chickendinner12 Posted June 21, 2023 Posted June 21, 2023 (edited) It seems like all day yesterday people were letting me down. Issue #1 We had planned to get together and have a movie night around 8p. Then my partner texts and said their roommate -- who is a toxic manchild that relies on my partner for almost everything -- was making dinner, can we push it to 8:30. I said sure. Kept me updated that dinner was still cooking. But then 8:30 on the clock turned into 9p and then 9:30 🫤. Still waiting. 9:45 partner texts and asks if it's too late to come over. Apologizes profusely, the dinner took way longer than expected, said they miss me and was really looking forward to tonight. I said let's just reschedule, it'll be 10:30 by the time you get here. I didn't try to go over the top and guilt trip, I just wanted to set a boundary.They said, can we do tomorrow. I said sure. (My alcoholic ex used to do the same thing, we would make plans the hours would tick by and I'd have no idea where he was. It was because he was prioritizing the drinking. ) Was I wrong? Did I overreact? Have not texted with them at all this morning. Maybe they think I'm mad, not sure what to say. Issue #2 My therapist mentioned to me she's going through a trial separation with her husband (which simply means they're getting ready to get divorced) and there's a kid involved. She's starting to cancel sessions at the last minute two sessions in a row, and we only meet every other week anyway. She's entering sessions red-eyed. This week's session was rescheduled at the last minute for 3 days in the future. I don't want her to do a session if she's too messed up and can't focus, but what about my needs as the client. 🫤 I had stuff I wanted to talk about on Tuesday and now I can't do it until Friday? Hello? Is it time to fire her? I'd hate to have to start completely over given we've worked together six months. My life is a disaster. Edited June 21, 2023 by chickendinner12
Alpacalia Posted June 21, 2023 Posted June 21, 2023 (edited) Do you and your partner find yourselves in this situation often? Why couldn't you both try to find a different way to spend time together? I agree it's best to cancel the event and say you would reschedule it for a different time (perhaps at your own time of choosing!) when their roommate was not present. Your approach was fine. Express your concerns to ensure alignment with future plans. If you are still uncomfortable with the idea of watching a film in their house in the future, it could be worth considering an alternate option. Consider finding a new therapist. It is unlikely that she is in an ideal emotional state to provide therapy right now and doesn't sound like she has much time. Remember that therapists need to refrain from discussing their personal lives with clients. She's telling you about her divorce? No, not something she needs to confide in you. Do your research and make sure you get the best therapist for you. "My life is a disaster" may sound extreme, but things come up and plans can be cancelled. Flexibility is key! Even if your partner's roommate is exhibiting similar behaviors, it is still important to remember that he is his own person and may not share the same values and outlooks/viewpoints as you. It may be best to cancel and reschedule the event if the roommate's presence is an issue. Edited June 21, 2023 by Alpacalia
Author chickendinner12 Posted June 21, 2023 Author Posted June 21, 2023 (edited) 57 minutes ago, Alpacalia said: Do you and your partner find yourselves in this situation often? Not really. There was one other time where my partner had to pick the roommate up from work, but we still got together that one night. But I do I think my partner needs to cut this roommate loose. He cannot drive, he works for poverty wages and has little to contribute financially and just generally is not that independent. I'm the total opposite. Quote Consider finding a new therapist. It is unlikely that she is in an ideal emotional state to provide therapy right now and doesn't sound like she has much time. Remember that therapists need to refrain from discussing their personal lives with clients. She's telling you about her divorce? No, not something she needs to confide in you. Do your research and make sure you get the best therapist for you. She's come to a session teary eyed, I've heard her sound emotional during one of these events where she's called to cancel, so I had to ask what's going on. I can sense when something is not right. I appreciate her honesty. But you're probably right, time to cut her loose. Edited June 21, 2023 by chickendinner12
Gaeta Posted June 21, 2023 Posted June 21, 2023 2 hours ago, chickendinner12 said: Issue #1 We had planned to get together and have a movie night around 8p. Then my partner texts and said their roommate -- who is a toxic manchild that relies on my partner for almost everything -- was making dinne Is this really just a room-mate or he's a long term friend or childhood friend? This room-mate has too much power over your partner and your partner needs to put his priority in order. I mean who delays a date to have dinner with their room-mate? no body ever. You did good to reschedule for another day. Ask your therapist to transfer your file to a colleague of hers. 1
