Fwb relationship ended

[Ric123]

I was seeing a girl for 3 months, she is 35 and never had a single serious relationship just fwb type of relationships and short ones. She pointed out all guys that fell for her eventually she ghosted them. 

I got involved with her, no sleep overs, no hanging outside, just Netflix, dinner and sex. She started to warm up and eventually she said we were more than fwb, more like dating. 

Few weeks ago, she said she was having doubts what she wanted from this, that she doesn't have feelings, just liked the sex and my company and if she ever come to the conclusion im not the guy for her future, that she couldn't be fwb forever with me. A week later, she said she feels I want more from this than her and this is starting to be a problem because she is very busy and seeing me twice a week is taking too much of her time. A week ago, Sunday, she called to end things. I broke no contact a week later saying Id be willing to take it slow and she replied it's not gonna work out slow or not slow and that things went too fast too serious and the doesn't want that and no more fwb with me, it wont work out. 

What now? No contact until she reaches out?

[ExpatInItaly]

30 minutes ago, Ric123 said:

What now? No contact until she reaches out?

Nothing but try to accept her decision to move on. 

Definitely don't contact her anymore. You'll need some time to process and detach emotionally. I get that it's disappointing but it's best that she was honest with you that she doesn't want to continue. 

[Ric123]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Nothing but try to accept her decision to move on. 

Definitely don't contact her anymore. You'll need some time to process and detach emotionally. I get that it's disappointing but it's best that she was honest with you that she doesn't want to continue. 

Hard to understand what really happened here? Why she really ended it? Any cha ce she will reach out? Should I reach out in a few months?

[ExpatInItaly]

I am not sure what's hard to understand. She was very clear: you wanted more than she did, and she didn't have the right feelings to continue. 

I don't think she is going to reach out again, no. She seems very sure of her choice. And no, you should definitely not reach out in a few months; there's no point. She would likely only repeat herself that she isn't interested anymore. 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Ric123 said:

Hard to understand what really happened here? Why she really ended it? Any cha ce she will reach out? Should I reach out in a few months?

It's normal you're hangning on to hope, we all do when we are the dumpee. If it helps you to think you could contact her in a year then do that, l promise you in a year you won't even remember her last name and you'll have dated several other women by then.

Edited July 2, 2023 by Gaeta

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Ric123 said:

 she replied it's not gonna work out slow or not slow and that things went too fast too serious and the doesn't want that and no more fwb with me, it wont work out. 

Please take her word for it. She doesn't want the situation anymore even if you do. Don't wait around or keep contacting her. 

[Ric123]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please take her word for it. She doesn't want the situation anymore even if you do. Don't wait around or keep contacting her. 

she knows I have feelings and probably makes her feel uncomfortable having sex with me knowing it. I cant believe she walked away like this easily, she said so many times how good I was in bed and not boring like other guys. and she still walks this easily, makes me wonder if she met someone.

[Wiseman2]

10 minutes ago, Ric123 said:

 she still walks this easily, makes me wonder if she met someone.

Probably so. Whatever the case, she's no longer interested. 

[Sony12]

8 minutes ago, Ric123 said:

she knows I have feelings and probably makes her feel uncomfortable having sex with me knowing it. I cant believe she walked away like this easily, she said so many times how good I was in bed and not boring like other guys. and she still walks this easily, makes me wonder if she met someone.

Maybe she was being a 100% honest with you about that stuff but also keep in mind it very may have also just been lines she was giving you-lines she gives to all the guys she dates.

People who are very active casual daters tend to say things that they think people want to hear regardless if they are being honest about it or not.  Their goal isn't to be honest with you. Their goal is to try to make you feel good during the time they are spending with you.

Chances are very good she will tell the next guy the same exact thing she is telling you.

[Ric123]

2 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Probably so. Whatever the case, she's no longer interested. 

I did a lot of mistakes too, too many texts daily, acting ike a boyfriend too soon, talking about my feelings, etc Always up her a-ss didn't give her the chance to miss me, develop feelings, asking to see me etc

[Sony12]

5 minutes ago, Ric123 said:

I did a lot of mistakes too, too many texts daily, acting ike a boyfriend too soon, talking about my feelings, etc Always up her a-ss didn't give her the chance to miss me, develop feelings, asking to see me etc

If your goal is to become more than a casual partner than you should probably avoid people who only casually date. Generally speaking unless you have something that would truly be difficult for her to find anywhere else you most likely aren't going to get her to stick around.

