Early Stages Dating Someone

June 19, 2023

Plus I wasn't ready to go back to eachother's places anyway,but I wouldn't have anyway. I told him I wanted to take things slowly and he seemed ok with that.

Even when we discussed the idea of trips and holidays away, he knew that would be further down the line ....plus his situation prevented us to do it now anyway. I was still trying to get to know him really.

June 19, 2023

You mentioned earlier also that you guys would drink and hang out during the day...didn't he ever take you on a real date? That's a huge red flag.

I think you need better self-esteem. Hanging out and just having a drink together with someone who professed to wanting to be your bf isn't really what the optics of that are. To me, it looks like he's setting up a midday hookup when he has a chance to get away. Also assuming he's not on a night shift--again, prior to losing his job, that's not responsible or forthright to do that (a guy who wanted to appear like he had his sh*t together and a good job wouldn't want to appear to blow it off during the day)...post losing his job, again he should want to prove to you that he's getting his sh*t together by focusing on getting a job rather than hooking up with you before having to do kid pickup!!! RED FLAGS. It's like loser central.

Lol I love a drink, but the midday drinking and physically hooking up with no real dates (you didn't answer that so I can just assume, the info isn't positive).....it's got red flags all over it. You should say yes to exchanging numbers, multi-dating and NO to "hanging out in clandestine way, day drinking when someone should be working or looking for work"...don't get me started about then him going to pick up kids or driving around a school area (or anywhere) in that state either. it's just not a good look. Remember a guy who's into you will care about what you think and what impression he is making. This guy is either unconcerned or this is a good level for him...both are fails!!!

June 19, 2023

10 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

You mentioned earlier also that you guys would drink and hang out during the day...didn't he ever take you on a real date? That's a huge red flag.

I think you need better self-esteem. Hanging out and just having a drink together with someone who professed to wanting to be your bf isn't really what the optics of that are. To me, it looks like he's setting up a midday hookup when he has a chance to get away. Also assuming he's not on a night shift--again, prior to losing his job, that's not responsible or forthright to do that (a guy who wanted to appear like he had his sh*t together and a good job wouldn't want to appear to blow it off during the day)...post losing his job, again he should want to prove to you that he's getting his sh*t together by focusing on getting a job rather than hooking up with you before having to do kid pickup!!! RED FLAGS. It's like loser central.

Lol I love a drink, but the midday drinking and physically hooking up with no real dates (you didn't answer that so I can just assume, the info isn't positive).....it's got red flags all over it. You should say yes to exchanging numbers, multi-dating and NO to "hanging out in clandestine way, day drinking when someone should be working or looking for work"...don't get me started about then him going to pick up kids or driving around a school area (or anywhere) in that state either. it's just not a good look. Remember a guy who's into you will care about what you think and what impression he is making. This guy is either unconcerned or this is a good level for him...both are fails!!!

Oh dear this is a big misunderstanding there , by drinks maybe I should have specified were always SOFT SODA or coffees . We NEVER had alcohol...as he knew he was going to be driving and to pick his kid up . Plus it was daytime.

And yeah I kept telling him I wanted more time for a proper date ,and he always said he was busy with kid and how it depended on of his ex was free to take care of the kid .

I even sent him 2 job adverts he could apply for,I wanted to help him. He was in a good job prior to that...but the company was letting them all go . So now he's looking for a job ,but if I'm honest I don't think he spends much time job searching. And I guess now with his latest excuse ....he will always be in the same rut .

Edited June 19, 2023 by Liliana09

June 19, 2023

6 hours ago, Liliana09 said:

Because we had things in common and he lured me in with full conversation,we would talk about anything and everything. It felt like I was talking to a decent person with an actual personality and emotions. Instead of the usual robotic degenerate immature illiterate fools on there .

OK, so you need a pen pal.

If you want a boyfriend, you need to go forward based on real life and actions, not what kind of words they can type.

