Anxious about the unknown

[Luuluu]

Hey all, I don’t really have access to professional advice at the moment, so I stumbled upon this forum. I’m a 24 year old female in a 2 year long distance relationship with my boyfriend who is 29. I got accepted into a nursing school in his state starting in January ‘24. Now, we’ve talked about this a few times on how I feel about moving states and leaving everything I know and I always felt like I could adjust with time even though I’ve always struggled with change. He’s a great partner, kind, caring, puts my needs first and basically treats me like gold. I fly once a month to see him (better for both of us for various reasons) and we have a great relationship in person, not high stress at all. Most of our problems are when we’re apart. 

However, my fear is that once I settle with him that our problems begin to grow because we will watch each other face our stressors in person. The novelty of seeing each other once in awhile will wear off. He’s a small business owner and the recession has hit him hard. He’s the kind to get depressed and even a bit cynical about his situations despite how I try to support. Finances have been a huge issue this year and he talks about it almost every phone call. He has this huge goal to become financially successful and I get that because I want the same thing, it’s one of the things I admired about him in the first place. But every time we talk about something that may require money it’s always “and this is why I want to be wealthy!” I’ve supported him through everything he’s ever gone through since we met in 2020 and it hurts me every time he’s unhappy and I always do my best to give him advice. But over time it’s become draining. His life is very stressful, there’s always something going on. I’m going into an accelerated nursing program (15 months) and it’s going to be hard on top of missing home and everything that I’m used to. 

I love him to death, I feel like I wouldn’t be able to find someone like him again. But I’m terrified of the unknown, scared that I may be putting myself in a really difficult situation that I worry I won’t be able to handle. I still live with my parents who have supported me my whole life and have been living decently. I have a part time job right now to cover some of my own expenses. I’m not afraid of some struggle, but I don’t know what to do. If his finances don’t straighten up it’ll be hard for me because I’d be relying on him while I’m in school. I don’t want to be a burden to my parents asking for money when I run out of my savings and he can’t help. I’m a Christian, I’ve prayed to become stronger for years because I’m tired of being scared of change and the unknown, I feel like this is my chance. I’ve procrastinated on securing my seat in school because nothing feels concrete. Advice? 

TLDR: Moving states to be with my partner and going to an accelerated program. Partner is amazing, but his life is very stressful and he often is depressed and cynical, scared I won’t be able to handle everything. Advice?

[Lotsgoingon]

I would disagree with your premise. You are not scared of the unknown. You are scared of what you know: that he is financially struggling and obsesses and complains about his financial situation, he gets depressed and down. And ... you are tired of all the complaining.  Quick note: we do get tired of partner complaining if they are not taking focused and constructive action in resolving their problems. There is nothing worse than being around a complaining partner who is not taking good action or who takes dumb action to resolve their problems. Their complaining becomes just dumping manure on the table. 

So you are terrified of moving to be with him (away from family and what you know) when he doesn't seem like he is struggling. And when you see that he lacks a positive resiliency about his struggles. 

Some good steps to take. One, you gotta drop the fantasy--delusion really--that you can make him happy. You can't. He has to do that work. So give up that hope--it's extremely dangerous and just wildly naïve. Young people often have to painfully learn this lesson, but you don't have to painfully learn the lesson. You can anticipate what's going to happen. You move in, he's just as likely to increase his complaining because he's now got your ear 24/7. And look, men maybe especially really struggle to be good partners when they are financially struggling.  They go distant, they simply don't have the inner energy to be intimate and close and responsive.

Therefore, you want to shift your thinking to he's who he is, right now. He will NOT change. If he changes, that's out of your control. All calculations from you should assume he's going to be the same or worse!

Two, time to think honestly about the relationship and how satisfied you are. You keep saying he's wonderful and all of that and that he will do things for you. That's great. But that does NOT answer the question of whether you really enjoy the relationship. The challenge of mature relationships is that someone can be wonderful AND we might not be able to be in close relationship with them and be happy. 

