Dumper burst out

[dakovac]

Hey Guys!

Wanted to ask you about an interesting situation that I found myself in. So my girlfriend broke up with me after 4.5 years. I saw it coming actually, she slowly started to distance herself from me and by the time the breakup happened she told she doesn't love me anymore and the feelings in this regard are more or less gone. It hurt me obviously, did the classic begging and pleading when she was breaking up with me but the last time I saw her I told her that I will respect her decision and walked away (never looking back). 

Important aspect of the story is that we had two cats together - one of them being mine - but she told me that they cannot be separated anymore and that I can keep them if she can see the cats sometimes. I told her that I don't think that would be healthy and in this case she can keep them, I knew they would have a loving home with her. I just didn't want to prolong the healing process with seeing her from time to time or even worse to move the cats around to her place every now and then. I just don't think this leads anywhere. At the end of this conversation I took her home she thanked me for all the memories and the great times and got out of my car not even looking back just shutting her front door. It was/is obviously very difficult to stay at our apartment that we moved into together without her and the cats. Top it off with the fact that I was basically told at my work that I will probably get fired in a month or so. My ex knew about this before she broke up but she said she needs to be selfish and even though she knows how bad my situation is with work, she has to break it off. I told her that I understand and that if this is her choice I will respect it and we just go our separate ways completely.

Fast forward 3 months and here we are. Had a really rough patch, but fixed my work situation and started to focus on myself again after all these years. At least I was trying. On the day of the breakup I blocked her on social media (besides facebook because I barely use it) so I don't start stalking her. This weekend we went on a boat trip with two friends and I posted a video about it which accidently ended up on my facebook page. I deleted after 2 minutes but she saw it. There was nothing extraordinary on the video, just me having a great time with my friends. Later that day I receive a pretty nasty message from my ex. She was basically saying that I am the biggest disappointment in her life, I disappointed her countless times in the last 4.5 years and that she cannot believe how I don't care about the cats anymore and that I don't consider the financial burden this puts on her shoulders. Complete attack mode. Just because of this video. I don't really think that this is about the cats to be honest and wanted to hear your take on this because I just feel like she is punching a person that is already on the floor. How can a dumper be so selfish and arrogant to a dumpee? This is really against my core values and I really hope that I am not alone with this.

Thanks for anyone that reads this and replies! 

Edited June 26, 2023 by dakovac

[glows]

Just block her on Facebook. She obviously cannot be trusted to remain levelheaded or polite in shared circles. Whatever you thought went down at the break up she may have changed her mind or is using you as a punching bag. Who cares. Her issues, her problem. Don’t make it yours. Block permanently everywhere.

[soulforge]

1 hour ago, dakovac said:

Hey Guys!

Wanted to ask you about an interesting situation that I found myself in. So my girlfriend broke up with me after 4.5 years. I saw it coming actually, she slowly started to distance herself from me and by the time the breakup happened she told she doesn't love me anymore and the feelings in this regard are more or less gone. It hurt me obviously, did the classic begging and pleading when she was breaking up with me but the last time I saw her I told her that I will respect her decision and walked away (never looking back). 

Important aspect of the story is that we had two cats together - one of them being mine - but she told me that they cannot be separated anymore and that I can keep them if she can see the cats sometimes. I told her that I don't think that would be healthy and in this case she can keep them, I knew they would have a loving home with her. I just didn't want to prolong the healing process with seeing her from time to time or even worse to move the cats around to her place every now and then. I just don't think this leads anywhere. At the end of this conversation I took her home she thanked me for all the memories and the great times and got out of my car not even looking back just shutting her front door. It was/is obviously very difficult to stay at our apartment that we moved into together without her and the cats. Top it off with the fact that I was basically told at my work that I will probably get fired in a month or so. My ex knew about this before she broke up but she said she needs to be selfish and even though she knows how bad my situation is with work, she has to break it off. I told her that I understand and that if this is her choice I will respect it and we just go our separate ways completely.

