Mentioning disabilities to a Match

[Sony12]

When do you think is a good time to mention disabilities to a Match and in certain instances possibly not mention it at all.

There is a very wide range of levels of disability. Some are pretty severe while others are pretty mild and the people that have them can still be even more fit and capable of getting around than people who technically have no disabilities at all.

Myself for instance I was born with a mild disability where I do have limited use of one of my hands (my leg is affected somewhat but it is so mild that I can still run faster and get around better than many people with two good arms and legs).

When I was a teenager I was considered one of the best 'potential'  Paralympic athletes in the country. I was part of a small group that they had selected to develop for the next Paralympic competition. They paid our way to go to meets and training facilities all over the country and even to the World Championships in Germany.

I myself didn't end up making the Paralympics mainly because I refused to transition into a long distance runner instead of a sprinter and I would have had more potential as a long distance runner at the International level of competition.

So basically I'm saying even though I technically have a mild disability I'm still more fit and able to get around even better than many people with no disabilities at all. And I also come from a family where both my brother and sister played college athletics.

Because of all that I didn't really feel it was necessary to mention it at all prior to meeting as I feel I would be more attractive than many of the other men women would meet through online apps. And the vast, vast majority of the time this seems to be the case as very few of them mention anything about it at all. And most of the time when they do ask something along the lines of what happened to my hand it was while we were physically involved or after it was over. I would tell them and they didn't seem to be bothered much by it and we would continue on doing what we were doing during the date. Now I'm sure there might have been a few instances in the one and done dates I've had that that may have played a part in why a second date didn't happen. But in general a big deal has never really been made about it.

A few months ago I did go on a date with a lady and she did make a big deal about it. She outright said 'why didn't you say something about it' and the date pretty much ended right there. There were a lot of other things I believe that went along with it namely she was a widow whose husband had died not long before and I was one of the first guys she had met up with since. Plus her husband had physical problems (though a lot more severe than mine) for quite awhile before he died. Plus the whole online dating thing was pretty awkward for her anyways because last time she was single was before online dating was even around. So all those things played into it as well.

But it did get me thinking that maybe I should just say something about it real quick prior to scheduling a date just so there aren't any surprises. Because even though many might not be bothered by it it at the same time it might upset some that it wasn't mentioned. And who knows maybe telling the athletic endeavors I told here will impress them. I really haven't said much about it as of yet because it really isn't that big of a deal and I indeed would be a more enjoyable guy to be around than many of the other men they would meet. And I didn't want them to make any assumptions prior to actually seeing me.

 

[Gaeta]

Up to now it was not an issue so don't let 1 bad experience make you feel like you have to warn people ahead if time like you're contagious or something. Heck! I carry a contagious virus and l told my dates on our 3rd meeting, not once someone told me l should have told then before meeting. 

If it's not a big deal for you then don't make a big deal and don't announce it. 

[Sony12]

19 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Up to now it was not an issue so don't let 1 bad experience make you feel like you have to warn people ahead if time like you're contagious or something. Heck! I carry a contagious virus and l told my dates on our 3rd meeting, not once someone told me l should have told then before meeting. 

If it's not a big deal for you then don't make a big deal and don't announce it. 

That's true. I was just curious what people thought about the situation. Many people aren't a 100% honest about things when it comes to online dating (heck there is a reason why many people don't show full body photos on their profile).

Edited July 5, 2023 by Sony12

[Wiseman2]

17 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

 there is a reason why many people don't show full body photos on their profile.

Do you have full body pics and a variety of pics on your profile?  That woman was rude.

  If your pics depict you accurately, you don't have to mention it until meeting in person. Perhaps a pic at one of the athletic events?

[Sony12]

5 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do you have full body pics and a variety of pics on your profile?  That woman was rude.

  If your pics depict you accurately, you don't have to mention it until meeting in person. Perhaps a pic at one of the athletic events?

 

Yep I have full body pics up. That is an idea to post one of the meet pics (there was a closeup pic of me taken where I was wearing U.S.A. uniform (I might have to see if I can track that pic down as it was taken when you still were taking hard copy photographs).

[smackie9]

dating can be brutal whether you have a disability or not. Everyone has bad experiences. Dust yourself off and keep at it. 

[Sony12]

18 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

dating can be brutal whether you have a disability or not. Everyone has bad experiences. Dust yourself off and keep at it. 

 

Yep. And it's likely that the people who would make a big deal about something like that might be a little prejudice. I could see it being necessary to mention it if a disability prevented them from doing normal dating activities. But if it doesn't prevent much of anything at all and you are still able to get around as well as your dates are it likely isn't necessary to say anything about it (infact not saying anything about it might be better because if you do it might make your date think you are making a big deal about it).

