Told friend I needed space but now I don't really want to talk again - what should I do?

[PureAppleJuice]

I have known this woman for 10 years. Our friendship was formed and relied heavily on our similar humor and views on the world - we'd often observe things that others didn't, or find specific mundane phrases very funny. She also really has been emotionally supportive at times in the past, and I am honestly grateful for that. 

But, since around 2019/2020, I have found it increasingly difficult to be friends with her. We had had arguments and disagreements in the past but managed to resolve them, somewhat. But I've found it harder and harder to move past certain things, as well as adapt to some of her newly-formed beliefs and interests. 

When we met and in the first few years of our friendship, I was very much a hardcore people-pleaser - I never disagreed with her, nor was I firm or assertive in telling her I didn't like something/telling her something had hurt or offended me. After a short relationship I had that ended very painfully, I was forced to look at my own behavioural patterns, as well as going to therapy, reading, learning about codependency. I learnt that I was extremely codependent and so, started learning how to set boundaries in all of my relationships. 

I remember that she didn't like this. She'd regularly mock/belittle the concepts of boundaries and codependency, asking me why I "viewed everything through a mental health framework", and other similar types of comments. I'd explain to her that I personally felt safe doing that, and that it had helped me immensely to start addressing my issues. She didn't really seem to understand, and would take it as some kind of personal attack, stating that she didn't need to live like that, that she didn't believe in things like that, etc. 

Her new thing became to call me "mean" whenever I'd disagree with her on ANYTHING. If she sent me a song and I said I didn't like it, I'd be called mean, blunt, rude, etc etc. If she told me a joke and I said I didn't get it or find it funny, again, I'd be called mean. It was at the point that I'd have to preface everything with "this isn't a personal attack, but - "

She'd also send me long paragraphs, or block me, or change her number, and avoid me for months. Sometimes, she'd just flat out ignore me. These things would always arise after some kind of minor disagreement. Then, months later, she'd reach out and of course I would (stupidly) start talking to her again. I do believe that there is some kind of trauma bond aspect to my reconnecting. Or we'd have some long conversation where seemingly she'd see what she did wrong, and we'd be fine for a while... until it happened again. 

Anyway. Two months ago, she'd sent me a meme/joke. I honestly found it dumb - it was very basic humour that I just didn't find funny. I do tend to prefer sarcastic/dry wit type of humour, which isn't for everyone, I know. So my reply to her was "what kind of joke is this? 💀" - I specifically added the skull emoji, which I know is used to dictate humour/that you're not serious/sarcasm. 

I rarely speak or reply to her in the way that I did above, and I personally don't think it was "mean". Anyway a few days later I noticed she had unfollowed me on everything. I asked her why, and she began calling me "mean" and "snide" for the way I responded. I had to repeat again and again that it was the joke I didn't like, not HER. She even started analysing my use of emoji, to the point that I had to send her several screenshots of the definition and meaning behind using the emoji. 

Anyway the individual situation is irrelevant, that was just the latest catalyst. She will react like that even when I've said something like "this isn't a personal attack and I care about you, but I didn't like that song" - which I feel is just unrealistic to talk like all the time. After that last incident I just stopped talking or replying to her, as I'd tried my best to write out well-written and texts and she would respond to each one with some cutting one-liner - which is also another thing, she can become quite mean and spiteful herself. Then, when she's called out on it, she acts like she didn't realise, or was just being firm, or some other thing. So I just gave up. I stopped responding. 

She then kept messaging me, and apologised. Immediately after the apology she sent me a screenshot of a journal entry she'd written about me, dated during a time when we were "fine" and hadn't even argued or fallen out. For me this was just weird and didn't make me feel great. A couple of days later she then turned up at my house - which was odd as she rarely comes over. I wasn't actually in and only knew she'd done this as she messaged me about it. I then told her that I didn't wish to talk and needed some space. She said OK. 

