In a relationship but not happy

[chickendinner12]

I've been seeing my partner for 4 months. They sleep over about 3 times a week. Often we watch tv or I take them out to eat. Sometimes we do events like this festival last week. This week I helped them get their internet set up, they asked me to housesit until the internet guy got there. I work remotely, so it was no big deal. They were very grateful and I said it was no problem.

I feel like I'm doing all the things a good boyfriend should be doing. Nonetheless I feel this bad feeling constantly. The thing is, I have't had any relationships last this long before, they always collapsed around the 3 month mark. I had a breakup in the past where I felt like things were going okay, only to get blindsided with a request to breakup. So there is this nagging feeling that something will happen to ruin this, so I'm never really happy. I wouldn't say I've seen any red flags, it's just a worry. What can I do to feel better? 

Edited June 15, 2023 by chickendinner12

[glows]

What are your worst fears? I’m wondering what’s your train of thought here or leading to this feeling.

[chickendinner12]

3 minutes ago, glows said:

What are your worst fears? I’m wondering what’s your train of thought here or leading to this feeling.

I guess the idea that I will be lonely. The feeling of loneliness is my worst fear. I've been lonely most of my life and don't want to feel that emotion anymore. I was very lonely before I met my partner. If I lost that I would go back to being lonely. 

Edited June 15, 2023 by chickendinner12

[glows]

Ok. That’s valid. A lot of people tend to feel lonely when not in a relationship. Do you have a good support network? Professionally and personally? 

Do you feel she’s sincere with you or do you feel like she’s keeping you around to do nice things for her? You’re allowed to say no or have a life outside of the relationship too.

[chickendinner12]

4 minutes ago, glows said:

 

Do you feel she’s sincere with you or do you feel like she’s keeping you around to do nice things for her? You’re allowed to say no or have a life outside of the relationship too.

I think she's sincere. She really never usually asks me for favors like that, most of the time I just do nice things for her on my own. 

Quote

Ok. That’s valid. A lot of people tend to feel lonely when not in a relationship. Do you have a good support network? Professionally and personally? 

Not really, maybe one friend. 

[Ageless Wisdom23]

You are just wary now and have up your guard now that the four month period is coming around. It is normal for you to feel this uneasy.  However, if you feel you would need to slow down for now until you see how things Go, Let your partner know this and work as One to work it out.  It sounds like you are doing a lot for "them" and I just hope you get something in return in being a partner and are not being used.

[glows]

23 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said:

I think she's sincere. She really never usually asks me for favors like that, most of the time I just do nice things for her on my own. 

Not really, maybe one friend. 

Do you do anything nice for yourself? The risk here is putting every ounce of effort into the relationship and not enough into self-care and taking care of you, cultivating any hobbies and interests and friendships that don’t have to do with the relationship. You might feel insecure but this pattern keeps feeding your insecurities because you don’t know how to be happy with yourself unless you’re in a relationship. 

Practice more self-care and self-love. Four months as mentioned above is also not long. Many people do feel some insecurity and want more stability in a relationship. You may be developing deeper feelings too and that’s fine. Ask yourself if you’re compatible in your values and beliefs and goals for the future. Do you see yourself with this person? 

[Lotsgoingon]

I'm not sure that dating solves the loneliness challenge. There are lots of lonely, isolated people who are dating and who are married. 

[JTSW]

In your previous posts you are female.

Now you're a male?

Sorry, I'm a little confused.

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

I think she's sincere. She really never usually asks me for favors like that, most of the time I just do nice things for her on my own. 

Do you date both men and women? In your previous thread you were looking for men to hookup with. 

As far as this situation, it seems like so far, so good. However if you feel bad, please see a physician for an evaluation of your physical and mental health. Get some tests done. Ask for a referral to a qualified therapist for ongoing support. 

That's the only way to help yourself feel better about yourself and your relationships.

 

[mark clemson]

14 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

I have't had any relationships last this long before, they always collapsed around the 3 month mark. I had a breakup in the past where I felt like things were going okay, only to get blindsided with a request to breakup. So there is this nagging feeling that something will happen to ruin this, so I'm never really happy. I wouldn't say I've seen any red flags, it's just a worry. What can I do to feel better? 

