Affair at work

[Ivana654321]

Hi everybody,

I want to tell you my story,and hopefully seek for some advice.

To be honest,I am a disaster at the moment,but I try to keep up every day because of the girl od 7 that I have.

Few years ago I started working in a company where my father in law worked(this is an international truck business).I was living with a man 2 years younger than me,we had a baby girl.Our marriage was with offs and ons,few times I told him to move out and now when I go to therapy I see the man was and still is a complete narcissist.I worked here and was living a "boring" life,in this dull,without love marriage when I started an affair at work with one of my coworkers.To be honest,this man was/is 9 years older than me,was charming etc,everything that I probably missed with my husband.In this period which I was with my husband,few times I found some messages from other girls,some of them even called me,he never invested in our relationship so to be honest,at first when I started this,I thought,okay,now this is my time now.

This relationship was not supposed to be serious,it was supposed to be only se* and at first it was.I had plenty of time for everything at home,even my relationship with my husband improved,we started going out,on trips etc.This man told me that he need a side piece,he never talked trash on his wife and 2 kids and that was perfect than for me.He told me he does not love her,that he did it several time in their marriage,few years ago and that he waited for some time now to ask me thoughts on this because he was not sure how would I react.

Days and months were going and our relationship was becoming more and more strong.He send good morning texts,we were writing all day long,he called few times a day,in the evening etc.I was catching more and more but I probably at that moment did not realize.He always told me he never felt that way with any of other,that he never spoke or wrote so many with anyone,not even his wife.He told me all his secrets,even that he slept with his wifes sister once,and that his wife does not know that.He talked about everything my husband did not.But as time was running,things were gettinh difficult.We tried to break it up few times,but each time we would come back because seeing or hiring from one another was not an option.He told me about his kids,everything.

But thing at work were getting thougher and my father in law got fired.I was the one who he blamed for this,because our boss preffered the way I worked.The truth is he was very manipulative and boss fired him on that,not because of me.But at that moment,I was the one in charged in the company,and I had so much stress on my back.My affair partner was really helpful then,always there for me and we were even closer.But working 24/7 and a lot of time with him,I did not realize at this moment my marriage was failing.

My husband found a side piece also.He was angry once his father was not working here(he had a big influence on him) and we were falling apart each day more and more.Once I confronted him on her,he said it is nothing important,that he did not plan her(I think it lasted for 3 months) and that it was my fault because I choose businnes over the family.I was crushed.He told me to move out with the things I have but I spoke with my lawyer and stayed until we settled money business.After that,while we were still living together,but like 2 strangers waiting for me 2 move out,he found out about my affair.Someone saw us while we were heading to "our place".From that moment,life was a living hell so I searched for the apartment really fast as I could not take it anymore.Also,the whole company was talking about our affair and now all was out.

Then,after all this circus,my lover,who was always telling me he does not want even to talk about that we wont be a part of each other lifes changes.He was checking less and less,we spoke every day,we slept together etc,but he changed.He told me he thinks he is giving me too much.I asked him but do you care.What now?And he was like-I told you,I wont go home and tell my wife what I did.I asked do you love her-no.But there are kids.I was really angry at him,broke up with him also and send his wife some of the screenshots of what he ever written to me and all he ever said.

Not to have him for me,but just so she can see what kind of a moron is he.She found out,and he called me.He was really in a bad condition,but he told me he will do anything to keep them as a family.And I was in shock.The next evening,his mother in law called me.She was screaming in front of his children that on the phone is daddys who*e,she was speaking both to me and to her daughter,that her daughter is a lady because she does not have to work with him,that it is normal for a man to have a side piece.She put him on the other line(I did not know that) and even told him:I will find you a better mistress,just leave her.I wont let you go from our family,like I put some kind of a spell on him.

After that,I was crushed.I called him,and he did not say anything.He told me that the best is we dont see each other ever,because when we do,things are different.But I could not let it go.

I know in some kind of way,we meant something to each other.I refuse to believe I was nothing to him.Why would he gave me so many of his personal details,his free time etc(we alawys spoke until the moment he got into the house),why.To crush it like I never existed?