The thing is that I just find it all too much. The repeated telling me I'm mean. The repeated cutting me out of her life. The lack of accountability. The silent treatments. The way I can't be my authentic self around her, because she comments on everything I do; once I was listening to rap music and she said "oh! I didn't know you listened to that!". Also her beliefs have rapidly changed since COVID - she became a conspiracy theory, right-wing-esque, leaning into anti-LGBT ideologies, red pill following, type of person. Everyone is entitled to their beliefs, but those just don't align with mine. 

There are also other countless things that have happened that have scarred me mentally, that I've tried to ignore or move past but I still feel great resentment towards. Most of the time we would get on and chat all day via message, but when these disagreements occur, they are very intense and triggering. And to be honest, have all pent up to the point that I don't know if I can even speak to her again. I've wanted to message her to talk things out, but she doesn't HEAR me. She is always on the defense, always operating under the "well, I just made a mistake, you should extend compassion and grace towards me" theme, claiming that her actions were non-intentional, etc. 

So I guess my thing is... I've told her I needed space, but I don't see the point in reaching out or trying to connect again. Trying to get through to her is futile. I myself have been left on "space" in the past and know it's unpleasant to not know what's going on with the other person, but I find that I just don't want to talk to her at all. I feel bad also for not feeling anything, as we've known each other for so long, but I just don't. What I do feel is liberated and free and less stressed and happier since not talking to her. 

So I don't know. Should I reach out and offer some kind of closure/update, or just leave it as "space"? 

[Wiseman2]

20 minutes ago, PureAppleJuice said:

 since around 2019/2020, I have found it increasingly difficult to be friends with her. as well as adapt to some of her newly-formed beliefs and interests. 

It seems like you've grown apart over the years and the friendship has devolved into a frenemy situation. 

There's no need for "closure", that just drags you back into this toxic dynamic.

Let this fade away and die out  once and for all. Free yourself to find more like-minded friends.

[PureAppleJuice]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

There's no need for "closure", that just drags you back into this toxic dynamic.

You're absolutely right 🙂

[stillafool]

41 minutes ago, PureAppleJuice said:

So I don't know. Should I reach out and offer some kind of closure/update, or just leave it as "space"? 

Absolutely not!   Let her go.  This friendship should have ended long ago.  This time block her from contacting you and stop reaching out.  

44 minutes ago, PureAppleJuice said:

. The repeated telling me I'm mean. The repeated cutting me out of her life. The lack of accountability. The silent treatments. The way I can't be my authentic self around her, because she comments on everything I do;

Why would you ever put up with this?

[PureAppleJuice]

11 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Absolutely not!   Let her go.  This friendship should have ended long ago.  This time block her from contacting you and stop reaching out.  

Why would you ever put up with this?

Because I think I’m quite susceptible to believing people when they say things are my fault. This is something I’ve got MUCH better at not doing, thanks to work in therapy. I think also I was just scared of having no friends/being alone, so would go back to it. But now that I’ve stepped away from it, it isn’t actually that bad - in fact it’s a lot better. So I can’t imagine I’d put up with that again, to be honest. 

[stillafool]

It's good that you've stepped away from her.  Try meeting new friends who add to your life.  Not all friendships are meant to last.

[glows]

No, don’t reach out to her. If you have to repeat yourself several times you don’t like something or don’t appreciate someone’s humour that is no longer about boundaries. It can be futile and insulting. I think she does have a point. She doesn’t think the way you do so stop hanging onto this friendship. Now you’re wanting to reach out again for what? To lure her into chatting with you and then get shut down for her offbeat humour and values that don’t align with yours? Just say No and walk away for good. Save yourself the mental hassle and constantly disagreeing with someone. You’re not friends.

It’s ok to let friendships evolve and allow people to evolve however they need to. If she’s hurtful and hateful in speech towards certain groups due to political beliefs that’s on her and she’ll realize too late no one will put up with that bullish-t or want to be around that. Don’t enable it and criticize her. Onwards.

