Lola20091997 Posted June 10, 2023 Posted June 10, 2023 (edited) So I’ve been dating this guy for nearly two months. Before dating we was friends from the gym as I wasn’t looking for anything but he actively pursued me a lot. Over time I started to think why not give it ago as we got along and he seemed sweet. the last few weeks had been confusing as he will be all in and then pull back a little and by that I mean he’ll still text me and invite me round but the texting would be less or not as affectionate. Two Fridays ago he said so really hurtful things about my personality and made me feel like s*** and was very moody and snappy which shocked me. Basically said my personality was to much and I like to argue but I never tried to argue with him I would state an opinion but due to my tone of voice I can sometimes come across like that which I explain to him. The Saturday after he had a bad anxiety attack and he completely opened up to me about everything said that he is scared as this whole dating is new to him as he usually has flings or gets used and abused by woman and his last long term relationship cheated on him the whole time. Said he never opened up to anyone like this only his mum and one friend knows about his anxiety and how bad it is. I was supportive and understanding and after he was affectionate, funny and talkative and even told people at the gym we go to that we are dating. Well this up beat him lasted about 4 days this Friday he seemed off, and I thought it was his anxiety taking a hit again and he asked to talk. He turnt round and said he no longer feeling this and he are clashing/arguing (bare in mind if he being rude I’m not gonna take that lying down so of course I will say something back but I’ve never said anything that would come across arguing) basically he came across really harsh and bit of an arsehole. Said he feels like something is wrong and that is us and that we are to comfortable and affectionate for short amount of time which bare in mind I never initiated the affectionate at the beginning, he the one who invited me over all the time, would come back for 10 min cuddles when I was sleeping after him getting ready for work, the one who rubbed and traced my face and would give me loads of kisses before I left his house. On the comfortability part, I don’t understand how he said we got to comfortable around each other to quick when (to much information so I’m sorry) he was the one who would fart/burp in front of me, pissed in front of me when I was brushing my teeth and literally two days before ending it pissed in the shower whilst showering together and I didn’t care that he did that stuff as we was comfortable and I’m not a kind of girl that gets turned off my that if I really like a guy. Also said he came away from our conversation on Sunday about his anxiety and being scared thinking why did he say that he has made it out worst than it actually is, which I think is a lie from him to be honest. I know I probably have dodged a bullet as there was a few red flag and he started making me feel like my “quirky” personality is to much but I’m so utterly confused on the whole thing. I know people have a right to change their mind but how can someone go from telling people we are dating being very open and affectionate to cold in a matter of days. I asked why did he ask me round 2/3 days a week and was affectionate if he was feeling like this but he said he was “trying” which I got but to me try is seeing someone one day a week and not acting the way we have been. At first I thought it was just wanted me for sex as he went “ the sex is really good but rest ain’t there” but we hanged out so much and there was no sex involved as we enjoyed each other company. I just need to see an outsider point of view as it all confused me. Is he scared or is what he is saying is true that he suddenly ain’t feeling it in a matter of two days. thank you for any response. I know I deserve better and dodge a bullet. Just want to know if he just an arsehole or actually scared as it’s kind of ruined the friendship we did have if he being an arsehole Edited June 10, 2023 by a LoveShack.org Moderator paragraphs
Wiseman2 Posted June 10, 2023 Posted June 10, 2023 12 minutes ago, Lola20091997 said: he said so really hurtful things about my personality and made me feel like s***. he usually has flings. he came across really harsh and bit of an arsehole. Good you ended things. You dodged a bullet. He's a headache you don't need. He's not "scared" that's just shifting the scenario to he's a victim, everybody else is an ogre. Delete and block him and all his people from ALL your social media and messaging apps. 1
glows Posted June 10, 2023 Posted June 10, 2023 Do you even like the person you are around him or does he bring out your worst? There’s arguing involved here and from what I understand a lot of bickering and disrespect. The bottomline is he doesn’t want to be with you. Maybe you’re not someone he can bully easily or you’re more vocal than other women. Or, he has no clue how to maintain a relationship or be consistently respectful and considerate of another human being for longer than his shower-long-pisses. The main question you should be asking yourself is do you want to be anywhere near someone like this who has this kind of effect on you where you feel self-conscious and defensive all the time. Who cares what he wants or what he is. Be very real about what you want and how this 2 month rl has affected you.
