The Age Thing

[Grumpy Bob]

I'm in my 50's.  I'm trying to be "open to possibilities."

Also, as a more general rule, I try to not fall into the pattern of thinking that the way "we do things" in my country and culture is "the only way" nor even "the best."

I know it's hard to ask such questions on the internet, and that there is no hard and fast answer, but still I'm hoping for some advice.  Feel free to call me out.

I still feel a preconception in our (western) society and culture towards same age relationships.  And sometimes it just makes sense.  If you start dating in High School, or University, or Graduation, it's more likely to be with somebody around your own age.

I feel a bit out of whack with this (and not just as a lecherous old man) so let me explain what I'm experiencing.  

It's not about physical beauty or attraction.  I've seen some stunners in their late 60's, plenty around my own age, and it hasn't changed my feelings.  (Besides which, for a variety of reasons, normal characterisations of beauty don't necessarily apply.)

I'm still working, and plan to be for at least the next decade, albeit with a bit more travel flown in.  So when I meet women who are already fully in retirement mode, it doesn't really kick.

Also, and I realise this is somewhat selfish and one-sided, I'm not liking the idea of trying to join a family where the kids are already mostly late teens or adults.  Maybe I'm living in a fantasy world, but I find myself attracted to women with younger kids.  I love Kids.  Being a Dad is the best part of my life, but all mine are adults now, and it seems the only grandkids I'm getting have 4 legs and fur.  At my age, I don't want to conceive any more kids, but I'd be happy to become a step-dad to a couple of pre-teens.

So yeah, there's been 1 or 2 ladies I'm seen who are pushing 50 with young kids, but mostly they're sub 40.

But I don't even know what most young ladies would think of this?  If, hypothetically, you're around 40 with young kids, and say your ex isn't in the picture, and you're looking for a husband...  Are you even looking for a step-dad?  And would you consider somebody up to 20 years older, or rather stay single?

I've heard that in some other cultures, such marriages are common or even preferred?  But I don't know if that's just lecherous old men, and/or the economically motivated, talking?

[Wiseman2]

It's not really a political or cultural issue. The issue is if women 20 years your junior are personally interested in you. You'll have to take it on a case by case basis. Some women may not want a 70 yo to take care of when they're 50. Some women may be ok with more mature men. It's really an individual decision.

[Lotsgoingon]

I hear you on being hesitant about dating people who are retired. I do think there are some retired people out there who are on fire. Those folks are active in all kinds of activities and clubs, and they stay busy and thus have lots of interesting subjects and experiences to talk about.  So I think your fear here is too categorical. 

On dating younger women, that can work. But be careful: you hit 70 and she's 50, omg, there is a huge dif. ence in life and lifestyle and energy---frequently. You want to date younger women, make sure your life isn't all about coming home from work and sitting on the couch in front of the tv or on the computer all evening. Younger people are going to want someone who is active. Active meaning wants to go out to museums, parks, concerts, dinners and so on.

I am assuming that you are embarking on online dating and that you need to identify the age range of the women you want to date. I say go ahead and be honest about the low side and then make sure to go up at least to your age or even a few years older.  That way you go out there and meet a range of women and you'll notice some older women being more energetic and attractive than younger women. On the older kids thing, that's hard to accurately judge ahead of time. Someone wonderful who has wonderful kids, you'll be fine, even if they're older. I was terrified of dating a woman with older kids and then I fell hard for a woman with older kids. Took no thinking, not midnight agonizing, no deep reshuffling of my brain.  Just based on pure attraction and how much I liked her.

You can have assumptions and preferences and you don't have to run from those, but when you go out and meet people, you switch to the individual assessment. 

When you meet younger women, you do need to drop the fear of being creepy. And you need to not worry about the views of "younger women." You are just trying to find  ONE woman who may be younger to date. Doesn't matter what the majority of that demographic thinks. You're not dating the entire demographic. Likewise, she may (generally) not like “dating older guys” and yet she might like you! For what it's worth, I don't think people are creeped out by a guy in his 50s dating a woman in her 30s. You might get some mean looks. Dating a woman in her 20s would get you in more social trouble. But there are people who do that. They just have thicker skin and less worry about the opinion of others.

Clearly you do have worry about the opinions of others. Basically you just have to act normal when you're talking to a younger person. You like talking to them, you show enthusiasm as you would show to someone your age. You don't like talking to them, you don't show enthusiasm. 

