Showing affection in front of his kid

[Lorenza]

I wonder when is it ok to show affection in front of your partner's kid? We've been hanging out quite a lot lately and have sleep overs each time (the kid, almost 6, still sleeps with his dad and I sleep in a separate room, which is totally ok for me - will wait until his kid will want to sleep separately himself). The kid likes me a lot too and is always looking forward to me coming over. What I'm worried about is that my boyfriend doesn't act like I'm his girlfriend around the kid. It feels like we're just friends and when we spend entire day all together it kinda makes me feel a bit distant. Also - won't it be weird for the kid if we suddenly start showing affection? And I don't mean having passionate kisses lol, just holding hands and small hugs every now and then. If he thinks I'm just a friend, won't he feel betrayed? I don't think it was explicitly told that I'm a gf  

[Sony12]

8 minutes ago, Lorenza said:

I wonder when is it ok to show affection in front of your partner's kid? We've been hanging out quite a lot lately and have sleep overs each time (the kid, almost 6, still sleeps with his dad and I sleep in a separate room, which is totally ok for me - will wait until his kid will want to sleep separately himself). The kid likes me a lot too and is always looking forward to me coming over. What I'm worried about is that my boyfriend doesn't act like I'm his girlfriend around the kid. It feels like we're just friends and when we spend entire day all together it kinda makes me feel a bit distant. Also - won't it be weird for the kid if we suddenly start showing affection? And I don't mean having passionate kisses lol, just holding hands and small hugs every now and then. If he thinks I'm just a friend, won't he feel betrayed? I don't think it was explicitly told that I'm a gf  

Well for starters it's not really good for a kid that old to still be sleeping with a parent. Infact some would probably start getting a little worried about a situation like that. However that is an entirely different topic.

Your situation just depends on what the guy is comfortable with. You can't force him to be more affectionate than he wishes to be. Just try to hold his hand and an occasional quick kiss and if he doesn't seem accepting of that than this probably isn't the relationship for you.

And I honestly would be slightly concerned over a situation where a guy is sleeping with his kid and forcing his actual dating partner to sleep in another room.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Lorenza said:

 the kid, almost 6, still sleeps with his dad and I sleep in a separate room, which is totally ok for me - 

How long have you been dating? How often does your BF have his son there?

Are there issues with the child's mother? It seems he doesn't want the child explaining too much about dad's new GF to your BFs ex. 

Why sleep over if you have no privacy? Can you arrange overnights when his child isn't there?

[Gaeta]

What is his explanation?

6 years old understand divorce and half their friends at school are form divorced parents too. 

Could all this be motivated by his guilt of being a divorced father? Does his ex have a boyfriend? how she's handling it?

[Calmandfocused]

Op, can I first please bring your attention to the terminology that you’re repeatedly using to refer to your boyfriends child - “the kid” Would you like it if your boyfriend referred to you as “the woman”? If anyone referred to you as “the woman”? 
 

just something for you to think about. 
 

The right time to show affection in front of a child is not set by a clock. 
 

However an appropriate time would be when he/ she understands that their “mummy and daddy are not getting back together” . Also when they show clear understanding that you occupy the position as “girlfriend” to their father. 

If your boyfriend has only recently separated from his ex I’d suggest that you give it a bit more time. 
 

[MsJayne]

Your partner’s son is the most important person in his life, and so therefore your partner is probably protecting his son. To children a “friend” is just that, so if you start being physically affectionate it means your partner has to explain adult relationships to his son, and maybe he doesn’t want to inflict that on a six year old. No need to unnecessarily make a child of divorced parents feel threatened by a third party. When, if, the relationship becomes serious and long term the son will know you well enough to accept it without feeling threatened. You refer to the child as “the kid” throughout your post, and the terminology gives the impression you see the child as an inconvenience to your relationship which doesn’t augur well for the future. Of course, your partner may also be trying to hide his new relationship from his ex in which case there’s a deeper meaning to it and that would be something you’d have to discuss with him. It sounds like the real issue is clarifying your relationship status.

