Slapshot2286 Posted November 8, 2005 Posted November 8, 2005 disclaimer: I'm not trying to be a dick. And sorry its so long. Well, me and my gf have been together 2yrs 4 months today. We've seen our share of arguments. Never separated, broken up, or anything of the sort. It was always long distance until recently, when she moved to go to school here (and be with me I'm guessing...cuz that's what everyone keeps saying). Anyway, so she came here, and yeah its great to have her here. Don't get me wrong. I kept trying to figure out why I felt uneasy about things all the time, and I think I might be on to something. First of all, she's getting to be pretty out of shape (she was fit when I met her, but later found out she was anorexic then too...) now, and I find myself less attracted to her. Not only that....like, the sex is great. I used to love doing oral sex on her and everything...but now...its not as nice down there. I won't get into too much detail, but smell/taste is not pleasant like it used to be. I used to LOVE doing it...now, I avoid it. The thing is, I don't want to hurt her feelings by telling her these things. I really care about her. Which brings me to my main point. I'm 19 years old, and a sophomore in college. My girlfriend is everything I want in a wife (although, like I said in the paragraph above...it'd be nice if she were in shape like she used to be ). Until very recently, I wanted to get married and the whole bit. But I figured out that I'm feeling very old, and its depressing. Its not like I want to go out and sleep with a bunch of women and get drunk all the time...or maybe I do? I dunno. I know that when you feel like you're missing out on something, its not a good thing. And the other day, my best friend's mom said to me "This should be the time of your life honey," and rather than I agree, I said (on instinct) "That's what they keep telling me." I surprised myself. I realized that while she is everything I want in a wife, I don't want a wife right now! It's been eating away at me big time the past year. We've talked about marriage and all, and really wanted to, but now I feel trapped. I am very attracted to her emotionally. I love her personality, and she treats me great. But then I find myself saying "well, what if she never goes to the gym? What if she's unmotivated and depressed (because she is depressed, and has lots of anxiety) for the rest of your lives?" Now I know that beauty isn't everything...I know. But I have to believe that you have to be physically attracted to your partner to stay with them forever. You have to be able to be intimate too. My biggest problem is that I realize all this. I want her in my future. I want her to be my wife...but I just don't want it right now. I care about her IMMENSELY, which is why I've been letting it eat away at me for over a year now without saying anything; I don't want to hurt her. The worst part though, is that I know that if I break it off to be a kid until I'm out of college, she's gone...and I don't want to lose her. I love her. I just feel like I'm missing the physical part of our relationship because she doesn't care about herself (even though she used to), and I want to figure it out before I start applying my dissatisfaction with her physical appearance to how I feel about her emotionally. I dunno, I keep trying to sum the situation up, but I'm not doing a good job. One more thing. As I said, she gets depressed and has social anxiety and all that stuff, and doesn't feel good about herself. I don't know how to deal with that. I say the wrong things at the wrong times, because I don't understand how to deal with it the right way. That's not even the worst of it. I REALLLLLLLY feel like her problems are beginning to become mine. I find myself feeling depressed, and thinking like she does. And I hate it. I don't want to fall into the problems she has, but I slowly am. I'm not motivated (although I do go to the gym and strive to be successful still) like I used to be. I dunno....lets just say this relationship is taking a toll on my emotional health. That is all. Ross
Outcast Posted November 8, 2005 Posted November 8, 2005 The sad fact is that love is not enough. You can love someone who's not good for you. You can love someone who is impossible to live with. The thought of spending the rest of your life with someone should fill you with happiness. If it doesn't, no amount of love will overcome your distress. Your unhappiness will eventually kill off your love anyway. There may be a physical reason she's gained weight and tastes funny so first thing is for her to see her physician. If she's depressed, she may need counselling, too. You might stick around while she does this to see if there's a cause and a cure for what ails her but if nothing can be changed or changes, then you may have to acknowledge that loving her is just not enough to sustain you for the next fifty or sixty years of living with her and leave the relationship.
