What to do about my dating situation? Am I in a relationship without knowing?

June 21, 2023

Hi,

I hope you are well. I haven't posted in a while. My last post was about my breakup with my ex-partner. The situation has now been resolved, she didn't pick up her stuff so I donated it. End of story.

For the past two months or so I have been dating a lady I met online. Very nice woman, we get along well. She is older than me by around 17 years. It was supposed to be casual at the beginning. My idea of casual means there is no expectations (not that I go around dating 30 other people or something). The issue is lately she has come on holiday with me (her idea) and invited me to another holiday abroad. She is leaving stuff at my house, with the expectation she visits every weekend.

I don't have an issue with her and she doesn't make me uncomfortable, my only issue is things feel like a relationship based on the actions. She said when we first met she wasn't looking for something serious. Ultimately, I want to meet someone I can settle down with and have kids (I'm 30 in a few months), however, as I saw with my last relationship, it is more important to get it right than just be with someone for the sake of it. Me and my ex-partner had nothing in common, morally, financially, ambition etc.

I am enjoying myself in my current situation, I just feel like I am straying away from my ideal relationship. Not sure what to do or if I need to do anything? Do I just keep seeing things out and enjoying myself.

My last question pertains to therapy. I have done 12 sessions at $100 a session. I have seen no improvement in my general mood and in therapy there is no theme. I don't actually know why I am there? Originally it was about stress of work and my ex partner, but after 4/5 sessions there was nothing left to say. My therapist keeps telling me to get a better work balance and drop work, which is not only difficult, how does she expect me to pay her fee of $100 per 50 minutes if I am reducing my workload???

I don't know if she is manipulating me or if there is anything to gain from therapy? What would you do?

June 21, 2023

Is this older woman aware you want to have kids?

Your therapist might have meant balance work and personal a bit more. Ask her if there’s a way to reduce the cost if it’s not affordable any more or talk about once a month sessions instead of weekly for example. I believe therapy works when you’re doing the work using any techniques learned or knowledge about yourself to change (what goes on outside of the session on your own time). It’s not only about discussing personal issues with a third party. If you’ve gained new techniques and methods to avoid the same patterns you may not need therapy anymore although some do suggest therapy is good indefinitely for everyone. You decide here.

June 21, 2023

If you want kids and to have a family,why are you dating a 46 year old? To me it seems like you aren’t living your life with intention. You are just “going with the flow” which usually means you’re letting your feelings run your life. If you’re feeling sad or lonely a woman paying attention to you fixes that feeling, even if she’s not what you want.

Same with therapy really. What do you want out of therapy? You need to start living a life of intention.

Edited June 21, 2023 by Weezy1973

June 21, 2023

You broke up in January, no therapy will take the pain away, you need to go through the break-up phases (look them up) and it takes time depending how long was your relationship. It took me 1.5 year to be over a 5 year relationship. There is no way to speed the process. If you have nothing to say to the therapist then stop going. You may just had needed it for a couple of times and now you don't need it anymore.

Right now you are misleading this woman, you have to make it clear again that you are not looking to settle in a relationship with her even if you told her at the beginning, we women tend to mix our dreams with reality when feelings grow.

Edited June 21, 2023 by Gaeta

June 21, 2023

5 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

. She is leaving stuff at my house, with the expectation she visits every weekend.

It's great you're dating again, however if casual is your goal, discontinue the stuff creep, meaning do not let her keep stuff at your place.

As long as you are crystal clear in words and actions you won't be stringing her along. Start with not letting her camp out weekends.

June 21, 2023

6 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

Ultimately, I want to meet someone I can settle down with and have kids

Then why are you dating a woman in her late 40s?

It sounds as though you enjoy her company but she isn't the woman you'd settle down with. She, on the hand, is definitely getting attached. It's time you are clear with her that you don't see a future together. It is starting to get less and less casual with her staying over every weekend and going on trips together. That needs to stop and you need to have an honest conversation with her.

June 21, 2023

It seems about time that you and your dating partner / aspiring steady girlfriend sit down and talk expectations.

What do you want out of the relationship? What do uoj want out of life in general?

Probably you two will realize you’re incompatible in terms of situation and life goals, even though you may be very compatible characters.

Edited June 21, 2023 by Will am I

June 21, 2023

8 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

She said when we first met she wasn't looking for something serious. Ultimately, I want to meet someone I can settle down with and have kids (I'm 30 in a few months), however, as I saw with my last relationship, it is more important to get it right than just be with someone for the sake of it.