[Lorenza]

Wow, I never new that saying “his kid” is somehow negative. In my language it’s a normal thing to say with no negative meaning behind it. Have in mind that not users on this site has English as their first language. Also, nice of the last two commenters to focus on a word I used rather than me caring that the child will feel betrayed or supporting their co-sleeping. About it - the child co-sleeps with his mother too and has shown that he’s not willing to sleep in his own room yet. It feels wrong to force him and I don’t raise this issue. But hey, I called him a kid, so I must not care at all! Also note that the boy likes me a lot, so that might tell you something. I never try to take his fathers attention away. I only want him that I’m his dads partner so we can bond accordingly. He is fully aware his parents won’t get back together. He never mentions his mom with us. 

We’re serious and long term, the ex knows about me since the beginning and also has a boyfriend who their son hangs out with as well, similar relationship length as ours (soon 9 months). No idea if they show affection near him. 

 

[Wiseman2]

5 minutes ago, Lorenza said:

. I only want him that I’m his dads partner so we can bond accordingly. 

That's really too complicated for a 6 year old. He doesn't have to understand the dynamics of your relationship. "Daddy's friend" is fine. 

Do you feel secure in the relationship? Because this is an adult issue not something to get a 6 year old involved in. If the child likes and accepts you, that's fine at this point.

Try to spend more private adult time together. This is way too soon to try to be a blended family or try to jump in the role of stepmother. Focus on the relationship with your BF, not your relationship with his child.

[basil67]

I would say that the more serious the relationship it, the more appropriate it is to have the child know what's going on.   

If you've been together for months and both of you are feeling really good about it - with no serious fights or doubts - then it's probably OK

Edited July 5, 2023 by basil67

[Gaeta]

36 minutes ago, Lorenza said:

 the child co-sleeps with his mother too and has shown that he’s not willing to sleep in his own room yet.

I am curious about this. The child has a new room at his mother? and a new room at his father?

A child that cannot sleep on his own by 6, in his own bedroom, has issues that should be addressed. 

It's hard to train a child to sleep on his own and often parents give up instead of putting in the extra effort.  Instead of letting the child sleep with him he should starts by laying down on his son's bed with him till he sleeps and slowly get him used to his new room. 

Now, I don't hold the holy truth but my bf has a 6 yo daughter. She knows I am her daddy's girlfriend. I am the only woman my bf has introduced to his children and they are 100% alright with the concept of 'girlfriend'. Bf and I kiss hello and good bye in front of the children and they couldn't care less, they're just interested in where we're going and if we could eat at macdonald. 

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

A child that cannot sleep on his own by 6, in his own bedroom, has issues that should be addressed. 

Not wanting to derail the thread, but just throwing in some cultural sensitivity.   English is not the OP's first language, so it's not out of the question that their cultural norms may be different.   For instance, bed sharing with infants and children is common in Sweden, Egypt and Japan   

 

[Gaeta]

5 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 For instance, bed sharing with infants and children is common in Sweden, Egypt and Japan   

 

Oh really!! Thanks for sharing that! 

[ExpatInItaly]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

it's not out of the question that their cultural norms may be different

Exactly. I was going to say, there is some cultural and linguistic bias going on in this thread! 

To get back to the main point of the the post, OP, what does your bofyriend say when you raise your concerns about this? 

[Lorenza]

33 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Exactly. I was going to say, there is some cultural and linguistic bias going on in this thread! 

To get back to the main point of the the post, OP, what does your bofyriend say when you raise your concerns about this? 

He has a hard time explaining why he doesn’t, says that he thinks about it and agrees that he should. But then it just doesn’t happen. He’s not a confident parent and constantly doubts himself. I just think that having a gf and acting happy around her is a good example for his son, not the opposite. 

[ExpatInItaly]

56 minutes ago, Lorenza said:

I just think that having a gf and acting happy around her is a good example for his son, not the opposite.

I agree with you. 

However, he is the parent and it's up to him. All you can do is decide if that is going to work for you, and how long you will give it until a lack of progress in that direction makes the situation untenable for you. 

