I love my girlfriend, but have recently started constantly thinking about the (small) chance that there's someone better out there for me

[potatopancakes54]

I’ve been with my girlfriend for almost 6 years now, and it’s honestly been an amazing relationship for me. She still makes me so very happy whenever I'm around her, but I started having this nagging thought starting maybe half a year ago that there might just be someone better for me out there. Not to throw myself a pity party or anything, but I'm really upset at myself for feeling this way at all: I know I'm happy with her, and I know how lucky I am to have found someone that I genuinely consider to be my soulmate... but  at the same time, I feel guided by the principle that if I'm having these doubts, it's not fair to string her along and also not feasible to stay in this state for potentially the rest of our lives.

For context, she was really my first serious relationship. I'd had a few "things" with other women before but nothing at all serious, so I have like zero point of reference for whether there might be something better out there. And to be clear, I think there probably isn't just based on how good we are together, but I keep seeing my other friends date around and learn more about what they're looking for in a partner and having wandering thoughts about how I wish I'd had that kind of experience in the past, and how I'd possibly want to have that now. And yes of course, I know that the grass is always greener on the other side, and that the people who are actively looking would want this sort of stable relationship as well. But no matter how "bad" these thoughts I'm having are, I just can't control the fact that I'm having them, and I just don’t think it's possible for me (or fair to her) to ignore them indefinitely.

My ideal scenario: we take a break to cool down for a little bit and take some time to see other people, but amicably enough that we can get back together at some point in the future if we (as would probably be the case) still feel like we're best for each other. But I recognize this is unfair for a couple reasons, first that I know this might just come off as me wanting a hall pass to screw around and see other women which feels icky/close to cheating, and second, it would be unfair to any other potential partners we'd see during that time for just being trial runs.

I really want to emphasize the fact that I think it's a small chance we'd find anyone better for ourselves. I don’t want to get into any specific issues we have in our relationship, but they are truly few in number and generally actionable. I can so easily imagine us getting married, having kids, and living the rest of our lives together. But unfortunately, I also can't imagine shaking these thoughts I've been having thinking about who else might be out there.

Obviously, the first step is to talk to her about these feelings. We generally have great communication in our relationship including about any issues we have, but it's scary for me to broach a conversation that basically involves discussing an issue that honestly has no solution outside of us breaking up. 

Has anyone else had similar feelings amidst a long-term relationship like this? How did you handle it? Did anyone else go this route of “taking a break to see other people”? And if so, how did that work out? Did you meet someone else, did you not meet someone else and end up back with the same person (or alternatively did not end up with the same person and regret making the decision to take a break)? Thanks for your advice.

Edited June 11, 2023 by potatopancakes54

[Weezy1973]

My first relationship lasted six years, and in the fifth year I started having doubts. Although we were extremely compatible in almost every way, there was one fatal flaw. We weren’t compatible physically / sexually. In fact the last 3 years of the relationship were completely sex free. So breaking up was inevitable, and there was no reason to get back together. It took me 15 years to find someone more compatible, including sexually.

How old are you? From what you’re saying, I don’t think the debate is between your girlfriend and the potential for someone better. It’s more the sacrifice of the single life where you date around and “sow your oats” that seems to be at issue. And yes the grass is always greener. Anytime we make a choice in life, it means we’re sacrificing all the other potential choices we could have made. But not choosing anything is the path to a life unlived. 
 

So I would strongly consider your core values. What do you want in life? Don’t chase feelings. Long term relationships can get “boring” almost by definition. And that’s the sign of a healthy relationship in many ways. But if you just need some freedom to discover yourself outside of a relationship, so be it. Just keep in mind it’s really hard to find someone compatible the older we get.

[glows]

You may want to be prepared that she wants to move on as well and won’t be interested in rekindling. Right now you’re assuming she’ll find you compatible or attractive later on. 

Cut your ties and wish each other well. Your paths may cross later on but don’t hold your breath. People change.

[ShyViolet]

Your first mistake is that you need to stop phrasing it as "taking a break" to see other people.  It's not as if you can put the relationship on pause for a set amount of time, see other people, and then decide you want to go back to the relationship and she'll just be waiting for you, ready to pick right back up where you left off.  That is not reality.  That's ridiculous and not fair to her.  If you want to do this, and there's absolutely nothing wrong with doing this, then it's breaking UP.

This is the only serious relationship you've ever had.  You are getting bored and you are feeling a pull to explore what else is out there.  That's natural and healthy.  Do not kid yourself into thinking that you can have your cake and eat it too.  You need to choose which way you want to go.  Either commit to staying in this relationship even though you are not totally satisfied in it, or have the courage to end it properly so you can explore the world that is out there and experience what life has to offer.  You shouldn't ask her to stay in some kind of limbo for you.

[Ageless Wisdom23]

You have not experienced enough with dating when it comes to other women and you feel you are missing out on something.  It's like First Love and all of this.  And with nearly seven Years, It is kind of like  "The Seven Year Itch."  Understandable.  I doubt she is feeling like you and if you approach Her, She may be upset.  Not sure what she may say or do.  You both have so many years Invested.  Hard to begin over with another.  This is surely a Catch22 situation.  My own opinion at this Time, Don't jump into marriage until you are sure and have worked out any kinks.  I would Agree, Perhaps discuss anything you would need to with her.  I have dated and mated Many guys.  However, My worse problem with Most of Them------I get restless and don't wish to commit anymore.  It happened to me on my last LDR I had And--------I am feeling the Heavy Guilt of how I handled it.  We are managing to talk and finally (ME)Learning to be civil and am I am at this Time, Trying hard to get into his good graces to do More Communication Again, Rather than just emails and text.  This One?  I am wondering if I let the right man get away?  I do Know I am Missing the Four Year Kissing.......

