My ex left me for a rebound (I think)

[frazzl]

Bear with me because this is gonna be a long read.

My ex and I were together for a little over 2 years when she decided to break up with me. We had been going through conflict for a while, a bit of bickering here and there, but still it came as a shock when she decided to leave because I never got an explanation. She just cut me off and gave me the silent treatment. I was completely devastated and felt so lost. I couldn’t sleep, could barely eat, but thankfully I had friends who were able to make me smile from time to time. I was sad but ultimately also angry. After about a month she reached out to me again, but I kept my distance as I didn’t feel I was in the right place mentally or emotionally. I would respond to her, but with caution. Eventually we met up and ended up sleeping together. In hindsight, maybe that was stupid. But we didn’t rekindle the relationship as I was still very hurt and didn’t feel like we could proceed as if nothing happened.

I knew that she was going through alot of internal issues (she’s dealt with depression before) and always tried to make her feel secure, that she could lean on me and we could work it out together. But my ex has always had a hard time with communication and I’ve known this since the start. I’ve come to learn where it comes from and I’ve tried to encourage her, make her feel safe. I don’t know if maybe she ended up doing some kind of weird projection thing onto me where she blames me/tries to make me responsible for whatever difficulty she has and for highlighting them.

Fast forward another month and she goes on a long business trip. During this time we said we would stay in touch (still not back together), but soon she goes back to her old habit of ignoring me and being plain disrespectful. I sent her a message and told her that I can’t take this anymore, and that’s that. Maybe I shouldn’t have, but I was in pain and had to find some kind of relief. It’s like she expected me to just read her mind and I knew that wasn’t healthy.

During this trip she met some guy. I’ve only recently found out that they slept together there and that their meeting happened shortly after I sent her that message. She’s told people about how much she ”connected with him”, how they see things the same way and so on. When she came back home though, she made subtle attempts to get in touch with me and I felt that she was sort of ”pulling” me in. Still no clear communication though, and I was still hurting, so I decided to keep my distance as I knew in my heart that I wouldn’t be able to give her the best side of me if I went back now.

She kept doing this for a while, and even expressed sadness when she found out that I had met up with an ex (we are nothing but friends and I have never kept this a secret). She reached out to me and it seemed like she was at a really low point, setting her pride aside for a bit. I assured her that I’m not interested in seeing anyone right now and that I need time for myself.

At no point did my ex tell me about what happened on the business trip, and in hindsight I would guess maybe she felt conflicted and guilty for doing what she did. Because she seemed to still feel very lost and depressed even after this encounter, based on what our mutual friends hinted to me at the time.

Recently she met up with that same guy again and they’ve been seeing each other since. When I found out, I unfollowed her everywhere. Eventually she noticed and unfollowed me too. Our mutual friends tell me she’s a workaholic and basically never stops working. She posts this guy on social media and interacts with him regularly for everyone to see. She’s been making ”digs” saying how she feels so seen and understood by him, about him being like love for the first time, she feels deeply connected to him on a soulmate level. Basically everything is sunshine and rainbows. They have things in common (but so did we) and it’s just so ”easy”. I’m pretty sure they’re gonna spend the summer together. He is charming, passionate, talented and what not..

My instinct tells me that this is a rebound and that she grabbed the low hanging fruit because she could reach it. Someone who showered her with affection and gave her physical attention. I love her deeply, I always have, but rekindling our relationship in the bruised state we’re both in would have been unfair and destined for failure. My intent has always been to heal and grow so that I can give her the best version of myself.

As you may understand, I’m hurting quite alot right now and feel very confused. It’s not easy knowing that she’s with someone else. She makes herself look happy (maybe she is) and boasts about him on social media, which to me feels quite forced.

I have absolutely zero contact with her right now and the only time I could see myself getting back in touch would be if she reaches out to me first. And with a good explanation/apology.

What is your take on this? Does it sound like a vulnerable/emotionally fragile person seeking comfort and looking for a quick fix to a much deeper issue? Have you ever experienced an ex leaving you for a rebound and did they regret it later?

[Wiseman2]

7 minutes ago, frazzl said:

  He is charming, passionate, talented and what not..My instinct tells me that this is a rebound and that she grabbed the low hanging fruit because she could reach it. . My intent has always been to heal and grow so that I can give her the best version of myself.

Sorry this happened. What were the conflicts and bickering about? 

It does seem like she grabbed on to someone for comfort and fantasy romance.

It's good you're stepping back. Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Focus on yourself.

[frazzl]

4 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. What were the conflicts and bickering about? 

It does seem like she grabbed on to someone for comfort and fantasy romance.