[glows]

I think you should discuss with your partner and see what he says.

It may be a total non-issue and not to minimize your concerns which are very valid but you may be overthinking this quite a bit.

If your partner is fine with PDA like handholding, embracing and light kissing here and there, then go for it. I sincerely doubt this will rock the child’s world if he’s well adjusted and as respectful as his parents. 

 

 

[Gaeta]

4 hours ago, Lorenza said:

He has a hard time explaining why he doesn’t, says that he thinks about it and agrees that he should. But then it just doesn’t happen. He’s not a confident parent and constantly doubts himself.

Can he say no to his child? Is the child generally well behaved? Because if the child is just a little bit rebel and dad lacks confidence, the next 20 years will be challenging.

Where you think this lack of confidence comes from?

 

[Liliana09]

23 hours ago, Calmandfocused said:

Op, can I first please bring your attention to the terminology that you’re repeatedly using to refer to your boyfriends child - “the kid” Would you like it if your boyfriend referred to you as “the woman”? If anyone referred to you as “the woman”? 
 

just something for you to think about. 
 

The right time to show affection in front of a child is not set by a clock. 
 

However an appropriate time would be when he/ she understands that their “mummy and daddy are not getting back together” . Also when they show clear understanding that you occupy the position as “girlfriend” to their father. 

If your boyfriend has only recently separated from his ex I’d suggest that you give it a bit more time. 
 

Maybe she didn't want to disclose the child's real name on a forum on the internet , I don't think it's offensive to say " The kid" or " His child"  . Through text/ words on a screen ....non of us knew which tone she used ,and I saw it as a neutral tone .

I've done the same thing , I guess the only other way would be to make up a random name  when talking about someone,but why would we need to ?. 

[Acacia98]

On 7/5/2023 at 5:04 PM, Lorenza said:

 What I'm worried about is that my boyfriend doesn't act like I'm his girlfriend around the kid. It feels like we're just friends and when we spend entire day all together it kinda makes me feel a bit distant. Also - won't it be weird for the kid if we suddenly start showing affection? And I don't mean having passionate kisses lol, just holding hands and small hugs every now and then. If he thinks I'm just a friend, won't he feel betrayed?

I feel like if your boyfriend is not ready to tell his son that you're his girlfriend (in an age-appropriate manner, of course), you shouldn't be having sleepovers. It sounds kind of like he may not be ready to balance his two roles (boyfriend and father), and so he's compartmentalizing your relationship. If you're not comfortable with the situation (and it's clear that you're not), maybe your intuition is warning you that there'll be problems up ahead (for instance, your relationship may not be able to progress as time goes by because he has already decided that he's not going to cross a certain line). So don't dismiss your concerns.

By all means, talk to your boyfriend about your concerns, and observe how things change going forward. And if you ultimately feel like it's not a healthy relationship that has the capacity to progress, it's within your rights to end it.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, Lorenza said:

 I just think that having a gf and acting happy around her is a good example for his son, not the opposite. 

That may be true but it's his son so he needs to make those decisions. You'll have to let him go at his own pace because he's the parent.

Edited July 6, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Lotsgoingon]

I have no problem with you using "kid."  And I have no problem with him having the son sleep with him. But bf needs to be aware of how isolating that is to you, and he should have addressed this issue OPENLY with you. It’s a red flag that he has not initiated a talk with you about this. That suggests some kind of emotional immaturity if you ask me.

Your feelings are quite legit. Definitely bring this up with him ... more of your side, what you feel, less a criticism of him.

I'm of the view that all this worry about affection traumatizing kids is absolute and total nonsense. Seeing affection is not the equivalent of seeing his father engage in violence or assault. Kids (even adult children) sometimes squirm when they see their parents kissing and all of that, but deep down, they know that their parents' closeness and affection is a good thing.  Now, you're not a parent, but the idea that your bf hugging you, holding hands with you, or even gently cheek kissing you will harm this little boy--nonsense!