I'm sure you've heard that "actions speak louder than words." Stop using "because he said" this or that to justify his, or your own situation. The bottom line is that you have dated him for ONE SINGLE MONTH and this is the time that you've spent getting to know what he's really like, and what dating him is like. Obviously he's already moved past it, but I do hope that you have learned that this is not "relationship material" for you.

Also it's noteworthy that not only do he and his "ex'" and their child live as a family, THEY OWN A HOME TOGETHER. And he isn't necessarily in a rut ... you don't even know him.

Edited June 19, 2023 by NuevoYorko

June 19, 2023

2 hours ago, Liliana09 said:

Oh dear this is a big misunderstanding there , by drinks maybe I should have specified were always SOFT SODA or coffees . We NEVER had alcohol...as he knew he was going to be driving and to pick his kid up . Plus it was daytime.

And yeah I kept telling him I wanted more time for a proper date ,and he always said he was busy with kid and how it depended on of his ex was free to take care of the kid .

I even sent him 2 job adverts he could apply for,I wanted to help him. He was in a good job prior to that...but the company was letting them all go . So now he's looking for a job ,but if I'm honest I don't think he spends much time job searching. And I guess now with his latest excuse ....he will always be in the same rut .

Lol ok, sorry! Well give the guy a gold star for not drinking alcohol midday (fine in some circumstances of course but I would say in this one, it wouldn't be a good look). To me skipping out on work or looking for a job when he has kid(s) to care/provide for, is also not a good look.

Um though do you see how you kept lowering your standards or agreeing to "less than" and sort of hoping for better? If some guy can't take you on a date or doesn't offer you a date when you met him on a dating site--presume, he is not in the position "to date"!!! I would presume that. I would think he either had different intentions (side chick/hookup) or financial or mentally wasn't in place to date properly...and then you don't go on the date. Since you are looking to date and have a boyfriend. Again you say something like: "seems like you're not in the place to date right now with a lot going on; maybe we can revisit this in the future if your situation changes and if I'm still available".

And I think at 3-4 weeks in sending him job adverts is too meddling...It's acting like a girlfriend when you are not one yet. Conveys a message that YOU are all in and he has to do nothing at all to impress you, win you over, be on good behavior. I'm not saying that like merely making people jump through hoops but feeling like you need to be your best in order to OBTAIN and RETAIN your attention is exactly what makes people fall in love.

If you believe he's not really job searching then it's just yet another piece of the puzzle that could have been predicted from his past history before you came into his life: he's a dreamer, impulsive, living by the seat of his pants with poor decision making skills. Perhaps a little lost and looking for an escape if we assume the best and perhaps dishonest, etc if we assume the worst. In any case, in no position to date. What exactly do you like or is drawing you to this guy? Other than some texting that you felt was deep?

June 19, 2023

So, in the whole wide world of men available to you, you pick the one with a shady story? why? Don't you think you deserve to date a man that has his s$it together? Or maybe men with their life on track aren't 'dangerous' enough for you? You like the bad-boys, etc etc. And on top of having a shady story he treats you poorly, I mean why oh why do you want to give 'that' the benefit of the doubt?

You need to ask yourself some serious question because YOUR choice of men will define the type of relationships and life you'll have. The oh-so-sexy but shady men NEVER bring us satisfaction, love, support, communication, respect, consideration, and all the good stuff. It's always a life of secrecy & doubts and they are good at making you believe it's all in your head.

My advice to you is to go back online and go get yourself a better fish. Online sucks? Of course it does! It's not suppose to be easy, it's hard, frustrating, demanding but most people find when they respect their standards. Which you are not doing here. Give it some thought a minute....How will you introduce him to your mother! here's my boyfriend he still lives with his ex. or you'll start lying to your family to save face?

Ask yourself why you give value to a man that has no time for you and has a shady story?

But he told you ABC.....really? Like NO men EVER have lied about still being in relationships, NO men EVER have tried to make women believe that the woman under their roof is an ex.

Edited June 19, 2023 by Gaeta

June 19, 2023

5 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

Lol ok, sorry! Well give the guy a gold star for not drinking alcohol midday (fine in some circumstances of course but I would say in this one, it wouldn't be a good look). To me skipping out on work or looking for a job when he has kid(s) to care/provide for, is also not a good look.