I'm all for taking your time and enjoying yourself in the moment, but whatever your ultimate goal is needs to be communicated about what that is. Right now, you're straying away from what your ideal relationship is and veering into a different direction with this woman.

Your greatest priority right now is to keep yourself in check so that you stay on track and don't waste your or her time.

That means that you have to talk about the tough stuff and clue her in on your thought process.

Cut back on the couple stuff and acknowledge what kind of relationship you're in and where you want things to go realistically.

June 21, 2023

8 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

My idea of casual means there is no expectations (not that I go around dating 30 other people or something). The issue is lately she has come on holiday with me (her idea) and invited me to another holiday abroad. She is leaving stuff at my house, with the expectation she visits every weekend.

[ ]

I don't know if she is manipulating me or if there is anything to gain from therapy? What would you do?

Re the older woman you're seeing, learn to say NO. No, we wont be on holidays together because this is just casual. No, I'm not booking you in for each weekend because we're just casual. No, you can't leave your stuff at my house BECAUSE WE'RE JUST CASUAL. Undoubtedly, she will end it when you say this because the two of you want different things..but thta's OK because you clearly want different things.

The therapist would be very helpful in teaching you how to enforce your own boundaries. Learning this will save you a world of drama.

Lastly, I'm not sure who you think may be manipulating you.....but I'm not seeing manipulation from either your casual friend or your therapist.

June 22, 2023

If you want kids then you need to stop stringing her along and allowing her to get so attached.

She is not the woman for you.

It's quite a significant age gap so you're both at completely different stages in life.

You need to start being honest with her because she is getting comfortable.

June 22, 2023

20 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

she has come on holiday with me and invited me to another holiday abroad. She is leaving stuff at my house.

It seems like a rebound relationship to have company,sex, something to keep you busy. Perhaps that's why you chose someone like this. That's ok as long as you are clear it's temporary and casual.

As far as a therapist, if you're not getting anything out of it, it's fine to discontinue. Sometimes therapy isn't useful for some people, sometimes the therapist isn't a good fit, but there's no point continuing if it's not helping.

There's also no reason to think you need to jump into a forever relationship at this point in time.

Your goals of relationship/family one day are fine, but right now you're still reeling about the ex GF turmoil, so take some time and regroup.

Just be clear about to this older woman so you don't segue from one mess to another.

Edited June 22, 2023 by Wiseman2

June 22, 2023

It appears your therapist is not being too helpful. You appear to have a good thing with this new Older lady. I would have to say if she is leaving things at your Place, She has this Interpretation that your relationship with her is exclusive. And she may have "Marked" Her territory. She knows how to play it. Being you are so Young, She may feel she has the upper hand here. If you don't feel comfortable with just Anything, Tell her you both need to slow down and go easier. You feel smothered somewhat and this could lead into you growing cold feet. When you would be more sure of Things, Then step it up a notch. You are still Young, hun.

Edited June 22, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23

June 22, 2023

It's great that you are dating again BUT you need to set some boundaries with this woman. No more over night, she can go home. Stop going on trips. Stop with the relationshipy type stuff. Put her stuff in a bag and leave it by the door so she doesn't forget.

Now if you are serious about finding the one, then you need to cut out these casual expectation type arrangements. Getting laid once in awhile sure, but stop putting energy into people you have no future plans with. You just need to realize you need to make better choices, and stick with your goal.

June 22, 2023

On 6/21/2023 at 6:13 AM, Lamron300 said:

Hi,

I hope you are well. I haven't posted in a while. My last post was about my breakup with my ex-partner. The situation has now been resolved, she didn't pick up her stuff so I donated it. End of story.

For the past two months or so I have been dating a lady I met online. Very nice woman, we get along well. She is older than me by around 17 years. It was supposed to be casual at the beginning. My idea of casual means there is no expectations (not that I go around dating 30 other people or something). The issue is lately she has come on holiday with me (her idea) and invited me to another holiday abroad. She is leaving stuff at my house, with the expectation she visits every weekend.

I don't have an issue with her and she doesn't make me uncomfortable, my only issue is things feel like a relationship based on the actions. She said when we first met she wasn't looking for something serious. Ultimately, I want to meet someone I can settle down with and have kids (I'm 30 in a few months), however, as I saw with my last relationship, it is more important to get it right than just be with someone for the sake of it. Me and my ex-partner had nothing in common, morally, financially, ambition etc.