At the very least, your bf could be hugging you in front of the kid. And holding hands sometimes. That's reasonable. If I were in your situation, I would be very unhappy with the lack of any public affection around the kid. Kids aren't idiots. He knows on some level that you're not a platonic buddy of his dad. Bf's reticence does suggest that he might be ashamed of the relationship with you, that he feels he needs to hide it. BF appears to be working through some kind of compartmentalization of things.

Well if he's uncomfortable with showing any affection around the kid, then he shouldn't be dating you and he shouldn't be having you over the house. Definite red flag, but I’d raise the issue with him and see what he says.

 

 

[Gaeta]

Looks like I missed your last thread. I thought you had been dating this gentleman for a very long time but I read you started dating this new man this past January and you met his son right away. I read your bf was the one wanting the meeting to happen and he was very excited and motivated to introduce his son....and now this!

Sounds to me your boyfriend did everything super fast at first because he was infatuated and excited about having a girlfriend but now 7 months later he's realizing he bit bigger than he could chew. I am now thinking it's not about him being a passive parent, I think it's all about how he feels for you. They say that people treat us the way they feel for us. 

It's too late now but I think you introduced sleep overs way too early. I have been dating a year and we don't have sleep overs with the children yet, we can spend time together and then we both go back to our homes. Are you around every time the child comes over? It's too much for a 7 month relationship. The son needs his time alone with his dad, I say go back home in the evening and let them have their time AND between you & I, if your bf is not affectionate with you, if he has you sleep in a separate bed, honestly he doesn't want you there. 

[BaileyB]

I look at it two ways - 

It’s very healthy for a child to see their parents be affectionate towards each other. It helps them to understand what it is to be in a healthy, harmonious relationship.

That said, you are not his mother. That is the difference. 

We are occasionally affectionate in front of my partner’s teenage son. But, I think about the fact that when I was that age - I don’t like to see my parents show affection (yuck! My parents only had sex twice - once when they conceived me and once when they conceived my brother).  I also think about how I feel when I’m in the presence of others who are not my parents and they are being particularly demonstrative - that doesn’t always feel comfortable either. 

I think it’s important that your partner and his son feel comfortable. Comfort levels with a show of affection will grow with time. But, I would caution that you always be respectful to his son - not everyone wants to see this kind of thing… particularly a child watching his parents/not his parent show affection.

Edited July 6, 2023 by BaileyB

[Lorenza]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

Looks like I missed your last thread. I thought you had been dating this gentleman for a very long time but I read you started dating this new man this past January and you met his son right away. I read your bf was the one wanting the meeting to happen and he was very excited and motivated to introduce his son....and now this!

Sounds to me your boyfriend did everything super fast at first because he was infatuated and excited about having a girlfriend but now 7 months later he's realizing he bit bigger than he could chew. I am now thinking it's not about him being a passive parent, I think it's all about how he feels for you. They say that people treat us the way they feel for us. 

It's too late now but I think you introduced sleep overs way too early. I have been dating a year and we don't have sleep overs with the children yet, we can spend time together and then we both go back to our homes. Are you around every time the child comes over? It's too much for a 7 month relationship. The son needs his time alone with his dad, I say go back home in the evening and let them have their time AND between you & I, if your bf is not affectionate with you, if he has you sleep in a separate bed, honestly he doesn't want you there. 

We started dating in October and knew each other since a while ago. I met his son in April for the first time even though he wanted us to meet earlier and then freaked out a bit. He’s very affection towards me otherwise to the point of just stopping in the middle of the street to kiss me. Overall a lot of effort in every aspect of the relationship.

No I’m not around every time the child comes over at all. Usually me and bf see each other every second week - that is the weeks when he’s free. But now during summer we see each other more often. The boy always nags him about me coming over and has even been acting out a bit when I don’t, so I don’t think the frequency is a problem. He’s extremely social. The first night I was spending there he asked his dad if I can come lay down with him while dad was reading a book for him. But in any case, we don’t spend time together every time he’s at his dad. I don’t have that much energy either

[Gaeta]

@Lorenza Thank you for clarifying. 

What is your gut feeling telling you on this situation?