Fast forward 3 months and here we are. Had a really rough patch, but fixed my work situation and started to focus on myself again after all these years. At least I was trying. On the day of the breakup I blocked her on social media (besides facebook because I barely use it) so I don't start stalking her. This weekend we went on a boat trip with two friends and I posted a video about it which accidently ended up on my facebook page. I deleted after 2 minutes but she saw it. There was nothing extraordinary on the video, just me having a great time with my friends. Later that day I receive a pretty nasty message from my ex. She was basically saying that I am the biggest disappointment in her life, I disappointed her countless times in the last 4.5 years and that she cannot believe how I don't care about the cats anymore and that I don't consider the financial burden this puts on her shoulders. Complete attack mode. Just because of this video. I don't really think that this is about the cats to be honest and wanted to hear your take on this because I just feel like she is punching a person that is already on the floor. How can a dumper be so selfish and arrogant to a dumpee? This is really against my core values and I really hope that I am not alone with this.

Thanks for anyone that reads this and replies! 

She hates to see you ENJOYING your life. She is more likely miserable.

[basil67]

Block her and breath a big sigh of relief that she's gone

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, dakovac said:

How can a dumper be so selfish and arrogant to a dumpee?

You'd be suprised how often that happens with people like her. 

She sounds miserable and she wants to make it your fault. Be glad she is gone. 

[JTSW]

 She's just bitter that you are doing well and enjoying yourself.

Completely ignore her and DO NOT respond. 

You can post anything you want.

Don't worry about what people like her think.

 

[dakovac]

Thank you all for the feedback, helps me a lot to deal with this situation:)

[Wiseman2]

3 minutes ago, dakovac said:

Thank you all for the feedback, helps me a lot to deal with this situation:)

Sorry this happened. This is why I frequently advise someone to delete and block an ex and all their people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. It helps prevent  unwanted intrusions like this.

[glows]

1 hour ago, dakovac said:

Thank you all for the feedback, helps me a lot to deal with this situation:)

Have you blocked her? Block block block. Make the function your ally. It will also free up your time and space and energy to enjoy other friendships and eventually date again. 

[Alvi]

On 6/26/2023 at 8:10 AM, dakovac said:

She was basically saying that I am the biggest disappointment in her life, I disappointed her countless times in the last 4.5 years and that she cannot believe how I don't care about the cats anymore and that I don't consider the financial burden this puts on her shoulders.

Oh, this is her way of trying to keep a door slightly open hoping that you take a hint and ask her to give this another go.

Anyway, you have two options here:

1. Send her a message sincerely apologizing for whatever wrongdoings she is accusing you of.  Tell her while you miss the cats, deep down you know that she is doing a hell of a job keeping them healthy and happy. But for your own well being you cannot keep a contact with her and hope that she understands. Tell her that you wish her nothing but total happiness in her future. And block her everywhere. 
2. Don't respond to any of her messages. Which would be a lot easier if you block her on every social media. Block her again if she reappears sometime in the future.

[dakovac]

17 hours ago, Alvi said:

Oh, this is her way of trying to keep a door slightly open hoping that you take a hint and ask her to give this another go.

Anyway, you have two options here:

1. Send her a message sincerely apologizing for whatever wrongdoings she is accusing you of.  Tell her while you miss the cats, deep down you know that she is doing a hell of a job keeping them healthy and happy. But for your own well being you cannot keep a contact with her and hope that she understands. Tell her that you wish her nothing but total happiness in her future. And block her everywhere. 
2. Don't respond to any of her messages. Which would be a lot easier if you block her on every social media. Block her again if she reappears sometime in the future.

Thanks for the message. The way she wrote that message was very aggressive. She told me I promised I will help her with the cats in case something happens, but I hoped that she wouldn't reach out at least in the beginning with stuff like this. I really hoped that she understands that we both need time to process things. She asked me to check the vetting papers since she couldn't find them at her place. I told her I cannot find them but I will look further. I was really hoping that this would make it clear that she should solve it by herself. Its honestly just so easy to replace them at the vet, whatever. Since then I (unfortunately) replied to her message in a polite way to which I was bombed again with crazy negative things about me. About my approach towards work, my personal relationships, all the things I did wrong in the relationship etc..heavy stuff really. Telling me how calm her soul is for the first time in years (clearly) and how much fun she has with her friends constantly (ok). I asked her to give my cat back in this case, since that would solve the issue with the cats for good. I also asked her to think through why punching me and calling me all kinds of things necessary three months after she dumped me? To this she never replied anymore, probably because I wanted my cat back. I am actually very sad this is the way it all ended, with her I never thought that we will finish our 5 years on such terms. All in all I guess it would have been better to block, but hey I still love her... 