Edited June 11, 2023 by Ageless Wisdom23

[Wiseman2]

7 hours ago, potatopancakes54 said:

 I started having this nagging thought starting maybe half a year ago that there might just be someone better for me out there. 

What happened 6 mos ago? Are you living together? Are you planning a future? Does she want more of a commitment?

Is there anyone you have your eye on?

Reflect why it was good for 5.5 years and what changed.

Taking a break almost always ruins a relationship already in trouble. She may not wait around or ever trust you again.

Unfortunately suggesting this means you are throwing her away. But want a security blanket in case sowing wild oats isn't what you hope. Why would she agree to that, then wait around?  

On/off relationships are fraught with chronic incompatibles and unresolved conflicts combined with an unhealthy attachment and lack of other opportunities. 

If upon reflection about the past 6 mos, you decide you want your freedom, then set both yourselves free. But without strings attached. 

Edited June 12, 2023 by Wiseman2

[potatopancakes54]

Thank you all for the replies. It really helps a great deal to hear your thoughts especially with regards to what I should be reflecting on here.

I obviously want to treat her fairly so I agree with everyone’s remarks on my ideal scenario of taking a “break” not being particularly realistic or wise.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, potatopancakes54 said:

obviously want to treat her fairly so I agree with everyone’s remarks on my ideal scenario of taking a “break” not being particularly realistic or wise.

Does this mean you're going to break up with her or stay put?

[glows]

20 hours ago, potatopancakes54 said:

Thank you all for the replies. It really helps a great deal to hear your thoughts especially with regards to what I should be reflecting on here.

I obviously want to treat her fairly so I agree with everyone’s remarks on my ideal scenario of taking a “break” not being particularly realistic or wise.

You could also flip the situation and ask yourself how you’d feel if she told you everything you told us in your initial post. Would it hurt you and break that trust? 

Your feelings and thoughts are very valid, by the way. There is nothing wrong with wanting to experience more but I don’t think you can have it two ways and expect her to be ok with it. It’s not to say she won’t. She may also want the same thing and you may or may not come back together. Right now there are too many hypotheticals.

If your heart isn’t 100% in it I’m also fairly certain she’s going to figure it out whether you want her to know or not. She may sense you distracted or less interested in the things you used to do together as a couple etc. 

[mark clemson]

On 6/11/2023 at 9:57 AM, potatopancakes54 said:

My ideal scenario: we take a break to cool down for a little bit and take some time to see other people, but amicably enough that we can get back together at some point in the future if we (as would probably be the case) still feel like we're best for each other. But I recognize this is unfair for a couple reasons

Has anyone else had similar feelings amidst a long-term relationship like this? How did you handle it? Did anyone else go this route of “taking a break to see other people”? And if so, how did that work out? Did you meet someone else, did you not meet someone else and end up back with the same person (or alternatively did not end up with the same person and regret making the decision to take a break)? Thanks for your advice.

"Seven year itch" is common enough to be a cliche, so yes plenty of other people experience this, probably many/most. Biologically speaking humans tend to be "serial monogamists" and even many, if not most, people in LTRs/multi-decade marriages had "prior loves".

I very much doubt you'll be able to have your cake and eat it too WRT this break idea. If you go forward with it DON'T expect that she'll actually be around waiting for you to return at your convenience. There's a chance of that, but it's low. It's much more likely she'll have a new partner that she is loyal to and may well be planning a future around.

It sounds as if MAYBE you've matured a bit as a man and so now see more opportunities with women than you believed you had when you were younger? Adult women have a tendency to look for more "established" men, and perhaps you've found that your "value" in the eyes of the available women around you has increased these days, and you are more aware of the hints they tend to drop, etc.

There is a point where "new relationship love" settles down into "LTR love" which is more familial in nature. I suspect you're experiencing that. Only you can decide whether LTR love is enough for you (and so you stay with her) at this point in your life. Perhaps you need to "sow more of your wild oats" as they used to say before you are ready to settle down.

[potatopancakes54]

On 6/13/2023 at 2:34 PM, stillafool said:

Does this mean you're going to break up with her or stay put?

I don't know yet, I really just mean that I recognize that the break option isn't a viable one (or at least one that I can count on to go the way I described in the ideal scenario in the origianl post). I will say that I think it's hard to imagine a solution to these feelings, which would indicate a breakup — but I really don't know.

On 6/14/2023 at 12:52 PM, mark clemson said:

It sounds as if MAYBE you've matured a bit as a man and so now see more opportunities with women than you believed you had when you were younger? Adult women have a tendency to look for more "established" men, and perhaps you've found that your "value" in the eyes of the available women around you has increased these days, and you are more aware of the hints they tend to drop, etc.

Yeah, I think you're right on the money with this — thanks for helping put this into words. I think as someone without romantic success or dating experience prior to this LTR, I suppose I'm curious to see what I'd be like as a single person now with the maturity/confidence I didn't have as a younger person. I've grown a lot throughout this relationship (I owe her a great, great deal for that), and even though I'm so happy with her, I just can't help but feel the need to sate that curiosity.

To all of you (and I'm sorry for the late response) — I just want to say thank you so much for the kind yet still very practical advice. I was worried about being judged or otherwise frowned upon for having these kinds of feelings (I've personally felt a lot of guilt for them), but all of you have responded in a fair way by saying that this is a reasonable/natural way to feel (@glows  @Ageless Wisdom23 @Weezy1973), while still giving me the splash of reality that I need to know that things likely won't work out in the ideal fashion I described originally ( @mark clemson @Wiseman2@ShyViolet). This is a great forum, and I'm really glad I came here to discuss these feelings with you all. I don't expect that I will decide in either direction or come back with meaningful updates any time soon, but please know that you have all still been such a great help for me in this.