 

[ShyViolet]

I thin you already know what needs to be done here.  Maybe just the act of writing this all out helps you to gain clarity.  But this is a no-brainer.  This friendship should have ended LONG ago.  You should not have put up with this for as long as you have.  End it for good.  You don't owe her anything.  You don't owe her "closure", or "talking it out" one more time.  There is nothing to talk out.  Block her and leave it in the past.  Part of being a self-respecting person is ending relationships with people who treat us badly and cause us unhappiness.

[PureAppleJuice]

7 hours ago, glows said:

No, don’t reach out to her. If you have to repeat yourself several times you don’t like something or don’t appreciate someone’s humour that is no longer about boundaries. It can be futile and insulting. I think she does have a point. She doesn’t think the way you do so stop hanging onto this friendship. Now you’re wanting to reach out again for what? To lure her into chatting with you and then get shut down for her offbeat humour and values that don’t align with yours? Just say No and walk away for good. Save yourself the mental hassle and constantly disagreeing with someone. You’re not friends.

It’s ok to let friendships evolve and allow people to evolve however they need to. If she’s hurtful and hateful in speech towards certain groups due to political beliefs that’s on her and she’ll realize too late no one will put up with that bullish-t or want to be around that. Don’t enable it and criticize her. Onwards.

 

I just want to clarify; I don’t shut her down for her views. There have been times when she’s expressed offensive opinions that are at odds with my own existence, and I’ve asked, politely because I respected the friendship, to not bring those topics up with me.

Also, I think it’s perfectly normal to say to someone every so often “nah, I didn’t like that song” - if I am not able to freely express my likes and dislikes with a person otherwise I’ll be met with an emotional meltdown and cut out of someone’s life/given the silent treatment, that feels very walking-on-eggshell like. I don’t constantly disagree with her, as I said most of the time we’d be chatting or making jokes over the phone, and the disagreements would arise every few months (which of course is regular in itself, but I don’t agree that it’s “constantly”)

 

In answer to the reaching out; perhaps because I feel a bit bad, and because I’ve been friends with her for ten years, and at times not really sure I’m doing the right thing - I’ve never experienced growing apart from someone before, so it’s all new to me. 

 

Despite that, I agree with your overall point and have no intentions to return to it, more so after receiving advice here. 

Edited June 28, 2023 by PureAppleJuice

[PureAppleJuice]

4 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

I thin you already know what needs to be done here.  Maybe just the act of writing this all out helps you to gain clarity.  But this is a no-brainer.  This friendship should have ended LONG ago.  You should not have put up with this for as long as you have.  End it for good.  You don't owe her anything.  You don't owe her "closure", or "talking it out" one more time.  There is nothing to talk out.  Block her and leave it in the past.  Part of being a self-respecting person is ending relationships with people who treat us badly and cause us unhappiness.

Writing it out did help; I’ve not spoken to anyone about this or let it out, and it was cathartic to come here and talk about it. I agree; I was unsure, but I agree. I’ve felt unhappy for a while and have lacked the confidence to make a decision, but I think yes, now is the time to do it.

[Alpacalia]

Sounds like your friend likes to create a lot of emotional turmoil, then give you a false sense of resolution in order to keep you connected to her.

Your decision to take a step back is final and that you are not looking for her to change or apologize.

If she reaches out tell her that you do not wish to talk anymore, and that any attempt on her part to change your mind is futile.

You need to find ways to detach from her and focus on building healthier relationships. Try to find friends and family who are supportive of you, and who can offer more positive interactions. Even if it's hard to do, it's worth it in the long run.

 

[MsJayne]

This person's toxic, she's rude and ignorant, and you owe her no explanation at all for ending the friendship because you've pretty much already covered it given your various disagreements. You've told her you want space, and that space may go on for decades if you want it to. It sounds like she has an unhealthy need to challenge you so she can put you down, which is behaviour that probably stems from low self-esteem and jealousy, and that's sad for her, but as you've seen it can't be fixed by friendship. I'd just do an immediate fade and never respond to any future communications. Be intentionally mean just this once  😈  

[PureAppleJuice]

13 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Sounds like your friend likes to create a lot of emotional turmoil, then give you a false sense of resolution in order to keep you connected to her.