It's good you're stepping back. Delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. Focus on yourself.

It wasn’t anything big. For example, I would express to her how I felt when she refused to communicate with me, when it was so obvious that she was holding stuff inside and thus allowing it to grow heavier. And she would get mad at me for that.

I guess part of me worries that whatever she has with this guy is real, but there’s nothing I can do regardless. Though it does feel super rushed and forced.

I still follow her friends because they’re nice people, but we don’t interact for obvious reasons. I’m keeping my distance.

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, frazzl said:

Does it sound like a vulnerable/emotionally fragile person seeking comfort and looking for a quick fix to a much deeper issue?

Nah, I don't think it's that deep. 

It sounds like a young woman who outgrew the relationship, and got messy with the break-up when she was finding her feet as a newly-single person. You two should have kept your distance from each other after the split but these things happen. 

And so do thrilling new romances when one is recently-single. A rebound would mean she is trying to fill the void left by you, but that's often the zone of the dumpee rather than the dumper. It doesn't mean this new romance will last, but it does mean she didn't grab on to him to get over you. She is simply experiencing the rush of something new and exciting. 

It hurts, but it's best you cut off all information about her. There is no reason for you to know what she's posting online about him. Who is giving you these details? 

[frazzl]

20 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Nah, I don't think it's that deep. 

It sounds like a young woman who outgrew the relationship, and got messy with the break-up when she was finding her feet as a newly-single person. You two should have kept your distance from each other after the split but these things happen. 

And so do thrilling new romances when one is recently-single. A rebound would mean she is trying to fill the void left by you, but that's often the zone of the dumpee rather than the dumper. It doesn't mean this new romance will last, but it does mean she didn't grab on to him to get over you. She is simply experiencing the rush of something new and exciting. 

It hurts, but it's best you cut off all information about her. There is no reason for you to know what she's posting online about him. Who is giving you these details? 

Well, based on how the break up happened so suddenly and the fact that she was so push/pull pretty much from the start, including after she had been with this new guy, is what gave me the feeling she was never really sure of her decision. And with all of this happening so fast, and how she’s so obvious about it on social media, is what gives me the idea it’s a rebound. 

I saw some of it before I unfollowed her everywhere. And then some mutual friends have mentioned it to me as well. 

[Lotsgoingon]

My take is what the heck are you doing following and asking about someone who dumped you without communicating and who you aren't comfortable with at all?!

Look, when someone does not tell you why they broke up with you, it's usually because they feel telling you will crush you. Or it's something they're maybe not quite comfortable publicly saying.

So no explanation for breakup is an explanation. People don't randomly break up. She was unhappy about some big elements of the relationship. That she didn't tell you means nothing. God, the fake excuses (I confess) that I gave people for breaking when I was younger. Embarrassing. Because I didn't want to say the direct reason. Like sometimes I just didn't think my partner was all that bright or all that fun or I just wasn't all that attracted. Sometimes a combination.

Move on. Don't be asking her. Move on. Grieve, rage in private or to friends. And learn. Now, at a later level of emotional sophistication you'll be able to say why she broke up with you. The clues are almost always there. The clues revealed in actions (and lack of actions) are more important, far more important, than the words. But you have to really be willing to think and review and be honest. 

You're wasting time. Move on. So what that she's with someone else!  Yes, that hurts, but that hurt will help you get over her and help you out of denial. Time to focus your mind on all the things you did not like about the relationship. BTW: you do not want to try to rescue someone from depression. I mean yes, for friends. With romance, you keep distance. And rescuing them (the fantasy of rescuing) earns you no points. And that's a way of neglecting yourself. While you're trying to be a shoulder for her to lean on, you're not asking for what you want. So you set up a scenario of self-neglect. 

Either a person is ready to date now or not. If not, you move on. 

Edited June 13, 2023 by Lotsgoingon

[basil67]

5 hours ago, frazzl said:

I knew that she was going through alot of internal issues (she’s dealt with depression before) and always tried to make her feel secure, that she could lean on me and we could work it out together. But my ex has always had a hard time with communication and I’ve known this since the start. I’ve come to learn where it comes from and I’ve tried to encourage her, make her feel safe. I don’t know if maybe she ended up doing some kind of weird projection thing onto me where she blames me/tries to make me responsible for whatever difficulty she has and for highlighting them.

 

4 hours ago, frazzl said:

It wasn’t anything big. For example, I would express to her how I felt when she refused to communicate with me, when it was so obvious that she was holding stuff inside and thus allowing it to grow heavier. And she would get mad at me for that.