Author Lola20091997 Posted June 10, 2023 Author Posted June 10, 2023 35 minutes ago, glows said: Do you even like the person you are around him or does he bring out your worst? The main question you should be asking yourself is do you want to be anywhere near someone like this who has this kind of effect on you where you feel self-conscious and defensive all the time. Who cares what he wants or what he is. Be very real about what you want and how this 2 month rl has affected you. Thank you for that! I think I knew this deep down too. When he was goofy and affectionate I did like who I was but most of the time I was just waiting for something to happen. I’ve always been very sure of myself but he did trigger the defensive always on guard and self conscious part of myself and I didn’t like that. 36 minutes ago, glows said: Do you even like the person you are around him or does he bring out your worst? There’s arguing involved here and from what I understand a lot of bickering and disrespect. The bottomline is he doesn’t want to be with you. Maybe you’re not someone he can bully easily or you’re more vocal than other women. Or, he has no clue how to maintain a relationship or be consistently respectful and considerate of another human being for longer than his shower-long-pisses. The main question you should be asking yourself is do you want to be anywhere near someone like this who has this kind of effect on you where you feel self-conscious and defensive all the time. Who cares what he wants or what he is. Be very real about what you want and how this 2 month rl has affected you.
Ageless Wisdom23 Posted June 10, 2023 Posted June 10, 2023 This guy sounds like, Yes---------He has been in relationships where he has been used and abused and it is now sadly carrying over into any dating scenario he is In and you will be the one who will be feeling his wrath. He will be hot and cold like a fun/non fun faucet and when he begins to get real comfy with what you have Experienced, He will grow cold wet feet and back away because he will perhaps remember his other relationships and it will scare him to the point where he is confused and act uncanny. He is unpredictable because of it. I think with someone such as This, Either one would have to have the patience to work with them or just call it a day. However, One never knows if someone like this would even ghost you.
Calmandfocused Posted June 10, 2023 Posted June 10, 2023 Firstly I have some good news for you; I’m 99.9% sure this man will be back. They’ll be tears, declarations of love and promises that he will change if you “please just give him another chance”. He isn’t done with you yet. He needs to put your through the wringer more. Bonus if he completely destroys your life and self esteem in the process. Be very very wary of men who demonise you at the drop of a hat (with no trigger to speak of) victimise themselves in the context of every past relationship, and who “fall in love” (Lovebombing) and over familiarise themselves with you way too quickly. The latter is designed to hook and manipulate. I know you’re probably heartbroken right now but it will subside. I strongly advise that you stay away from him.
glows Posted June 10, 2023 Posted June 10, 2023 5 hours ago, Lola20091997 said: Thank you for that! I think I knew this deep down too. When he was goofy and affectionate I did like who I was but most of the time I was just waiting for something to happen. I’ve always been very sure of myself but he did trigger the defensive always on guard and self conscious part of myself and I didn’t like that. Don’t become like him. Whatever he is he’s not your problem anymore. Anxious, defensive and self-conscious is not you. That’s him. And he’s gone. You don’t need to be like that or live that way.
NuevoYorko Posted June 10, 2023 Posted June 10, 2023 Being with him sounds like a lot more trouble than it's worth. That said, get used to the idea that a person can not want to be with another person for any reason or virtually no reason. It doesn't need to "make sense" to the one on the receiving end. 3
stillafool Posted June 10, 2023 Posted June 10, 2023 8 hours ago, Lola20091997 said: “ the sex is really good but rest ain’t there” I think he was trying to make it work because the sex was good. However the more time he spent with you he realized that your personalities aren't compatible so he ended it. You only saw each other for 2 months and it takes that long to find out if you're cocmpatible and he felt you weren't. Be glad it didn't drag on until the 6 month which is usually when people make this decision. It's also normal for people to chase and be very affecionate when they first start dating. Most people want and appreciate affection. 1
BaileyB Posted June 10, 2023 Posted June 10, 2023 It’s been two months. This is a whole lot of trouble that you don’t need in a two month relationship. Who cares why it’s ended - after two months, just move on with your life… nothing really lost here.
