New to the app dating life - wtf happen

[Darkchan]

Right so let's just start with a TLDR, I went on 3 dates with a guy from tinder during two weeks, third one ended with sex, the day after he wants a phone call, ended with me doing a therapy session for 50 min through phone. And I am now in wtf happen mode.

So a little background info, I am new to the world of dating apps! I just recently came out of a 5 year long relationship (And prior relationship has all been through friends groups.) It was already not great the last 1.5 year we were together. He was deeply depressed and I had some health post covid issues. So I asked him to eventually move out almost 3 months ago. I had already thought about ending it for a long time, but I was unable to. I am still sad that we split up, but I knew and he Knew that we would be better off splitting up. Me and my ex broke up more because we were both miserable in our own bodies and health - not because we hate each other or so. 

So I started with tinder a month ago, a few male friends (I mostly have male friends due to my occupation being in tech) recommended me picking it up and that it was the best way to stop thinking a bout my ex and move on. So I Did. I was weird first to even consider swiping people, like choosing clothing or something from a catalogue. I am very very picky so I have mostly been noping people, I like to meet someone in a similar occupation as me and that is very active, travel etc.

So eventually I went on my first date, it didn't go well so we said well thanks and goodbye. Then I went on a date with a second guy and this is the above TDLR starts. We hit it off pretty well, we had a coffee and chatted for 3 hours. We had a lot of common interest, similar occupations and in general just had a great time. We split up, and he got in touch two days later saying he had a great time and asking if I was interested in meeting up again. I was, and I suggested that we would go climbing, as we both had that as a common interest. We later also went to dinner after and then hit a pub with arcade games (no alcohol involved). We ended up spending 8 hours together. Before we split up that night he said he liked to keep in touch, and I asked if we should continue with tinder or swap contact info. We swapped insta info. He chatted a little the day after, mostly cheerful jokes and such. the day after that he asked when he would see me again and I'm like well tomorrow I have time and asked what he had in mind. He said either to take a swim (was a very hot day) or dinner at his place. So I went with take a swim. He picked me up in his car and we spend a few hour together outdoor walking, swimming etc. When we drove home he asked if he could come up and I was like yeah sure. We played some games then, had dinner while watching a movie and yeah you know the rest we had sex. (again no alcohol involved) And it was great - last time I had sex was like 1.5 year ago so it was refreshing. He went home, and then the next day he asked on insta if I was available for a short call. And I then was like hmm okay that's odd. I had just ended work so I was like yeah sure you can call me now if you like. And this is where I and WTF... 

He said he didn't want to text me as that would be a dick move, and that it was better if he called me. And I'm like jokingly saying, should I sit down, you have some bad news and he laugh saying no. But it turns out that I should have sat down, because we ended up talking for 50 min... he said he was not ready for a relationship, and I'm like dude - we have metup 3 times - you are a stranger to me. He said that knew I was looking for more and a relationship and that he was worried to hurt me my feelings. He asked how I felt, and I'm like well yeah eventually I like to be in a relationship, isn't that the end goal of dating, but we only met 3 times. I had fun meeting up with him and I thought we clicked I told him and it was nice with sex, and I had hoped that we would continue to get to know each other but that was it.  I asked him if he wanted to [ ] around and date other, but it seem like that wasn't the case. I then asked why he started dating if he didn't want a fling nor was look for a relationship. He continued saying that he thought he was ready for a relationship, but turned out he isn't. And I know I should have asked him this before (I am new to this), I asked how long time ago it was since he was in a relationship and it turns out that it was only a month ago he was in a 9month relationship. I'm like that is not a long time ago. He explained that he had plans to end it with her earlier but he couldn't and thought he would eventually like her the same way but the feeling of suffocation didn't disappear. I then asked what he was afraid of, and he said he was afraid to be locked  down. And I'm like ooookay..... and I continued asking questions like this and he told me he recently had a depression and that he recently connected back with his friends and was till working on himself. He then started saying things like "it's not you, it's me." "I know how it looks - we had sex and now I'm pulling away." "but trust me I have too much respect for you to just ghost you and disappear."  It ended with him saying he wanted to stay friends and asked if I wanted to do that but he totally understood if I didn't want to. 

So there I was being a therapist for 50 min to a guy I met 3 times, had sex with and now we are friends...question mark..?? I honestly don't know what I should feel about this and if anything is even true. I'm going away in two days (from today) on a business trip and then returns 5 days later. So he said he liked to meet up and hang as friends once I was back. I was like sure, just reach out to me when I'm back.