Edited July 5, 2023 by Sony12

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm of the school that says disclose that info right up front in your profile, so you can scare off all the people who have a problem with it.  I say disclose not because you owe that to the other person. No, you disclose because you owe it to yourself as part of your deep self acceptance and confidence.

You disclose your condition in your profile and also include what you say here--you describe all of what your body can do and all that you've accomplished and your athletic feats and the rest of your strengths. But actually reverse that. Talk about all your achievements and strengths and interests and so on ... And at the end put in the condition with your hands. Put it there so people can't really miss it. But AFTER all your achievements. 

My thinking is you don't want to go into a date hiding anything. You don't go in with the burden of showing people that the condition isn't a big deal. No, you go in with total confidence about who you are and part of confidence is not hiding anything, not weight, hair loss, physical differences, not your income level, having a child and so on. Also being up front with your difference (after all your accomplishments) will attract people who are comfortable with difference. 

But that's me. The question is: which strategy leads you to be more confident?

 

Edited July 5, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[Sony12]

Thanks and just to clarify it's just one of my hands that I have limited use of. My right hand is completely normal.

[Calmandfocused]

Op we all have “something different” about us that makes us unique. 
 

I’m not talking about disabilities necessarily, I’m talking about imperfections - something that we all have. 
 

You could meet a woman who appears perfect physically (unlikely) but I guarantee that she won’t be. How does that make you and her different? Two words - it doesn’t. 
 

It’s your choice what you want to disclose to people before you meet them. You are under no obligation to tell a stranger anything personal about you. 
 

Be proud of who you are. If someone chooses not to accept you for who you are, make the choice not to accept them either. Simple. 

Edited July 5, 2023 by Calmandfocused

[mtnbiker3000]

Be honest with everyone. Be open with those you want to become close with!

[Ami1uwant]

I have disabilities.

 

the question is how obvious is it? Does it restrict your activities you would do on a typical early date?

 

can it affect lifestyle choices?  For example I have allergies including dogs snd cats.  I generally can’t live with them?..so I avoud dating the crazy cat lady.

[Sony12]

44 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

I have disabilities.

 

the question is how obvious is it? Does it restrict your activities you would do on a typical early date?

 

can it affect lifestyle choices?  For example I have allergies including dogs snd cats.  I generally can’t live with them?..so I avoud dating the crazy cat lady.

It's noticeable however it in no way restricts anything we would do on a regular date. If a lady was big into rock climbing or things like that that would require all four limbs to be in good shape I probably wouldn't be a good match in that situation. But I am more mobile than many of the women I would go out with anyways. I am not restricted in bedroom activities in anyway (infact I have become a pretty talented kisser and I have had some remarks while a lady and I were making out that I have had some practice at this hadn't I). Only thing is is that it is noticeable that I can't use my left hand as well as my right.

Edited July 6, 2023 by Sony12

[Alpacalia]

Your medical information is confidential and personal, and when and how much of it you share is entirely up to you. 

I mean, if you're on a first date with someone and you're not totally into your date and don't plan to see them again you don't have to disclose your disability at all. However, if you feel strongly about the person and may like to progress the relationship it's important to at least mention your disability at some point. Start gradually by introducing the topic during conversations. Talk about it in a relaxed manner to show that it's a part of you and that you're comfortable with it.

Let them learn about it over time as you get to know one another. Keep in mind that disclosing your disability is personal, so make sure it’s someone you feel you can trust. In the end, how and when you share your disability is up to you. It’s important to be open and honest but also that there is more to you than just your disability.

Edited July 6, 2023 by Alpacalia

[glows]

She probably overreacted or panicked having been down a similar route in the past. As Smackie says dust yourself off and carry on. Hopefully you’re matching based on compatible values, lifestyle and interests. 

Some people like to chit chat for longer before meeting. If you’re like that then yes disclose it earlier in a call at least. I do believe meeting within a few days of matching when using a dating app eliminates all this chit chat beforehand and you can share that in person and way less investment on either of you. I don’t think it’s fair to let’s say chat for days and weeks or even months as some are apt to do and then meet in person to spring on any issue of disability. 

[Sam2020]

I met a guy from OLD, we arranged to meet for coffee.  Beforehand, he told me that he'd had a stroke and his right arm and leg didn't work quite the same.  I appreciated his candor and said that we should meet anyway.  I think being upfront is best.