We did not hear for 2 months now,saw him 2 times at our company and he finally gave resignation there.

I did not even wanted to say goodbye.My colleague tells me he is different,he was very angry and on the moments sad.I am also sad,I think about him every day and every night,but I do not reach him because of my pride.

He decided to stay with her,he even put a picture from some family re-union with her(you see he is weird at the photo,but just so the public can see that family is "okay").

I started therapy because all of this,I am not felling well and dont know what to do.

My ex husband is acting rude,we must speak because of our kid,and we go day by day.We go to counseling but even there  they told he is narcissistic.

As for my lover,my therapist told me he is a narcis also,but a different kind of.He cut me off like I never existed.

I dont want to beg,I just want to know was he really faking it the whole time?

He left once I was hurting the most and that I can not forget.I think each day does he think of me,does he feel sorry or what.I can not believe what happened with my life.

What would you do on my place?

I go to therapy,try to live normally,even went on a few dates,there is a really nice guy but I still have fellings for my ex-lover and cant let it go.I had also one night stand and then felt even worse.I miss him badly,but at the same time I hate him at the moments.Than I want to tell both of them everything he told me and what he did with me.But then again,I think ah whatever,just stay with her.

How is it possible he stayed with her like nothing happened?Has he lied to me everything?

Ahhhh...I dont know.Any word of advice should cover.

 

Thanks

[Wiseman2]

19 minutes ago, Ivana654321 said:

My ex husband is acting rude,we must speak because of our kid,and we go day by day.We go to counseling 

Sorry this happened. Focus on coparenting only. Don't try to fix or change your child's father and only discuss your child. As far as the lover, delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 

You went down a dark road with a married man because you were in a dark place. Now that you are divorced and away from that, you can free yourself to make better choices in men. Obviously avoid married men and coworkers.

[Ivana654321]

21 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. Focus on coparenting only. Don't try to fix or change your child's father and only discuss your child. As far as the lover, delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 

You went down a dark road with a married man because you were in a dark place. Now that you are divorced and away from that, you can free yourself to make better choices in men. Obviously avoid married men and coworkers.

Exactly.I thought later,I know it is not an excuse,but I cheated 1.5 y because I was in a dark place at home.

On the other hand,I do not understand this other man.Was he really lying on me the whole time?Everything he told me?Everything we did?All was a lie?

Why would he stay at home?He told me that once she knew,he told her that if she want divorce,he will take care of the kids and everythinf and that he understand.The next day he had a change of heart because she decided to stay.In a marriage where your husband has a side chick for some time.Why,to defeat the lover?

Once i found out about my husband,I could not stay with him in the same room.I always wonder how does he do it.Is he really such a bad person?He dismissed me like I dont exist in my roughest time.

I just need some kind of closure.

[ExpatInItaly]

You likely are not going to get closure. Not in the manner you want, anyway. 

Your closure will come from you accepting that this never had a chance of becoming more, and it was always terribly unhealthy for you. This man might have been a catalyst in getting out of a bad marriage, but he was certainly not your future. 

3 minutes ago, Ivana654321 said:

she decided to stay.In a marriage where your husband has a side chick for some time.Why,to defeat the lover?

It's unlikely that her choice had anything to do with you. And really, it's not your business. People stay in broken marriages all the time, for all sorts of different reasons. It might not be healthy, but it's also not your concern. 

50 minutes ago, Ivana654321 said:

I just want to know was he really faking it the whole time?

I doubt he was faking everything with you. However, that also doesn't mean he had any serious intention of being with you on a full-time basis. That part was a fantasy. 

7 minutes ago, Ivana654321 said:

He dismissed me like I dont exist in my roughest time.

The married man? He isn't your shoulder to cry on, Ivana. You had an unrealistic expectation that he would be mindful of your feelings and stick around if you were struggling. It hurts, I realize, but you need to understand that he doesn't care the way you wanted him to. 

It's great that you are free of all this chaos now. I would suggest you stay single for a long while so you can heal, and hopefully make better choices for yourself in the future. 