Els Posted June 21, 2023 Posted June 21, 2023 2 hours ago, chickendinner12 said: Issue #1 We had planned to get together and have a movie night around 8p. Then my partner texts and said their roommate -- who is a toxic manchild that relies on my partner for almost everything -- was making dinner, can we push it to 8:30. I said sure. Kept me updated that dinner was still cooking. But then 8:30 on the clock turned into 9p and then 9:30 🫤. Still waiting. Whose idea was it to ONLY have movie night together and to have dinner separately? I understand that sometimes a cooked dinner goes haywire and things take longer than expected, but that's why the vast majority of evening dates with an established partner involve having dinner together before the planned activity... If you yourself wanted to eat dinner separately, then I think you are overreacting because these things happen. But if he's the one making these decisions, it sounds like you have a legitimate concern on your hands. Re: Issue 2, there's no right or wrong answer, you just have to decide for yourself whether having her as your therapist is worth putting up with the temporary inconvenience. 1
Els Posted June 21, 2023 Posted June 21, 2023 41 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said: Not really. There was one other time where my partner had to pick the roommate up from work, but we still got together that one night. But I do I think my partner needs to cut this roommate loose. He cannot drive, he works for poverty wages and has little to contribute financially and just generally is not that independent. I'm the total opposite. Huh. So your partner is driving this guy around, and letting him live rent-free??? Something sounds not quite right here... 1
Author chickendinner12 Posted June 21, 2023 Author Posted June 21, 2023 (edited) 37 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Is this really just a room-mate or he's a long term friend or childhood friend? This room-mate has too much power over your partner and your partner needs to put his priority in order. I mean who delays a date to have dinner with their room-mate? no body ever. You did good to reschedule for another day. He's some long term friend, they've known each other way longer than me. I asked once why this guy does not drive. Apparently they've moved around together between several places after my partner made it his responsibility to rescue the roommate from a toxic relationship with his parents where he was highly sheltered. The more I describe it, the odder it sounds. Maybe at some point I need to probe deeper into the nature of their relationship. Edited June 21, 2023 by chickendinner12
Author chickendinner12 Posted June 21, 2023 Author Posted June 21, 2023 (edited) 24 minutes ago, Els said: Whose idea was it to ONLY have movie night together and to have dinner separately? I understand that sometimes a cooked dinner goes haywire and things take longer than expected, but that's why the vast majority of evening dates with an established partner involve having dinner together before the planned activity... If you yourself wanted to eat dinner separately, then I think you are overreacting because these things happen. But if he's the one making these decisions, it sounds like you have a legitimate concern on your hands. We do not always have dinner together as part of our plans, sometimes I will have dinner with family since they live down the road. Usually unless I mention dinner as part of the plans, I guess it's sort of assumed that we will have dinner separately. Sometimes my partner will ask if I've eaten before they come over. Edited June 21, 2023 by chickendinner12
Els Posted June 21, 2023 Posted June 21, 2023 (edited) 6 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said: We do not always have dinner together as part of our plans, sometimes I will have dinner with family since they live down the road. Usually unless I mention dinner as part of the plans, I guess it's sort of assumed that we will have dinner separately. Sometimes my partner will ask if I've eaten before they come over. Interesting. How long have you two been together? I feel like if this is normally the plan, then it's reasonable to expect that sometimes the night will be cancelled. If it's on a weekday night, there's really not all that much time between finishing dinner and having to go to bed, so sometimes plans will get derailed. I agree that the relationship with their roommate sounds odd though. It's very rare for someone to drive a platonic friend around everywhere and to financially support them. Edited June 21, 2023 by Els
Wiseman2 Posted June 21, 2023 Posted June 21, 2023 11 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said: , they've known each other way longer than me. they've moved around together between several places. Yes this could definitely be frustrating. It seems like they're a couple and you're fifth wheel. All you can do is step back. As far as the therapist introducing her personal problems into your sessions, you need to find a different therapist. Go to a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support.
