Booted My Girlfriend Out for Disrespect?

[soulforge]

28 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Just let this go. 

This is a crazy amount of drama and it means you two are never going to work out. 

 It's hard because there are brilliant times aswell as bad times.

But overall when I try to envision a long term future with her, having a family, living together etc, the amount of strife and struggle it takes to make things work, I really can't see how this can work out.

 

We can get through 8 months without things getting out of hand

[soulforge]

This our third break up in 8 months. The first one was just a little minor one, that lasted only one day. I can't even remember what that was.

The second one was, because she verbally abused me, and I left her house and walked away due to her swearing at me. She sent me a text and ended it, instead of apologising. Later she called me to try and get back together, so I gave it another chance.

And now this.. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Are you worried you can't do better than this or something?

3 break-ups in 8 months is insane. 

[soulforge]

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

Are you worried you can't do better than this or something?

3 break-ups in 8 months is insane. 

I am worried that I might not find a good connection again with girl I am attracted to. Also I want to have a family and children 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 minutes ago, soulforge said:

I am worried that I might not find a good connection again with girl I am attracted to. 

My man, wake-up call: You didn't have a very good connection with this one, either. 

Arguiing this much means you don't connect well. I suspect her looks and her age are clouding your vision here, but this was not a stable relationship with a solid connection. You want her to be someone she's not, and she wanted you to be someone you're not. 

11 minutes ago, soulforge said:

I want to have a family and children 

Anothe wake-up call: That was a pipe dream with this young lady. You two didn't have the foundation to even consider starting a family. 

You are going to have to let go of the relationship you wanted this be, and start accepting that the reality was not going to support the dream. 

[soulforge]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

My man, wake-up call: You didn't have a very good connection with this one, either. 

Arguiing this much means you don't connect well. I suspect her looks and her age are clouding your vision here, but this was not a stable relationship with a solid connection. You want her to be someone she's not, and she wanted you to be someone you're not. 

Anothe wake-up call: That was a pipe dream with this young lady. You two didn't have the foundation to even consider starting a family. 

You are going to have to let go of the relationship you wanted this be, and start accepting that the reality was not going to support the dream. 

I hear you. And maybe it was just wishful thinking.

 

Look many people have arguments in relationships. I don't know a single relationship that doesn't have the odd argument.

With me and her, it was like 3 weeks of happy times, followed by one incident of argument.

Most incidents of argument, managed not to spiral out of control. We simply got over them quickly.

However the last two have been more serious, but this one might not have got so out control if alcohol wasn't involved.

You are right, I am very attracted to her, so this could also be clouding my judgement.

 

[Lotsgoingon]

I don't get it. This was a terrible relationship.

Get your mind off sex. Let's start there. Outside of that, there is still no evidence that she really likes you and brings great things to the relationship. You are lost when you focus only on sex, as if she could press a button and start having sex.

She does not want to have with you--that's the issue. She doesn't want much of that with you. Usually that's a sign that she's not all that physically attracted to you. She can get aroused when you take the initiative, but she's not lusting after you or celebrating and anticipating seeing you and getting physical.

In other words, I don't think she likes you very much. Or she would treat anyone the way she treats you and acts with you.

What the heck are you gutted about? Actually I know. The fact that you stay in a relationship with someone who can come to your place and ignore you indicates you are lacking in confidence. You're willing to let her treat you any old way. So now, because of your lack of confidence, you feel like you lost something previous.

You didn’t. This relationship was a stink bomb. Open the door, raise the windows, let all that nastiness out. 

BTW: Mature people don't get into stupid arguments. What I mean is if she was mature, she wouldn't get in stupid arguments with you and if you were mature, you wouldn't get in stupid arguments with her. Mature people would just notice that they were with someone not mature and so they’ll walk away.  So now I'll reverse myself: you two are well matched. But really you should take this opportunity to do some reflecting and figure out what you are attracted to nonsense and neglect and to a woman who very likely isn't that attracted to you. 

 

[soulforge]

12 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

My man, wake-up call: You didn't have a very good connection with this one, either. 

Arguiing this much means you don't connect well. I suspect her looks and her age are clouding your vision here, but this was not a stable relationship with a solid connection. You want her to be someone she's not, and she wanted you to be someone you're not. 

Anothe wake-up call: That was a pipe dream with this young lady. You two didn't have the foundation to even consider starting a family. 

You are going to have to let go of the relationship you wanted this be, and start accepting that the reality was not going to support the dream. 

 

Also she didn't try to change me in anyway or I her in anyway.

 

I always let her do the social media thing. I Never asked her to take herself off anything. She is on all the social media platforms. Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat. 