The money issues you raise are real. You do NOT want to depend on him for money because he's already stressed. He is barely taking care of himself money wise. Blunt translation: of course, you can't depend on him for money and doing so will only make both of you miserable. Hidden thought: he doesn't sound self-aware enough to anticipate how he will feel if you move in. Second hidden thought: I don't think you believe he's all that smart in how he thinks about and approaches his business and his money. Check for those hidden thoughts! Bring them out from beneath the rug and shine a light on them. If these thoughts are wrong, you'll be able to see that. But drop any guilt for being critical of him.  

My recommendation: delay the move. Apply somewhere locally. Ask for permission to enroll in the school near him in fall 2024 or winter 2025. Take a good year to allow yourself to honestly study him when you visit and be honest about what living with him will be like. A good experiment would be to go there for a longer visit. Like,  can you visit him for a month? That would be a great experiment. 

The main challenge for you (and people in your situation) is to allow your critical voice to speak its peace without shutting down because you like him and he likes you. 

TLDR: Moving away from all you know to be with a man who is financially struggling and who complains and gripes all the time would be disaster. And time to start thinking seriously about whether this relationship is really long term. 

 

 

Edited July 6, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Luuluu]

6 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I would disagree with your premise. You are not scared of the unknown. You are scared of what you know: that he is financially struggling and obsesses and complains about his financial situation, he gets depressed and down. And ... you are tired of all the complaining.  Quick note: we do get tired of partner complaining if they are not taking focused and constructive action in resolving their problems. There is nothing worse than being around a complaining partner who is not taking good action or who takes dumb action to resolve their problems. Their complaining becomes just dumping manure on the table. 

So you are terrified of moving to be with him (away from family and what you know) when he doesn't seem like he is struggling. And when you see that he lacks a positive resiliency about his struggles. 

Some good steps to take. One, you gotta drop the fantasy--delusion really--that you can make him happy. You can't. He has to do that work. So give up that hope--it's extremely dangerous and just wildly naïve. Young people often have to painfully learn this lesson, but you don't have to painfully learn the lesson. You can anticipate what's going to happen. You move in, he's just as likely to increase his complaining because he's now got your ear 24/7. And look, men maybe especially really struggle to be good partners when they are financially struggling.  They go distant, they simply don't have the inner energy to be intimate and close and responsive.

Therefore, you want to shift your thinking to he's who he is, right now. He will NOT change. If he changes, that's out of your control. All calculations from you should assume he's going to be the same or worse!

Two, time to think honestly about the relationship and how satisfied you are. You keep saying he's wonderful and all of that and that he will do things for you. That's great. But that does NOT answer the question of whether you really enjoy the relationship. The challenge of mature relationships is that someone can be wonderful AND we might not be able to be in close relationship with them and be happy. 

The money issues you raise are real. You do NOT want to depend on him for money because he's already stressed. He is barely taking care of himself money wise. Blunt translation: of course, you can't depend on him for money and doing so will only make both of you miserable. Hidden thought: he doesn't sound self-aware enough to anticipate how he will feel if you move in. Second hidden thought: I don't think you believe he's all that smart in how he thinks about and approaches his business and his money. Check for those hidden thoughts! Bring them out from beneath the rug and shine a light on them. If these thoughts are wrong, you'll be able to see that. But drop any guilt for being critical of him.  

My recommendation: delay the move. Apply somewhere locally. Ask for permission to enroll in the school near him in fall 2024 or winter 2025. Take a good year to allow yourself to honestly study him when you visit and be honest about what living with him will be like. A good experiment would be to go there for a longer visit. Like,  can you visit him for a month? That would be a great experiment. 

The main challenge for you (and people in your situation) is to allow your critical voice to speak its peace without shutting down because you like him and he likes you. 

TLDR: Moving away from all you know to be with a man who is financially struggling and who complains and gripes all the time would be disaster. And time to start thinking seriously about whether this relationship is really long term. 

 

 

Thank you for putting in your perspective. There are some things you said that I feel don’t completely align but it’s because we’re missing more context here. So some quick things about him:

- He is an extremely creative and smart human being. When we talk, his ideas are always up in places I feel the average person would struggle to understand. He has so much potential to create an amazing life based on his drive and ambition. He truly puts in the work, unfortunately, life always deals a bad hand. That’s a whole other story I won’t get into but the things that happen around him I can’t comprehend why they happen. Just freak stuff and random bad news. 