I am enjoying myself in my current situation, I just feel like I am straying away from my ideal relationship. Not sure what to do or if I need to do anything? Do I just keep seeing things out and enjoying myself.

My last question pertains to therapy. I have done 12 sessions at $100 a session. I have seen no improvement in my general mood and in therapy there is no theme. I don't actually know why I am there? Originally it was about stress of work and my ex partner, but after 4/5 sessions there was nothing left to say. My therapist keeps telling me to get a better work balance and drop work, which is not only difficult, how does she expect me to pay her fee of $100 per 50 minutes if I am reducing my workload???

I don't know if she is manipulating me or if there is anything to gain from therapy? What would you do?

Ok good to hear an update about your life. The first thing I think you should take from this in perspective is: remember how despondent you were just a couple of months ago? And see if you can stay resilient and weather the storm, eventually things will shift to something else. This is a good lesson for you. The second thing to take from this in light of your current situation is that if you stayed resilient and wait it out, things will shift to something else, but the way a person puts in efforts, where they put the efforts and their internal thought processes will have bearing on what the shift is and whether it's a positive result or more of the same. In a way I commend you for doing the work of getting a therapist and putting yourself out there and "seemingly" putting your ex behind you & definitely for getting rid of her stuff! I would say when you have to dig yourself out of a hole, you've done some of the work but probably aren't done yet--I think that is what is going on here.

About the older casual hookup that's behaving almost like a girlfriend. Ok, on some level this is happening because you are passive in nature and your thought processes. And fail to set boundaries (like someone said!). This is really a different version of the same problem you had with your ex-gf at the base of it. So you just don't know how to, or have the experience doing this yet in interpersonal relationships. I agree that you need to learn how to set boundaries and this is as good a place as any to start with--the casual fling girl. I personally think you should cut it off. Another casual person should be easy enough to find. ALSO if you eventually want a gf and to have kids, might as well make space for that person to enter your life. If you are occupied and somewhat satisfied with the status quo there is less likelihood that you will be propelled to do that/deal with it. So cut it off (also it's bad karma to string her along if her expectations are morphing or different than casual now, which it certain sounds like they are). It's the passivity for me that's problematic. You set yourself up to be the victim or place blame by acting like "it just happened to you". there is no way that she put herself on your vacation all on her own or the other things. Accept responsibility and make a real decision. I think based on what you said it's obvious you need to cut this off.

IMO about the therapy, 12 sessions really isn't that many...especially with what I've seen from your posts. I don't mean that in a mean way. It's just that you have a deeply entrenched negative thinking pattern (and are pretty stubborn about it!) and passivity or failing to take personal responsibility so that isn't going to go away overnight. 12 sessions is like expecting a miracle in a way. I think, if your sessions were anything like what was going on here on your threads, you likely spent a lot of time venting, blaming the ex-gf and expressing your feelings. I'd say you have to look at what was (if anything) productive about the sessions? In the state you were in, I think it would take a lot to lift your mood and turn your mind away from the way you were feeling after the breakup...It's really only the first step. You need to learn how to regulate your emotions and have more positive thinking patterns where you feel capable of addressing whatever comes your way. That will make you more HOPEFUL and more able to set boundaries and take yourself where you want to be in life. I think the kind of therapy you need is CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) where you will be given assignments etc vs where you just vent or express randomly. It needs to be very constructive. CBT is the fastest type of therapy. It's also considered the gold standard of therapy. That type of therapy should give you a theme in general and something effective that you are working toward once the therapist identifies your issue. Also you will likely be asked to self-identify your issue, ie the same as personal responsibility. Not "blaming" yourself but taking responsibility for creating the life you desire and managing your mood/energy and what you allow into your life (boundaries).

The bolded is hilarious and very funny. ok back to reality. Maybe this therapist has served her purpose and it's time for another (I think you should get a CBT one--which I sort of think she isn't if you feel like there is nothing left to say). I agree with the work/life balance and IIRC I think I told you something similar....for free

I don't think she is "manipulating" you. Again, you still haven't grown out of this issue so there is plenty more work to do. I would challenge you to take "personal responsibility" and DECIDE that she is not the one for you and find another therapist more suited to what you need to keep working on yourself now that you are out of the grief period about your ex. The listening type of vague therapist sounds like she served a purpose at that point but you are past that. In fact, had you had a CBT person at the beginning you would have likely (i can confidently say DEFINITELY) found them very frustrating...because you would have wanted someone to listen to you and sympathize, which a CBT one really probably wouldn't be into that as much. The bottom line--which CBT would address--is these problems follow YOU around and will continue no matter what persons, external stuff happens, unless you change YOU. Like the new casual "gf", look the same thing is essentially "happening"...according to you, you have someone overstepping your boundaries, taken advantage, AND it's not what you want!!!---very similar to your ex-gf in a way....This is because you are the common denominator in how you manage LIFE. That's why you still need therapy.

