I'm (34/f) pregnant but I'm not sure if he's (40/m) excited or even wants the baby. He hasn't acknowledged the pregnancy publicly.

[basil67]

Does he want to marry you?   Has he said that he wants to be around you and the baby long term?

[basil67]

@due_nail_5550 there's nothing you've written so far which suggests that he's happy or interested in becoming a father.   Has he said or done anything which would lead you to believe that he wants this baby and a future with you?

[Alpacalia]

OP, can you tell us more about the decision regarding protection that was made between you and your partner? Has this been a recurring issue in your relationship, and if not, why did you choose to forego protection on this occasion? We understand that everyone makes mistakes,  however, if there were any underlying reasons for why this decision was taken, it would be really helpful to have that information so we can better understand the situation.

Do not to be concerned about what he is or isn't posting on social media. It may be his way of dealing with the news and his emotions towards it, instead of externally expressing himself.

You need to start thinking about the practical aspects of making sure that you and your baby have a secure future if it comes to you both being together or not. Your student visa expiring this year is a big factor that cannot be overlooked. You need to start considering practical steps like applying for a green card or finding a job that could sponsor you if you are not eligible for a green card. 

[shellzbellz83]

OP, you sound extremely naive. What is your plan regarding your older child if this man is not inclined to pick up his life and move to your home country?

[stillafool]

I wonder what your plan will be when/if he doesn't want to move with you to your home country.   It doesn't sound like they have a large film industry, so what about his acting career?  Are you willing to go it alone?

[introverted1]

3 hours ago, due_nail_5550 said:

It takes two and he and I both slept together unprotected.

Yes, it takes two, but since it's the woman who can become pregnant, she typically does not take the risk of unprotected sex with a new partner, particularly when there has been no apparent discussion/agreement about pregnancy and when she already has a child she is not living with because she is pursuing her education. And, on top of that, is en

3 hours ago, due_nail_5550 said:

I'm only entertaining the idea of marriage because he cant stay in my country without marriage and vice versa. Yes, we could apply for a long-term partner/M-Visa in my country but that takes years to get. From my understanding in the US it would take years for me to stay longer without marriage. How else is he supposed to be around for the baby long term if we don't get married?

How else is he supposed to be around for the baby?!   Has he ever said that 1) he wants to have a baby? and 2) that he wants to be married? and 3) that he wants either of these things with you? 

From what you've written, he has no income and lives with his parents.  Assuming you are successful in getting him to marry you, are you prepared to support him, yourself, your 8-year-old and a new baby? 

[Alpacalia]

What was it about a barely financially stable man that you found so attractive that you would willingly do activities with a high risk of pregnancy or make you think he was ready for parenthood?

Sometimes we do what we've learned from our own upbringing, or what we've seen in our environment.

I'm trying to understand the rationale. Did he make you feel safe and secure? Was he providing emotional support? Did he make you feel like you were the center of his world?

He may not be minted, but this doesn't stop him being a great father.

It's time to talk to him and find out what's going on. Sit down with him and speak life into him and your relationship. Figure out a solution together. Hopefully he will step up as a dad. You're both financially responsible for this baby. It is not solely your responsibility to take on all the burden.

Maybe he has some skills or experience he can collect and make money. Have a plan in place and discuss your expectations with him. Make sure he's aware of his rights and responsibilities as a father.

I truly wish for you to come to a resolution in this matter, as a tiny dependent's well-being is on the line. All the best to you both.

[basil67]

9 hours ago, due_nail_5550 said:

No, his parents don't help them. He was living in his car for a couple of years and then worked some odd jobs here and there and rented rooms from friend's for a few months here and there, so he always finds a way to support himself.

I would not define this lifestyle as someone who can support themselves.   

[ExpatInItaly]

Again, what was his reaction when you told him you are pregnant? You haven't answered that question yet. 

The more you write, the more concerned I become that this relationhip is on a collision course and you are in for a terrible wake-up call. 