- He’s extremely frugal! Like I’m frugal but this man is much more frugal than me. He will not spend money all willy nilly and I do like that about him. But sometimes I feel that gets in the way because he tends to bring up the costs of a lot of things we consider buying. I guess that again just stems from being tight on money and it forces me to just blurt out that I would pay for it even though I know I shouldn’t do that. Working on it. 
 

- He’s actually very excited about me moving in. He lives alone and does not have a good friend system because again dealt a bad card in that area too. People are crappy to him even though he tries to be a good friend. He feels that at least having me he would be able to cope better with a lot of things. Not because he wants someone to vent to in person all the time but to just be near someone and have that physical touch that we never get to have being in an LDR. Ever feel like you don’t want to talk but rather just have company? 
 

I hope this provides better context into who he is. I do thank you for some points you made, I’m just struggling to understand myself and what I want. I love him, not having him would feel like a piece of me is missing. But I have to consider the worst scenario happening to me living with him and if I would be able to survive that. If WE would be able to survive that. Among other things. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Of course your man has strengths! Of course! I assume you wouldn't be dating him if he was a total loser.

I don't believe in "potential" when it comes to dating. You want to date someone based on who they are right now.  Of course, some people haven't achieved success in their lives (however they define it) but you can look at what they're doing NOW and see clearly that they are making all the right decisions and choices and so success is very likely to come. In this case, you credit the person for what they are doing now (even if the results are in yet). You'll even be impressed by their work and pretty confident that they will ultimately "succeed." That's not potential. 

He's frugal. Well if you're going to be dependent on him, then that could be a problem. Is he going to expect you to be as frugal as he is. Get clear on that before moving. Some people spend more than others. Heck very few partnerships have partners that spend the same amount. Sometimes in those situations the more frugal partner can get very self-righteous and shame the other partner. You want to be clear on how you spend and able to defend that to yourself if you move in with him.

As for the run of bad luck ... I don't know. In most of those cases, I have found that the person with the bad luck is somehow making bad decisions. Sometimes the flaws in their thinking are subtle. For example, part of life is anticipating where things can go wrong and choosing carefully so that you have some room for error. Proceeding without any room for error is not external bad luck.

He has no friendship network because of bad luck--really? How is that bad luck? People are constantly moving and friendships change, so a certain challenge is built into having friends. He has some power there. To me his lack of friends is a red flag. 

But look, you were the one saying you were tired of all his complaining. And something about his obsession about money solving everything doesn't sit right with you. I say pay attention to that. I don't think you want to just sit around passively and listen to him repeat himself. You might need to speak up there and say you don't really want to listen to this all the time. Awkward and hard I know. But very necessary. I had partners who spoke up to me about my line of thinking getting on their nerves. In fact, my ex once called me out of repeating myself obsessively (not just a little bit) when I was in an argument (non-yelling) with her. And she boldly said I had some kind of anxiety and obsessiveness that needed treatment. I took her response seriously and went and got treatment. My life was immediately better. 

A good test for you would be to bring up his money repetition and see what ones. You would be you speaking up and seeing how he responds. That's good practice for you--you don't want to sit silently when someone talks and gets on your nerves. And you'll learn about him. Does he take the insight of this person who deeply loves him (and who he wants badly to live with)--would he take that insight seriously and do some self reflection and consider some changes? Trust me: you don't want to move in and find yourself going on automatic pretending to listen and pretending to be OK with his complaining. 

My main point is to give yourself permission to think critically about him and the relationship.  The idea that you can't imagine your life without him--I hate to tell, that's just a delusion that often comes with early or first love .There is not once ounce of reality or truth behind that thinking, however real and convincing it feels. 

At least give yourself permission to think about delaying the move and to test the relationship a little bit. If you're going to leave your own support system, you want to make sure there is something spectacular and safe on the other end. 

 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Luuluu said:

 If his finances don’t straighten up it’ll be hard for me because I’d be relying on him while I’m in school. I don’t want to be a burden to my parents asking for money when I run out of my savings and he can’t help. 