June 22, 2023

On 6/21/2023 at 6:48 AM, Weezy1973 said:

You need to start living a life of intention.

Bravo! this is the very concise way to say what I mean to say as well with many of the personal responsibility comments.

June 22, 2023

On 6/21/2023 at 7:13 AM, Lamron300 said:

Ultimately, I want to meet someone I can settle down with and have kids (I'm 30 in a few months), however, as I saw with my last relationship, i

Please, don't waste your time or hers if you want to have kids one day. It is highly unlikely that she can give you a child/children that you want to have. Unless she is willing to look into a very expensive donor eggs or a surrogate mother options. Even with a donor eggs there is little guarantee that she is going to be able to give you a child. Provided that she wants to have kids at all at this stage in her life. I don't know whether or not she is up to anything more than a casual thing but don't waster anybody's time here. There is no long term future in this if having kids are important to you. It is going to be very soul crushing for her to fall in love with you only to be left at some point for someone younger at some point. End it in a very nice, polite way and move on.

But maybe she just truly wants a hookup and nothing else. Discuss what she wants and how she feels about you wanting kids and see what she says.

June 23, 2023

The way you are behaving with the therapist is the way you are behaving in relationships: way too passive.

Fire the therapist if you're getting anything out of it. And quite this "I don't know" nonsense. Make a judgment. You should be able to determine if your therapist is good about two sessions.

You want a therapist that isn't just good, but who is fantastic, amazing, brilliant. You look forward to going.You know they get you. Does your therapist meet those standards? BTW: that should be the same criteria for dating. Does the woman you are writing about meet those standards?

If they (therapist and date) don't meet your clear high standards, you move on.

June 27, 2023

On 6/21/2023 at 2:22 PM, glows said:

Is this older woman aware you want to have kids?

Your therapist might have meant balance work and personal a bit more. Ask her if there’s a way to reduce the cost if it’s not affordable any more or talk about once a month sessions instead of weekly for example. I believe therapy works when you’re doing the work using any techniques learned or knowledge about yourself to change (what goes on outside of the session on your own time). It’s not only about discussing personal issues with a third party. If you’ve gained new techniques and methods to avoid the same patterns you may not need therapy anymore although some do suggest therapy is good indefinitely for everyone. You decide here.

Hi,

No she is not aware as when we first started dating it was made clear it was casual. In fact, her exact words are 'Im not looking for something serious, I'm going through a phase'. We have been meeting every weekend for the last two months and she has been inviting me to family functions, holidays etc. I don't mind her company, so I don't feel repulsed or anything, my fear is she has changed her mind on what she wants.

I went for my 14th session today and didn't feel any different. I emailed her telling her I am quitting therapy. I came in to therapy with no exact goal. I wanted to maybe learn some coping techniques for stress and get a different perspective on life. I feel like I am in a rush to achieve everything and I want everything now and don't really have a happy medium. She hasn't really given me any techniques and after 14 sessions its only now she has said, lets come up with a plan. The money isn't the issue but the fact that nothing has been gained in 14 sessions so far.

June 27, 2023

On 6/21/2023 at 2:48 PM, Weezy1973 said:

If you want kids and to have a family,why are you dating a 46 year old? To me it seems like you aren’t living your life with intention. You are just “going with the flow” which usually means you’re letting your feelings run your life. If you’re feeling sad or lonely a woman paying attention to you fixes that feeling, even if she’s not what you want.

Same with therapy really. What do you want out of therapy? You need to start living a life of intention.

I met her online on the dating app I usually use, when I feel like dating. My age range is nowhere near 46 but the app managed to put her in my queue and I liked her profile, we got talking and got along very well. I enjoy spending time with her and I'm not really thinking about the ultimate right now. I just fear I'm 30 in September and may be getting distant from my real goals.