She's in her mid 30's and is still doing this. She very well may have decided that she doesn't want to get married and enjoys playing the field.

Edited July 2, 2023 by Sony12

[Ric123]

1 minute ago, Sony12 said:

Maybe she was being a 100% honest with you about that stuff but also keep in mind it very may have also just been lines she was giving you-lines she gives to all the guys she dates.

People who are very active casual daters tend to say things that they think people want to hear regardless if they are being honest about it or not.  Their goal isn't to be honest with you. Their goal is to try to make you feel good during the time they are spending with you.

Chances are very good she will tell the next guy the same exact thing she is telling you.

She has this pattern im sure, gets involved with a guy looking for something magical, to test her feelings, and soon enough starts to feel smothered like she is losing her space and walks away. she said one time she was afraid to lose her space. She told me many times she needs her own space and time for her family and friend. I slept over 3 times only and we met around 20 times in 3 months. She said she couldn't fall asleep near me, she really sounds like a dismiss avoidant. 

she didn't want me to sleep over or hang out with me outside, she said she wanted to take it slow to grow feelings an done day we I would sleep over and we would hang out outside, it was all bs, she was just buying time to decide what she wanted. Its sure she liked the sex but eventually knew she had to end it.

I texted her 2 days ago and wished her happy birthday and apologised for some silly msgs I sent breaking no contact trying to change her mind and trying to be fwb again, she replied thanks, no hard feelings and that was all...Im not reaching out again., she if doesn't reach out she wont hear from me again

[Ric123]

5 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

If your goal is to become more than a casual partner than you should probably avoid people who only casually date. Generally speaking unless you have something that would truly be difficult for her to find anywhere else you most likely aren't going to get her to stick around.

I was ok to be just casual, but I felt casual for her want seeing me twice a week, watch Netflix and cook meals for me sometimes order. She started saying she couldn't promise me to meet always twice a week, it was making her feel stressed., She probably wanted sex from me but just once in a while when she was horny not a full twice a week all scheduled weekly. Good chance she met also someone and is just giving me excuses to end it. 

But a month ago our so when things were good still she clearly told me this - "she said she was having doubts what she wanted from this, that she doesn't have feelings, just liked the sex and my company and if she ever come to the conclusion im not the guy for her future, that she couldn't be fwb forever with me" she also said she spoke to her mother about us.

ps. If she met me 20 times in 3 months and we had always 2 to 4 times sex each time, im sure she liked me in bed

Edited July 2, 2023 by Ric123

[Wiseman2]

13 minutes ago, Ric123 said:

I did a lot of mistakes too, too many texts daily, acting ike a boyfriend too soon, talking about my feelings, etc Always up her a-ss didn't give her the chance to miss me, develop feelings, asking to see me etc

You seem to have insight that suffocating her contributed to her ending it. That's a good thing because now you know what not to do next time.

[Sony12]

3 minutes ago, Ric123 said:

I was ok to be just casual, but I felt casual for her want seeing me twice a week, watch Netflix and cook meals for me sometimes order. She started saying she couldn't promise me to meet always twice a week, it was making her feel stressed., She probably wanted sex from me but just once in a while when she was horny not a full twice a week all scheduled weekly. Good chance she met also someone and is just giving me excuses to end it. 

But a month ago our so when things were good still she clearly told me this - "she said she was having doubts what she wanted from this, that she doesn't have feelings, just liked the sex and my company and if she ever come to the conclusion im not the guy for her future, that she couldn't be fwb forever with me" she also said she spoke to her mother about us

Honestly she sounds like a little bit of a mess and that she is way over-thinking the whole thing. Casually dating isn't that complicated. You date someone because you are attracted to them and want to bed them and enjoy their company in the process. But without the idea that it has the potential to get serious. It could last three weeks, three months, or three years depending on the situation.

This is one of the main reasons I date older women who have been around the block more than ladies like this has. They don't overthink it and just take the casual dating for what it is. Plus many of them are more experienced in the bedroom as well.

