Being around ex, and ex-friend at concerts

[Scotty Riggs]

A couple times in recent months I’ve found myself alone at concerts that my ex attends, usually with her best friend. I’ve decided to act as though she’s not there, and gaze the other way if she’s nearby. She seems to do the same. I did the oppose in December (I approached her) and we had a fun night together, but I felt so strange in the silence in the following days. In April, we were both alone at the same bar. This time, I pretended she wasn't there, and she approached me and asked to sit by me at the bar. We hung out for the rest of the show, with her asking about what I’ve been up to. I was warm but not overly eager, and we hugged at the end of the night. I also texted her days later because I got COVID, and she was concerned and appreciative, letting me know she tested negative. That was the last of our communications. She had been awkward towards me in public prior to that night, so I decided now to just let her come to me and visit if she chooses, but I won’t approach or say even hi first. Does this seem sensible?

I took this approach this evening. We were very close to each other a few times, but never acknowledged each other. Unfortunately, I also have a friend who suddenly got cold and unresponsive towards me in recent months. She was at the same show tonight with her friends. She walked right by me and didn’t acknowledge me. I feel like I should just pretend we’re strangers.

I did chat with a newer friend at the show who also came along. She invited me hang out a bit after the show, so that helped. Going to a concert by myself leaves me feeling alienated and sad during the show because of these tarnished relationships, and it’s very hard to just enjoy the performance.

Edited July 4, 2023 by Scotty Riggs

[ExpatInItaly]

22 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said:

Going to a concert by myself leaves me feeling alienated and sad during the show because of these tarnished relationships, and it’s very hard to just enjoy the performance.

I would suggest you stop going for a little while, in that case. 

Or don't go alone. It's doing you more harm than good ar this point and doesn't seem to be worth the hassle. 

[Scotty Riggs]

5 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I would suggest you stop going for a little while, in that case. 

Or don't go alone. It's doing you more harm than good ar this point and doesn't seem to be worth the hassle. 

Local shows are a favorite outlet of mine, and I'm struggling to make friendships. I used to attend these venues with the same ex-friend and ex-lover, but now it all feels tarnished. I never would have predicted this circumstance when I started making an effort to become more outgoing and become part of this community.

And how do I handle just seeing these people in public, like community events? 

Edited July 4, 2023 by Scotty Riggs

[glows]

What happened with the other friend that you had a falling out with?

About the ex, I’d treat it as a case by case. So sometimes you may not want to engage with her or you’re busy with other people - that’s fine. Other times you may want to catch up as friends so no issues either. You seem to be overthinking this which leads me to think you may still have feelings for her. Is that the case? 

Enjoy the shows and outings. It’s also a good idea to mix it up and do other things or take a break now and then. Find other communities too. Circle back whenever but it’s not like this is the only group of people you spend time around. 

Edited July 4, 2023 by glows

[Scotty Riggs]

  

13 minutes ago, glows said:

About the ex, I’d treat it as a case by case. So sometimes you may not want to engage with her or you’re busy with other people - that’s fine. Other times you may want to catch up as friends so no issues either. You seem to be overthinking this which leads me to think you may still have feelings for her. Is that the case? 

Enjoy the shows and outings. It’s also a good idea to mix it up and do other things or take a break now and then. Find other communities too. Circle back whenever but it’s not like this is the only group of people you spend time around. 

It feels very all or none. I've considered just giving my ex a light pat on the shoulder and saying "Hey!" with a smile, and leaving her alone after that. She's aloof and can feel socially awkward. She was reeling from a trauma bond when we dated -- probably still is -- so I was a rebound. But yes, I still have feeling for her and wonder if we could ever reunite, even though I know that's not a healthy thought. She seemed to glance my way a few times tonight, but we never acknowledged each other, even when within arm's reach.

13 minutes ago, glows said:

What happened with the other friend that you had a falling out with?

I don't know. She invited me to her house in February, and I'd just been through some hardships and vented to her. Maybe I said something that she found unsettling, like having some anger issues when alone. Before that night, she adored me, but afterwards, she became cold and eventually unresponsive to my text. 

[ExpatInItaly]

13 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said:

I used to attend these venues with the same ex-friend and ex-lover, but now it all feels tarnished.

Hence my suggestion that you stop attending for a while. You're not enjoying them anymore. 

13 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said:

And how do I handle just seeing these people in public, like community events? 

Just keep moving. Say hi if you actually bump into them, but don't engage in conversations - especially not with your ex. 