I do want kids, but I feel that is something I don't have control over. My ex never said to me she didn't want kids unless it was in a nasty manipulative way. I was looking to buy a 3 bedroom house (with my own money) and she went crazy asking me why I need three bedrooms, because she thought it meant I am expecting kids, which she hates.

I find it very hard to meet people, so I give people more of a chance when we get along (like the lady I am currently dating).

June 27, 2023

29 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

, her exact words are 'Im not looking for something serious, I'm going through a phase'.

I emailed her telling her I am quitting therapy

That's good news. As long as she wants casual and understands that you do too. If it's getting too relationshippy, just scale back on the stuff in your house and blending too many friends and family.

It's ok to hang out with people even if it's not going anywhere, especially if you're on the rebound and she's in some sort of transition or phase herself.

Nobody has to be a monk until "the one" comes along.

As far as therapy, if it's not working out you made the right call. It's up to you to decide whether it's benefitting you or not. It helps a lot of people for a lot of reasons, but sometimes time can heal things as well.

June 27, 2023

On 6/22/2023 at 5:35 PM, Versacehottie said:

Ok good to hear an update about your life. The first thing I think you should take from this in perspective is: remember how despondent you were just a couple of months ago? And see if you can stay resilient and weather the storm, eventually things will shift to something else. This is a good lesson for you. The second thing to take from this in light of your current situation is that if you stayed resilient and wait it out, things will shift to something else, but the way a person puts in efforts, where they put the efforts and their internal thought processes will have bearing on what the shift is and whether it's a positive result or more of the same. In a way I commend you for doing the work of getting a therapist and putting yourself out there and "seemingly" putting your ex behind you & definitely for getting rid of her stuff! I would say when you have to dig yourself out of a hole, you've done some of the work but probably aren't done yet--I think that is what is going on here.

IMO about the therapy, 12 sessions really isn't that many...especially with what I've seen from your posts. I don't mean that in a mean way. It's just that you have a deeply entrenched negative thinking pattern (and are pretty stubborn about it!) and passivity or failing to take personal responsibility so that isn't going to go away overnight. 12 sessions is like expecting a miracle in a way. I think, if your sessions were anything like what was going on here on your threads, you likely spent a lot of time venting, blaming the ex-gf and expressing your feelings. I'd say you have to look at what was (if anything) productive about the sessions? In the state you were in, I think it would take a lot to lift your mood and turn your mind away from the way you were feeling after the breakup...It's really only the first step. You need to learn how to regulate your emotions and have more positive thinking patterns where you feel capable of addressing whatever comes your way. That will make you more HOPEFUL and more able to set boundaries and take yourself where you want to be in life. I think the kind of therapy you need is CBT (Cognitive Behavior Therapy) where you will be given assignments etc vs where you just vent or express randomly. It needs to be very constructive. CBT is the fastest type of therapy. It's also considered the gold standard of therapy. That type of therapy should give you a theme in general and something effective that you are working toward once the therapist identifies your issue. Also you will likely be asked to self-identify your issue, ie the same as personal responsibility. Not "blaming" yourself but taking responsibility for creating the life you desire and managing your mood/energy and what you allow into your life (boundaries).

My situation is complicated in the fact that I don't even know how to manage a 'casual' relationship. I remember I had a casual relationship in 2018. I didn't feel comfortable in the fact I couldn't make certain jokes as it was taking the wrong way as the person was so focused on the 'casual' element. I made a joke about taking a trip to a rough part of Scotland (where she was from) and asked if she would like to come so I don't get stabbed and I can't remember exactly what she said but she took it to seriously and thought I was suggesting the relationship was more than it was. At the point, I said nah I'm done with casual as I always felt misunderstood or couldn't feel comfortable as I knew in any casual setting things would end so I might as well invest time in a relationship where you can have sex and a future.

The current lady I'm dating has been very good to me and we get along great. I don't feel uncomfortable from her, but I'm just thinking if I generally do want kids or marriage in the future, spending 18-24 months in casual settings isn't going to help that goal. But I'm also stressed by that goal as it isn't something I have control of, for example in the same way I have control over my career. I can't magic a situation to happen. I try and put myself out there on apps (but as you know the many pitfalls) and in real life (signed up for local events I enjoy, pub quiz nights etc) but sometimes you get all males and like one female in attendance. What I am saying is, I don't know how to meet someone with the same goals, intentions and interests as me in an organic way. So when I am in something I consider casual (like now) I take it as a relief. If I wasn't dating her, I don't think I would be dating at all as it was stressing me out so much a few months ago (people not showing up on dates, making excuses like I can't meet till I get my tooth fixed etc). I took a break and I met her weeks later, however, that is still an issue with the app as she wasn't in my age range, so how did she get into my queue of likes? Although in hindsight it was good luck. Running two businesses takes a toll on me most days and a lot of the time I just want to take things easy on the weekend. I really need someone that understands my situation.