Um though do you see how you kept lowering your standards or agreeing to "less than" and sort of hoping for better? If some guy can't take you on a date or doesn't offer you a date when you met him on a dating site--presume, he is not in the position "to date"!!! I would presume that. I would think he either had different intentions (side chick/hookup) or financial or mentally wasn't in place to date properly...and then you don't go on the date. Since you are looking to date and have a boyfriend. Again you say something like: "seems like you're not in the place to date right now with a lot going on; maybe we can revisit this in the future if your situation changes and if I'm still available".

And I think at 3-4 weeks in sending him job adverts is too meddling...It's acting like a girlfriend when you are not one yet. Conveys a message that YOU are all in and he has to do nothing at all to impress you, win you over, be on good behavior. I'm not saying that like merely making people jump through hoops but feeling like you need to be your best in order to OBTAIN and RETAIN your attention is exactly what makes people fall in love.

If you believe he's not really job searching then it's just yet another piece of the puzzle that could have been predicted from his past history before you came into his life: he's a dreamer, impulsive, living by the seat of his pants with poor decision making skills. Perhaps a little lost and looking for an escape if we assume the best and perhaps dishonest, etc if we assume the worst. In any case, in no position to date. What exactly do you like or is drawing you to this guy? Other than some texting that you felt was deep?

Everything you say about him...is pretty much what I told him...when he ghosted me for a week back in May . I poured out all my emotions and gave him a piece of my mind ,whilst also trying to express that I tried to be understanding ...and I actually thought I would scare him off . As I sent him a super long email ... putting everything out there about how I think he's lost and doesn't know what he wants etc .

When he eventually got back to me a week later ,he basically made out that he forgot his phone and had to rush off as he got a call or text from a old friend's brother ...and how he was asked to travel to another city to help clear out his friend's house & things after she died( female dead friend) . I told him I didn't understand how he'd forget his phone especially when he has a kid to keep an eye on and surely his ex would be wanting to contact him. He made out they knew where he was . I had a feeling it was a steaming pile of bs ...but I went along with it ,as I kept thinking maybe some truth is in it . But I confronted him .....as I find it hard to believe he'd forget his phone. This is 2023 ! Everyone carries around a phone, it's practically a part of them . People even bump into others in the street glued to their phones . But I let it go and was like whatever then ,and I couldn't be bothered to press him further on it .

But I told him I found it odd that some old dead friend who he lost contact with, how their family would contact him to help out for a whole week. He made out it wasn't weird for him. He say apparently his dead friend was secretly seeing someone...and how he was getting rid of stuff associated with him. It all sounded pretty weird to me .

Like I said I kept holding on for hope that he'd eventually make it up to me and take me out properly. We would discuss plans. He was keeping me hanging on by reassuring me " oh it won't always be like this " ,and he'd mention all the things he'd want to do . Maybe I should have ghosted him mid sentence like what he did and see what happens .

I've expressed my feelings in text and face to face . I've told him I feel I do matter to him and that he'll be like " whatever" if I disappear. He kept saying ity not like that. He was keeping me at arms length but close ...hard to explain really.

He behaves like a scammer catfish but he's not , as I've met him several times,but maybe he's lying about other stuff. We only ever hugged and kissed . But it got pretty intense at times .

June 19, 2023

1 minute ago, Liliana09 said:

I've met him several times. We only ever hugged and kissed .

That's good news. You didn't invest too much in this situation. How old is he? Do you work? Go to school? Live with parents or roommates?

If you dislike dating apps, try joining some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness take some classes and courses and broaden your social horizons. This way you can make friends and meet men in in-person settings.

You dodged a bullet, so be grateful you're free to talk to and meet other men.

June 19, 2023

8 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

So, in the whole wide world of men available to you, you pick the one with a shady story? why? Don't you think you deserve to date a man that has his s$it together? Or maybe men with their life on track aren't 'dangerous' enough for you? You like the bad-boys, etc etc. And on top of having a shady story he treats you poorly, I mean why oh why do you want to give 'that' the benefit of the doubt?