Ultimately to take the fear out of all this, you just need to remember that all you will be doing is starting conversations with individuals. That's it. If the conversation takes off and you feel real interest and excitement, then you keep talking. Talking continues to feel really good, then you go to a next step. You'll know when someone wants you to ask them out---if you're paying attention to the energy of the other person and to your own internal feelings. 

Bottom line: just date and pay attention to the person in front of you.

 

 

[basil67]

You don't mention how far into your 50's you are....or what sub 40 exactly entails.   And I'm not sure how accurate your username of "grumpy" is.  

I can only answer for what I may have done if I was still a sub 40's woman.    If I was 38 and you're a fun, positive 52yo, I'd probably give it a try.   But if I was 33 and you're 58 and grumpy that would be a No from me.

All in all though, I think your attitude to life would be more important than your age.  

Edited June 26, 2023 by basil67

[Sony12]

There are definitely women who enjoy dating older men. If you are an attractive guy you won't have a difficult time finding them. However be careful about why they are dating older men as a portion of them do date older for the financial security and not so much because they really dig them. Especially if she already has kids that she is trying to support. The last thing you would probably want is a young attractive lady dating you for your money.

 

 

Edited June 26, 2023 by Sony12

[introverted1]

Trying to date younger so that you can potentially be a step-parent to teens (or pre-teens) seems like a bad dating strategy.  For one, assuming you meet a women with kids in this range, you have to first clear the hurdle of her wanting to date a guy who is significantly older.  There are lots of issues with this, not the least of which being (as others have mentioned) that, at some point, the age gap will force a lifestyle gap. Then you have to hope that the kids in question want/need a step-dad.  Perhaps this woman has a healthy co-parenting arrangement with her ex and the kids are not especially interested in getting close to mom's bf, not to mention that most women will not want you involved with their kids until they've seen if the relationship has legs.

Have you ruled out dating an age-appropriate woman and concurrently doing something like volunteering with Big Brothers/Big Sisters where you could make an impact on a child's life?  They need male volunteers and it would be a way of not only giving back but also fulfilling your desire to be an adult influence in the life of a pre-teen.

[Els]

I think the biggest problem here is that you want them to have young kids. You are going to be narrowing the pool significantly for yourself there, because you're basically hoping that you find a single mom with young kids who wants a step-parent for her kids and doesn't mind the step-parent being much older. I also daresay that having young kids would be more likely to make a woman lean AWAY from a 60 yo man. Realistically speaking, in 10 years' time you are more likely to be in a taken-care-of rather than caretaker role. Besides the logistical complications that that would introduce for her, many people would feel like that would be unfair to the kids.

13 hours ago, Grumpy Bob said:

I've heard that in some other cultures, such marriages are common or even preferred?  But I don't know if that's just lecherous old men, and/or the economically motivated, talking?

I don't think big age gaps are THAT common in this day and age. I'm Asian, and for some reason half of the Westerners I talk to about this seem to think that 20-yo Asian women are marrying 60-yo dudes every day, but it's not commonly the case... not in the modern-day societies, anyway. There are often age gaps, yes, but it's usually a 3-7 year gap, not decades. The few cases with big age gaps are usually socioeconomically motivated... which is a situation that I don't think you want to be in.

[Sony12]

Age gap relations are becoming much more common. But it is usually for casual dating. Not potentially serious or long term dating.

[Kassieee]

I'm way way younger and I'd be down to date a guy in his 50s. 

Just date who you like ( as long as its legal) and be in your own world.

[stillafool]

There does seem to be a large population of single mothers out there.  However, if they get a whiff that your main goal is to be around their kids or to parent them that will give you a major ick factor in their eyes.  Red flags and sirens will be going off.  Most women with young teenagers are in their 40s anyway, so the age gap may not be as wide as you want.

[Grumpy Bob]

 

So let me clarify:

Irrespective of their age:

1. Retired and just wants to drink wine and travel. - Probably Not going to work out.
2. All kids are adults, and fully independent. - No problems (provided 1 doesn't apply)
3. Has no kids, is past the age of having kids, AND doesn't mind that I do have adult children. - All good! 
4. Has kids that are mid to late teens, and/or young adults still at home. - I'm certainly not saying "never" but honestly am concerned over the prospect of blending.
5. Has no kids, but still has reasonable prospects of having them. - Probably far too young and besides I don't want to conceive any more, and feel it would be really unfair on her.
6. Kids are sub-teen.  Yes, I would hope for less "blending issues" than with older, but maybe that's just being naive. and truly some ladies could be 50ish and still fit this criteria

And honestly, my preference would run something like:  2, 3, 6, 1, 4, 5

[Els]

1 hour ago, Grumpy Bob said:

Retired and just wants to drink wine and travel

Sure, but... I don't understand the relevance of this criteria when everything else on the list is about kids? What do you do in your spare time, or what do you hope she'll join you in doing (besides raising kids)?