 

All I ever asked for is a little courtesy for someone you love, by not being on the phone all the time when we are together. And she did that for me too, she did actually tone it down.

Relationships sometimes are about finding a middle ground, without turning your partner into someone else.

It's just my request for NEITHER of us to be using devices at the dinner table, triggered a negative response from her which got heated and escalated.

[JTSW]

Firstly, she is 25, she's so young and still in her social media/partying years.

She definitely wouldn't be uninterested in sex at this young age.

This tells me that she has been using you and possibly already sleeping with someone else.

You are 20 years past that.

It's a very big age gap so your maturity levels are both completely different.

You are totally incompatible. 

It sounded like a father telling his daughter to get off her phone at the dinner table.

Edited June 26, 2023 by JTSW

[JTSW]

You are both in completely different worlds.

Edited June 26, 2023 by JTSW

[soulforge]

4 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I don't get it. This was a terrible relationship.

Get your mind off sex. Let's start there. Outside of that, there is still no evidence that she really likes you and brings great things to the relationship. You are lost when you focus only on sex, as if she could press a button and start having sex.

She does not want to have with you--that's the issue. She doesn't want much of that with you. Usually that's a sign that she's not all that physically attracted to you. She can get aroused when you take the initiative, but she's not lusting after you or celebrating and anticipating seeing you and getting physical.

In other words, I don't think she likes you very much. Or she would treat anyone the way she treats you and acts with you.

What the heck are you gutted about? Actually I know. The fact that you stay in a relationship with someone who can come to your place and ignore you indicates you are lacking in confidence. You're willing to let her treat you any old way. So now, because of your lack of confidence, you feel like you lost something previous.

You didn’t. This relationship was a stink bomb. Open the door, raise the windows, let all that nastiness out. 

BTW: Mature people don't get into stupid arguments. What I mean is if she was mature, she wouldn't get in stupid arguments with you and if you were mature, you wouldn't get in stupid arguments with her. Mature people would just notice that they were with someone not mature and so they’ll walk away.  So now I'll reverse myself: you two are well matched. But really you should take this opportunity to do some reflecting and figure out what you are attracted to nonsense and neglect and to a woman who very likely isn't that attracted to you. 

 

Honestly my friend I appreciate your input. But I can tell that she was attracted to me sexualy. We had a great sex life..  And she would complain if we didn't have sex for a while.

I think she just got too comfortable with me making all the moves when it came to intimacy, which is fine.. but time to time, a man wants to feel like his woman really wants him too.

 

Also this... Your only looking at the situations that got out of control and not handled well by both of us. However there are many incidents that could have turned into arguments, that I rationally and calmly dealt with, without anger and without a big fuss.

[soulforge]

6 minutes ago, soulforge said:

 

Also she didn't try to change me in anyway or I her in anyway.

 

I always let her do the social media thing. I Never asked her to take herself off anything. She is on all the social media platforms. Instagram, Facebook, Snapchat. 

 

All I ever asked for is a little courtesy for someone you love, by not being on the phone all the time when we are together. And she did that for me too, she did actually tone it down.

Relationships sometimes are about finding a middle ground, without turning your partner into someone else.

It's just my request for NEITHER of us to be using devices at the dinner table, triggered a negative response from her which got heated and escalated.

I don't believe she was sleeping around, I promise you that. I just know. 

However does she have the options to sleep around. Yes absolutely 

[soulforge]

7 minutes ago, JTSW said:

You are both in completely different worlds.

 

I honestly do not understand this logic!

 

What two different worlds?

She uses social media and I sit at home banging two rocks together lol

 

I am on social media too... I run manage two YouTube channels. I also use my phone very often.

 

I just happen to understand that around company and around the dinner table, just out of politeness I should curb my phone use a little.

 

We both also drink alcohol, however both of us have curbed how much we drink, and both decided keep drinking to a bare minimum on a Saturday and no other days.

 

 

Edited June 26, 2023 by soulforge

[JTSW]

2 minutes ago, soulforge said:

What two different worlds?

Age wise.

You are old enough to be her father.

You're older, mature, sensible.

She is still just a child.

The age gap is the same age gap between my husband and his son.

[JTSW]

6 minutes ago, soulforge said:

We both also drink alcohol, however both of us have curbed how much we drink, and both decided keep drinking to a bare minimum on a Saturday and no other days.

This has absolutely no relevance. 

 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

She is much younger than you.  I have a niece who is 35 and her man is 50 and they got into a lot of heated arguments like you and your Ex(I am assuming)did.  He would kick her out too.  Finally, She just mainly stays in her own place every night and rarely sees him unless she needs a favor.  So obvious.  You did the right thing.  It seems odd for a girl this age to not be into sex.  I also don't trust her being Online so much and on her Phone.  Keep her blocked.  Don't take her back.  If she comes Around, Don't let her in.  It is a 😒toxic relationship.