You need to ask yourself some serious question because YOUR choice of men will define the type of relationships and life you'll have. The oh-so-sexy but shady men NEVER bring us satisfaction, love, support, communication, respect, consideration, and all the good stuff. It's always a life of secrecy & doubts and they are good at making you believe it's all in your head.

My advice to you is to go back online and go get yourself a better fish. Online sucks? Of course it does! It's not suppose to be easy, it's hard, frustrating, demanding but most people find when they respect their standards. Which you are not doing here. Give it some thought a minute....How will you introduce him to your mother! here's my boyfriend he still lives with his ex. or you'll start lying to your family to save face?

Ask yourself why you give value to a man that has no time for you and has a shady story?

But he told you ABC.....really? Like NO men EVER have lied about still being in relationships, NO men EVER have tried to make women believe that the woman under their roof is an ex.

Everything you've said ironically is exactly what I say about dodgy weird men. I think I made the mistake of going back to him after the whole week of ghosting. That should have been a massive red flag . I guess that gave him the green light to keep stringing me along....and feeding me bs or exaggerated half truths. Weirdly he texted me the other day saying how all his ' stories " seem Farfetched like some fiction. But how he's " telling the truth ". So he must know I find his actions and stories / excuses very bizarre and confusing.

He knows he's not a catch ....as his situation will make other women run ,he himself kept telling me if it's too much then he'll " understand" . I feel I've been taken for a ride and I was used just to kill a few hours he was bored . Maybe other women turned him down when he told them his living arrangements. From what he told me ....he didn't get any conversation from the dating apps.

He said I was the only person who actually had a proper conversation with him that went back and forth. He said other women would just repeat themselves saying " hi how are you" over and over again with it never leading anywhere.

I gave him a chance as I know guys get it tough on dating apps, they get more catfish and bots contacting them than us women.

I would never have told anyone about his living arrangements,if or when I introduced him. I was hoping by then he'd get his act together and have moved out . I guess it was too much wishful thinking on my part .

June 19, 2023

6 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's good news. You didn't invest too much in this situation. How old is he? Do you work? Go to school? Live with parents or roommates?

If you dislike dating apps, try joining some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness take some classes and courses and broaden your social horizons. This way you can make friends and meet men in in-person settings.

You dodged a bullet, so be grateful you're free to talk to and meet other men.

I think I invested too much time , we held hands and kissed alot and hugged. I wonder if he just wanted to use me . But it never went further than kissing. Well we were always in a public place of course.

He's 38 . I was working like him but I am now looking for something . Yeah I thought about social group but I can find any decent ones. I just want to focus on career / jobs at the moment. I don't think looking for a man works that way, maybe I should stop .

I was alway free to talk and meet other men ,I'm not an idiot ....I was still browsing dating site. But I was actually respectful and was only interested in this guy . But now I'm browsing and swiping more as a " f you " to him. Doubt I'll date anyone else from the dreaded app though. I'll probably take a break or just not bother.

June 19, 2023

26 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

That's good news. You didn't invest too much in this situation. How old is he? Do you work? Go to school? Live with parents or roommates?

If you dislike dating apps, try joining some groups and clubs, volunteer, get involved in sports and fitness take some classes and courses and broaden your social horizons. This way you can make friends and meet men in in-person settings.

You dodged a bullet, so be grateful you're free to talk to and meet other men.

I've just deleted my last 2 messages I sent him over the weekend,I've deleted some other old messages where I'm embarrassed by them now . He's not reading them...so I might aswell remove them. And that way it will look like ...I never replied. He had 3 Days to check and respond to my last 2 messages ,he couldn't be bothered. So clearly I don't matter to him .

June 19, 2023

Another really weird and bizarre thing is .... before his ex suddenly got " sick in hospital" ,he said she was supposed to be " going away for 5 days" ...now all of a sudden she's sick and needs surgery ! . His life is like a soap opera ,I know crazy hectic things happen in people's lives,but there's no proof of any of this with him. I have nobody who can collaborate and back up his Narnia tales .