[Ivana654321]

8 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You likely are not going to get closure. Not in the manner you want, anyway. 

Your closure will come from you accepting that this never had a chance of becoming more, and it was always terribly unhealthy for you. This man might have been a catalyst in getting out of a bad marriage, but he was certainly not your future. 

It's unlikely that her choice had anything to do with you. And really, it's not your business. People stay in broken marriages all the time, for all sorts of different reasons. It might not be healthy, but it's also not your concern. 

I doubt he was faking everything with you. However, that also doesn't mean he had any serious intention of being with you on a full-time basis. That part was a fantasy. 

The married man? He isn't your shoulder to cry on, Ivana. You had an unrealistic expectation that he would be mindful of your feelings and stick around if you were struggling. It hurts, I realize, but you need to understand that he doesn't care the way you wanted him to. 

It's great that you are free of all this chaos now. I would suggest you stay single for a long while so you can heal, and hopefully make better choices for yourself in the future. 

Yes,and I want to be aware of that.But each day I remember everything.We tried to call it off few times,and we would always end up back together.And now it hurts.

But I knew I could not keep it a side piece.I told him now I am single I need something real,if not with him,than with someone else.

I refuse to believe that all was a lie,there was a million examples where he proofed that he cared at that time.But this cut off was really woow.

After that,he started acting rude and blamed me for everything.And I am distroyes.Some days I miss him badly,and some days I want revenge.I want her to know everything that he did,not because of me,but so she can also know who is he.

But then the other day,I think,I wont do that,why would I after all?I will be a bigger person.But in the end,I ended up alone,and he stayed up in his marriage,which he tells is "only for the children".I do not understand this.

 

As for this part,I am aware that better for me to be alone because like written,all I tried afterwards was to forget about him and failed.

This guy is really nice and all,I know it is rude,but I do not feel anything.I dont want to be with him just so I can be with someone.

In may darkest days,I would like to contact my ex mm,but I dont want to get hurt again.However,I see this has a huge impact on my life,because I feel like nothing is moving on from that position.

 

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Ivana654321 said:

I just want to know was he really faking it the whole time?

There are some questions in life that we never really learn the answer too… and this is one of them. 

You need to learn how to move forward without seeking the validation of your MM. He is a known liar, how could you trust what he says to be true? He has played you, he has played his wife… sure, he could offer some kind words and tell you that he had feelings for you but what does that change? Nothing. 
 

1 hour ago, Ivana654321 said:

What would you do on my place?

I would keep my dignity, put my big girl pants on, and move forward. Let this go…

I would continue with the counselling because there is a pattern here of chosing unavailable men and unhealthy relationships. 

Good luck. 

[Ivana654321]

7 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

There are some questions in life that we never really learn the answer too… and this is one of them. 

You need to learn how to move forward without seeking the validation of your MM. He is a known liar, how could you trust what he says to be true? He has played you, he has played his wife… sure, he could offer some kind words and tell you that he had feelings for you but what does that change? Nothing. 
 

I would keep my dignity, put my big girl pants on, and move forward. Let this go…

I would continue with the counselling because there is a pattern here of chosing unavailable men and unhealthy relationships. 

Good luck. 

I dont know,I guess I refues to believe that someone could lie like this.

I believe in good in people and I am aware what I did.But I would never question what I felt.

He told me in the end,that the main problem was me not trusting him.And then I said,but how could I,we are both cheaters.And than it was the classic-but with you I was honest.He even told me he can show me all of hiw wifes messages and calls and everything.That he never lied to me.That he stayed even now when he thinks is too much for him.And that I destroyed him.

I really have mixed feelings here and just do t know how to let go.

I started hobbys,friend again,therapy etc.,but he is always in my head.And then sometimes I think if this was not for real,why would he be.

I am sure in some kind of weird way,he was honest with me.But I have problem getting over it.

[BaileyB]

29 minutes ago, Ivana654321 said:

I dont know,I guess I refues to believe that someone could lie like this.