[Ric123]

10 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Honestly she sounds like a little bit of a mess and that she is way over-thinking the whole thing. Casually dating isn't that complicated. You date someone because you are attracted to them and want to bed them and enjoy their company in the process. But without the idea that it has the potential to get serious. It could last three weeks, three months, or three years depending on the situation.

This is one of the main reasons I date older women who have been around the block more than ladies like this has. They don't overthink it and just take the casual dating for what it is. Plus many of them are more experienced in the bedroom as well.

She is 35 and told me she has slept with over 100 men and never had a single relationship since high school. Im very sure she fears deep connections and sabotages all her flings as soon as the guy shows interest. I know I over pursued her with texts and wanting to see her all the time and initially she went along with it but eventually got smothered. Im guessing she thought something along the lines of why am I meeting this guy twice a week always cooking for him and spending 6 hours each time when I dont have feelings for him? I think it became too much for her and she called the quits. All I can think about is that. She didn't have the feelings for a real relationship and knowing I want more spooked her. She said one time, she was starting to feel bad seeing me on her couch twice a week and me waiting for the day we would become something more and she wasn't sure about that..

Anyways man, im in pain, I really am, I liked her...now im in no contact, and I dont think I will reach out again. Im afraid if I reach out say in 2 or 3 months and she just gives me a cold answer. Im hoping deep inside she misses me and comes around 

Edited July 2, 2023 by Ric123

[Sony12]

5 minutes ago, Ric123 said:

She is 35 and told me she has slept with over 100 men and never had a single relationship since high school. Im very sure she fears deep connections and sabotages all her flings as soon as the guy shows interest. I know I over pursued her with texts and wanting to see her and initially sh went along with it but eventually got smothered. Im guessing she thought something along the lines of why am I meeting this guy twice a week always cooking for him and spending 6 hours each time when I dont have feeling for him? I think it became too much for her and she called the quits. All I think about is that. She didn't have the feelings for a real relationship and knowing I want more spooked her. She said one time, she was starting to feel bad seeing me on her couch twice a week and me waiting for the day we would become something more and she wasn't sure about that..

Anyway man, im in pain, I really am, I liked her...now im in no contact, and I dont thin I will reach out again. Im afraid if I reach out say in 2 or 3 months and she just gives me a cold answer. Im hoping deep inside she misses me and comes around 

She very well may have been really hurt somewhere along the way and has formed the pattern of leaving people before they have a chance to leave her/ or there is something about her that she doesn't want people to learn about. She can have as much sex as she wants but from what you have described it sounds like she's got some life issues she needs to figure out. Dating that much without any of them turning somewhat long-term isn't exactly normal. That's not even normal for people that enjoy playing the field. 

 

[Ric123]

5 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

She very well may have been really hurt somewhere along the way and has formed the pattern of leaving people before they have a chance to leave her/ or there is something about her that she doesn't want people to learn about. She can have as much sex as she wants but from what you have described it sounds like she's got some life issues she needs to figure out. Dating that much without any of them turning somewhat long-term isn't exactly normal. That's not even normal for people that enjoy playing the field. 

 

Thanks man. What now, any point to reach out to her in a few months? or for this to work she needs to reach out and want to work things out with me? whether that is fwb or relationship

Edited July 2, 2023 by Ric123

[Sony12]

1 minute ago, Ric123 said:

Thanks man. What now, any point to reach out to her in a few months? or for this to work she needs to reach out want to work things with me? whether that is fwb or relationship

No. Forget about her. You'd be much better off finding someone new. And to be honest from now on try to make sure the people you get involved with have their heads screwed on straight before getting involved with them. If they want to casually date they are doing so because they currently just want to have a little bit of fun in their lives and aren't necessarily serial daters.

Generally speaking I have found that women who have grown kids and who have already lived that part of their life handle casual dating better than the younger gals do. They often just want a fun attractive guy to have some good memories with and aren't trying to make it far more complicated than it really is.

[glows]

39 minutes ago, Ric123 said:

I know I over pursued her with texts and wanting to see her all the time and initially she went along with it but eventually got smothered. Im guessing she thought something along the lines of why am I meeting this guy twice a week always cooking for him and spending 6 hours each time when I dont have feelings for him? I think it became too much for her and she called the quits. All I can think about is that. She didn't have the feelings for a real relationship and knowing I want more spooked her. 