June 19, 2023

40 minutes ago, Liliana09 said:

Everything you say about him...is pretty much what I told him...when he ghosted me for a week back in May . I poured out all my emotions and gave him a piece of my mind ,whilst also trying to express that I tried to be understanding ...and I actually thought I would scare him off . As I sent him a super long email ... putting everything out there about how I think he's lost and doesn't know what he wants etc .

When he eventually got back to me a week later ,he basically made out that he forgot his phone and had to rush off as he got a call or text from a old friend's brother ...and how he was asked to travel to another city to help clear out his friend's house & things after she died( female dead friend) . I told him I didn't understand how he'd forget his phone especially when he has a kid to keep an eye on and surely his ex would be wanting to contact him. He made out they knew where he was . I had a feeling it was a steaming pile of bs ...but I went along with it ,as I kept thinking maybe some truth is in it . But I confronted him .....as I find it hard to believe he'd forget his phone. This is 2023 ! Everyone carries around a phone, it's practically a part of them . People even bump into others in the street glued to their phones . But I let it go and was like whatever then ,and I couldn't be bothered to press him further on it .

But I told him I found it odd that some old dead friend who he lost contact with, how their family would contact him to help out for a whole week. He made out it wasn't weird for him. He say apparently his dead friend was secretly seeing someone...and how he was getting rid of stuff associated with him. It all sounded pretty weird to me .

Like I said I kept holding on for hope that he'd eventually make it up to me and take me out properly. We would discuss plans. He was keeping me hanging on by reassuring me " oh it won't always be like this " ,and he'd mention all the things he'd want to do . Maybe I should have ghosted him mid sentence like what he did and see what happens .

I've expressed my feelings in text and face to face . I've told him I feel I do matter to him and that he'll be like " whatever" if I disappear. He kept saying ity not like that. He was keeping me at arms length but close ...hard to explain really.

He behaves like a scammer catfish but he's not , as I've met him several times,but maybe he's lying about other stuff. We only ever hugged and kissed . But it got pretty intense at times .

oooh ouch...ok the additional context is rough if I'm being honest.

I get giving people the benefit of the doubt, but you need a sliding scale lol!!!! You have to do it in proportion to what REALISTIC stage you two are at and what a person has "earned" in trust with you. Think of trust like deposits into a bank account. A guy you meet from online is at a $0 balance....He can build trust with you by keeping his word and following through on his promises and when you know him better. LIKING HIM a lot and feeling like you are saving some lost puppy is not a good reason to invest in someone. For example, in your situation, if I were in your shoes, I "might" (put that at distant MIGHT!) meet him ON A DATE. His description of his living situation, his job situation, his kid situation (nothing wrong with it but it will mean he will be stretched for time and you will likely be a lower priority), his own description of his dating app results, ohhh and his prior romantic situations. If he didn't offer up a date, I'd think he's full of it and not in a position to date. Therefore he's got no real business on a dating app and now he's -$0 in the trust or benefit of the doubt fund!!!

I'm sort of wondering why and you think of yourself when all these other dating app women rejected him and you think what's he's offering is fine?Also I think a revenge date is a bad idea sort of....in the state you are in, I just don't think you will absorb it properly at this point. You also need to make yourself more reassured and confident so you CAN find a good guy, not mess around with other dimwits in a hope you will feel better or can somehow flaunt it to him or gloat if he comes back in touch.

Honestly the fact that you had to pour out a huge email to him and try to get him "in line" in May is weird to me. The timeline is off somehow. Maybe I don't have enough information. By the "one month" you are stating in your OP, that would make this big lecture happening week one of dating. (which weren't really dates, but I digress)...I think that also shows that you are chasing in some way and have skewed expectations that aren't realistic. Don't you get that you shouldn't give access to your heart and life that easily? Someone has to earn it! Prove they are worthy to be in your life. You see how odd it is that you won't exchange phone numbers but you are treating this guy as if he's your boyfriend? What has he don'e even a few weeks back before any problems to earn that right to be in your life? Ask yourself these questions.