Author Slapshot2286 Posted November 8, 2005 Author Posted November 8, 2005 Yeah she has seen her OBGYN, and from what I know, there's nothing to report there. She's also seeing a counselor right now (today actually) for her anxiety. The counseling is making her better (more emotionally stable), but not affecting her weight (obviously). The more emotionally whole she becomes, the more I like her personality. But it still doesn't fix the physical aspet of it. I just feel like something's missing....
Walk Posted November 8, 2005 Posted November 8, 2005 It's obvious you love her... but people change a LOT between 19 and 30. Neither of you will be the same as you are now. If you want to try to make this work, and are concerned with the physical aspect (assuming she is working on the emotional), then maybe you could join a gym together? Or if you have a heart to heart with her about wanting her to be healthy. NOT THIN. Healthy. You have to eat healthy too. If she was battling anorexia, you've got an extremely fine line to walk on this subject. Maybe someone who has more experience in this could give you better suggestions on this, but I do know that if you make it into physically appearance, you run the risk of sending her back to square one on the anorexia. Her eating habits my have changed the taste, etc. of her discharge. I've read that different diets do affect this. And I know an ex bf who's "secretions" tasted horrible if he ate alot of fast food. My other advice. I keep hearing this, maybe it'll help you. If it's becoming emotionally too much, then it's time to leave. If you can't be the best you need to be, then you need to leave. You can't make someone else happy if you aren't. And no amount of staying on your part can solve her problems. You can be supportive, but she has to do the work to fix herself.
Author Slapshot2286 Posted November 8, 2005 Author Posted November 8, 2005 see thats the other thing. We DID join a gym together...but then she stopped wanting to go. I dalso don't want to leave because I know she's going through a lot and leaving her would only make it harder. The same goes for mentioning her being healthy. I try mentioning it that way (and I eat VERY healthy) but she just doesn't respond. I don't know what to do.......
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted November 8, 2005 Posted November 8, 2005 There's nothing wrong with not wanting to get married at 19. There's something very wrong with you no longer being attracted to her. It sounds like you're falling out of love.
Author Slapshot2286 Posted November 9, 2005 Author Posted November 9, 2005 And I WOULD agree, except I'm pretty sure I fell out of love a few months ago, but I think its coming back. Lately I've felt much better about things, and about her (as far as being in love with her). What I mean to say, is that I've become more attracted to her personality and the relationship we have...its just...she doesn't take care of herself. It really gets to me, especially since I'm so proactive about taking care of myself. She lives a different lifestyle in that respect. Her eating habits my have changed the taste, etc. of her discharge. I've read that different diets do affect this. And I know an ex bf who's "secretions" tasted horrible if he ate alot of fast food. My other advice. I keep hearing this, maybe it'll help you. If it's becoming emotionally too much, then it's time to leave. If you can't be the best you need to be, then you need to leave. You can't make someone else happy if you aren't. And no amount of staying on your part can solve her problems. You can be supportive, but she has to do the work to fix herself. I'm not sure about why she's different down below....but I know its impossible to tell her. I tried to gather up the courage to confront her about it tonight, but then I figured today wasn't a good day ( she likes to celebrate the monthly anniversaries...and today is one of them) to mention it. I know I can't solve her problems, but if I were ever going to leave, I'd want to make sure she was at least emotionally stable enough to handle it. I don't want to "dump" her. I guess my big dilemma is that I don't want to "explore other options," because I know she's the one I want to be with. But since I've only slept with her.... I think I want to know what else is there. Just live a little bit. I know its asking the impossible for that to happen, and I don't expect it to, I only wish it were so.
I Luv the Chariot OH Posted November 9, 2005 Posted November 9, 2005 But you're 19 years old. How could you know who you want to spend the rest of your life with when you're so young? If you're unsure now, time will only make her less attractive. These are supposed to be your best years.
Author Slapshot2286 Posted November 9, 2005 Author Posted November 9, 2005 But you're 19 years old. How could you know who you want to spend the rest of your life with when you're so young? If you're unsure now, time will only make her less attractive. These are supposed to be your best years. I know because I feel it. I know these are supposed to be my best years....and...they're not right now. I don't know why. What am I supposed to do?
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