Biologically speaking human beings are serial monogamists, and the vast majority of relationships end. So, relationships that ended are not "failed relationships" - they are normal relationships, that ended. With that said, they don't have to and many folks eventually find a relationship that lasts a decade or more.

You can define love many different ways, but relationships boil down to a mutual choice to remain in them. If you continue to make that choice, the relationship will continue, so long as your partner continues to choose to stay as well. While that might be a platitude, it also points the way to effective action. The more you can do to help your partner want to continue to choose to be in the relationship, the more likely it is to last. And vice versa.

Something can always come along that derails a good, working relationship. A job change, the need to care for a remote family member, etc, etc. But within what you can control, the above will help the relationship last. I'd also note that helping your partner (and you) want to stay involves, ensure both your emotional needs are being met. Try to be sensitive to that and note if your partner may (eventually) start to feel "emotionally unfulfilled" as that is one thing that can lead to serious problems.

I will note that your worry about the 3 month mark specifically seems IMO to be a form of anxiety. If feasible, you could consider/look into seeing a therapist for anxiety-related treatment perhaps.

Edited June 15, 2023 by mark clemson

[chickendinner12]

7 hours ago, JTSW said:

In your previous posts you are female.

Now you're a male?

Sorry, I'm a little confused.

Why is my sexuality at issue? Sometimes my partners are men and sometimes women. If this forum is biphobic let me know. 

[stillafool]

23 minutes ago, chickendinner12 said:

Why is my sexuality at issue? Sometimes my partners are men and sometimes women. If this forum is biphobic let me know. 

The reason she's asking is this forum gets a lot of trolls who pretend to be someone they are not.  No one cares what you sexual preferences are we just need to know who we're talking to so we know how to advise.  It's confusing to try to help posters who one day are a male and the next time a woman and vice versa.

[NuevoYorko]

1 hour ago, chickendinner12 said:

Why is my sexuality at issue? Sometimes my partners are men and sometimes women. If this forum is biphobic let me know. 

I don't think your sexuality is an issue at all. 

 Quite a few of us have interacted with you on your prior threads and felt we had a sense of who we were communicating with. You've consistently represented yourself as a woman,  and your dating problems were with men.   Now you act like a perfect "boyfriend"  and you're involved with a woman.  No problem with any of it.  But you can probably understand why "regulars" would be thrown for a loop.

Now that I realize that you are "gender fluid" and identify as bisexual, a lot of your past problems seem like they might be easy to solve - you need to keep dating people who are not interested in traditional relationships with cisgender women.  

Maybe this person is not the right match for you but at least you're on the right track as you are "out" with this person.  

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, chickendinner12 said:

 Sometimes my partners are men and sometimes women. . 

That's fine. However you still seem unhappy in this relationship. What do you think would improve the quality of the relationship right now? Have you talked to her about it?

[smackie9]

Communication is your only answer. Talk to her about it. She is the key to helping you through this.

[Els]

16 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

I feel like I'm doing all the things a good boyfriend should be doing. Nonetheless I feel this bad feeling constantly. The thing is, I have't had any relationships last this long before, they always collapsed around the 3 month mark. I had a breakup in the past where I felt like things were going okay, only to get blindsided with a request to breakup. So there is this nagging feeling that something will happen to ruin this, so I'm never really happy. I wouldn't say I've seen any red flags, it's just a worry. What can I do to feel better? 

Honestly, this sounds like a general anxiety/trauma issue that a mental health professional should be helping you with. Do you talk to a therapist?

[Versacehottie]

2 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

Why is my sexuality at issue? Sometimes my partners are men and sometimes women. If this forum is biphobic let me know. 

Idk, it's not about your sexuality...to me, it's very possibly a similar issue you are having with your partner...If you can't be honest here in an anonymous forum where you are asking for advice and that would likely be a salient factor in what's going on--not to mention many of us will remember your previous given "facts"; then perhaps you have trouble being honest and forthright with your partner. That's a part of it i would guess. If you don't feel 100% comfortable being yourself, how would any relationship progress in a positive way? 