In regards to therapy, she is a CBT therapist. The first therapist I saw was a talk therapist and I didn't enjoy it as there was no feedback given, I just talked for 50 minutes and she nodded her head. If I was told thats what talk therapy is, I wouldn't have signed up for it. She then referred me to this CBT therapist, which I have been seeing for 14 weeks. Very nice lady, very passionate, however, she hasn't helped me at all. I explained to her my situation.. I am stressed out because I feel like I work a lot, but the property market in the UK is going downhill, so if I decided to take it easy and do less work/reject clients as she suggest, my financial situation would quickly become dire. I always had issues with bosses who treated me unfairly, so I work very hard to stay self-employed. I explained all this to her over the last 14 weeks, but we don't do any exercises, any book or podcast recommendations or even meditations. She just focuses on one thing, which is telling me to do more social interaction or take up volunteering. When I told her I have been seeing friends 3 times a week, she then says well the things you are doing with friends doesn't sound fun! I don't want to have any hard feelings against her but I have paid a lot of money to desperately at least learn more about myself or my behaviour and I don't feel I have got anything out of it. She today said we need to come up with a plan and all the things we could do, but why after 14 sessions? She said at first 6-12 sessions is effective to get good work scheme in place. Part of my problem is I feel bad for telling her I quit, when I shouldn't feel bad at all! I paid over $1400 and gave it a chance. I always feel I need to be extra nice to people.

June 27, 2023

16 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's good news. As long as she wants casual and understands that you do too. If it's getting too relationshippy, just scale back on the stuff in your house and blending too many friends and family.

It's ok to hang out with people even if it's not going anywhere, especially if you're on the rebound and she's in some sort of transition or phase herself.

Nobody has to be a monk until "the one" comes along.

As far as therapy, if it's not working out you made the right call. It's up to you to decide whether it's benefitting you or not. It helps a lot of people for a lot of reasons, but sometimes time can heal things as well.

Those were her words when we first met, but on Sunday she said, be grateful for what you have, two nice dogs and a bossy girl. It made me feel weird her referring to herself as my girl. As I said in a previous post, my problem with casual relationship is sometimes I have not felt comfortable to even make a joke as there is an obsession with people believing you are 'catching feelings'. The flip side is, ideally, I would be able to have the good relationship I have now in this casual setting, with someone I can have a future with. It is hard to find and when you meet someone decent along the way, like my current date, you can become 'settled' and forget what you really want.

My therapist made me feel very uncomfortable by saying she wants me out dating. That I would make a good catch for someone. It makes me feel pressurised. I want to meet people organically, I can't just put on a switch. I asked my current date when we first met, why she was on online dating, she said it is hard to meet people in real life, especially with work. Which is my exact situation/problem. I don't pay for online dating anymore, so I can now only swipe 5 profiles a day for free!

June 27, 2023

24 minutes ago, Lamron300 said:

on Sunday she said, be grateful for what you have, two nice dogs and a bossy girl. It made me feel weird her referring to herself as my girl

Then stop putting off the talk, and be clear that you don't see her this way.

1 hour ago, Lamron300 said:

I do want kids, but I feel that is something I don't have control over.

You have control at least in choosing to date women who are still of child-bearing age.

June 28, 2023

5 hours ago, Lamron300 said:

My situation is complicated in the fact that I don't even know how to manage a 'casual' relationship. I remember I had a casual relationship in 2018. I didn't feel comfortable in the fact I couldn't make certain jokes as it was taking the wrong way as the person was so focused on the 'casual' element. I made a joke about taking a trip to a rough part of Scotland (where she was from) and asked if she would like to come so I don't get stabbed and I can't remember exactly what she said but she took it to seriously and thought I was suggesting the relationship was more than it was. At the point, I said nah I'm done with casual as I always felt misunderstood or couldn't feel comfortable as I knew in any casual setting things would end so I might as well invest time in a relationship where you can have sex and a future.