And here we are. Me writing this post, because well wow, I don't know how to feel nor process this. Like on one hand, I'm relived because being in a relationship that fast would not have been something I wanted. On the other hand I think we had a really good time and that it had potential. I have never had a fling/one night stand before, so I started feeling sad and used(?) yesterday evening after I had enough time to just process what had happen. I'm also here to be like to ask, how normal is it for a guy to call you the day after, and then have a deep conversation like this for 50 min? As far as I heard - the normal thing is to ghost someone - which would have hurt a lot more I think. I'm also like, should I even try to stay friends with him, or was he just polite and said he wanted to meet up? I think based on the common interests we have, that we would probably have fun as friends, like I have with all my other friends - otherwise I guess we wouldn't have hit it off so well. 

(Edit: I can also add that, if anything, this really made me miss my ex. )

Edited June 17, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[Wiseman2]

As long as you had a good time, no harm, no foul. Unfortunately there's a lot of guys who are suddenly too (fill in the blank) depressed, wounded, stressed, busy, etc after sex. Tinder is a hookup app.

He seems to want to steer it to FWB or hookups, so if that doesn't interest you, tell him you're not a match and delete and block.

Please get a good profile and pics on quality (paid) dating apps. Carefully select your screening and matching criteria. Start talking to and meeting men.  You may find more serious daters and less players.

[Alpacalia]

His suggestion of dinner at his place and his invitation to come to your house. He had an agenda and you didn't recognize it. Don't beat yourself up over it. It's easy to be taken off guard in situations like that. Next time, if you're not sure about someone's intentions, don't be shy to express your concerns or decline the invitation.

Either way, try not to read too much into his offer for friendship. He's either looking for casual no stings attached or you're never going to hear from him again.

Just believe when he tells you he is not looking for a relationship.

With online dating you're going to come across a lot of duds and dating scenarios that don't work out so you'll need to learn to recognize the signs and tell-tale clues that a potential date is not a good fit. 

 

[Darkchan]

Yeah I guess I was too naïve and gullible... 

I think I was also more hurt than I realized, I was feeling a bit down while we talked on the phone. But now after processing it and it's the next day I do feel sad and upset. I am also asking myself why I stayed on the phone talking to him about his issues. I should just have said right, goodbye! I guess I was taken by surprised.

I told a few friends about this and they all said that it's typically me to be too kind and most of them said that I am way too trusting, which is also news to me... so I guess I learnt a lot.. if anything

[Alpacalia]

45 minutes ago, Darkchan said:

Yeah I guess I was too naïve and gullible... 

I think I was also more hurt than I realized, I was feeling a bit down while we talked on the phone. But now after processing it and it's the next day I do feel sad and upset. I am also asking myself why I stayed on the phone talking to him about his issues. I should just have said right, goodbye! I guess I was taken by surprised.

I told a few friends about this and they all said that it's typically me to be too kind and most of them said that I am way too trusting, which is also news to me... so I guess I learnt a lot.. if anything

That's okay. You'll become a little more discerning and allow yourself to be vulnerable at the same time with practice. I'm not saying he was out to play you intentionally and it doesn't mean he's a bad person. It could just mean that sometimes he finds himself in need of something different.

You're just getting out of a long term relationship so you might be a little more vulnerable to giving of yourself than normal.

Yes, good idea in hindsight to not play therapist. He has male friends for that.

It's best to just move on.

Edited June 17, 2023 by Alpacalia

[glows]

Considering you’re also three months (not long) out of a long term relationship I can see why this person’s behaviour seems annoying or upsetting. You spent time getting to know him and he led you to believe he was looking for something long term. What did his profile say? 

Do you feel you got attached early on? He might have sensed that and decided it’s best not to go further. That conversation you both had last - take it at face value with a fistful of salt. It may or may not be true and perhaps he isn’t even sure what he’s saying. He is transparent about his previous relationship and that’s a good thing. 50 min is not long. You barely know this person but it was a good time. It seemed you had fun. I wouldn’t take a lot of what he’s saying to heart. We can still be compassionate to one another even though there’s disappointment.

If you are hurt and have strong feelings for him then end it and don’t keep in contact. If you can’t be bothered whether he’s telling the truth or not and it doesn’t affect you or concern you, I have a feeling you wouldn’t care nor would you be here upset. Move forward if you don’t want to keep in contact anymore.

Edited June 17, 2023 by glows

[stillafool]

You said you found the sex refreshing as you haven't had it in 1.5 years.  So don't feel used because it was enjoyable for you too.  As Wiseman said it does seem there are a lot of guys who all of a sudden have a lot of problems with themselves after first time sex.  Depression, it's not you but me syndrome, etc.  If you've caught feelings for him already don't continue to see him and have sex with him because now he has let you know this isn't going anywhere.

[Sony12]

Little surprised the guy actually called after the sex happened and didn't just disappear as many people do. He must have a little bit of a guilty conscience doing this stuff.

 

People losing interest after sex happens is extremely common on dating sites for both men and women. This guy actually went to more effort explaining himself than most people do.

 

 

[giotto]

Run.

[smackie9]

Sex is not currency for a relationship. You had sex without any talk of exclusivity/monogamy/real solid expectations. You take your chances.