That famous quote from Maya Angelou - “when someone shows you who they really are, believe them” … She was in an abusive, unhealthy relationship and this was what she learned from that experience.

I too want to believe that people are inherently good. But, this man has proven himself to be untrustworthy. Not good or bad. Untrustworthy. Why do I say that - he has carried on a long term affair while married. He has lied to his wife. And, whether he has lied to you or not, he has hurt you, he has chosen another, he has disrespected you. He blames you. 
 

29 minutes ago, Ivana654321 said:

He told me in the end,that the main problem was me not trusting him. And than it was the classic-but with you I was honest. He even told me he can show me all of hiw wifes messages and calls and everything.That he never lied to me. That I destroyed him.

This is classic blame shifting and gaslighting. It’s all your fault, don’t you know? You didn’t trust him - this man who is cheating and laying to the woman he promised to love and honour forever… You have “destroyed him” - please. He needs to accept responsibility for his decisions - both, to have an extramarital affair and to stay in his marriage. But, married men who cheat tend not to want to do that. When they are caught, they are often quick to throw the other woman under the bus… if only because they are trying to stay in their marriage and it’s the expedient thing to do. 
 

1 hour ago, Ivana654321 said:

He told me all his secrets,even that he slept with his wifes sister once,and that his wife does not know that.

Just rereading your first post - you didn’t see this as a HUGE red flag, an indication of this man’s character?

Honestly, your picker is off, my friend. You have been involved in not one, but two, very unhealthy and dysfunctional relationships. The fact that you (both) had feelings for each other doesn’t change the fact that this was a very unhealthy and dysfunctional relationship. Affairs thrive in the shadows, and they don’t generally stand the test of time when brought to the light of day… that’s exactly what has happened here. The bubble burst, and now you see who he really is - but, will you ever believe that? That’s to be determined…

The decision to move on is exactly that, a decision. 

Edited June 30, 2023 by BaileyB

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, BaileyB said:

you didn’t see this as a HUGE red flag, an indication of this man’s character?

Exactly. OP, this man is awful. 

You both behaved poorly in this situation, yes. But this guy slept with his wife's own sister. That's a special kind of horrible and should have told you something about how selfish, uncaring and destructive he is. 

 

 

[Oldenuff2know]

2 hours ago, Ivana654321 said:

I just need some kind of closure.

Don't look for closure from him. You'll have to satisfy your own need for closure. The hurt and regret will subside with time. For now, concentrate on taking care of yourself mentally and physically. As far as your husband, just concentrate on being a good co-parent. For everything else, communicate through your lawyers, if necessary. 

[Ivana654321]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Exactly. OP, this man is awful. 

You both behaved poorly in this situation, yes. But this guy slept with his wife's own sister. That's a special kind of horrible and should have told you something about how selfish, uncaring and destructive he is. 

 

 

Yes,I know now.

But to be honest,when he told me that,and then told me I never told this to anyone,I felt special.I know,stupid of me.For him,it was a way of showing me how much he trusts me.He always said I believe you more than my wife ever,I never told anybody so many things like I did to you.And I dont know,but I choose to believe him.

 

And now...here we are

[Will am I]

6 hours ago, Ivana654321 said:

Exactly.I thought later,I know it is not an excuse,but I cheated 1.5 y because I was in a dark place at home

In my perception cheating always has reasons on more than one level.

The external cause (like a marriage that isn’t working or a spouse who’s not giving affection) is typically the most shallow cause.

The internal cause is deeper and more interesting because it’s the only thing we can really take ownership over.

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, Ivana654321 said:

To be honest, when he told me that, and then told me I never told this to anyone, I felt special. For him me, it was a way of showing me how much he trusts me. He always said I believe you more than my wife ever, I never told anybody so many things like I did to you.And I choose to believe him.

I fixed that for you, the fact that he shared his secrets with you made you feel special, it made you feel like he loved you more than he loved his wife, and you chose to believe him because that felt really good.