Edited June 26, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23

[soulforge]

6 minutes ago, Ageless Wisdom23 said:

She is much younger than you.  I have a niece who is 35 and her man is 50 and they got into a lot of heated arguments like you and your Ex(I am assuming)did.  He would kick her out too.  Finally, She just mainly stays in her own place every night and rarely sees him unless she needs a favor.  So obvious.  You did the right thing.  It seems odd for a girl this age to not be into sex.  I also don't trust her being Online so much and on her Phone.  Keep her blocked.  Don't take her back.  If she comes Around, Don't let her in.  It is a 😒toxic relationship.

 

I won't lie... With her being on Instagram, various chat groups, I sometimes do feel a little insecure about who she might be talking with, who she might be connecting with, but I Never turned it into a big issue.

Yes we had a conversation about not chatting the opposite sex one on one etc, but I never one checked her Instagram or asked her to remove herself from any of these platforms.

 

It's not been easy, sometimes it was stressful. Sometimes when I notice she is messaging in a chat room/group online, my mind begins to wander who it might be.

 

But honestly I don't think she ever strayed. 

[soulforge]

11 minutes ago, Ageless Wisdom23 said:

She is much younger than you.  I have a niece who is 35 and her man is 50 and they got into a lot of heated arguments like you and your Ex(I am assuming)did.  He would kick her out too.  Finally, She just mainly stays in her own place every night and rarely sees him unless she needs a favor.  So obvious.  You did the right thing.  It seems odd for a girl this age to not be into sex.  I also don't trust her being Online so much and on her Phone.  Keep her blocked.  Don't take her back.  If she comes Around, Don't let her in.  It is a 😒toxic relationship.

 

Is your neice and the older man still together? Or it's become too toxic.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, soulforge said:

What two different worlds?

If you genuinely have no clue, we won't be able to help you understand. 

[Alpacalia]

7 hours ago, soulforge said:

I think because you are reading something I have posted, it's difficult for you to fully grasp my thoughts.

Me requesting that we have device free meals together, wasn't actually aimed at her. It's was aimed at ME

 Both of us in the past have had our devices at the dinner table. 

I simply suggested that both of us in the future should try to have a nice meal and conversation without devices. I actually specified clearly this isn't aimed at you, it's just that I think we should get away from our phones on the odd occasion.

 

She then turned this into an argument 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

She probably is on it to tune you out. That isn't really a stretch for why she could be using it--but this really is not the issue.

Sure, she's young, so social media is probably more attractive to her.

The issue is that it's a distraction, and it prevents dinner time from being a nice bonding time for both you. That you had a suggestion that you both could implement for your relationship. This means it has to be a two-way conversation and decision.

While you may have tried to make it clear that it was not aimed at her, recognize that she may feel like it is if you worded the suggestion such that she picks up the "odd occasions" as an extra effort for her to put in.

If she watched her favorite TV series, I guarantee she would be less likely to spend all her time on her phone. If you two did more activities that she enjoys, she'll be more attentive and the phone will become less of a distraction.

Instead of relying on sex to deepen your connection with her, demonstrating your understanding of the things she loves and desires would have been a better way to foster closeness. Taking note of her wishes can spark a closer emotional bond, allowing for more physical and emotional intimacy later.

Unless she can put down her phone to be present and refuses any kind of intimacy, even kissing (that's not intimacy, just being affectionate), then you're not compatible. You’ll continue feeling resentful and angry and it will only dissolve into toxicity. You're both already well beyond that point.

Edited June 26, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Els]

On 6/25/2023 at 9:38 PM, soulforge said:

She can be quite a argumentative person and does have some masculine/aggressive streak to her

You say this, but in all honesty, throughout your entire post, it sounds like you initiated more arguments and behaved more aggressively than she did. Also, why would you even expect to have sex that weekend considering all the arguments that happened?

The no-phones-at-dinner event is crazy. It's not unreasonable to ASK nicely for it, but it is absolutely unreasonable to "lay down the law" like she's your teenage daughter and expect her to just kowtow. She's an adult, and your equal. Which brings me to the question... DO you view her as an equal?

Quote

This particular weekend I drank more because I was upset from all the arguments, I normally don't have anything more than two drinks. When my girlfriend decided to go to bed without me, I was on my own downstairs and decide to have a couple of drinks too many.

