toughspot Posted November 8, 2005 Posted November 8, 2005 First off i want to thank all of the posters who have given me advice on my friend and her's fiancee's situation thus far. You can read my other two threads to get background info. I am posting again for some more opinions. I want to state, that I am absolutely finished and have no doubt i will stay away from my friend's fiancee. I am now completly disgusted and mad with him and myself. His last attempt to get me in bed after seeming so sincere in our last conversation that he was reinvested in his relationship. what a joke. this guy is so confused. I am getting different advice, and am not sure of the best way to handle a bad situation. I know there are no easy answers, and perhaps no "right thing to do". I was hoping people would have personal experiences of similiar situations to share. So it boils down to , do i tell my friend, that her fiancee came on to me three times, and that i gave in to it once physically and once emotionally? It was first emotional cheating, and then physical and then me telling him NO! Most say, I have to tell her because any woman deserves to know what is really going on with her man, that she "needs to know". SOme say, it would be selfish of me to confess inorder to clear my own conscious (which i sorta agree with), that because i have no credibility because i gave in and erred, that she'll make excuses, never talk to me again (which I am prepared for and willing to accept if that is the outcome of telling), not believe me, marry him anyway and cause more pain and drama in the end. Utimately, that telling will cause more pain and harm than good. The last thing i want to do is cause more pain. I know some of you said, I already created the drama, and I have to say yes, i made a big mistake, my biggest ever and I AM AWARE OF THIS! LIke most of you, I always thought, how can a woman be the OW, how can people cheat on each other and cause such pain. I stood that ground my whole life and then, my human vunerability and need to be loved and accepted overrode my loyalty to an old high school friend who's wedding I am in. It's messed up, I know. I can't stop thinking about it. Any personal experiences, even if you knew someone in this situation, would be helpful. If you could, could u state your age, because I find that younger people say tell , be loyal, while older (perhaps wiser) people, say that i should mind my own business, not cause such pain and not be selfish by confessing. THANKS YOU AHEAD OF TIME!
whichwayisup Posted November 8, 2005 Posted November 8, 2005 The problem is if you don't tell her there is a chance he will and he'll make it seem like YOU came on to him three times and HE ended it. It's an awful situation you're in right now. Telling you now, "you should have done this or that" makes no difference as the damage is done. I'm 34 years old. And I don't know what I would do in a situation like that. I could easily say "I'd do this/that" but until you're actually in it, I believe noone really knows until they have to deal with it head-on. Go with what your gut tells you to do. That's all really you can do. Sorry, I'm not much help here.
EnigmaXOXO Posted November 8, 2005 Posted November 8, 2005 I'm sorry to say that I have to turn down your kind invitation to be included in your wedding plans. I think your new life should include being surrounded by friends and family who sincerely have your best interests at heart. Unfortunately, I have done something that true friends should never do to each other. I'm not sure why I did it. I'm still struggling to make sense of it all, myself. While I understand that you will want nothing more to do with me once I've told you the truth, there's a part of me that still thinks you deserve to have all the facts before you make any decisions which may affect the rest of your life. Whatever you decide to do with this information after I leave is solely up to you. Then tell her… I think it is important here that you refrain from placing blame on anyone except yourself. Accept accountability for only your part in the equation rather than targeting anyone else. If she asks for details, then give them to her … but be cautious about making any derogatory remarks about her fiancé' which may give her the impression that you are trying to pit them against each other or sway the outcome in your favor. Do not choose sides or lead her into making any decisions one way or another. Let her come to her own conclusions regarding the character of the man she is about to marry. I think you should also prepare yourself for the potential face-to-face with her fiancé if he decides to save his own ayas by throwing you to the lions. Stick to the honest facts and let 'truth' be your shield. It may be the only thing you'll have to stand behind should the angry villagers (family and friends) start throwing stones and make you their martyr. Sorry Toughspot...but that's about the best I could come up with.
seachange Posted November 8, 2005 Posted November 8, 2005 It does come down to motives - when I advised you to tell in an earlier thread, it's because I was assuming you two have been friends a while and you care about her ultimate happiness - so therefore, you want to tell her out of friendship, not guilt. If you do tell, do it for her, not because you want anything (even forgiveness) in return. Also, for more info from an OW's standpoint, you might try checking out gloryb dot com. She addresses the to tell or not to tell issue, and there is some food for thought there as well.
EnigmaXOXO Posted November 8, 2005 Posted November 8, 2005 Well…not really sure about that. A part of me still feels that our wayward bridesmaid may be endangering her life. While the other half of me feels whatever knee-jerk reaction the bride might have would be absolutely justified. It's just the most tactful idea that I could possibly come up with (given my lack thereof ) to prevent this whole ordeal from morphing into another 'Jerry Springer' moment. Of course…it's probably already too late for that.
newbby Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 i think enigma has pointed out some things worth considering. if you tell her she will undoubtedly want to know more. how can you present this information truthfully without laying some blame on him? it would be extremely difficult. whether she should know or not boils down to whether you believe it was a genuine mistake on his part and one which he would be unlikely to repeat or not. it could be. after all, it is a mistake you made also and one that i am sure you would not repeat. its a tricky one.
Owl Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 I say tell her...and tell her the complete truth. Reality is that you may lose her as a friend too...that tends to be the consequences of affairs after all. And realize that this truly isn't a consequence of you telling her the truth...but it IS a consequence of what happened. Tell her so that she knows the truth about him...BEFORE she gets married. Tell her the truth so that she can make her own decision to marry him...armed with ALL of the knowledge. Tell her that you want to have an honest friendship with her, and that you couldn't do that with this HUGE secret between you. Tell her so that he doesn't ever try that again...at least not with you, and hopefully not with anyone else. There are so many reasons why you SHOULD tell her....and the only true reason I can see for not telling her is fear...fear of her reaction when she finds out. But, if she is a true friend...she deserves to know. If it happened to you...if your fiance shtupped your best friend...wouldn't you want her to be honest with you so that you had the choice of what to do?
Recommended Posts