But - what he did was taken straight out of the cheater’s handbook. You see that now - this is very manipulative. In much the same way that a child predator befriends a child - come pet my puppy dog, you can trust me because I’m a nice guy, let’s share this experience together, it’s only with you that I share this special bond… don’t tell your parents, they wouldn’t understand. Manipulative. 

This is the man for whom you are pining… when you see him for the man he truly is, not the man that you thought he was, it won’t be so difficult to let go. 

It’s not the actual man that you want and are having a difficult time letting go - what you are struggling to let go of is how he made you feel and the fantasy that you had created of a future life together…

Edited June 30, 2023 by BaileyB

[BaileyB]

54 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

But - what he did was taken straight out of the cheater’s handbook.

He developed your trust by playing you against his wife. He confided in you, then told you that you were special because no one else knew the things - not even his wife. He told you heinous things - like the fact that he had sex with his wife’s sister - and you thought, he trusts me enough to tell me this very personal secret, I am really special to him and he must really care for me. 

The truth is, he disrespected his wife and he disrespected you. He selfishly pursued his own interest at both of your expense. 

Edited June 30, 2023 by BaileyB

[glows]

His wife and family know what he is and accept that. I’m not sure if there are cultural differences here which is why you’re struggling to understand why his wife would stay with him. There are lots of reasons to stay in an unfaithful marriage: financial advantages (she may not be able to support herself or enjoy her current lifestyle), social pressure and needing to be a full family unit, religious or political or personal beliefs. For all you know his wife detests him and she’s having her own affairs. You don’t know him or his family very well. You thought you could blow up their family but that’s not how it works all the time - this backfired on you and the pain must be double or triple what you were already going through.

To begin with you were hidden and living a hidden romance. Then things were exposed and to your shock, his wife or family doesn’t care enough to dump him or divorce him. He remains in limbo and so YOU seem to also be lingering in limbo. The relationship/affair never progressed to anything. That’s why it hurts so much and that’s why it’s hard to get out of this rut.

What I’d do is start asking myself what I want to see in a partner. Are you divorced yet? Your chances of finding a well put together and well adjusted partner are close to zero as a separated but not fully divorced person. You’re not fully available or single if just separated. Sorry that’s just the law of the game. Try not to be discouraged if you’re mostly meeting total duds.

There’s a light at the end of this. Make sure you’re fully divorced, take care of your daughter and figure out coparenting with your ex. Balance your work with raising your daughter. Once things stabilize and you feel better about yourself then start dating.

[S2B]

Yes, married men lie a lot!

so do married women - when they want to justify an affair.

just divorce your husband.

see a counselor skilled in affairs - you need help moving forward. Otherwise you can expect to cheat again. If that’s the case - don’t get married again.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 hours ago, Ivana654321 said:

,when he told me that,and then told me I never told this to anyone,I felt special.I know,stupid of me.For him,it was a way of showing me how much he trusts me.He always said I believe you more than my wife ever,I

That's why I would seek therapy. 

Your standard for feeling special is way, way too low. He knew exactly how to manipulate you, ,and you fell for it. 

[Ivana654321]

On 7/1/2023 at 1:17 AM, glows said:

His wife and family know what he is and accept that. I’m not sure if there are cultural differences here which is why you’re struggling to understand why his wife would stay with him. There are lots of reasons to stay in an unfaithful marriage: financial advantages (she may not be able to support herself or enjoy her current lifestyle), social pressure and needing to be a full family unit, religious or political or personal beliefs. For all you know his wife detests him and she’s having her own affairs. You don’t know him or his family very well. You thought you could blow up their family but that’s not how it works all the time - this backfired on you and the pain must be double or triple what you were already going through.

To begin with you were hidden and living a hidden romance. Then things were exposed and to your shock, his wife or family doesn’t care enough to dump him or divorce him. He remains in limbo and so YOU seem to also be lingering in limbo. The relationship/affair never progressed to anything. That’s why it hurts so much and that’s why it’s hard to get out of this rut.

What I’d do is start asking myself what I want to see in a partner. Are you divorced yet? Your chances of finding a well put together and well adjusted partner are close to zero as a separated but not fully divorced person. You’re not fully available or single if just separated. Sorry that’s just the law of the game. Try not to be discouraged if you’re mostly meeting total duds.