As far as he goes, you have enough information. i always say that dating is like an information gathering mission. You have enough information to make a decision on this guy. And it should be that he is not good enough to be in yours. Good luck

June 19, 2023

24 minutes ago, Liliana09 said:

. He had 3 Days to check and respond to my last 2 messages ,he couldn't be bothered. .

Yes definitely cut your losses and delete and block him.

June 19, 2023

Just now, Wiseman2 said:

Yes definitely cut your losses and delete and block him.

I'm not blocking him ,I want to see if he'll say anything .It been 3 days of silence so far.

I also wonder if it's some weird punishment as I took hours to reply to him last week ...after his " traffic problems" when he stood me up. But maybe I'm overanalyzing it all.

June 19, 2023

Just now, Liliana09 said:

I also wonder if it's some weird punishment as I took hours to reply to him last week ...after his " traffic problems" when he stood me up.

He doesn't treat you well or as if he's interested in you. It's not "punishment", it's overlooking red flags and talking to long online. The good news is once you are free of all this you can meet single available decent men who are interested in you,treat you well and want what you want.

June 19, 2023

21 minutes ago, Versacehottie said:

oooh ouch...ok the additional context is rough if I'm being honest.

I get giving people the benefit of the doubt, but you need a sliding scale lol!!!! You have to do it in proportion to what REALISTIC stage you two are at and what a person has "earned" in trust with you. Think of trust like deposits into a bank account. A guy you meet from online is at a $0 balance....He can build trust with you by keeping his word and following through on his promises and when you know him better. LIKING HIM a lot and feeling like you are saving some lost puppy is not a good reason to invest in someone. For example, in your situation, if I were in your shoes, I "might" (put that at distant MIGHT!) meet him ON A DATE. His description of his living situation, his job situation, his kid situation (nothing wrong with it but it will mean he will be stretched for time and you will likely be a lower priority), his own description of his dating app results, ohhh and his prior romantic situations. If he didn't offer up a date, I'd think he's full of it and not in a position to date. Therefore he's got no real business on a dating app and now he's -$0 in the trust or benefit of the doubt fund!!!

I'm sort of wondering why and you think of yourself when all these other dating app women rejected him and you think what's he's offering is fine?Also I think a revenge date is a bad idea sort of....in the state you are in, I just don't think you will absorb it properly at this point. You also need to make yourself more reassured and confident so you CAN find a good guy, not mess around with other dimwits in a hope you will feel better or can somehow flaunt it to him or gloat if he comes back in touch.

Honestly the fact that you had to pour out a huge email to him and try to get him "in line" in May is weird to me. The timeline is off somehow. Maybe I don't have enough information. By the "one month" you are stating in your OP, that would make this big lecture happening week one of dating. (which weren't really dates, but I digress)...I think that also shows that you are chasing in some way and have skewed expectations that aren't realistic. Don't you get that you shouldn't give access to your heart and life that easily? Someone has to earn it! Prove they are worthy to be in your life. You see how odd it is that you won't exchange phone numbers but you are treating this guy as if he's your boyfriend? What has he don'e even a few weeks back before any problems to earn that right to be in your life? Ask yourself these questions.

As far as he goes, you have enough information. i always say that dating is like an information gathering mission. You have enough information to make a decision on this guy. And it should be that he is not good enough to be in yours. Good luck

Yes it is rough ,I just feel down and depressed if I'm honest. I know I shouldn't let a stupid guy make me feel this way .

Ok ...in case I didn't explain properly and for context . We officially started talking online end of March , we kept talking back and forth in great details. Then I caught the vid in April / Easter ish . Then he lost his job . And we arranged to meet the start of May.

He disappeared probably second week in May or something ( for a week) . Then he came back nonchalantly apologizing for his disappearing act and the whole excuse with his female friend dying,and him helping out sort her stuff ,despite the fact she lived in a different city ...yet he caught the train . And he hadn't rvy seen her for a long time.