Edited June 30, 2023 by dakovac

[glows]

3 hours ago, dakovac said:

She asked me to check the vetting papers since she couldn't find them at her place. I told her I cannot find them but I will look further. I was really hoping that this would make it clear that she should solve it by herself. Its honestly just so easy to replace them at the vet, whatever. 

That’s not being clear or developing boundaries after a break up if you had hoped to remain on good terms. You’re saying one thing and meant something else. “I will look further” or I will do something about this for you doesn’t mean she should solve it herself. Be more honest and open in future and state you don’t have the papers and she will have to obtain it from the vets herself. This is a simple call and email if records are needed. We are in the 21st century and there is a thing called email. I asked the same thing a few days ago and had my dog’s details emailed to me. 

Keeping in contact doesn’t sound like it’s going to work anyway. Five years is a considerable time and it takes awhile to adjust to this break up. If you wanted the cat back that should have been in the agreement when you broke up not asking for the cat back in response to her after passively aggressively agreeing to something you resent doing or never intended to do(help her with vet docs). I’m pointing this out because you’re not innocent here in creating this confusion. It’s better to block her if you also feel angry and resentful or can’t be more honest/open. I think the bridge is completely burnt on this. You’re both too toxic and unhealthy towards one another.

[Acacia98]

It sounds like her ego is bruised by the fact that you're not moping around and your life seems to have worked out okay without her. Maybe she was hoping to have fun exploring as a single and knowing that you'd be waiting somewhere for her if she decided she wanted to reconcile after all. Keeping the cats together was probably supposed to help keep that door open.

If looking after two cats is genuinely beyond her means, you should definitely take your cat back. It will solve the problem without forcing you to interact with her regularly. Take your cat back, give her whatever vet papers you might have for her cat, and then make sure you block her everywhere.

Edited June 30, 2023 by Acacia98

[Wiseman2]

You may feel a lot better if you make a definitive decision about the cats and completely sever ties once and for all.

Keeping the window cracked open with the cats and the door cracked open with social media posts isn't going to help you heal or move forward.

Breakups are hard, but dragging them out like this just perpetuates the pain and keeps you from the freedom you need to move forward.

[dakovac]

On 6/30/2023 at 10:12 PM, Wiseman2 said:

You may feel a lot better if you make a definitive decision about the cats and completely sever ties once and for all.

Keeping the window cracked open with the cats and the door cracked open with social media posts isn't going to help you heal or move forward.

Breakups are hard, but dragging them out like this just perpetuates the pain and keeps you from the freedom you need to move forward.

Yes perhaps I am also not innocent although never wanted or wished anything bad for her after the breakup. I asked for my cat back in a very polite way in order to finalize the situation, and yeah of course I miss my cat a lot. She never responded to that and blocked me. This was more than a month ago, I guess she had to make one last punch to show me that I will never see them again and that I am not even worth a reaction to this question. It hurts a lot but also gives me clarity in a way. Thanks everyone for your help!

Edited August 9, 2023 by dakovac

[Alvi]

37 minutes ago, dakovac said:

Yes perhaps I am also not innocent although never wanted or wished anything bad for her after the breakup. I asked for my cat back in a very polite way in order to finalize the situation, and yeah of course I miss my cat a lot. She never responded to that and blocked me. This was more than a month ago, I guess she had to make one last punch to show me that I will never see them again and that I am not even worth a reaction to this question. It hurts a lot but also gives me clarity in a way. Thanks everyone for your help!

I think you are still pining for her. This is not about a cat for you, right? For what it worth, it is probably better if you stay no contact with her. It is upsetting that she would not give you cat back to you but perhaps it is better to let the entire situation go if she is taking a good care of the animal. Unless you want to pursue  some legal means I think you need to let it go and not to contact her again.  Hey, break-ups are often not easy and that's why she was acting a bit crazy. Maybe she is trying to move on now.

 

On 6/26/2023 at 8:10 AM, dakovac said:

I told her that I don't think that would be healthy and in this case she can keep them, I knew they would have a loving home with her. I just didn't want to prolong the healing process with seeing her from time to time or even worse to move the cats around to her place every now and then. I just don't think this leads anywhere.

OK, I re-read your original post. You have agreed to let your cat to stay with her so let it be. You should have took it away with you right after the break-up but what's done is done. Stop trying to contact her unless she is mistreating your cat somehow and you have a solid evidence of that.