 

It's exactly this. The emotional turmoil is too much. I used to engage with all her huge paragraphs and emotions, but more recently I've had to mute her messages when she's in that mode as it was just too overwhelming, and seemed completely disproportionate to what was actually happening.

13 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

You need to find ways to detach from her and focus on building healthier relationships. Try to find friends and family who are supportive of you, and who can offer more positive interactions. Even if it's hard to do, it's worth it in the long run.

I think so too - I've already had a few positive interactions with some new people which was lovely and liberating, and stress-free. Will definitely continue along this path 🙂

[PureAppleJuice]

5 hours ago, MsJayne said:

behaviour that probably stems from low self-esteem and jealousy, and that's sad for her, but as you've seen it can't be fixed by friendship

Yes, I agree. I do think she has some emotional/psychological issues that need to be addressed by a therapist - and that's not me being insulting, I genuinely think she'd benefit from it. But what she does from here on out isn't my concern.

6 hours ago, MsJayne said:

This person's toxic, she's rude and ignorant

I agree. She presents herself online as very... soft, gentle, into nature, veganism, etc etc but she possesses a LOT of negative, almost abusive traits and behaviours. I'm OUT 🫡

6 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Be intentionally mean just this once  😈

The intentionally mean comment had me dying with laughter! Yeah, no way back from this, this time...!

[Alpacalia]

12 hours ago, PureAppleJuice said:

I used to engage with all her huge paragraphs and emotions, but more recently I've had to mute her messages when she's in that mode as it was just too overwhelming, and seemed completely disproportionate to what was actually happening.

Ugh. Big paragraphs. Total snooze-fest. Sounds like she emotionally dumped on you. A good response to that in the future if you find yourself in a similar situation with someone else is short and sweet (I.E. "that sucks.").

Edited June 29, 2023 by Alpacalia

[NuevoYorko]

Leave it as "space" and don't "break up."  If you do that you will just be engaging in exactly the dynamic you want to be done with.  

I've had a situation like this in my life and I'm happy with how I dealt with it.  For years, literally, I was troubled because we'd been close and shared some peak experiences of both of our lives.  They betrayed my friendship in a few different ways.   When that was current I felt that our friendship was close and important enough that it warranted me actually addressing the "elephants in the room" but because of various circumstances, including geographic (we were rarely in the same place at the same time), I never did.  Time passed.  Sometimes we were in the same place and interacted.  I kept it pleasant and made sure not to engage on anything deep one on one.  When they texted, I would not ignore.  I would behave politely and not EVER ask leading questions.  i started showing no real interest in their life, but I was still polite and pleasant.  Definitely not passive-aggressive.

Anyway, here we are, 5 years or even more past the initial issues, and I don't have to try anymore to keep the distance I need from this person.  It's become normal.

In my case, we share some business situations in common as well as both being avidly involved in the same sport.  So I know I will be seeing them for a long time to come.  A "break up" would have made things worse for me, and my whole point was to get the negative dynamic away from my life.

You can do it too.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

Perhaps her Block her on anything you have.  Phone number too.  It appears she may even LOVE YOU an dis just trying to win you over(Poor way to do it)Or show she loves you by being this domineering and controlling woman.  Break ties.  She will only get worse.  However, I'd watch my back if I was 😒you.  This kind of woman doesn't take "NO" for an answer.

[Daisy-oliviaWentcher]

Reading this is very similar to a situation that I have at the moment.  I've been blocked and had explosive, accusatory hurtful emails that I have received from her. It's like she's projected her pain onto me. When I've requested space and the same respect, she will block me instead. It seems there is a power/control element to it. 

 

My experience has led me to have limited engagement and keep myself busy. To be honest, I don't even notice her absence anymore. No friend should experience being dropped and picked up like ordering a steak off of a menu. Maybe it's time for you ( and for me) to make the boundaries stick this time. Draw the line in the sand and walk away.