Then fast forward to now , I was seeing less and less of him. But we still met up . But I haven't seen him now for 2 weeks....in that period he was entertaining friends over for a few days. And then he had " traffic issues" stood Me up last week.

And now his ex is " sick in hospital getting surgery " . So I guess now he'll be Florence nightingale to her .

Edited June 19, 2023 by Liliana09

June 19, 2023

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

He doesn't treat you well or as if he's interested in you. It's not "punishment", it's overlooking red flags and talking to long online. The good news is once you are free of all this you can meet single available decent men who are interested in you,treat you well and want what you want.

I also did something childish and petty when I didn't think he'd come back ...when he ghosted me for a week . I spammed his inbox with junk. He wasn't happy about it ,but he was weirdly forgiving . And he said he understood I was hurting ,and he said he's laid back . I was surprised as I honestly thought it would have put him off and annoyed him too much. He also said the other week ....he was still getting junk and I think he was trying to sort it out. But he says he has other email accounts anyway . He swore he wasn't annoyed with me . But maybe he secretly was.

Edited June 19, 2023 by Liliana09

June 19, 2023

Oh hon, if someone doesn't bring out our best self, remove them from your life.

June 20, 2023

2 hours ago, Liliana09 said:

I'm not blocking him ,I want to see if he'll say anything .It been 3 days of silence so far.

I also wonder if it's some weird punishment

You like the drama.

I would suggest that he hasn’t used you as much as you ignored all the red flags and volunteered for this drama…

Your life will get better when you stop doing that.

June 20, 2023

Take responsibility for your actions. You make him out to be the bad guy here..... and he is.... but you ignored red flag after red flag, and chose to stay involved in this. You used very poor judgment in allowing this to go on as long as it did.

June 20, 2023

4 hours ago, Liliana09 said:

Yes it is rough ,I just feel down and depressed if I'm honest. I know I shouldn't let a stupid guy make me feel this way .

Ok ...in case I didn't explain properly and for context . We officially started talking online end of March , we kept talking back and forth in great details. Then I caught the vid in April / Easter ish . Then he lost his job . And we arranged to meet the start of May.

He disappeared probably second week in May or something ( for a week) . Then he came back nonchalantly apologizing for his disappearing act and the whole excuse with his female friend dying,and him helping out sort her stuff ,despite the fact she lived in a different city ...yet he caught the train . And he hadn't rvy seen her for a long time.

Then fast forward to now , I was seeing less and less of him. But we still met up . But I haven't seen him now for 2 weeks....in that period he was entertaining friends over for a few days. And then he had " traffic issues" stood Me up last week.

And now his ex is " sick in hospital getting surgery " . So I guess now he'll be Florence nightingale to her .

lol the florence nightingale line is funny...see? you've got to see the humor in this and think of it as a blip in your life that you will look back on someday and laugh with your friends and say: "oh yeah remember that one guy I liked for a few weeks, where I lost my mind and spammed his email, boy I dodged a bullet"

I think whenever we take the wrong path it can make us feel down. This happens to most people at some points about a variety of subjects and yeah of course dating choices are up there among the ones that make people feel the worst. I would guess part of a reason you feel down is because you ARE taking some personal responsibility, Hey, it's the choices you make that get you into a situation like this and it's the choices you make that are what will get you OUT of this...that's why personal responsibility is a good thing...I wouldn't waste time being a victim or putting too much blame on him. Just tell yourself: "he's not right for me"...that's all that matters.

I would also say that you probably feel bad because that is a long investment of time. Sometimes people confuse time investment with a real connection. There might even be connection but it doesn't mean it's someone you can or SHOULD put in your future plans. BUT the more a person invests in anything, the harder it becomes to walk away!!! Another reason why your plan to not multi-date (i really want to call it multi-talk!!! bc that's all it is) and spend such a great amount of time building this online relationship in advance of meeting is just hurting you. It's giving you fake guarantees-- and you don't even really know if there's chemistry, same values all of that or if the guy can follow through on promises and intentions. You are setting yourself up to over-invest in someone based on how you are managing your dating life rather than if they actually deserve it and treat you well and warrant moving a relationship forward.