A man who lived in his car for two years as an adult (when he seems to be otherwise employable) is a huge, huge red flag, OP. Do you genuinely not see that? Or the fact that he doesn't even have steady work now, at 40 years old? How do you expect him (or you, as a student) to pay the enormous costs associated with raising a child? 

It sounds like you have built up a fantasy life with him in your head, but the reality is really far away from that. You talk of getting married and maybe even moving to your country, but you say nothing about whether you two have actually discussed this. Have you? 

[JTSW]

17 hours ago, due_nail_5550 said:

Why don't you think you he'll be supportive?

Because he can barely support himself.

[Els]

10 hours ago, due_nail_5550 said:

I absolutely did not get pregnant on purpose. It takes two and he and I both slept together unprotected.

I agree that it takes two... so it sounds like you BOTH conceived this child on purpose, since that's basically what having unprotected sex is.

Terrible decision on both of your parts, and I feel sorry for the kid. Also, I'm really perplexed that amidst this absolute shitstorm, your biggest concern is social media...

[JTSW]

10 hours ago, due_nail_5550 said:

It takes two and he and I both slept together unprotected

So you both know where unprotected sex leads.

At least one of you absolutely planned this.

14 hours ago, due_nail_5550 said:

He was living in his car for a couple of years

Years? Seriously?

Any sane person would struggled spending one night in their car.

But years? Wow. That's a scary amount of time.

It means he did absolutely nothing to get himself out of that situation.

I'm not filled with confidence in this mans ability to support his child. 

I don't think you are going to get what you want here.

[Wiseman2]

Yes, rather than try to figure out the social media appearance of the situation, try to figure out the financial and residential logistics of the situation. 

[Grumpy Bob]

We have to assume he's not a complete idiot?  He obviously suspects that you deliberately got pregnant to try and convince him to marry you, and secure US residency.  

Even IF you didn't do this, and even IF he believes you, he certainly knows that's what everybody is thinking.  So no wonder he's not boasting to the world about it on social media.  He thought you were in love with him, and now everyone thinks you made a fool of him, and only see him as a ticket to America.

[JTSW]

So lets summarise, the guy is 40, a bum with no career prospects or goals.

No solid job.

Spent years living in a car doing nothing to help himself.

It's very clear the pregnancy was planned, but not by him judging by his complete lack of enthusiasm about it.

And the only thing you worry about is the social media presence?

Oh no.

Edited June 21, 2023 by JTSW

[Els]

4 hours ago, Grumpy Bob said:

We have to assume he's not a complete idiot?  He obviously suspects that you deliberately got pregnant to try and convince him to marry you, and secure US residency. 

If he's not an idiot, and he's 40, he knows how sex and reproduction works. You can't have unprotected sex and then act like a victim when your lover gets pregnant...

The only victim here is the child. The OP and the guy are both equally to blame.

[Alpacalia]

Why would she try to intentionally get herself pregnant by an unemployed person that lives in a car to stay in the country? Visas cost money and so does raising a child. It is unlikely that this woman was deliberately trying to get pregnant to stay in the country.

If you are in a precarious financial position then having a child is an even greater weight upon you. It is possible that you were looking for a relationship and did not consider the consequences of these actions.

Moreover, due to the rather extreme financial circumstances of the father, do you feel compelled to remain with him to ensure the welfare of the child? Besides, remaining with the father does not necessarily guarantee that you will be able to remain in the United States. If the father of your child does not have the financial resources to petition for a visa, it may still be necessary to pursue other pathways to acquire the necessary documentation.

Please keep in mind that even if you believe that staying in the U.S. is the best option for you and your child, there are a number of legal consequences that must be fully acknowledged, explored and considered before any decision is made. You need to consult with a lawyer and/or other qualified legal professionals to ensure that any decisions you make will be in the best interests of you and your family.

The father of your child also needs to be involved in this process and seek appropriate family law advice in order to address his parental obligations. In any case please consider all options carefully before making a final decision, as the consequences can be far-reaching and long-lasting.

[smackie9]

Question is why won't you complain to him about it, and get this straightened out on where he stand with you and the baby? We don't know why he doesn't post all over SM about the baby...you need to ask him.