cluelessinlove Posted June 15, 2023 Posted June 15, 2023 I am in a relationship with someone with a lot of sexual trauma and guilt so over the past 6 months we have been dating we have been taking things really slow. A few months ago I was showing my partner some pictures from a trip I went on and there were some (what i thought were) cute pictures that my friend took of me going pee. I thought it was cute and funny so I kept insisting on showing it to them and when they said they did not want to I just kept saying that you couldn't see anything (because you literally could not). I ended up showing it to them anyway and they were really upset saying that that was something in particular that they had fixated on in the past and that's why it made them uncomfortable. I apologized and said that I hadn't understood that at the moment and just wanted to make a point that the picture had no nudity. They were still deeply upset and brought it up a month later after they were present for a conversation I was having with some of their friends about sexual experiences we have had (it was in a car so they could not remove themselves). They said that it felt like I and everyone else did not care about their sensitivity to sexuality and that they felt particularly hurt because they had asked me not to show them the picture and I had still done so. I feel horrible about the situation. I do feel like I should have not shown them the picture or continued the conversation but before doing so really did not understand that this would be upsetting for them. Is there anything I can do or say other than be more careful in the future? I also feel like my experience with my sexuality is very different than theirs and before this relationship, it would be something that I would talk very openly about and in detail with other people (and even show other friends scandy photos). What can I say or do to make them understand that I know I did the wrong thing but also want to be true to myself?
Wiseman2 Posted June 15, 2023 Posted June 15, 2023 10 minutes ago, cluelessinlove said: What can I say or do to make them understand that I know I did the wrong thing but also want to be true to myself? Yes, there's a lot you can do. Save the locker room talk and pics for friends. You can be "true to yourself", and have discretion, tact and sensitivity as well. When someone tells you they're not interested in certain pics or sexual talk, respect other's boundaries. 4 1
Ageless Wisdom23 Posted June 15, 2023 Posted June 15, 2023 As wise as I Am, The Pee Pix bothered that other person because perhaps it was something sexual he did to another partner or other women or they did to him. Or wore a diaper when having sex. Think about it. This makes sense. Maybe it was meant to be for you to show him the Pix. It speaks Volumes to me.
Els Posted June 15, 2023 Posted June 15, 2023 2 hours ago, cluelessinlove said: I kept insisting on showing it to them and when they said they did not want to I just kept saying that you couldn't see anything (because you literally could not). I ended up showing it to them anyway So... they said no, you showed it to them anyway, but now you say you "hadn't understood at the moment"? Which part of "I don't want to" did you not understand? 2 hours ago, cluelessinlove said: Is there anything I can do or say other than be more careful in the future? Umm, yes. Just don't do things that people say they don't want you to do. How old are you? 4
Author cluelessinlove Posted June 15, 2023 Author Posted June 15, 2023 12 minutes ago, Els said: So... they said no, you showed it to them anyway, but now you say you "hadn't understood at the moment"? Which part of "I don't want to" did you not understand? Umm, yes. Just don't do things that people say they don't want you to do. How old are you? I really didn't make this post because I thought what I did was ok. The misunderstanding was that I thought they thought it was a very explicit photo with nudity and I wanted to show them that it was not. I understand now that that is not why they did not want to see it. Your response seems to have an undertone that is telling me you would like to convey to me that what I did was immature and disrespectful, both of which I agree with. My question is how to respond to this situation in a way that heals a relationship after one person (myself) has done something immature and disrespectful. I am sure many people have done things that have hurt their partners, I know my partner has messed up too. Like I said, it seems like there is a tone in your message that is conveying a bit more than the words of it. Do you think that this is something that cannot be forgiven in a relationship? Do you think that it is not right of me to ask for forgiveness for this action? Would you consider it more than crossing a boundary? Thank you, really thank you for your feedback. I think we are on the same page here, I am just trying to understand better how to be a better partner after doing something wrong.
Author cluelessinlove Posted June 15, 2023 Author Posted June 15, 2023 24 minutes ago, Els said: So... they said no, you showed it to them anyway, but now you say you "hadn't understood at the moment"? Which part of "I don't want to" did you not understand? Umm, yes. Just don't do things that people say they don't want you to do. How old are you? When I said " Is there anything I can do or say other than be more careful in the future" what I meant was what I could do to make my partner feel more comfortable after this incident/ways that I can approach asking them what the need and being proactive in apologizing. I completely agree that this is not something I will ever do again to the best of my ability.