*ps just as an aside, a lot of people put time and effort into their responses to you on this forum and to all the threads. None of us likes to be jerked around. You are underestimating our ability to retain what you've said before and get a sense for you as a person and a personality. That's sort of the best way we can help. None of us likes to be lied to. It comes off like you are manipulating current details to get a response you want or that's easier to hear--when a lot of us haven't forgotten your past posts and cannot square up the new information with the old. It's 1000 times more THIS than any bias against whatever your sexuality is.

[ShyViolet]

If you're unhappy in the relationship at only 4 months, then she is not the right person for you.  You need to end it immediately before you waste any more of her time and yours.  Just because you're afraid of loneliness, or because you've had several other relationships that all ended at the 3 month mark and you don't want to let it become a pattern, well those are not valid reasons to try and stick this out.  The bottom line is that this relationship isn't working and there are more than enough signs that she isn't the right person for you. 

When you find someone who you truly click with and have chemistry with, you'd be infatuated with them at this point in the relationship.  Four months into a relationship is the honeymoon phase.  It should be all excitement at this point... if it's not then stop wasting your time.  If you feel that you have unhealthy patterns or that relationships never seem to work for you, then get into therapy and do some work on yourself before you date again.

[Lotsgoingon]

I can't tell if you're unhappy because of the fear that disaster will suddenly strike and you'll be dumped ... or if you're unhappy about the relationship in general. 

[JTSW]

16 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

Why is my sexuality at issue? Sometimes my partners are men and sometimes women. If this forum is biphobic let me know. 

You misunderstood me.

Never said it was an issue.

Neither me nor this forum are biphobic.

My daughter is bisexual and I am very proud of her. 

[chickendinner12]

10 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

I can't tell if you're unhappy because of the fear that disaster will suddenly strike and you'll be dumped ... or if you're unhappy about the relationship in general. 

That's a good question, I'm not sure. One thing I've been thinking about is, We're four months into this relationship, and I'm still the one planning and initiating everything. They don't take initiative very much. I don't know what that means. But my partner says yes to everything I propose, and seems happy with whatever we do, so I don't know if it's a problem?

Edited June 16, 2023 by chickendinner12

[chickendinner12]

20 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

If you're unhappy in the relationship at only 4 months, then she is not the right person for you.  You need to end it immediately before you waste any more of her time and yours. 

 

I don't think its ever good advice online to tell someone to end their relationship, that's something each person has to decide for themselves. 

Quote

The bottom line is that this relationship isn't working and there are more than enough signs that she isn't the right person for you. 

What signs do you see? I've been known to ignore red flags in the past, so I'm open to the idea there's something I'm not seeing clearly. 

Edited June 16, 2023 by chickendinner12

[Alvino Martins]

It's wonderful to hear that you've been putting in effort and doing all the things that make you a caring and supportive partner. However, it's understandable that past relationship experiences have left you feeling cautious and worried about the future. Trust and stability can take time to build, and it's natural to have concerns based on previous disappointments.

To alleviate these worries and find a sense of peace, it's important to prioritize open and honest communication with your current partner. Express your feelings in a calm and non-confrontational manner, letting them know that you've been enjoying the relationship while also sharing your concerns stemming from past experiences. Healthy dialogue can foster understanding and create a space for reassurance and support.

Additionally, focusing on building trust within the relationship is crucial. As you continue to spend quality time together, engage in shared activities, and support each other, trust can gradually strengthen the bond between you.

In addition to communication, finding healthy ways to cope with separation anxiety is crucial. Engaging in self-care activities, such as exercise, mindfulness practices, or pursuing hobbies, can help distract your mind and reduce anxious thoughts. It may also be helpful to establish a routine or engage in activities that promote independence and personal growth, as this can boost your confidence and ease the fear of losing the relationship.

Exploring dating platforms [] can offer opportunities to meet new people and go on dates, which can gradually help in overcoming separation anxiety. These platforms provide a means to connect with individuals who share similar interests and relationship goals, potentially leading to meaningful connections and companionship.

Ultimately, remember to take things one step at a time and cherish the present moments without allowing past experiences to overshadow your happiness. Building a healthy and lasting relationship requires patience, open communication, and mutual understanding.

Edited June 17, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[basil67]

7 hours ago, chickendinner12 said:

I don't think its ever good advice online to tell someone to end their relationship, that's something each person has to decide for themselves. 

Kindly, when you ask for advice you will receive it.   Of course, it is always up to you whether or not you accept that advice