I think that is all fell apart here.  You seem like a deep thinker and communicator, where she's more likely to run on instinct.  What went wrong was you trying to support her to change/grow/improve but she was OK with who she is. The message which came through was that you weren't accepting her as is.

Communicating how a partner's actions make us feel is important, but there comes a time where we have to stop talking and realise that to a certain extent, the person is who they are.  In you case, if she didn't want to talk and open up, this was her prerogative, and further 'encouragement' from you will just make her more frustrated.  Of course, if she was ready to change, then her taking initiative to see a therapist would have been a better choice.

This new guy she's seeing is undoubtedly someone who just lets her be herself and she's not feeling pressured to be more expressive.  And in a weird kind of way, this is probably giving her a lot of emotional freedom.  We can't say if it will last, but I agree with other posters who say the dumper generally isn't the one who rebounds.  Because she was the one who ended it, she would have already emotionally moved on and is now out and exploring again.

Next time you have a partner who isn't meeting your needs, mention the problem once or maybe twice. But when they show you who they are, believe them.  Don't try to fix them.  And if the whole thing isn't working out, don't waste two years trying to fix it.  Just end it and move on.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

It appears she didn't want to be in areal relationship with you anymore.  She wanted her freedom.  However, When the chips were down and the other was Gone, She latched on to you as her "I can have my cake any time I want with you" and you enabled it.  Without taking her back.  Good thinking to be a bit wary.  Now she is back with Mr. Right Here, Ignoring you and all of the rest of the things to put you aside.  However, if He and Her ever break it Off, I am betting she will come running.  Block her butt before that ever happens.  You will always end up Her----rebound.

[glows]

I’m going to be very blunt here as it’s not very clear what the disagreements in your relationship were about. They may be small to you but big to her, issues that culminated in her shutting down further.

When you say she decided to leave she may also have been tired of discussing and bickering. If you both were bickering it means she HAS been vocal in the past but maybe doesn’t feel heard. The point is it seems she has indeed communicated with you a number of times at some level or another. You both just never got to a point where you agreed.

At the same time I want to comment on the part where you mentioned she blames you for her inadequacies or failings. It makes me wonder why you’d want to be around someone like this or make her “feel safe”. A person generally has to be decently secure in themselves without placing the burden on their partner to keep helping them feel secure and safe. If there is constant appeasing and validation needed something is very wrong with the relationship.

It doesn’t sound like this was meant to last and whether it’s you or her or the combination of the two of you incompatible together, that’s hard to say as there aren’t any details about the issues that caused the bickering or disagreements. It sounds like a couple who have both said what they had to say and it didn’t work out.

The bottomline is she’s with someone else and best to respect that. You blocked and deleted her from socials and any contact so that’s a good first step in moving on. She deserves to find someone she gets along better with. She’s posting on those socials and she is communicating. I don’t think those are digs. That’s her life as difficult as it may be for you to read or see. Better to close the door on this and think back/reflect on the disagreements and incompatibility. It’s still raw and fresh so give yourself time.

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, frazzl said:

Well, based on how the break up happened so suddenly and the fact that she was so push/pull pretty much from the start, including after she had been with this new guy, is what gave me the feeling she was never really sure of her decision.

You're mistaken about that. 

She doesn't want to be with you, as much as that hurts. But she is learning to live without you as her constant companion, and you were the filler while she looked for someone else to date. It's common with less-mature dumpers. They will happily keep their ex around for attention until they meet someone else, then you get left to twist in the wind. 

Have you posted this before, by the way? I could swear I read almost exactly the same story very recently. 

[frazzl]

10 hours ago, Lotsgoingon said:

My take is what the heck are you doing following and asking about someone who dumped you without communicating and who you aren't comfortable with at all?!

Look, when someone does not tell you why they broke up with you, it's usually because they feel telling you will crush you. Or it's something they're maybe not quite comfortable publicly saying.

So no explanation for breakup is an explanation. People don't randomly break up. She was unhappy about some big elements of the relationship. That she didn't tell you means nothing. God, the fake excuses (I confess) that I gave people for breaking when I was younger. Embarrassing. Because I didn't want to say the direct reason. Like sometimes I just didn't think my partner was all that bright or all that fun or I just wasn't all that attracted. Sometimes a combination.

Move on. Don't be asking her. Move on. Grieve, rage in private or to friends. And learn. Now, at a later level of emotional sophistication you'll be able to say why she broke up with you. The clues are almost always there. The clues revealed in actions (and lack of actions) are more important, far more important, than the words. But you have to really be willing to think and review and be honest. 