[dakovac]

1 hour ago, Alvi said:

I think you are still pining for her. This is not about a cat for you, right? For what it worth, it is probably better if you stay no contact with her. It is upsetting that she would not give you cat back to you but perhaps it is better to let the entire situation go if she is taking a good care of the animal. Unless you want to pursue  some legal means I think you need to let it go and not to contact her again.  Hey, break-ups are often not easy and that's why she was acting a bit crazy. Maybe she is trying to move on now.

 

OK, I re-read your original post. You have agreed to let your cat to stay with her so let it be. You should have took it away with you right after the break-up but what's done is done. Stop trying to contact her unless she is mistreating your cat somehow and you have a solid evidence of that.

You are completely right, never tried to contact her and never will, she attacked me with the financial burden and the fact that I don't even think it through how hard it is to take care of two cats. To this I asked her to give my cat back and we solve this issue. She blocked me after this question. I would have never changed my mind, I am firm in this. I guess it caught me off guard that she attacked me emotionally with the cats...but i get your point. Will never try to contact her!

[MsJayne]

Sounds like she wants child support for the cats, and her reasoning that the cats can't be separated is horse dung, it's just a way of maintaining contact. You did the fair thing by saying you'd take your cat back. As for her spray after you posted your fun-time video, she was hoping you'd be too heartbroken to carry on and seeing you cat-free and girlfriend-free whooping it up really got up her nose. You could block her and ignore any future contact she makes, or you could make it a habit to post weekly videos and photos of you having a great time . I find it interesting that she saw your video even though it was only there for two minutes and you were worried that you'd be the social media stalker in this breakup. 

[JTSW]

Look, if she takes good care of the cat and its happy then the easiest solution is to let it go and show her that her keeping it hostage isn't going to get a reaction.

If you really want your cat back then you may have to threaten legal action to get her to comply.

She is playing stupid games as a way to control you, but she will end up losing if she continues to keep your cat hostage.

Edited August 10, 2023 by JTSW

[Ageless Wisdom23]

I actually Vented all Over FB and so Forth, As the Dumper.  It was closure for me.  Maybe your EX feels this is her closure.  Although  my EX and I do talk from time to Time, He doesn't hold any real animosity towards me.  I guess it is love?  Sit back and see what happens.  You may reunite with her and the cat one day.

[JTSW]

18 minutes ago, Ageless Wisdom23 said:

I actually Vented all Over FB and so Forth, As the Dumper.  It was closure for me.  Maybe your EX feels this is her closure.  Although  my EX and I do talk from time to Time, He doesn't hold any real animosity towards me.  I guess it is love?  Sit back and see what happens.  You may reunite with her and the cat one day.

It wouldn't be in his best interest to get back with such a toxic person.

As for airing out all your personal issues all over social media for all to see is just spiteful in my opinion.

Edited August 10, 2023 by JTSW

[Alvi]

Try to look at this from a compassionate point of view. She is human. Break-ups can be hard. Break-ups can be difficult. Break-ups can be sad and messy. Sure, she ended the relationship but it doesn't mean that she wasn't hurting. She probably felt very sad and down when she saw you moving on in that video. It happens. I was crying when I saw my ex moving on. Did she overreact and took her sadness and anger on you? She sure did.  At times humans do crazy stupid things and say hurtful words when we are angry. For example, I tried to contact my ex and tell him maybe a million times how much he hurt me and ruined my life. Heck, I even wrote a text and an e-mail quite a few times when I was feeling low. But the difference is that I haven't actually sent it to him. I was the one who dumped him but it didn't make me feel any better. It was basically no choice for me but to end things. But it doesn't mean that I wasn't hurt and upset. I didn't have any cats with him so it was pretty much a clean break. Point is, she has blocked you and hasn't reached out to you ever since that outburst. So, cut her some break and don't try to look for things that are not there. Release her mentally, wish her well in her life and go on. I wouldn't even call her toxic or manipulative. I think that she was hurting at that particular point in time, that's all. It's not like she continuously stalking you or sending you some rude messages.

As for your cat, allow her to have it since you said that you want her to keep it. Let it be unless she tries to reach out to you again. Go see a what you can do legally regarding your cat if she tries to tell you some gibberish about it again in the future. 

Edited August 12, 2023 by Alvi