I doubt you “spooked” her. She doesn’t have deeper romantic feelings for you, period. Maybe your lifestyle and values are a total mismatch. Please don’t go down the rabbithole assuming she has mental health issues or trauma. I do think it was peculiar she discussed her previous partners or sex life with you. You got close to her or so you thought. She was just stating facts, in a somewhat offhand and as if bragging or TMI fashion. I’m not sure why you didn’t find this a massive turn off to begin with as it’s a red flag. 

Why did you agree to an fwb situation if you have more feelings for her? Start being more in control of your reactions and emotions- it’s okay to fall for someone. Step back if it’s not appreciated or reciprocated. She doesn’t owe you a response or any explanations. 

Some issues I’d review:

-why are you pursuing unavailable partners

-why is it so difficult for you to handle rejection (you’ll have to be comfortable with this when dating)

Edited July 2, 2023 by glows

[Ric123]

2 minutes ago, glows said:

I doubt you “spooked” her. She doesn’t have deeper romantic feelings for you, period. Maybe your lifestyle and values are a total mismatch. Please don’t go down the rabbithole assuming she has mental health issues or trauma. I do think it was peculiar she discussed her previous partners or sex life with you. You got close to her or so you thought. She was just stating facts, in a somewhat offhand and as if bragging or TMI fashion. 

Why did you agree to an fwb situation if you have more feelings for her? Start being more in control of your reactions and emotions- it’s okay to fall for someone. Step back if it’s not appreciated or reciprocated. She doesn’t owe you a response or any explanations. 

Some issues I’d review:

-why are you pursuing unavailable partners

-why is it so difficult for you to handle rejection (you’ll have to be comfortable with this when dating)

We were in a circle of friends, and we went home together and had a one night stand. Next day I texted her and asked if she wanted to keep seeing me? she said she was open to it and we made plans for a week later and met at her place again. From there, we started to meet nice a week at her place., Only one time we went for dinner at her friends place. we texted daily.

I deal very bad with rejection yes. Im not saying she has trauma but likely yes, no relationships and over 100 partners, makes me wonder if she gets smothered easily when guys want more. she told me all the guys that wanted more she ghosted them but who knows.

But big yes, I agreee with you 100% she didn't have romantic feelings for me and that was the reason I became a nuisance wanting to see her twice a week

[Sony12]

Hey Ric how old are you if you don't mind me asking? Are you about the same age as this lady?

[Ric123]

10 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Hey Ric how old are you if you don't mind me asking? Are you about the same age as this lady?

Im 41 and she 35.

The urge to reach out and try to fix this is unbearable. Of course I know the only hope I have is vanish completely and hope she misses me.

[glows]

17 minutes ago, Ric123 said:

We were in a circle of friends, and we went home together and had a one night stand. Next day I texted her and asked if she wanted to keep seeing me? she said she was open to it and we made plans for a week later and met at her place again. From there, we started to meet nice a week at her place., Only one time we went for dinner at her friends place. we texted daily.

I deal very bad with rejection yes. Im not saying she has trauma but likely yes, no relationships and over 100 partners, makes me wonder if she gets smothered easily when guys want more. she told me all the guys that wanted more she ghosted them but who knows.

But big yes, I agreee with you 100% she didn't have romantic feelings for me and that was the reason I became a nuisance wanting to see her twice a week

There’s also the issue where you’re sleeping on her couch or hanging out around her house and she is cooking for you. I’d change this approach if you’re looking to date again. Do not do at home dates early on and actually take your partner out. If she’s not interested you have to learn to realize that this person isn’t interested in getting to know you and you’re just a sex buddy. Her cooking for you is very transactional - like paying you for the trouble coming over and for the sex. 

 

4 minutes ago, Ric123 said:

Im 41 and she 35.

The urge to reach out and try to fix this is unbearable. Of course I know the only hope I have is vanish completely and hope she misses me.

Unlikely..she may reach out for sex and pay you with dinner and a place to crash but that’s all this is. When someone is cold or stand offish like this you know there’s not much feeling there. Did you ever take her out or make her feel special? Curious here what have you done for her?

[Ric123]

Sometimes I wonder if I should just text her and open the game and tell her I really like her and saw us together building a future together or if by saying that I risk that she never reaches out not even for sex in the future ?