I can't even begin to address the ridiculousness of this justification. Your "reason" for why you got drunk is because your girlfriend didn't want to have sex with you and you had an argument. I mean... really? How old are you again?

[Els]

New post because I couldn't edit. The crux of it is, I think we can all agree that this relationship is basically done and there's no point prolonging it. Except I don't agree that you should date someone your age... I don't think a 45-yo woman would accept all these excuses that you are making. Perhaps stay single for a bit while you work on your issues with a therapist.

[soulforge]

26 minutes ago, Els said:

You say this, but in all honesty, throughout your entire post, it sounds like you initiated more arguments and behaved more aggressively than she did. Also, why would you even expect to have sex that weekend considering all the arguments that happened?

The no-phones-at-dinner event is crazy. It's not unreasonable to ASK nicely for it, but it is absolutely unreasonable to "lay down the law" like she's your teenage daughter and expect her to just kowtow. She's an adult, and your equal. Which brings me to the question... DO you view her as an equal?

I can't even begin to address the ridiculousness of this justification. Your "reason" for why you got drunk is because your girlfriend didn't want to have sex with you and you had an argument. I mean... really? How old are you again?

Did you even read my post... Who laid down the law about phones at the dinner table. It was a suggestion. And yes in my house I do have some rules and boundaries. You either accept them or you don't. I won't tolerate being ignored at the dinner table after I have cooked, so you can chat to a bunch of people in some chat group.

 

You may not have any standards in a LTR but I certainly do. 

Also your looking at just one part of my post about intimacy. I wasn't expecting or annoyed about us not having sex on Saturday. It's was all the other times we missed out on intimacy when I didn't make 100% of the effort to make it happen.

Try maybe reading properly.

[soulforge]

27 minutes ago, Els said:

New post because I couldn't edit. The crux of it is, I think we can all agree that this relationship is basically done and there's no point prolonging it. Except I don't agree that you should date someone your age... I don't think a 45-yo woman would accept all these excuses that you are making. Perhaps stay single for a bit while you work on your issues with a therapist.

Are you really that bad at reading. 

 

When did I state that I STILL was expecting sex even after all the arguments. I was literally turned off by all the arguments and the last thing I wanted was sex.

If you had read the original post Correctly, you would realise that there was NO agression involved when I requested politely that WE BOTH SHOULD avoid constantly being on our phones at the dinner table. 

 

Maybe you don't have any standards in a relationship, but some of us do.

 

A person with half a brain realises that if you have cooked a nice meal for a person and you both want to enjoy the meal and the company, chatting to Fred, Mike, and Jessica at the same time on some online chat group is a little bit of an ignorant thing to do.

I have the courage to set some standards in my life and relationships, courage that you clearly lack.

 

And also openly admited in my post that my reaction early in the morning was over the top, because I had quite alot to drink and was upset at the same time.

 

That's the nature of alcohol it makes you over react with your emotions.

 

And before you go on about control your drinking. I'm a super healthy person, gym 5x a week, lots of running, cycling, I don't smoke and hardly drink.

 

This was a one off situation where I drank because she went upto bed and went to sleep and I was bored downstairs. I was not expecting her to kick off with me again at 3am, my plan was to simply go to sleep.

[Els]

27 minutes ago, soulforge said:

Who laid down the law about phones at the dinner table. It was a suggestion. And yes in my house I do have some rules and boundaries. You either accept them or you don't. I won't tolerate being ignored at the dinner table after I have cooked

LOL. And you don't see AT ALL how this is a parent-child dynamic? You swear up and down that it's "just a suggestion", but I think it's clear to everyone that it's not.

It's also rather telling that you deigned to post a 300-word response to my comment, but completely ignored the question: DO you view her as an equal?

Mate, look. You have a pattern in all of your previous relationships that you have repeated, and you don't see it. It may help to remind yourself of this last post of yours, where you also "booted your girlfriend out for being disrespectful", after your vodka binge also led to a huge argument:

Quote

At this point I got somewhat angry, and through a plastic cup across the floor, and told her, I don't know who she thinks she is talking to me like this.. I was also quite tipsy from the vodka, and normally would not get that angry or upset.

And then this other gem, which I won't even bother to comment on:

I've got no skin in this game. I'm happily married to my partner of 15 years, and when we have problems, we talk as equals. We talk about how we feel about things, we don't dub the other person "argumentative" when they disagree. And we certainly don't have massive rage-filled arguments after drinking and then blame the drinking on arguments...

You're repeating toxic relationships and behavioral patterns over and over, and you don't seem to see it. So, talk to a therapist about it, or don't. Like I said, it's not my problem. It's only.... wait for it... a suggestion.

Edited June 26, 2023 by Els