Please reconsider moving in and hoping he supports you financially. If you like the program you were accepted to, look into scholarships, working and finding affordable or student housing.  Crash landing into his place would be difficult enough but expecting someone with financial difficulties to support you could cause stress and resentment for both of you. Please reconsider more viable plans.

[basil67]

Luuluu, please think twice before doing this.  A lot of what you've written about him also describes my ex-husband.  (Ex being the operative word).   When you're with someone who's negative and cynical, they can drag you down with them.  And while it's good to be careful with spending, it can get so depressing when it's decided that a date night can't be afforded, and that a nice pair of shoes is out of the question.  Honestly, this was probably the worst time of my live...and the stress of it made me end up chronically run down and with stress related physical symptoms.  Thankfully the illness rectified itself when I left the marriage

If you move in with someone so frugal, you MUST have your own income.  Otherwise you will end up with so much resentment for having to go without the things which you would reasonably have purchased for yourself.  Perhaps do your program over a longer period so that you can work a part time job to support yourself. 

Edited July 6, 2023 by basil67

[JTSW]

It sounds like you expect everyone to financially support you.

What about financially supporting yourself?

Maybe you could rent your own place there so neither of you feel burdened.

Get a job there as well as your nursing programme. 

Edited July 7, 2023 by JTSW

[FMW]

This probably isn't helpful in that you've already made plans to start the program and won't have money to support yourself, but I think living together is premature when you're used to having only limited (once a month) constant exposure to each other.  As you realize, you don't know what that experience will be.  Living so far apart (requiring flying to be together) doesn't provide the ability to work into it naturally by gradually spending more and more time together.  Making this move when he's experiencing an increase in financial stress already is also not a good idea.  Financial incompatibilities are high on the list of issues that can result in breakups.  

As has been noted, you cannot be the impetus behind him being happy or content - that can only come from inside himself.  Over-functioning to be an emotional caretaker is exhausting and certainly not conducive to being successful in your nursing program.  The lack of friends is something you should pay more attention to as well and not put it off to others (everyone)  not treating him well.  Lacking the ability to sustain friendships probably involves issues that you yourself are experiencing with him, and possibly others of which you aren't yet aware.  

As has been suggested, give this serious and honest thought.    

[Els]

I'm assuming that you actually WANT to be in an accelerated nursing program and would be doing it regardless of whether you were with this guy or not, and that the only decision you are making based on him is the location of the program. Is that correct?

If so, I wouldn't say it's the worst decision in the world. Yes, moving in together tends to make or break a LDR. When you look at it from a different perspective, that's actually a GOOD thing. LDRs are a sacrifice. IMO, it's better to know now whether you two are going to be compatible for the long haul IRL or not, than to hang around in a LDR for another 1.5 years and then discover that you're incompatible after that.

My main question to you would be how irreversible this decision would be. Do you have the savings (or ability to transfer schools) to complete your nursing program regardless of whether you break up or not? If so, I think you should just go for it. No matter what happens, you are coming out of this with your qualifications, and you will know for sure whether this relationship is right for you - that's a win-win. On the other hand, if it would jeopardize your career should you two break up, then I think you should strongly reconsider.

But if you do decide not to move, then I think you should just break up. You have been long distance for 2 years - that's a long time. If you extend it for another 1.5 years, you would have spent more than a third of your twenties in a long distance relationship that might just crash and burn the moment it turns into an IRL one... and as a person who spent a lot of my 20s in LDRs myself, I would not recommend it to anyone. To be fair, I don't regret my last LDR, since it turned into my marriage of over a decade... but I do regret my first two - I missed out on so many experiences that single 20-somethings in college get, because I was holding out hope that my LDRs would work out. LDRs are a bit like starting a startup, really. You want to know ASAP whether this is gonna work, and it's a lot better to fail early than it is to fail late, because at least then you're not pouring resources into something that was never going to make it.