ExpatInItaly Posted June 15, 2023 Posted June 15, 2023 1 minute ago, cluelessinlove said: what I could do to make my partner feel more comfortable after this incident/ways that I can approach asking them what the need and being proactive in apologizing You can't do anything more than what you have already done. You need to learn to respect the word "no", without any doubt. But your partner needs to meet you halfway if they choose to stay with you, and not hold this over your head. You have apologized and acknowledged their feelings, and committed to doing better in the future. That's all you can do. Have they received any professional help for their past trauma? 2
smackie9 Posted June 15, 2023 Posted June 15, 2023 IMO there's a compatibility problem. You sound very open and free mined, your partner gets triggered by things you don't see an issue with. That's gonna be difficult to navigate especially when you all get together with your friends. There's going to be a lot of aspects of your life you will not be able to share that makes you laugh/have enjoyment with. IMO that's stifling/ walking on eggshells. But what you can try to do is LISTEN. Respect their word NO, and don't sit there and question it. Can't be pushy. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted June 15, 2023 Posted June 15, 2023 (edited) Hold on, you were dating someone who told you they have serious sexual trauma and you bring out a photograph that they tell you is not good for them to see, and you pressed ahead anyway? OK, not the brightest move. But it's something I've done before. And I had to harshly learn my lesson and now you're learning yours. People with trauma have all kinds of quirky triggers. If you are going to date someone with trauma (or really anyone) you stop when they tell you to stop. It's that simple. BTW: the trauma could have occurred in the bathroom somewhere. And so even though it's just "peeing" that triggered all kinds of other memories. You don't want to be so literal when people define their limits about their trauma. But look I'm older and I have had had friends who got assaulted in school bathrooms and locker rooms and so on. Oh and these people sometimes didn't talk about the trauma till years, even decades later. Nothing you can do now. Nothing you need to do. Once you apologized that was enough. The other person has to accept the apology or not. But no need to walk around feeling so guilty. You didn't know. This is new for you. Paradoxically you don't want to walk on pins and needles around a person with trauma. So let yourself off the hook. You might have triggered a bad memory but I doubt you retraumatized them. It was probably more like uncomfortable. Edited June 15, 2023 by Lotsgoingon
Author cluelessinlove Posted June 16, 2023 Author Posted June 16, 2023 4 hours ago, S2B said: [ ] If it’s this difficult to connect with anyone you’re interested in - end it. It should have to be this hard to connect. also - learn! When someone says no - it’s NO!!! You disrespected them!! did you even apologize? based off of this incident and the reaction - I wouldn’t expect any sexual contact in your future… if she/he doesn’t want to see a photo - they certainly would never want to see your privates personally. I did apologize, thank you for asking. I agree that is a very important part of the situation. I assure you, our sexual contact was the last thing I was worried about this hurting : ( like I said, we are taking things very slowly and I have never done anything physical to them without asking, even small, everyday things like putting my arm around them and holding their hand
glows Posted June 16, 2023 Posted June 16, 2023 Why don’t you ask your partner if there’s anything you can do to fix the issue? You already apologized so don’t go overboard. It’s up to this person whether they can overlook this error in judgment on your part or the disrespect felt from your actions. It can take time so don’t rush trying to fix this or rush your partner or push them to feel better. At some point you also have to realize when it’s best to take a step back and stop apologizing for someone else’s experiences and pain. It takes two in a relationship. You can’t undo what you’ve done so just learn from it and see what your partner says. 3
BaileyB Posted June 16, 2023 Posted June 16, 2023 (edited) 8 hours ago, cluelessinlove said: The misunderstanding was that I thought they thought it was a very explicit photo with nudity and I wanted to show them that it was not. Kindly, this is a “yeah, but…” Yeah, I get it now, but at the time… this is what I thought/wanted… And what your partner said was “No.” Next time, just respect the “No.” Edited June 16, 2023 by BaileyB
basil67 Posted June 16, 2023 Posted June 16, 2023 I like @glows response. The simple question "is there anything I can do to make this better?" is a good start 2
Lotsgoingon Posted June 16, 2023 Posted June 16, 2023 And look, don't forget that she will at some point say something that really turns you off, if not offends you. May not relate to a trauma, but she'll do something (not thinking it would bother) that really irks you. Don't lose focus on your own worth as a dating partner. You don't want to suffocate your own confidence and vibrancy and even unpredictable playfulness under a blanket of guilt and tentativeness. Or else you won't be attractive any more. And the relationship will be boring.
