My Fiance had a one night stand I left him but now he is wanting me back.

[SarmaNY]

I  want to start by saying. I was divorced in 2018, my now Ex husband was abusive physically and emotionally and he cheated. He beat me into a coma and caused me to miscarry our child. I got my life together by divorcing him and starting over. I met my current Fiance in 2021. He has always been wonderful, supportive and a great role model to my kids. I have two a son and daughter. He and I are power couples!  He is a Lawyer and I am a Entrepreneur.  We have always had meeting in other states and we have often traveled alone and never had trust issues, we have to network and have business dinners with clients. He  had never given me a reason to suspect he would cheat on me. Especially knowing what my Ex-Husband put me through. 

 He did cheat on me. He had a one night stand with his Ex High school girlfriend. They were at their high school reunion. She is married with 4 kids! it was a one time thing, he told me what happened when he returned home. I do give him credit for telling me at all. I would have never found out. No one who was there knows me. So he could have just let it go.  

He told me and he was sorry and he was feeling so much guilt. He admitted that he could never keep  anything from me. So he wanted to be upfront and honest. I do consider myself  a tough skinned woman. I usually can let things go and not affect me. But this,  really cut me deep. I'm surprised at the affects it is having on me. I am hurting, I feel my old trust issues on fire again. I am finding it hard for me to even talk to him now.  He wants to make it up  to me, he is calling and stopping by and sending flowers and begging friends to please check in on me. He has even started talking to a professional about his "issues".  I am ghosting him and not responding to text or calls. I cannot even look him in the eyes. I just feel the oddest, uncomfortable, insecure feeling. Maybe it's unhealed emotions from my past marriage. A awful man who loved to feed on misery. Who always made me feel small, even though I was great. I also feel myself questioning if I should just return the ring and let him go. 

Sleeping with someone outside your relationship  is wrong, I know it would never happen again. She is married. He has tried to be transparent with me as possible. But I just can't take him back in. Should I forgive him? Should I move on, again? Is cheating a deal breaker? Why am I feeling almost scared to face him and have dinner and talk?  I am so afraid to have a this much needed conversation with him. I am paralyzed with fear and I don't understand why,  I don't  understand where this is coming from.  Has anyone gone through this? Is it normal to  have  crippling fear,  over a conversation? WTH is wrong with me?

[MsJayne]

I think you're afraid of the conversation because you don't want your relationship to be over but you've also taken enough garbage from self-absorbed men. Coming from an abusive marriage you probably recognise the first warning flags of abusive behaviour, and it often starts with some transgression that they beg forgiveness for, then once they're forgiven that first time, that's it, they no longer respect you because you've allowed them to get away with treating you badly. A man who loves you and respects you doesn't plonk his high school sweetheart at some cheesy school reunion. You're not even married yet and he can't be trusted. He forgot about you very easily and, sorry to be harsh, but if he really loved you he wouldn't have done this. Whether to give the ring back? That depends on how much it's worth. If it's not worth much I'd give it back, but if it's valuable I'd hock it, because that's what he deserves. 

[Wiseman2]

41 minutes ago, SarmaNY said:

. I am paralyzed with fear and I don't understand why,  I don't  understand where this is coming from.  

Sorry this is going on. When did this happen? Please take your time and reflect, don't feel rushed or crowded by his "guilt" behavior. 

Yes it's normal to feel your world has been turned upside down. You're looking at a man and wondering "who is this?"   The man and the relationship you knew has been pulled out from under you.

Try not to make a rash decision by either ending it or forgiving it. Keep in mind, sometimes forgiving is condoning. 

[SarmaNY]

@MsJayne I hate to agree.I think your  spot on. I think my fear is letting go. Not wanting to possibly start over and I think about my kids. They love him so much. I also had to laugh at the hocking of the ring! if it's  cheap  give it back!! Thanks for that! I needed a good laugh and some deep  thought!

Edited June 23, 2023 by SarmaNY

[SarmaNY]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is going on. When did this happen? Please take your time and reflect, don't feel rushed or crowded by his "guilt" behavior. 

Yes it's normal to feel your world has been turned upside down. You're looking at a man and wondering "who is this?"   The man and the relationship you knew has been pulled out from under you.

Try not to make a rash decision by either ending it or forgiving it. Keep in mind, sometimes forgiving is condoning. 

I do feel  the feeling of everything being pulled from underneath me. I felt this before, with my Ex-Husband. I bounced back, and I got away! Now I don't feel the want to get away.  I truly love him. I know many may disagree, but I know he loves me too. I think maybe the fear of letting him back in,  and if he ends up  screwing up  again. If he turns out, God forbid like my Ex, I would hate myself. I would never forgive myself for putting my kids back through the pain of losing another adult they love again. There is a lot to fear. I hate this and I want to face it head on. This happened in April. He and I did not live together so there isn't that entanglement. but he was very much in my day to day life. He was extremely involved with the kids. That  is another thing, he misses them and is begging to please see them. They are wanting him as well. 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

I don't blame you for breaking it off and being wary of him now.  However, He was man enough to tell you.  But that doesn't make your heart mend any faster.  Maybe it never will.  Look at what you had to endure with an EX?  I can understand this.  I am not sure WHY he decided to hook up with an ex from his past.  Did it make her own rutted relationship(I am betting this)a night of magic and with him?  Bring back the old years when he was young and they would "Lie under the stars" on a blanket?  Let's Say....  I would take some time and focus on what you want to do to handle this.  I am not saying it won't happen again but you may never be able to move past this one night stand enough to trust him again.  And is SHE going to try and contact him now?

[SarmaNY]

1 minute ago, S2B said:

When is your wedding date set for? Did he give you a ring?

Our wedding date is set for Next (2024) Fall. Yes, I have a beautiful engagement ring. Debating on what to do with it if we stay apart.