Edited July 13, 2023 by Els

[Luuluu]

2 hours ago, Els said:

If so, I wouldn't say it's the worst decision in the world. Yes, moving in together tends to make or break a LDR. When you look at it from a different perspective, that's actually a GOOD thing. LDRs are a sacrifice. IMO, it's better to know now whether you two are going to be compatible for the long haul IRL or not, than to hang around in a LDR for another 1.5 years and then discover that you're incompatible after that.

You know, while I appreciated everyone’s two cents on this topic, I definitely am starting to see things this way. I talked about this with my mom and she said very similar things to what you said. If things go south in my relationship, yes, I have a place to come back to. My safety net will still be my hometown. My career won’t be jeopardized either, I’m going to a great university where he lives and I’ll be getting a fantastic education. So even if we didn’t make it, I’ll leave with my nursing degree and find a job back home no sweat. I agree that it is better to know now. My mom thought that this would be the true test to our relationship, whether we truly are compatible or not. If it doesn’t work out, I have a place to come back to and I can secure a job.

I’ve also talked to my boyfriend since making this post and we decided that if I didn’t do this that we wouldn’t last another 1.5 years. Every year it has gotten increasingly hard being apart. While we love each other deeply, it’s difficult to go months without seeing each other in person. He’s a physical touch person so this has been hard on him. People have their needs and there’s nothing wrong with that. I appreciate those telling me not to go because of their experiences and what could happen, but I’m deciding to take the leap of faith here and go with this perspective. Thank you! 

[Els]

2 minutes ago, Luuluu said:

You know, while I appreciated everyone’s two cents on this topic, I definitely am starting to see things this way. I talked about this with my mom and she said very similar things to what you said. If things go south in my relationship, yes, I have a place to come back to. My safety net will still be my hometown. My career won’t be jeopardized either, I’m going to a great university where he lives and I’ll be getting a fantastic education. So even if we didn’t make it, I’ll leave with my nursing degree and find a job back home no sweat. I agree that it is better to know now. My mom thought that this would be the true test to our relationship, whether we truly are compatible or not. If it doesn’t work out, I have a place to come back to and I can secure a job.

I’ve also talked to my boyfriend since making this post and we decided that if I didn’t do this that we wouldn’t last another 1.5 years. Every year it has gotten increasingly hard being apart. While we love each other deeply, it’s difficult to go months without seeing each other in person. He’s a physical touch person so this has been hard on him. People have their needs and there’s nothing wrong with that. I appreciate those telling me not to go because of their experiences and what could happen, but I’m deciding to take the leap of faith here and go with this perspective. Thank you! 

Happy to hear that. For what it's worth, my husband and I were in a LDR for 2 years, so I can definitely empathise with how rough it is to not be able to touch or hold your partner. We've since closed the distance and been together for 15 years now, so it was eventually worth it, but DAMN the long distance part was hard.

If it won't jeopardise your career, I think you should definitely go. I won't lie, many LDRs don't survive moving in together, but as you say, even if it doesn't work out, you'll have your dream career and a qualification from a great school. You could also make new friends there, or if things don't work out with this guy, you could meet someone new. IMO, it's always nice to experience living in a different place away from your home town, when you are in college.

All the best!

[Luuluu]

49 minutes ago, S2B said:

Since you decided to do the program and move with him - adjust your expectations knowing he isn’t a guy who is willing to spend any money.

frugal is one thing - stingy is another and he may be stingy - seeing that HE never made that effort to travel to you. 

Don’t  expect much. That way you won’t be disappointed.

 

He’s definitely not a stingy person, just frugal. He has traveled to me a few times, however, we’ve had conversations about this and it was in both of our best interests financially if I traveled to him mostly. I’m a frugal person anyway so him being frugal does not bother me. I don’t expect a stranger to understand my decisions but thanks anyway.  

[glows]

Have a back up plan please. Have access to funds if you don’t have enough savings for the time being through a line of credit at least and discuss your financial situation with your bank. If the shared living situation becomes unbearable, abusive, unable to live with this person praying alone will not help you. Be a bit more pragmatic and work on a plan b. 