Wiseman2 Posted June 16, 2023 Posted June 16, 2023 11 hours ago, cluelessinlove said: What can I say or do to make them understand that I know I did the wrong thing but also want to be true to myself? Admit it was inappropriate. You have the right to be whoever and whatever you want to be. However when you step on others rights and feelings in the process, you've gone overboard. People shouldn't have to reenter therapy in order to date you because of a lack of appropriate filter so you can be "true to yourself". Read up on "emotional intelligence" it's about picking up on subtle social cues and how to navigate this a bit better. 1 1
JTSW Posted June 16, 2023 Posted June 16, 2023 (edited) It seems you have no filter or boundaries. There is nothing wrong with being open about things, but you need to learn to listen. Don't push things on people when it makes them uncomfortable and when they say NO. Honestly, I'm not sure there is anything you can do with your partner. You pushed too far and they cant seem to let it go. Edited June 16, 2023 by JTSW 2
mark clemson Posted June 16, 2023 Posted June 16, 2023 Consider whether you are, perhaps unconsciously, bullying your partner a bit when you insist on showing them this pic. 3
basil67 Posted June 17, 2023 Posted June 17, 2023 (edited) I'm not a prude by any stretch of the imagination. But what's with the need to show a picture of yourself urinating in (what I assume) is a public place? Yeah, it may have been funny at the time and with those involved, and drunkenly laughed about in years to come....but even for those who aren't traumatised, why would they want to see it? Edited June 17, 2023 by basil67 1 1
Gaeta Posted June 17, 2023 Posted June 17, 2023 I think the main reason here is for you to understand that you don't get to decide if someone's *no* is justified or not. This person told you 'no' but you judged their no was not valid and you went ahead anyway. That's a big no-no. Respect people's 'no', not matter if you agree or not. 2 1
glows Posted June 17, 2023 Posted June 17, 2023 (edited) On 6/15/2023 at 12:20 PM, cluelessinlove said: I really didn't make this post because I thought what I did was ok. The misunderstanding was that I thought they thought it was a very explicit photo with nudity and I wanted to show them that it was not. I understand now that that is not why they did not want to see it. Ok so you had wanted to prove a point that it didn’t contain much nudity. In moments like this just take a moment to check yourself and check in (it only takes a split second) to look at your partner and gauge whether that person is feeling ok or doing ok. ANY discomfort or disagreement should be respected and in future completely stop what you’re doing. Whatever the case, trigger or no trigger, you never ever want to be overbearing and disrespectful. Put your ego aside and agree with someone else that your idea may not be a good one especially where it concerns major issues like this. Showing that photo to prove a point is not a good idea. It’s fine to shelve that thought and tell yourself, “I don’t need to go there and I have to respect someone else’s wishes.” Now if you’re telling us that you’ve had it with walking on eggshells and you feel you can’t be yourself around your partner that’s a different matter. Your partner has concerns and issues that are separate from the relationship. If you’re both incompatible and it’s best for you to move on and make a clean break. I get the sense you just want to make right and don’t feel you’re incompatible. This was a lapse in judgment and you want to fix the situation. Don’t rush it and let the other person approach you. You’ve already apologized. In future refer to the above with your thought process in situations like this. Just pause and check yourself first before going ahead with something your partner disagrees with. Edited June 17, 2023 by glows
Grumpy Bob Posted June 25, 2023 Posted June 25, 2023 I think there are a few separate issues here: Pics of you pissing aren't funny, and no normal mature person would be trying to show them to their GF anyway. The fact that you even thought of doing so, suggests you have a lot to learn, and a lot of growing up to do. Her aversion to this and reaction, suggests a level of abuse and trauma that I don't think you're capable of handling. Honestly she probably should not even be dating, and we can only hope she gets the help she needs. That you were apparently completely insensitive to her trauma, is extremely concerning and hints at a lack of empathy you may need to address yourself through counselling. That you pushed ahead, "to show her the photo didn't contain nudity," is similarly very concerning. Not only was it simply disrespectful, but your need to convince others that your pov is correct, is extremely dangerous. In terms of what you can do going forward, I suggest you give very careful consideration to the following questions, potentially with professional help: Why did you think a photo of you pissing was so funny you had to show it to your GF? How did you completely ignore the trauma she had already warned you about? What made you act as though your need for a laugh, overrode her needs? What part of "NO" did you not understand? Why do you think it is ok to ignore somebody's objections when they have clearly told you NO? Why was it so important to you to be proven right? Ultimately, I'm afraid it's pretty clear that you don't have the emotional maturity to be in a relationship with this particular woman. 6
JTSW Posted June 26, 2023 Posted June 26, 2023 (edited) @Grumpy Bob the OP's partner they showed the pic to is their boyfriend. Edited June 26, 2023 by JTSW
Grumpy Bob Posted June 27, 2023 Posted June 27, 2023 (edited) On 6/26/2023 at 5:49 PM, JTSW said: @Grumpy Bob the OP's partner they showed the pic to is their boyfriend. well that's the problem with people getting hot under the collar about pronouns... Whether their relationship is MM, FF, MF, or, FM, my advice is the same. Had the OP simply used "he" I would have done the same. [ ] Edited June 27, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator tone
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