Author chickendinner12 Posted June 21, 2023 Author Posted June 21, 2023 (edited) 10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: As far as the therapist introducing her personal problems into your sessions, you need to find a different therapist. I hope we all take a moment to acknowledge that this is easier said than done. There is a terrible shortage of therapists in this country, especially since Covid. It took me two months and maybe 20 different contacts to hook up with this one. Once I fire her, I have no one I can go to for advice. Edited June 21, 2023 by chickendinner12
Author chickendinner12 Posted June 21, 2023 Author Posted June 21, 2023 (edited) 12 minutes ago, Els said: I agree that the relationship with their roommate sounds odd though. It's very rare for someone to drive a platonic friend around everywhere and to financially support them. It's odd. I don't know how to approach it and how much to push the question. I know the roomate has a partner in Texas (my partner drove him to the airport so he could go outta town to visit). Quote . How long have you two been together? About 4 months. Edited June 21, 2023 by chickendinner12
glows Posted June 21, 2023 Posted June 21, 2023 I’d have seen enough at this point. You can ask directly but your partner may feel offended. They’ve shown you and already told you how much they do for this roommate and even the origins of their relationship (helping get out of some parental situation). The ball is really in your court to either accept your partner for what they are or move along. If you’re going to bring this up at all I’d express it with “I” statements such as “I know you were trying to do a good thing the other night making dinner for X but I was disappointed we didn’t manage to stick to our plan.” Be prepared that your partner in turn may be very disappointed that you weren’t honest and direct from the get go about how you really felt about the situation. I would not tell someone how to prioritize relationships in a relationship. I’ve too much respect for someone I’m dating to do that.
Author chickendinner12 Posted June 21, 2023 Author Posted June 21, 2023 (edited) 13 minutes ago, glows said: I’d have seen enough at this point. You can ask directly but your partner may feel offended. They’ve shown you and already told you how much they do for this roommate and even the origins of their relationship (helping get out of some parental situation). The ball is really in your court to either accept your partner for what they are or move along. I've never liked the "just end it" advice. I feel like we should at least discuss the concerns in person. Last night over the phone wouldn't have been it. Edited June 21, 2023 by chickendinner12
MsJayne Posted June 21, 2023 Posted June 21, 2023 Therapists are human too, so maybe cut her some slack and just ask her to refer you to a colleague. The late dinner excuse, that would tick me off because it's extremely rude, and the molly-coddling the flatmate thing I would take as a warning. He stood you up because he made pandering to the flatmate his priority. There's something unhealthy about that, as there is about saying "we miss you", as if you're the third person in their relationship. I'd definitely be having a discussion about being taken for granted at the very least, and if you want the relationship to progress Toxic Manchild is going to have to find a new host, but I'd be very careful how I approached that topic. 1
Alpacalia Posted June 21, 2023 Posted June 21, 2023 3 hours ago, chickendinner12 said: Not really. There was one other time where my partner had to pick the roommate up from work, but we still got together that one night. But I do I think my partner needs to cut this roommate loose. He cannot drive, he works for poverty wages and has little to contribute financially and just generally is not that independent. I'm the total opposite. No, I think it's possible for your partner to be close with a roommate without it being a problem. There does seem to be more dependence on your partner than is typical. How does your partner feel about the roommate's dependency? Have they lived together a long time? Have you been dating for a long time? I know you aren't particularly fond of this roommate, but that's where the roommate lives. It's technically not mandatory for the roommate to leave the house so that you and your partner can spend time together. Sure, it would be nice if he did. Find out how your partner feels about the situation. He might be okay with it, but not if it's frequent.
Wiseman2 Posted June 21, 2023 Posted June 21, 2023 3 hours ago, chickendinner12 said: they've moved around together between several places after my partner made it his responsibility to rescue the roommate You seem unhappy with the situation. Have you two spoken about it? Is this the same person?:
Author chickendinner12 Posted June 21, 2023 Author Posted June 21, 2023 4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said: You seem unhappy with the situation. Have you two spoken about it? Is this the same person?: Yes, same person. This roommate really hasn't been a big problem until last night.That's the first time I've had to cancel altogether and I certainly don't want that to continue.
basil67 Posted June 21, 2023 Posted June 21, 2023 Kindly, you're blowing this out of proportion. This is the first time this issue has happened with your boyfriend. And your therapist has some major stuff going on right now. I'd cut them both a break for now (but not ongoing) What is the functional capacity of your boyfriend's flatmate? Perhaps he actually needs support and your boyfriend is happy to be that person?