The current lady I'm dating has been very good to me and we get along great. I don't feel uncomfortable from her, but I'm just thinking if I generally do want kids or marriage in the future, spending 18-24 months in casual settings isn't going to help that goal. But I'm also stressed by that goal as it isn't something I have control of, for example in the same way I have control over my career. I can't magic a situation to happen. I try and put myself out there on apps (but as you know the many pitfalls) and in real life (signed up for local events I enjoy, pub quiz nights etc) but sometimes you get all males and like one female in attendance. What I am saying is, I don't know how to meet someone with the same goals, intentions and interests as me in an organic way. So when I am in something I consider casual (like now) I take it as a relief. If I wasn't dating her, I don't think I would be dating at all as it was stressing me out so much a few months ago (people not showing up on dates, making excuses like I can't meet till I get my tooth fixed etc). I took a break and I met her weeks later, however, that is still an issue with the app as she wasn't in my age range, so how did she get into my queue of likes? Although in hindsight it was good luck. Running two businesses takes a toll on me most days and a lot of the time I just want to take things easy on the weekend. I really need someone that understands my situation.

In regards to therapy, she is a CBT therapist. The first therapist I saw was a talk therapist and I didn't enjoy it as there was no feedback given, I just talked for 50 minutes and she nodded her head. If I was told thats what talk therapy is, I wouldn't have signed up for it. She then referred me to this CBT therapist, which I have been seeing for 14 weeks. Very nice lady, very passionate, however, she hasn't helped me at all. I explained to her my situation.. I am stressed out because I feel like I work a lot, but the property market in the UK is going downhill, so if I decided to take it easy and do less work/reject clients as she suggest, my financial situation would quickly become dire. I always had issues with bosses who treated me unfairly, so I work very hard to stay self-employed. I explained all this to her over the last 14 weeks, but we don't do any exercises, any book or podcast recommendations or even meditations. She just focuses on one thing, which is telling me to do more social interaction or take up volunteering. When I told her I have been seeing friends 3 times a week, she then says well the things you are doing with friends doesn't sound fun! I don't want to have any hard feelings against her but I have paid a lot of money to desperately at least learn more about myself or my behaviour and I don't feel I have got anything out of it. She today said we need to come up with a plan and all the things we could do, but why after 14 sessions? She said at first 6-12 sessions is effective to get good work scheme in place. Part of my problem is I feel bad for telling her I quit, when I shouldn't feel bad at all! I paid over $1400 and gave it a chance. I always feel I need to be extra nice to people.

OMGOSH so much to reply to here....ok I will probably undoubtedly leave something out but here it goes!!

*Um, hate to break it to you, but you are in a more than casual relationship. This doesn't seem casual to me.

*Um, you have ABOUT the most amount of excuses I've ever seen. I "might" respect that if these excuses were taking you to a place you WANTED to go but instead you are ending up in life situations you don't want. THE BIGGEST PROBLEM I see in you, is that you are a blame shifter. How does that help you? Empower you? It doesn't. You have in the previous 3 paragraphs and the rest of this thread managed to put the blame on everyone but yourself. That leaves you stuck and a victim rather than being ABLE to change your situation. Your post to me above is like a love letter to "i Need a therapist" right away. You don't see your negative and unhelpful thinking etching all over the thought patterns you're explaining in this above? I'm not trying to be harsh. I'm trying to get you to see...so you can get yourself out of this. Bootstrap your way out of this!! I realize on a basic level you might feel you need to explain to us how something came to be or your decision process. But like you fully COMMIT and hold tight to poor thinking patterns.

*I'll give you an example. You have one offhanded comment with the Scottish girl and you are applying it to "not being able to do casual". This black and white thinking, all or nothing has been pervasive (another hallmark of negative pattern thinking) throughout your posts. It's the equivalent of a knee jerk reaction to something that doesn't warrant that. It's also a fearful way of living. In the example of the current girl you are casualing with (haha), this type of fearful thinking will have you holding on for dear life to a person that you know TODAY will not suit your life...It's the lesser of two evils (bird in the hand vs the unknown)...Same as what you did with your ex. You sounded miserable---you didn't want the same things--you knew all that and yet you were acting like the world was over when you split up. You have to have more faith in yourself and more ease with the unknown.

*For the record, IMO, I wouldn't see you as a casual guy. You don't have that vibe. You don't have that lifestyle. So you and this woman call it casual, when it's really not and you are deluding yourselves and low-key semi-miserable. As long as you can pretend, it's not happening, you can keep fooling yourself. When you look at reality, you are very unhappy and feel trapped. And you just keep operating in this indecisive area--but it's your D*mn life, man. With your level of misery and dis-ease, you need to be making changes, period.

