3 month follow up- New question

[Stargazer01]

So I wrote a previous post regarding my breakup. Basically he was big time verbally abusive on two occasions and I saw things throughout our relationship that just didn't feel right. I broke up with him because I knew that's not what I wanted for my life. It's going to be three months in about a week.

My question is...I still miss him and think about him everyday. Wondering who he is with. And if he were to look for me I know I would get back together with him. I had surgery right before our breakup and I was off work for 7 weeks recovering. I feel like that delayed my breakup healing because I literally could not do anything. I was at home in bed doing nothing really other than think and think.

I reached out to him about three weeks ago. I know, I'm rolling my eyes at myself too! No, he never reached out to me, other than one week after our breakup asking how my recovery was going which I never responded to. Sooo this is where I'm getting confused. He returned my text within 5 minutes. I basically told him I still miss him and was wondering if he was interested in revisiting our relationship. His response was..."it's not that it's just that it was a little uneasy getting used to not being with you and I just recently been myself again...it's definitely not that I just can't go thru that anymore. But I was honest while I was talking to you if that makes anything better". I said okay, sorry for the text. He said "no, it's okay. I'm just so shocked to hear from you." And that was it. Like I am the bad one. After he raged at me the night before our breakup and blamed me the following day for his anger. I have the audio of that verbal attack and that was the only thing keeping me strong. I know I didn't do anything to deserve that. And I even thought to myself...if he apologizes for talking to me that way we can move past this. But his apology was "I'm sorry for my feelings I did not mean to hurt you but you don't listen the nice way so what else am I suppose to do." I knew then it would not get better because he can't even see it. That was not an apology. Now, I read all over about narcissist's hoovering their victims back in. Is that what I tried to do?? Hoover him back?? Am I the narcissist? 

I've been in therapy now almost three months. Basically, I've known my father was verbally abusive to my mom growing up. I watched this and saw my mom be quiet, submissive, compliant, asking us to be good girls as to not get my dad mad. My therapist pointed out how I am following my mother's behavior which I can't believe I never noticed. I too was quiet, never fought back with angry words. I tend to date guys like this. I also realized I've never had boundaries. I didn't know what my boundaries were. And I explained to my therapist that I never explained to my ex he was crossing a boundary by treating me that way. I would just cry and I figured he knew he was hurting me emotionally by seeing me cry. She said "do you want to be with someone where you have to explain to them that yelling at you and cursing at you is a boundary for you?" I asked her if me reaching out to him meant I am the narcissist here? She laughed and said no you have a lot of empathy. 

Finally...my question. Is this normal behavior after three months? Not over it? I understand I'm going to be missing him but I want to get to a place where I feel it in my heart that I don't want that man back. Where I feel like good riddance!! I'm still seeing my therapist, but I don't really feel like it's been much help.

[Alpacalia]

It's okay to feel sad or miss him. Even after three months.

I still miss certain things from the past.

Many of us build our sense of identity and belonging around these experiences. The past is gone though and can never be fully recovered. Moving into the future doesn't mean abandoning the past, but rather moving forward while still honoring our memories. So although it is okay to miss the good times of the past, even with bad memories speckled in here and there, but it is usually best to recognize those memories and focus on creating new and positive experiences in the present.

You have a lot of empathy and care about your relationships. You were brave enough to leave a situation that didn't feel right to you, and that is an incredibly empowering thing. Don't forget that. By no means are you a narcissist for reaching out to your ex in hopes of revisiting the relationship, but it is highly unlikely that a person who has already been abusive with their words will change their behavior, especially if they are not willing to take ownership for it. 

With what your therapist said. Yes, your therapist is right. If you don't communicate your boundaries to your partner, then how do they know what is okay and what isn't? I would say though to forgive yourself in their lacking. You witnessed some traumatic events growing up and it is not your fault if you have difficulties setting boundaries. But that ship has sailed.

Working with a therapist can really help in establishing a "sense of self" and teaching skills that you can use in all your relationships to keep yourself safe.

Ultimately, you have most likely saved yourself from further heartache and pain in the long-run. That's a good thing!

[JTSW]

5 hours ago, Stargazer01 said:

I understand I'm going to be missing him but I want to get to a place where I feel it in my heart that I don't want that man back. Where I feel like good riddance!!

You will get there.

It takes some people longer than others to heal.

3 months isn't very long so you just need more time.

[glows]

Listen to your therapist and let this roll off your back please. It’s ok to miss someone. You acted on that and he responded. You weren’t happy with his response because it wasn’t an apology. You call him verbally abusive.

In future temper your expectations. You both broke up for a reason so leave it at that. No more what ifs. Shut the door on this permanently and tell yourself it’s ok to fck up now and then. Just know how to pick up and move on. Don’t let this weigh you down.