smackie9 Posted June 21, 2023 Posted June 21, 2023 (edited) I'll touch on the therapist first. Have some sympathy, she's only human and going through a real tough time. She's trying to hang in there as best as she can. BUT it's not very professional of her. She should make arrangements for a fill in for her patients and take a leave of absence to get her $%^& sorted out. What you need to do is take things into your own hands and ask for another therapist or seek out one yourself promptly. Sitting on your hands complaining won't do. As for your BF, you need to put your foot down. Stop being a people pleaser. Tell him: regardless of the apology, you still need to see improved action from his end. He needs to make you a priority, not his roommate. He shouldn't be blowing you off to appease him. THINGS HAVE TO CHANGE! He needs to be on time, and if he can't make it, to notify you at an appropriate time. So far he has been totally inconsiderate and this is unacceptable. When you learn to be assertive, you will get things done. Tho people say you should relax about it more, I say nip this in the bud before you get taken advantage of. People can be on their best behavior at the beginning, but over time bad things can start to unravel. Edited June 21, 2023 by smackie9
Wiseman2 Posted June 21, 2023 Posted June 21, 2023 7 hours ago, chickendinner12 said: Is it time to fire her? I'd hate to have to start completely over given we've worked together six months. If you feel she's being unethical in cancellations, dragging her personal issues into your sessions and so on, you can ask her for a referral or your healthcare insurance or healthcare providers. A referral works better. It's not "easy" to switch horses, but if her personal problems are affecting your therapy and the purpose you're there for, it's time to help yourself by asking. The situation has changed so you may have to find a solution.
Author chickendinner12 Posted June 22, 2023 Author Posted June 22, 2023 3 hours ago, basil67 said: Kindly, you're blowing this out of proportion. This is the first time this issue has happened with your boyfriend. Not exactly, there's been many times where we've had to delay things slightly to allow time for him to babysit the manchild, this thing last night was the most extreme case: 'Forgot I had to bleech Jake's hair, so around 7:30 if that's okay?" "I forgot there was a drag show I agreed to go with my roommate Jake." "Just dropped off Jake." " Would it be okay pushing it back to 8:30? Jake is making dinner..." This was the first time we've had to cancel because he spent too much time with his roommate. Quote What is the functional capacity of your boyfriend's flatmate? Perhaps he actually needs support and your boyfriend is happy to be that person? I think we can agree a 25ish year old man who cannot drive is underdeveloped.
Alpacalia Posted June 22, 2023 Posted June 22, 2023 (edited) This needs to be dealt with with your partner. Clearly you feel frustrated because your partner is not giving you the attention and time you need due to this roommate. If you feel your partner prioritizes the roommate's needs over yours and cannot provide a valid reason for why your partner chooses to focus on the roommate over you, then it could be time to consider making a change. Hammering on about the roommate isn't going to make the problem go away. Edited June 22, 2023 by Alpacalia
basil67 Posted June 22, 2023 Posted June 22, 2023 1 hour ago, chickendinner12 said: Not exactly, there's been many times where we've had to delay things slightly to allow time for him to babysit the manchild, this thing last night was the most extreme case: 'Forgot I had to bleech Jake's hair, so around 7:30 if that's okay?" "I forgot there was a drag show I agreed to go with my roommate Jake." "Just dropped off Jake." " Would it be okay pushing it back to 8:30? Jake is making dinner..." This was the first time we've had to cancel because he spent too much time with his roommate. I think we can agree a 25ish year old man who cannot drive is underdeveloped. Hardly. I know I number of educated and working 25yos who don't drive. We live in an area with excellent public transport, so they don't see the need. My daughter can drive but doesn't own a car for the same reason. My question is whether or not the flat mate NEEDS help. Do they have a mild intellectual disability?
JTSW Posted June 22, 2023 Posted June 22, 2023 7 hours ago, chickendinner12 said: I think we can agree a 25ish year old man who cannot drive is underdeveloped. I totally disagree. I didn't drive until I was 26 and I'm not underdeveloped. People do it when they are ready and that was when I felt ready.
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