There’s a light at the end of this. Make sure you’re fully divorced, take care of your daughter and figure out coparenting with your ex. Balance your work with raising your daughter. Once things stabilize and you feel better about yourself then start dating.

Yes,his wife does not work anywhere.Her mother told her then on the phone-you are a lady,you dont have to work while being with him,do not listen to that cheap who*e.I could not believe that someone thinks that way in 2023.The old lady also said,I will find you a better mistress and he did not say nothing.And that was like wow.Really?

 

All he said before and now,just woow.It is though each day,my therapist told me exactly,that she needs him,and in some weird way,he need here.He wont change,not for me or for anybody.

I must take day by day but it crashed me.

[NuevoYorko]

What goes, or went on between him and his wife is not your concern.  You're holding yourself back from getting your life together by focussing on what kind of conversations you believe (how would you know, anyway?) his wife had on the phone with others?

[mark clemson]

On 6/30/2023 at 7:44 AM, Ivana654321 said:

On the other hand,I do not understand this other man.Was he really lying on me the whole time?Everything he told me?Everything we did?All was a lie?

Why would he stay at home?

People change their minds. Imagine you work at a job and you have high hopes (or perhaps modest hopes) for a future with the company. Then things change and they decide (typically reluctantly, although they'll seldom tell you that) to lay you off. Was everything you experienced and hoped for at that job a lie? No. The good things (and bad things) about the job were quite real. As were the paychecks you were depositing in your bank the whole time.

Relationships aren't so different. Any relationship is a mutual decision to continue it. Feelings wax and wane, and circumstances that enable a relationship to continue can change. The vast majority of relationships end. Very few are "devoid of emotion" as sex, romance, and emotion tend to go hand in hand. So no doubt he had feelings for you. Things just didn't pan out.

When an affair is discovered it tends to be a "decision point". Typically (not always), the married AP chooses the marriage. Divorce and splitting up a family etc, is a big deal and there are a variety of other factors at play as well. Quite understandably, as a condition of attempting reconciliation, the BS insists that contact with the former AP end or be reduced to the absolute minimum possible.

The decision's been made and you are on the outside. That doesn't mean nothing was real, it means circumstances changed and your relationship with him ended. Really it's as simple as that.

Although "closure" conversations are nice to have, ultimately closure doesn't come from them. Closure comes from within you, once you fully accept the end of the relationship. That takes time, often more time that we'd like it to, but it does come eventually. Allow for that time and you'll eventually feel you've moved on from this and can live a happier life where you're aren't hoping for something you won't be having.

GL

Edited July 3, 2023 by mark clemson

[JTSW]

On 6/30/2023 at 3:44 PM, Ivana654321 said:

Why would he stay at home?He told me that once she knew,he told her that if she want divorce,he will take care of the kids and everythinf and that he understand.The next day he had a change of heart because she decided to stay.In a marriage

Married men who cheat, lie to get what they want.

He knew how to keep you invested and knew just what to say and do to make you believe it was special.

It wasn't to him, at least not like it was for you.

It was just sex (no matter how much to want to believe otherwise).

Your affair was never going to go anywhere and he would chose his wife and family over you every time.

He clearly lied about no loving her, which he obviously does.

As Wiseman suggested, delete and block him from everywhere and stop stalking his social media.

[BaileyB]

23 hours ago, Ivana654321 said:

my therapist told me exactly,that she needs him,and in some weird way,he need here.He wont change,not for me or for anybody.

Indeed, they are perhaps involved in a very dysfunctional, codependent relationship - in much the same way that you are involved in a very dysfunctional, codependent relationship with him. 

You are not going to move forward until you stop driving while looking through the rear view window… He’s made his decision. It may not have been the decision you were expecting, but it was always a possibility. Now you know, a man who is cheating on his wife is not to be trusted and it’s unwise to plan a future with another woman’s husband. 

Edited July 4, 2023 by BaileyB