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm not sure this therapist is any good. She's just telling you the obvious stuff. You need someone who helps you make an emotional shift such that you come to terms with the pain of growing up in an abusive household. 

That you didn't notice your mother's compliance with abuse says you haven't really processed that past. That's a skill that a good therapist would lead you to do. And it's not an intellectual thing. It's go back to that past and reconnect to how you dissociated from the family atmosphere and now imagine not dissociating. 

There is a special therapist skill in not just talking to us logically. Your therapist probably should be talking less about the present and get back how you dissociated and work on undoing that, healing that. 

[Stargazer01]

On 6/22/2023 at 4:20 PM, Lotsgoingon said:

I'm not sure this therapist is any good. She's just telling you the obvious stuff. You need someone who helps you make an emotional shift such that you come to terms with the pain of growing up in an abusive household. 

That you didn't notice your mother's compliance with abuse says you haven't really processed that past. That's a skill that a good therapist would lead you to do. And it's not an intellectual thing. It's go back to that past and reconnect to how you dissociated from the family atmosphere and now imagine not dissociating. 

There is a special therapist skill in not just talking to us logically. Your therapist probably should be talking less about the present and get back how you dissociated and work on undoing that, healing that. 

I think I might have to find another therapist. I don't feel that it's helping me much.

[Stargazer01]

 

On 6/21/2023 at 8:10 PM, Alpacalia said:

It's okay to feel sad or miss him. Even after three months.

I still miss certain things from the past.

Many of us build our sense of identity and belonging around these experiences. The past is gone though and can never be fully recovered. Moving into the future doesn't mean abandoning the past, but rather moving forward while still honoring our memories. So although it is okay to miss the good times of the past, even with bad memories speckled in here and there, but it is usually best to recognize those memories and focus on creating new and positive experiences in the present.

You have a lot of empathy and care about your relationships. You were brave enough to leave a situation that didn't feel right to you, and that is an incredibly empowering thing. Don't forget that. By no means are you a narcissist for reaching out to your ex in hopes of revisiting the relationship, but it is highly unlikely that a person who has already been abusive with their words will change their behavior, especially if they are not willing to take ownership for it. 

With what your therapist said. Yes, your therapist is right. If you don't communicate your boundaries to your partner, then how do they know what is okay and what isn't? I would say though to forgive yourself in their lacking. You witnessed some traumatic events growing up and it is not your fault if you have difficulties setting boundaries. But that ship has sailed.

Working with a therapist can really help in establishing a "sense of self" and teaching skills that you can use in all your relationships to keep yourself safe.

Ultimately, you have most likely saved yourself from further heartache and pain in the long-run. That's a good thing!

Thank you for the reply. I know that I saved myself more heartache in the long run. But I can't seem to shake off this feeling of guilt. Like I'm the problem. He told me that I developed his anger, that his life is good he has nothing to be angry about except my drama. That I put him in a corner and he had no other choice to get his point across because I don't listen the nice way. What else was he supposed to do were his words. He also said I see now why you're single. It's you. And I can't help but think what if it is me. And he's right that's why I've been single for years. He also said he was the closest thing to love I will see because I have real shhhiiii to go through. 

I know I saw many flags in the beginning that he has anger problems. Road rage, random outbursts. He also mentioned to me that his ex said he was a narcissist. But I never asked him the why's to that remark.  I just wish I didn't feel this down about myself. I think it boils down to my core belief of not being enough. Okay, so how do I fix that??

[Wiseman2]

Credit yourself for ending a bad situation. Even though you had a backslide and contracted him, it's just a temporary setback.

Please delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media, contact lists, devices and messaging apps. Try to put this in the past.

It seems like you miss the idea of having a relationship, not this abusive drug dealer per se. 

As far as therapists. Start fresh. See a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.

 

 

[Alpacalia]

13 hours ago, Stargazer01 said:

I just wish I didn't feel this down about myself. I think it boils down to my core belief of not being enough. Okay, so how do I fix that??

Stargazer01, you grew up in a dysfunctional family, and insecurity is the price you paid.

If you want to discover what normal people feel like --those who were lucky enough to be born into functional, normal families --you will need to do some therapy to fix what you never learned. Think of it as impersonal as needing braces because your teeth were crooked and get the therapy you need to live a happy, normal life. Everyone has some kind of handicap to deal with in life, and this is yours.

As an adult, it is your responsibility to take control of your life and make decisions that will bring you happiness and fulfillment. Don't allow past experiences, such as your past relationship with your ex, to limit you. Keep taking steps to move on from any negative feelings that may remain.

Reading books about self-enlightenment and seeking advice from mentors are two ways you can enrich your knowledge.

If your ex was making you feel anxious and distressed, it would have been best to end the relationship. It doesn't sound like your decisions were wrong, you did the best you could at the time. Though his comments may have been hurtful and wrong, don't take them as gospel truth. In fact, use this experience to learn and grow into a better version of yourself.