I’d look at jobs in the area and begin sourcing something in the healthcare field, immediately volunteer if you can’t work in healthcare and also look at part time jobs. Look at cheaper housing options through word of mouth on campus or discuss with your program counsellors. Search scholarships and bursaries. This was eons ago - back then I was able to both live and work on campus with housing 100% subsidized by the university meals included. Don’t assume anything. Ask. Keep looking at alternate options and be safe.

[glows]

Also congratulations on acceptance to the program!

[Luuluu]

4 hours ago, S2B said:

So if you already had your answers; why did you post here?

I had asked for advice? Not sure if you read or skimmed my friend. 

[Luuluu]

3 hours ago, glows said:

Have a back up plan please. Have access to funds if you don’t have enough savings for the time being through a line of credit at least and discuss your financial situation with your bank. If the shared living situation becomes unbearable, abusive, unable to live with this person praying alone will not help you. Be a bit more pragmatic and work on a plan b. 

I’d look at jobs in the area and begin sourcing something in the healthcare field, immediately volunteer if you can’t work in healthcare and also look at part time jobs. Look at cheaper housing options through word of mouth on campus or discuss with your program counsellors. Search scholarships and bursaries. This was eons ago - back then I was able to both live and work on campus with housing 100% subsidized by the university meals included. Don’t assume anything. Ask. Keep looking at alternate options and be safe.

I appreciate your input, I don’t have concerns of possible abuse or anything of the sort. As for finances, I have considered looking into a part time job. I decided that I want to start the program and feel it out for a couple of months prior to looking so I don’t jeopardize my grades if it’s not possible to juggle both. If a job is not possible I have a support system. Thank you! 

[basil67]

I understand you needing a support system to take on this study, but kindly, a boyfriend of two years (and who's business is struggling!) is not the right person to do that.   

Supporting a partner while they study is an investment in the couple's future, and something generally only taken on by those who are both married and very solid.   Thing is, if the relationship was to end, of all that money he spent supporting you is lost and he'd get absolutely no return on it.  This would be so unfair, and yet another bad thing to happen in his world. 

Your best options are to get an an accelerated program near your parents.  Or if you choose to move, find an extended program so that you can support yourself while you learn.

As a side discussion, there's that thing you wrote about about life dealing him a bad hand.  That he's offering to do this does give insight into poor decision making on his part.  He's gotten so very excited at the prospect of having you around that he's not thinking about the risk should this relationship end and the extra resentment this could cause.  And given that he's already counting every penny, he hasn't thought about the extra cost of having you live with him.

 

[Wiseman2]

On 7/13/2023 at 3:35 PM, Luuluu said:

. My safety net will still be my hometown. I’ll leave with my nursing degree and find a job back home no sweat.. If it doesn’t work out, I have a place to come back to and I can secure a job.

It's great you have a safety net and your parents will be there for you. This seems like a test drive so you can always go back home.  Maybe it's what you need to confirm whether you're compatible or not. 

Try to think of it as more of an extended visit, experiment and adventure. 

Keep in mind, he has nothing to lose since you're the one uprooting yourself for this. But then again leaving is as easy as calling home for your ticket back.

.It's almost like going away to college for the first time and living with a BF with the safety net of parents always there. 

Edited August 6, 2023 by Wiseman2

[glows]

6 hours ago, Luuluu said:

I appreciate your input, I don’t have concerns of possible abuse or anything of the sort. As for finances, I have considered looking into a part time job. I decided that I want to start the program and feel it out for a couple of months prior to looking so I don’t jeopardize my grades if it’s not possible to juggle both. If a job is not possible I have a support system. Thank you! 

Which support system is that? Just curious as you’re living away from family and have no source of income while you are living with him. Ironically the relationship not working out could potentially be as jeopardizing to your program if not more than a job supporting yourself. 

There are concerns about his financial stability and stress levels. Do you think moving in and adding to his bills but not contributing to payment would strain the relationship? Have you considered that this is a potentially volatile and unstable situation?

Im not knocking on the relationship here. This is only an outsider’s view. If I had a daughter I’d be concerned, to tread with caution.

Edited August 6, 2023 by glows

[giotto]

It's only 15 months. Move in, do your program and see how it goes. The financial instability is worrying, though.