*I think you are pretty impatient about your dating prospects. You are doing (it sounds like) the 'fun" things you are doing only to tick it off a list rather than truly enjoying your life. When you get more comfortable and have more joy, you will be better able to find someone. You think people can't tell when someone is at a pub night, doesn't really want to be there and is only hoping to meet a great girl? We can tell.

*If a great girl was easy to find, it would be easy. Also, just being honest, you have put yourself in a bit of an uphill battle living differently than the average 30 year old, right? I mean you live in the suburbs, prefer more sedate activities, work 2 jobs and have negative thinking patterns of someone much more jaded and who is less carefree. Also you expect a miracle in just a few months, where I'm going to guess most of that time you weren't really over your ex (i have my doubts that you are fully over her now but I will take your word!).

*About this casual situation, I think you might look back on it a few years from now and see it as a huge waste of time. I don't think you will suddenly see her as the love of your life. So call it what it is: you are trading LONG-TERM happiness for SHORT-TERM satisfaction or laziness right now. It's easier but not exactly wise. Also just knowing you, you will be mad at the world, including this lady, for stealing your time and putting you in this situation. Having those negative thinking patterns, which is your default ADDS to your distress and makes a deeper hole for you to get out of when you are ready to meet someone new. I don't see you looking back on time spent with her as a good thing just knowing how you process stuff--unless you get yourself out of it in a month or two. I mean let's just talk about the root question: why this thread then? You aren't comfortable or happy, though maybe when people start critiquing your life, you defend your choices. (i get that to an extent--but ultimately you are hurting yourself).

*ok great that you have a CBT therapist. I'm sort of surprised that you aren't given more to do. I think any decisive move you do is a good one. So if you are done with her--fine. I think you should immediately seek out another one. Maybe even a guy who can more relate to you. I'd like to challenge you to think like this: a lot of life is FINE-TUNING. IMO, you did the right thing, asking for a CBT one right away after the first person. Now I'd say you're in the right genre of therapy for you but you might still not have the right personality or program for you. A lot of life is getting yourself pointed in the right direction and then continually fine-tuning it. IMO, that's exactly where you are. I think you need to "let go" of stuff. No point in continuing to be angry/outraged over 14 sessions. You speak about it like it's a total waste. My question would be, what are you doing in all the hours not with the therapist to improve your mental outlook? I think it's a fantasy to think you are going to walk in for an hour a week, do no additional self-work during the week and become a changed person. Nope. I think you could even get help from self-help, CBT books, etc. There are tons of great people on social media even if you just want a daily thought or whatever. I believe a more structured plan with a professional is top but all these little consumptions may help you.

*I bolded just one sentence that shows me you need to work on how to manage interpersonal relationships. I could also bold the very last sentence you said when you said something to the effect of being "too nice". People often do that because they are not comfortable enforcing boundaries or not wanting to "lose" relationships in general thinking saying no to a portion of what someone asks will threaten the whole relationship. Or the converse in your case is accepting a relationship you don't really want but it suffices certain needs and therefore you continue, even if the idea itself is not what you want and portions of it make you very uncomfortable (ie she's semi-moving her stuff in! acting like we are together as a couple; wasting my time in some respects to find someone I do want). Anyway there is LOT more work to do, IMO for your mental health--lol please don't make me go back through and mark how your pessimism bias comes out in most sentences you write. It exposes where your mind is at currently or how your permanent thinking is wired. You have to deal with this to have a more fulfilled life. Keep going. It's fine that it's not this therpist. Don't feel bad. Just change. Good luck!

Edited June 28, 2023 by Versacehottie

July 2, 2023

Fire the therapist and get a new one. There are a ton of mediocre therapists out there.

In my experience I only improved when I got a fantastic therapist. Last time I went to therapy, I fired four or five people before I get to a guy who was really sharp.

BTW: you should be talking in therapy about how to say no to this woman who is slyly moving in on you. Saying no is a skill that if you don't master you will absolutely suffer and be pushed around by other people in relationships. If you can't say no, then you can't create a good relationship. Why aren't you discussing that? Again, sounds like you might need someone else. But failure to focus on something really relevant is what some patients do! You got to speak up with the therapist just as you need to speak up with this woman!

Clearly you have psychological blocks to doing so. OK, that's. No work on that!

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