You're wasting time. Move on. So what that she's with someone else!  Yes, that hurts, but that hurt will help you get over her and help you out of denial. Time to focus your mind on all the things you did not like about the relationship. BTW: you do not want to try to rescue someone from depression. I mean yes, for friends. With romance, you keep distance. And rescuing them (the fantasy of rescuing) earns you no points. And that's a way of neglecting yourself. While you're trying to be a shoulder for her to lean on, you're not asking for what you want. So you set up a scenario of self-neglect. 

Either a person is ready to date now or not. If not, you move on. 

I haven’t been asking and have been keeping my distance, though I was still following her until I saw she suddenly started posting the new dude.

I am fully aware that there is nothing I can do. That’s why I haven’t been exactly reciprocating when she’s been pulling at me, because it’s not fair to her either. But when she dumped me she was incredibly cold and hurt me to the core, and I’m not sure how anything is supposed to work out if you don’t allow a person to address this, to make sure it doesn’t happen again. She dumped me and then came back but did not acknowledge the hurt. I almost felt a bit gaslit to be quite honest. I’ve asked for forgiveness too as I understand that I haven’t been my best self at all times, but she’s always been quite prideful and never had an easy time forgiving those who somehow disappoint her. Unfortunately no one will ever be able to read her mind, which I think is what she expects alot of the time. So me keeping my distance has not been because I don’t want her, but to heal myself, become better and also give her the opportunity to understand. It’s very possible that she took this as me giving her the cold shoulder and not wanting her anymore, though.

I am also fully aware that I couldn’t rescue her from depression. I, too, have suffered from this and know how much it can ruin relationships with people around you. Part of me keeping my distance has been for this, because I know I can’t save her. We all go through phases in life and maybe this is another one of those for her. But I am staying on the sideline. 

[frazzl]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

 

I think that is all fell apart here.  You seem like a deep thinker and communicator, where she's more likely to run on instinct.  What went wrong was you trying to support her to change/grow/improve but she was OK with who she is. The message which came through was that you weren't accepting her as is.

Communicating how a partner's actions make us feel is important, but there comes a time where we have to stop talking and realise that to a certain extent, the person is who they are.  In you case, if she didn't want to talk and open up, this was her prerogative, and further 'encouragement' from you will just make her more frustrated.  Of course, if she was ready to change, then her taking initiative to see a therapist would have been a better choice.

This new guy she's seeing is undoubtedly someone who just lets her be herself and she's not feeling pressured to be more expressive.  And in a weird kind of way, this is probably giving her a lot of emotional freedom.  We can't say if it will last, but I agree with other posters who say the dumper generally isn't the one who rebounds.  Because she was the one who ended it, she would have already emotionally moved on and is now out and exploring again.

Next time you have a partner who isn't meeting your needs, mention the problem once or maybe twice. But when they show you who they are, believe them.  Don't try to fix them.  And if the whole thing isn't working out, don't waste two years trying to fix it.  Just end it and move on.

The issue is much deeper than that. Long story short, she has always had alot of internal struggles and been very vulnerable to external factors. Like people’s opinions of her, of her lifestyle etc. I think somewhere along the way she simply lost herself and entered another dark period, and because I was there maybe she attributed it to me. I’m definitely not perfect and definitely have made mistakes, maybe I have been ”too much” sometimes, but forgiveness is key to move past the problems. I wanted to, but at the same time I don’t want to tell her what to do or how to do it, because I feel that she has the right to discover this herself. And because she wants to do it, not because someone else is telling her to, which has been the case with alot of people throughout her lifetime.

She is going to therapy by the way, and has been going for a while. So that’s a really good thing.

[frazzl]

3 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You're mistaken about that. 

She doesn't want to be with you, as much as that hurts. But she is learning to live without you as her constant companion, and you were the filler while she looked for someone else to date. It's common with less-mature dumpers. They will happily keep their ex around for attention until they meet someone else, then you get left to twist in the wind. 

Have you posted this before, by the way? I could swear I read almost exactly the same story very recently. 

I don’t know, but after she left me out of the blue, she came back as though she had made a mistake. But was unable to navigate her way out of it, I guess. She kept pulling at me but I was in a really bad place and tried to make her understand that I need to focus on myself now, become better and stronger so that I can give her my best self. But then this other guy came along, gave her tons of attention, with no emotional baggage, and she decided to attach herself to him instead. Because of the fact that it happened so quickly is what made me think it’s the ”easiest route” for her and now she’s already super in love.

But it is what it is. I’m keeping my distance. Maybe someday I’ll be able to explain myself.

And nope, I haven’t posted this anywhere before.