[Gaeta]

When I was 33 I was dating a man 45. It was cool at the time and I didn't feel any difference. This relationship did not work out for issues not related to our age. Now I am 57 years old and this ex is 69 years old. I cannot imagine myself being with a 69 yo today. I am still working full time, running around 16 hrs a day, teenage daughter at home.....this ex needs daily afternoon naps. You need to consider later in life, will you have the energy for those younger children, the early morning at the skating ring and the late nights waiting for them to call so you can pick them up, the fussing, the worrying, . I am in a relationship with a man that is 8 years younger and I think about this every day! In 10 years his children will be 13 & 15 and I am going to be a woopy 67! I count on the fact women live longer and healthier usually but it's a gambling. 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Grumpy Bob said:

1. . and truly some ladies could be 50ish and still fit this criteria

Why not mirror yourself more? Old enough for adult children, carefree, youthful, active and available but certainly not ready for shuffle board and medicare?

Sometimes it's all about life stage and lifestyle.

[Sony12]

3 hours ago, Gaeta said:

When I was 33 I was dating a man 45. It was cool at the time and I didn't feel any difference. This relationship did not work out for issues not related to our age. Now I am 57 years old and this ex is 69 years old. I cannot imagine myself being with a 69 yo today. I am still working full time, running around 16 hrs a day, teenage daughter at home.....this ex needs daily afternoon naps. You need to consider later in life, will you have the energy for those younger children, the early morning at the skating ring and the late nights waiting for them to call so you can pick them up, the fussing, the worrying, . I am in a relationship with a man that is 8 years younger and I think about this every day! In 10 years his children will be 13 & 15 and I am going to be a woopy 67! I count on the fact women live longer and healthier usually but it's a gambling. 

 

I really consider anything under a decade to be relatively around the same age group (as long as you aren't in your 20's anymore). Of course I do age gap dating that is a little more extreme than most people would be comfortable with as I have a date set up in a couple weeks with a lady who is 26 years older.

[central]

My last long-term gf was 27 years younger. I'm looking again, and mostly get interest from women 30 to 40 years younger - of course, the vast majority of these are scammers. lol I prefer women within 15 years of my age on the younger side, or just a few years older, but I'm not getting much interest from them so far. And even some of them are scammers. <sigh> Online dating has definitely gotten difficult compared to 20 years ago.

[Weezy1973]

OP, you’re overthinking it. Putting the cart before the horse. Just meet people and see who you click with. 

[Els]

13 hours ago, central said:

My last long-term gf was 27 years younger. I'm looking again, and mostly get interest from women 30 to 40 years younger - of course, the vast majority of these are scammers. lol I prefer women within 15 years of my age on the younger side, or just a few years older, but I'm not getting much interest from them so far. And even some of them are scammers. <sigh> Online dating has definitely gotten difficult compared to 20 years ago.

I mean... you're married (in an open marriage), right? Not throwing shade at all, but I think it makes sense that the majority of women who are interested in being with a married dude are scammers.

[Sony12]

2 hours ago, Els said:

I mean... you're married (in an open marriage), right? Not throwing shade at all, but I think it makes sense that the majority of women who are interested in being with a married dude are scammers.

Either that or they are probably trying to get some of his money (which probably would fall into the category of scammers as well).

[central]

43 minutes ago, Sony12 said:

Either that or they are probably trying to get some of his money (which probably would fall into the category of scammers as well).

 

Yeah, they're all after money. I am less of a target than single men my age, I think. A little research shows how vulnerable older, lonely men are to these scams. Since I am not lonely, I am a much harder target. It also depends on the site. The scammers are on the cheaper and free sites as it is too expensive to make multiple profiles and change them periodically to attract new victims on the more expensive dating sites.

[Calmandfocused]

On 6/26/2023 at 6:03 AM, Grumpy Bob said:

I'm in my 50's.  I'm trying to be "open to possibilities."

Also, as a more general rule, I try to not fall into the pattern of thinking that the way "we do things" in my country and culture is "the only way" nor even "the best."

I know it's hard to ask such questions on the internet, and that there is no hard and fast answer, but still I'm hoping for some advice.  Feel free to call me out.

I still feel a preconception in our (western) society and culture towards same age relationships.  And sometimes it just makes sense.  If you start dating in High School, or University, or Graduation, it's more likely to be with somebody around your own age.