I'm counting about 3 total weeks of dating--if we can actually call it that bc he didn't take you to do anything, right? Even guys without much money can plan stuff that is inexpensive or free.. 1st week of May, 3rd week of May, 4th week of May....and maybe 1/2 a week or a week in June (ok maybe 4-ish)...and now he's disappeared. How many dates are we talking about? 3-4? That was my initial guess...Ok even if it was significantly more, it was just hanging out and you were trying to tie him down from after the first week. You cannot rely on promises made in the talking, not-in-person stage. Idk why this part seems hard for you to absorb...That would help you a lot going forward to accept this as truth. They are false promises at that point--all conditional. They are wishful thinking even when people have good intentions.

And you became unhinged that one time, lol. Girl, you can't do that. That already says to me that you didn't have realistic and grounded expectations. Otherwise you wouldn't have flipped out so much. You might have thought something reasonable: oh he didn't feel chemistry but doesn't know how to get out of it with me since we've already talked so much on the app, oh I didn't know him a week ago, I will survive; oh I guess I didn't really know him if he disappeared like this, oh wow, I didn't think he would do something like this but I don't like this and don't want this type of person/uncertainty in my life. These kind of thoughts...and instead you hit him up with a huge lecture engineered to lock him down and get him in line, and attach yourself to this guy if he's compliant. In the limbo time when you weren't getting what you want/were promised, you do something that harms him with the email spam and that makes you look bad and not like yourself. (see this is why I didn't think the revenge date was a good one for you right now). It's too much drama.

Don't beat yourself up completely but you have to learn from this. You said you "know" you shouldn't let a guy make you feel like this. Ok that's the first step and now you just have to do something about it. If you keep telling yourself that you wanted to be with him and aren't getting what you want...it's will be harder. You have to take a proactive step, proactive thinking ("i don't want a guy like him or even better I want a guy like xyz") rather than "wait" and see what happens. or keep pestering him. You have power over your own choices. It's just time to make some good ones. Good luck

June 20, 2023

Most people would have deleted him after learning they are still living with their ~~girlfriend/wife~~ ex.

It should be a simple matter to dodge this bullet, but you seem willing to ignore those enormous red flags.

I think a lot of these guys are actually in relationships but pass it off as "living with the ex." Quite frankly. Consider there’s always the possibility that he's still sleeping with her and you're wasting your time.

My question to you is why would you want to tie yourself down with a guy who is living with another woman? Get a hold of yourself.

A porta-poke on a side show, obviously. If you don’t care you are not supposed to care. If you do care you are supposed to feel as you actually feel. You could also lie to yourself. For some people, that works.

June 20, 2023

6 hours ago, Liliana09 said:

I'm not blocking him ,I want to see if he'll say anything .It been 3 days of silence so far.

I also wonder if it's some weird punishment as I took hours to reply to him last week ...after his " traffic problems" when he stood me up. But maybe I'm overanalyzing it all.

Yes, it’s a lot of overanalyzing. He’s not as interested. Busy. Whatever it is just not around as much as you’d like. He lives with a sick ex.

At this point the situation is so riddled with frustration, jealousy, anger and confusion that it’s best canned asap. You’re really driving yourself into the ground and wasting your time.

Imagine all the free space and time you could have kicking this dude out of your life by blocking and deleting. He should be paying rent for the amount of time he’s been sitting in your mind like an idle block of nothing over the past two months. It’s ok to feel upset but change. You have to be the one to change to move this in a different direction.

It was a very, very slim chance he had anything to offer. I think the underlying issue is you’re not honest enough with yourself about why you feel afraid meeting people or new people in a timely manner. It’s become a perfect way to keep things going on a text/remote dating basis just like how you’re still not willing to block and delete this guy for good. Nothing much has changed since weeks ago…. End it so you can spend time doing other things and meeting new people.

Edited June 20, 2023 by glows

June 20, 2023

I had to travel 30 miles when i was dating a woman, but she was worth it in the end as we are now happily married for over 8 years now.

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