[Wiseman2]

13 hours ago, frazzl said:

, I would express to her how I felt when she refused to communicate with me, when it was so obvious that she was holding stuff inside and thus allowing it to grow heavier. And she would get mad at me for that.

Unfortunately it seems you have been incompatible for a long time and haven't been able to work things out. 

Consider this a blessing in disguise. This is an opportunity for both of you to find someone more compatible. 

It doesn't matter that she's seeing someone or whether it will last.

Definitely use this time for reflection and taking care of yourself and your physical and mental health. 

In the meantime discontinue trying to hold on or keep tabs on her. Because in the end, she left because the relationship wasn't working, not because a new guy came along.

[JTSW]

Honestly, I'm baffled why you still have hope for this girl.

You dodged a bullet in my opinion and you are thinking of her involvement with her new guy as fake because that's what you want to believe.

You did the right thing unfollowing her everywhere but its obvious you still look at her social media.

You need to stop this.

You also need to block her everywhere.

Start accepting that this girl is toxic and that she has moved on with someone else.

[basil67]

45 minutes ago, frazzl said:

forgiveness is key to move past the problems

No, it's not.  That puts the onus on the victim of hurt to solve the problem. 

Fact is, moving past the problems relies on the one who caused the hurt to acknowledge what they did wrong, give a genuine apology and commit to change.  Only then can forgiveness happen.  At what point *during the relationship* did you accept that you were causing her hurt, apologise for your actions and commit to change?   

Of course, you may not believe that you were wrong and that's your prerogative.  But if that's the case, then YOU should have ended it rather than keep trying to change her.

36 minutes ago, frazzl said:

I don’t know, but after she left me out of the blue

She didn't leave you out of the blue.  There was what you term "bickering" and what she'd likely term "fighting".  When there's too much drama, a breakup is to be expected.

[glows]

4 hours ago, frazzl said:

I don’t know, but after she left me out of the blue, she came back as though she had made a mistake. But was unable to navigate her way out of it, I guess. She kept pulling at me but I was in a really bad place and tried to make her understand that I need to focus on myself now, become better and stronger so that I can give her my best self. But then this other guy came along, gave her tons of attention, with no emotional baggage, and she decided to attach herself to him instead. Because of the fact that it happened so quickly is what made me think it’s the ”easiest route” for her and now she’s already super in love.

But it is what it is. I’m keeping my distance. Maybe someday I’ll be able to explain myself.

And nope, I haven’t posted this anywhere before.

She didn’t leave out of the blue. She left because you both were not getting along. She has been communicating with you in the past and you haven’t been able to agree as a couple. I can see why it feels like this is sudden because there is no agreement and no closure but you both have not been agreeing and have been bickering for some time. 

Couples sometimes do come back together for make up sex or seeking comfort after a break up yet not ever working out those differences and ultimately not staying together or breaking up permanently. It’s not unusual at all (sex and intimacy after the fact) but it’s also why it’s strongly advised to lose contact with an ex asap after a break up so there is no confusion in the aftermath.

The new person may be a rebound or not. Some people heal differently. The thing to remember is she doesn’t owe you any explanations. No matter how painful this is she and you both deserve to move on. Don’t keep looking at her socials, block and delete. Live your own life. This wasn’t working for awhile.

[Lotsgoingon]

You're way too involved in her story. We suggest you move on, and you start talking about her.

When someone summarily dumps you in a way that hurts, you don't try to figure them out--at least not past a couple of days. You silently curse them out and move on. 

You're into her story. Her story is her business. All you want to care about is how she treats you! What's getting in the way of her treating you better--that's fun to guess about or to speculate (I love doing that), but the cold wall of truth is that she's not treating you right. 

That's all that matters: she's not treating you right. Sometimes we break up and move on because we don't like someone's life .In any case, you guys don't easily get along. She has withdrawn. Time to pull away and grieve and move on. Following an ex who dumped you is just self torture. Yes, most people do it, but you want to limit it. 

[ExpatInItaly]

10 hours ago, frazzl said:

but after she left me out of the blue, she came back as though she had made a mistake

Not really. That would mean she came back and asked you to reconcile. She didn't do that, as far as I can tell. 

She came to you for attention and affection as she figured out her life as a single woman. She came to you so you could be her filler until she met the next guy she wanted to date in other words. Not to get back together. 

You're confusing the two. 

[OurLoveTurnsToRust]

She isn't sitting around looking at your social media, wondering what you are up to, not sure why you would want to spend time doing the same.  Yeah, you're hurt, but no one cares, especially her, if she did, she would still be in your life.  The problem is you and your perception of things, fix that and you'll be fine and MUCH better off.