I feel a bit out of whack with this (and not just as a lecherous old man) so let me explain what I'm experiencing.  

It's not about physical beauty or attraction.  I've seen some stunners in their late 60's, plenty around my own age, and it hasn't changed my feelings.  (Besides which, for a variety of reasons, normal characterisations of beauty don't necessarily apply.)

I'm still working, and plan to be for at least the next decade, albeit with a bit more travel flown in.  So when I meet women who are already fully in retirement mode, it doesn't really kick.

Also, and I realise this is somewhat selfish and one-sided, I'm not liking the idea of trying to join a family where the kids are already mostly late teens or adults.  Maybe I'm living in a fantasy world, but I find myself attracted to women with younger kids.  I love Kids.  Being a Dad is the best part of my life, but all mine are adults now, and it seems the only grandkids I'm getting have 4 legs and fur.  At my age, I don't want to conceive any more kids, but I'd be happy to become a step-dad to a couple of pre-teens.

So yeah, there's been 1 or 2 ladies I'm seen who are pushing 50 with young kids, but mostly they're sub 40.

But I don't even know what most young ladies would think of this?  If, hypothetically, you're around 40 with young kids, and say your ex isn't in the picture, and you're looking for a husband...  Are you even looking for a step-dad?  And would you consider somebody up to 20 years older, or rather stay single?

I've heard that in some other cultures, such marriages are common or even preferred?  But I don't know if that's just lecherous old men, and/or the economically motivated, talking?

I’m 44 with 2 pre teen children. 
 

And the answer is 100% yes I would date a man in his 50s who is good with children. Why wouldn’t I? Sounds like a good deal to me. 

Carry on doing what you’re doing. 

Makes a refreshing change to read. Usually woman like me are in the dating pool of “least desirable dating prospect”. 
 

Proceed 

[Els]

On 6/28/2023 at 3:49 AM, Els said:

Sure, but... I don't understand the relevance of this criteria when everything else on the list is about kids? What do you do in your spare time, or what do you hope she'll join you in doing (besides raising kids)?

It seems that @Grumpy Bob didn't like this post...

Not taking a shot at you, mate, it was a genuine question. Don't you think that stating that as a positive criteria (e.g. "I'm passionate about photography, hiking, and camping, and I'd like a woman who can join me") would work out a lot better for you than "I don't want a retired woman who likes drinking wine and traveling"? Besides the fact that people tend to prefer positive people, the negative statement doesn't say anything about what you are looking FOR. Like, this thread has been going for a while and it's still unclear what you're looking for in a partner, although you've given a lot of detail about the whole kids thing.

[justwhoiam]

As a general rule, I wouldn't date beyond ten years older than me. If the right man came around and he happened to be 11 years older, that wouldn't be a problem. 20, 25 years my senior? No. That'd be in the range of my father's age. And it's quite a different generation compared to mine, for which I have no interest romantically. My man is technically 10 years older than me, but we're 9 years apart for most of the time.

That said, as you're considering dating women in their 30s, most of them:

- can still conceive (and 50 year-old women too)

- might consider having a child

So your best bet would be a woman in her 40s: either single, widow or divorced.

All your thinking that preteens are better to blend with seems to be pure fantasy. Some are not at all accepting of a new father figure. Also, young kids are always around, you won't have much privacy if any with your partner, and if there's a father in the picture anything needs to be planned way in advance or it's possible your plans will be very low priority for her.

Let's be real, if your children are all adults, you'll soon be a grandfather and that's how you'll have young kids around anyway.

Lastly, you should be more concerned about how in love she is with you than about the age of her children, because you seem to be looking for someone long term rather than casual dating. And you're not going to be happy if she's with you only because you're offering financial stability. If she's in love, your experience will be completely different, very high on the scale of fulfillment.

[Grumpy Bob]

21 hours ago, Els said:

although you've given a lot of detail about the whole kids thing.

err no, the thread is about age differences, and literally all I said was (and I quote) "but I'd be happy to become a step-dad to a couple of pre-teens"

and for some reason people have gone of the deep end, implying that what I was looking for was more children, and that doing so was creepy

[Grumpy Bob]

11 hours ago, justwhoiam said:

As a general rule, I wouldn't date beyond ten years older than me. If the right man came around and he happened to be 11 years older, that wouldn't be a problem. 20, 25 years my senior? No. That'd be in the range of my father's age. And it's quite a different generation compared to mine, for which I have no interest romantically. My man is technically 10 years older than me, but we're 9 years apart for most of the time.

Thank you