[ExpatInItaly]

16 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said:

Maybe I said something that she found unsettling, like having some anger issues when alone.

What does this mean? What did you tell her you do when you're alone and angry? 

[JTSW]

Sounds like you're only going there to see your ex.

You're clearly hoping to reconcile but I can't see that ever happening considering she ignores you a majority of the time.

Expat is right, stop going for a while.

[glows]

7 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said:

  

It feels very all or none. I've considered just giving my ex a light pat on the shoulder and saying "Hey!" with a smile, and leaving her alone after that. She's aloof and can feel socially awkward. She was reeling from a trauma bond when we dated -- probably still is -- so I was a rebound. But yes, I still have feeling for her and wonder if we could ever reunite, even though I know that's not a healthy thought. She seemed to glance my way a few times tonight, but we never acknowledged each other, even when within arm's reach.

I don't know. She invited me to her house in February, and I'd just been through some hardships and vented to her. Maybe I said something that she found unsettling, like having some anger issues when alone. Before that night, she adored me, but afterwards, she became cold and eventually unresponsive to my text. 

Um no. Don’t pat her randomly like a puppy and say hey. Actually don’t touch her at all as it can make people feel uncomfortable around you. Some appropriate physical distance is better considering you’re exes. If she looks at you just smile and nod and go about your day/evening. No big deal here. 

Why is it all or nothing? Try not to see things in black and white or extremes. It’s unhealthy and causes stress. It might be causing those anger issues also. Be chill in the grey. 

The relationship didn’t work for a reason so try respecting that. Continue meeting friends and enjoying your life. Again mix things up and meet other people in different groups. Experience new interests. Have your long standing hobbies like going to these shows and learn new things as well. Don’t be stuck in this one world.

Regarding your friend, not sure what happened there. Some people are going through their own problems so give some space like you are and again, mingle around. 

[Scotty Riggs]

56 minutes ago, glows said:

Um no. Don’t pat her randomly like a puppy and say hey. Actually don’t touch her at all as it can make people feel uncomfortable around you. Some appropriate physical distance is better considering you’re exes.

Thanks. But I should say, lightly touching someone's shoulder to get their attention isn't treating them like a puppy. It's a very normal behavior that conveys warmth and kindness. This would not make her anymore uncomfortable than being spoken to in the first place. I didn't say I'd pat the top of her head. Three months ago, she tapped my arm to get my attention and we spent the evening together chatting and then shared a warm parting hug. I didn't feel I was being treated like a pet.

  

56 minutes ago, glows said:

Why is it all or nothing? Try not to see things in black and white or extremes. It’s unhealthy and causes stress. It might be causing those anger issues also. Be chill in the grey. 

I mean whether or not to engage at all. I feel like I have to pretend she's a total stranger and try to turn my gaze away when we're at arm's length, but we're obviously both very aware of each other's presence, especially in such a small audience, and she would have to face my way to talk to her friend. It's uncomfortable and distracting from the concert to be so near a woman I used to share physical intimacy and emotional vulnerability with and pretend we don't know each other.

Edited July 4, 2023 by Scotty Riggs

[Lotsgoingon]

How old are you?

[smackie9]

Don't you have any dudes/buddies to hangout with? Maybe get more involved with making some male friends to change your mopey mindset. 

[Allupinnit]

Going by your post history it seems you're not great at leaving women alone and they might think you're there by yourself to run into them on purpose.

They do not want to see nor speak to you and no, don't go patting them on the shoulder and trying to get their attention in public, either.

Edited July 4, 2023 by Allupinnit

[Alpacalia]

I would remind yourself that you are attending these events to make new connections and have new experiences, rather than rehashing old relationships.

Personally, I wouldn't actively seek out venues or events where my exes are present. It's not about avoiding them, but rather, I simply have no desire to be in those situations, even though I have maintained cordial relationships with my exes for the most part. While I am confident that being at the same venue would be fine, I prefer to focus my time and energy on activities and events that truly excite and inspire me.

If attending concerts is something you genuinely enjoy, don't let the fact that your ex may also like these activities deter you. There's no need to deprive yourself of the things you love simply because they may be present on occasion. 

In this case, if being around your exes doesn't bring you any joy or serve a purpose in your life, it's worth questioning why you would bother. Why not choose to prioritize your own desires and interests over attending events where exes may be present?

Edited July 8, 2023 by Alpacalia