just out to get that itch scratched.   They pace intimacy based upon many factors.  

[Gaeta]

15 minutes ago, WorldTraveler said:

Given her communication style, are there certain things that I can do to continue expressing my interest in mature, but cute ways? 

You call her and talk for a few minutes. That's showing your interest. Call when you know she's not at work and not too late. If she doesn't pick up then leave her a nice message. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Part of me thinks she isn't that into you. Trust me: she knows you are romantically interested in her. You think women don't know that a guy who meets them multiple times on a date wants more than a platonic friendship? Come on now!  Back to your texting, you really should be flirting now in your texts and not just reporting on how your day was. That's a waste of time. I say text when you to ask her out and then leave her alone. 

She's got a lot going on. Hmmmmm ... Having a lot going on can be good. Says she has a life. But in my experience, people who have a lot going on will still find a way to make clear that they are interested (and available!) for romance. A lot going on doesn't really explain her seeming lack of interest in moving forward. People who want romance will prioritize romance and work hard to find time even if they have "a lot going on."

I don't know about her 8-year previous relationship. I don't encourage people to "wait" or "go slow" just because someone had a bad previous relationship and disappointment. Going slow is

No you don't give her a timeline for how long you will "tolerate" this. You aren't in a position to give an ultimatum to anyone.  But you want to figure out—with yourself--how long you want to put up with this current situation.

Ordinarily I would say hey, if she's not available for a particular day and date and doesn't make EXACTLY clear when she is available, that's all a red flag and you should go about dating other people. But you guys said you weren't going to date other people. So maybe lay low for a bit and in the next two-three weeks, if nothing really changes, then let her go. I really like you but it's not clear to me that you want to see this relationship develop. Tell her something like that in a few weeks. And get back onto the dating site. 

Nothing wrong with being a reluctant texter, but you do want to date someone who finds a way to make up for their reluctant texting. Who reassures you, so that you FEEL reassured (you don't want to intellectually stretch to feel reassured). 

I’m really not sure this woman is a good fit for you. Start thinking about that possibility.

p.s.

Every woman who ever told me they had a lot going on really just meant they weren't that interested in me. Contrast that with someone who has a major work project with a pressing deadline. The person who is genuinely interested in you will typically describe the work project with some detail (not go generic with "a lot going on"). And she will give you the specific date when her time opens up and figure out how to reassure you between now and when she has more time. 

Edited July 6, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[basil67]

4 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Every woman who ever told me they had a lot going on really just meant they weren't that interested in me. Contrast that with someone who has a major work project with a pressing deadline. The person who is genuinely interested in you will typically describe the work project with some detail (not go generic with "a lot going on"). And she will give you the specific date when her time opens up and figure out how to reassure you between now and when she has more time. 

This is exactly what I was thinking

@WorldTraveler If I was in your situation and a guy  told me that he "had a lot going on" and would let me know when he was available, I'd stop seeing them.  It's one thing to know they have a deadline, or are understaffed and in the process of rehiring, or some kind of intense short term course...but I simply don't trust those who aren't transparent.   

She's stringing you along

[JTSW]

She has definitely got her guard up that's for sure.

She does like you.

I don't think mirroring her communication is the best action as she could be thinking the same things you are thinking.

Just be yourself. Show a little more interest in her work day etc.

[Gaeta]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

If I was in your situation and a guy  told me that he "had a lot going on" and would let me know when he was available, I'd stop seeing them.  

OP did she say that bolded part to you? I understand she told you she has a lot going on but does she avoid making solid plans with you and use 'I'll let you know' ? If yes then I change my view of this situation.

[OurLoveTurnsToRust]

Just use texting to setup dates and save all the communication for in-person.  If she likes you, it will work out, it just sounds like you are insecure she's not staying in constant contact with you, just go with the flow, if the in-person interaction is good and moving forward in a positive trajectory, don't worry so much about the texting portion.  Pushing the issue will make you appear clingy, so don't do that.  If you find you have to have someone who texts you a lot, perhaps you just simply aren't compatible, then move on.

[WorldTraveler]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

OP did she say that bolded part to you? I understand she told you she has a lot going on but does she avoid making solid plans with you and use 'I'll let you know' ? If yes then I change my view of this situation.

So last week she apologized for her slow replies stating that she had a lot going on, but then proceeded to confirm our date immediately after. This week she again apologized for having a lot going on and then asked if it’d be alright if she got back to me. I said sure no problem, told her which days I was busy, but that I’d love to take her out over the weekend if she was free. She thanked me for my patience, and said as soon as she knows what days she’s free she’d get back to me. It’s now the start of the weekend with no concrete plans. So I’m not sure if I should follow up again or start approaching this differently. 

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, WorldTraveler said:

 said as soon as she knows what days she’s free she’d get back to me. It’s now the start of the weekend with no concrete plans. So I’m not sure if I should follow up again or start approaching this differently. 

Friday morning (here anyway) and no news, that doesn't look good. I don't think you should follow up, you made your interest and you made your invitation and at this point she is letting you hanging which is really not nice/polite/respectful. 

This should tell you this is not someone that has a genuine interest in you (or dating) and if she does have a genuine interest in you then are you sure you want to date someone who lets you hanging? 

[WorldTraveler]

2 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

This should tell you this is not someone that has a genuine interest in you (or dating) and if she does have a genuine interest in you then are you sure you want to date someone who lets you hanging? 

No I don’t, but it’s just so confusing to me. How can one show interest and excitement in the future and express how she wants to continue seeing me one week to this kind of behavior the next? She definitely didn’t seem like the kind of woman that wants to play games nor seemed like she had time for them. I must have not gotten a good read on her I guess

[Gaeta]

@WorldTraveler: What keeps her this busy?  She has young children?

[WorldTraveler]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

@WorldTraveler: What keeps her this busy?  She has young children?

Sounds like work mostly and trying to plan a month long work trip to Asia. So trying to figure out the logistics and all that.

[Gaeta]

8 minutes ago, WorldTraveler said:

Sounds like work mostly and trying to plan a month long work trip to Asia. So trying to figure out the logistics and all that.

Oh dear! That's a very weak excuse. She can't free herself Saturday from 18h to 23h because she's planning a work trip.....really! 

[basil67]

What's her job?  Unless she's got a job such as being a doctor who's working 80hr weeks and is also on call to cover other shifts, being unable to plan around work is inexcusable. 

[ShyViolet]

It definitely sounds like you are a lot more into her than she is into you.  Acting over-eager and insecure is certainly not going to make her more interested.  If she doesn't start showing more interest soon, then you should move on.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

It sounds like you are exclusive but Still-------She is not ready to be in a relationship and is maybe stepping back a bit with what she says.  Continue what you are doing and keep going slow until you BOTH know when it is time to be in a Real Relationship.