[Luuluu]

6 hours ago, glows said:

Which support system is that? Just curious as you’re living away from family and have no source of income while you are living with him. Ironically the relationship not working out could potentially be as jeopardizing to your program if not more than a job supporting yourself. 

There are concerns about his financial stability and stress levels. Do you think moving in and adding to his bills but not contributing to payment would strain the relationship? Have you considered that this is a potentially volatile and unstable situation?

Im not knocking on the relationship here. This is only an outsider’s view. If I had a daughter I’d be concerned, to tread with caution.

I understand where you’re coming from. I have savings but currently trying to work super hard to build it as much as I possibly can before I leave. I will be contributing to food costs. As for the support system, if push comes to shove then my dad is able to help by sending me money monthly. Although I am trying not to go that route because I’d rather exhaust all of my options before just running to my parents. But I know that if I ever got into a dire situation where both of us were financially strapped that him and I have parents who can assist. 
 

I know from an outsiders perspective this seems concerning and I agree with you, it’s why I posted for advice in the first place. It’s unfortunate what this recession has done to a lot of industries, he did extremely well last year where money problems wasn’t even a thought. Now it’s completely different. Though I know for a fact that he’s working super hard to make ends meet for himself right now and build his wealth again. All of this is because he wants to be able to provide for me and not be in a position where we have to worry about finances next year. If he wasn’t driven to do anything about his situation and decided to stay broke and wallow in sadness because he’s sitting on the couch and nothing is happening then that would be easy, bye bye! LOL. 

[Luuluu]

4 hours ago, giotto said:

It's only 15 months. Move in, do your program and see how it goes. The financial instability is worrying, though.

It’s something that’s being worked on, I wouldn’t go if I knew he had no desire to fix the situation. I’ve made my plan A,B,C just in case! Thanks for the input. 

[Luuluu]

11 hours ago, S2B said:

How much per month do you plan to contribute to his household/expenses? Have you agreed on a number you’re both satisfied with?

We decided that I’m just contributing to food. I’m still working on building my savings as much as I can to have at least 1k a month to use for food and anything else we might need. I’m lucky his area is much much cheaper than where I live currently. 

[Luuluu]

12 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's great you have a safety net and your parents will be there for you. This seems like a test drive so you can always go back home.  Maybe it's what you need to confirm whether you're compatible or not. 

Try to think of it as more of an extended visit, experiment and adventure. 

Keep in mind, he has nothing to lose since you're the one uprooting yourself for this. But then again leaving is as easy as calling home for your ticket back.

.It's almost like going away to college for the first time and living with a BF with the safety net of parents always there. 

Exactly what my mom and some others have told me! Appreciate the reply.

[glows]

1 hour ago, Luuluu said:

I understand where you’re coming from. I have savings but currently trying to work super hard to build it as much as I possibly can before I leave. I will be contributing to food costs. As for the support system, if push comes to shove then my dad is able to help by sending me money monthly. Although I am trying not to go that route because I’d rather exhaust all of my options before just running to my parents. But I know that if I ever got into a dire situation where both of us were financially strapped that him and I have parents who can assist. 
 

I know from an outsiders perspective this seems concerning and I agree with you, it’s why I posted for advice in the first place. It’s unfortunate what this recession has done to a lot of industries, he did extremely well last year where money problems wasn’t even a thought. Now it’s completely different. Though I know for a fact that he’s working super hard to make ends meet for himself right now and build his wealth again. All of this is because he wants to be able to provide for me and not be in a position where we have to worry about finances next year. If he wasn’t driven to do anything about his situation and decided to stay broke and wallow in sadness because he’s sitting on the couch and nothing is happening then that would be easy, bye bye! LOL. 

Hopefully he has a back up plan if things fall through. This is devastating to hear and I’m sorry about how things are going with the business. It’s good that you’re contributing to food. I would not contribute to the household as in furnishings and other items if it’s not your permanent residence.

I think it’s always a good idea to source a counsellor for ie on campus. Treat it as important as knowing where your nearest hospital or clinic is, where the shops are for food or a local dentist. If you need someone to talk to, on campus counselling can help and it’s often free for students.