mark clemson Posted June 10, 2023 Posted June 10, 2023 (edited) 10 hours ago, Lola20091997 said: he is scared as this whole dating is new to him as he usually has flings or gets used and abused by woman and his last long term relationship cheated on him the whole time thank you for any response. I know I deserve better and dodge a bullet. Just want to know if he just an arsehole or actually scared as it’s kind of ruined the friendship we did have if he being an arsehole It sounds like he has a "problem personality" and/or a "personal problem" WRT romantic relationships. The precise nature of that is something you'll probably never know and his stories might be true or they might be excuses he makes when he drives off women to make himself appear more sympathetic/blameless. It sounds to me very much like he reeled you in with friendliness and then drove you off with negativity. The exact reason(s) driving this behavior aren't clear (and they rarely are). He may well be the "user" here. The part of this that is eminently clear is that for whatever reason he isn't right for LTRs (or even medium-term ones) at this point in his life. So, walking away is your best bet. If you "stay friends" he might reel you in and then push you away again or he might interfere if he sees you developing a new relationship (e.g. flirting with a guy at the gym you both go to) so I'd suggest you consider keeping him "friendly but at arm's length". Some people handle being around ex-partners better than others. Edited June 10, 2023 by mark clemson
ExpatInItaly Posted June 10, 2023 Posted June 10, 2023 5 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: Firstly I have some good news for you; I’m 99.9% sure this man will be back. I would argue that this is not good news at all, given what a tool this guy is. I do get your point though, and OP, you need to be prepared in case this man surfaces again. It sounds like you don't really have any boundaries for yourself and you more or less let this man treat you however he wanted. He is not boyfriend material at all. 11 hours ago, Lola20091997 said: pissed in the shower whilst showering together and I didn’t care that he did that stuff as we was comfortable and I’m not a kind of girl that gets turned off my that if I really like a guy. This just gross. It has nothing to do with being "comfortable" and everything to do with his total lack of respect for you. You don't get points in life for being the "cool girl" who doesn't expect and demand basic courtesy from a partner.
Alpacalia Posted June 10, 2023 Posted June 10, 2023 (edited) It's best to steer clear of this guy. He isn't mature enough or ready to be in a relationship and he put his own boundaries and limitations onto the relationship before it had even properly begun, and then he tried to pass the blame onto you by saying that your personality was "too much" or that you "like to argue" when you never tried to do either. He was quick to put the blame on you rather than recognizing his own role in the difficult feelings he had, and was also quick to change the narrative of the relationship when things didn't go his way. When it suited him, he was open and affectionate around you, but then downplayed it when things changed. He also lied about the severity of his anxiety attack by making it seem worse than it was. This shows a guy who doesn't know what he wants in a relationship, and who doesn't have the self-knowledge or maturity to handle one. Edited June 10, 2023 by Alpacalia
Lotsgoingon Posted June 10, 2023 Posted June 10, 2023 (edited) I wasn’t looking for anything but he actively pursued me a lot. Over time I started to think why not give it ago as we got along and he seemed sweet. There is a problem right there. You weren't really interested. It's best NOT to date if you are not interested. You want to date because you are REALLY interested, and the other person is really interested. That's just the start--things still might not work out. "Why not?" is NEVER a good reason to start dating someone. Might be fine for accepting an invite from an acquaintance but not for getting into a serious relationship. Now, if you want to date without much interest, you can do that, but you have to be careful. You go slow, you go cautiously. Dating is about opening up your heart. You do NOT open up your heart past the level of safety that you feel. That's for acquaintances who might want to be friends and people who want to date you. You want a simple rule?: Don't have sex until you really trust the other person. That nothing he says makes sense is an indictment of your own low standards and your unwillingness to screen people. Also an indictment on dating someone--and giving your heart away quickly--to a person you didn't even like very much. Two months and a crash is what you should expect when you date without real interest and when you don't date slowly and cautiously. Now, you're also giving away way too much power to this guy. As soon as he said the negative stuff about you, that's what your cue to end things. Instead, you apparently took his nasty words seriously. In other words, you took seriously criticism from a guy who is ambivalent that you weren't all that hot on dating. Can you see the problem here? He says you argue too much, and you know that's not true. Exit. Immediately. Exit. Really, I know this sounds extreme, really his words shouldn't hurt because you shouldn't trust him that much yet. You just gave your trust to someone who hasn't earned the trust and you're hurting when this person lashes out. Sounds arrogant, but you gotta get to the point when you can label someone an "idiot" and feel some anger. Not hurt, anger. And then you end things. Immediately! Allowing yourself to feel hurt is not all that different than taking seriously the random words of a mumbling stranger on the street who accuses you of some bad behavior. His anxiety? EFF his anxiety. You date someone because they can and be with you as you want to be with RIGHT NOW. You’re not his therapist—early on you do not want to be understanding. He's just making up excuses. Again, your job was to suss out this anxiety. If you had gone more slowly, you would probably have noticed his anxiety (assuming he isn't just lying to you). The bottom line is it's your job to figure out who this person is--and you don't take their word for it. You make the judgement based on listening, being honest, and holding to high standards. Edited June 10, 2023 by Lotsgoingon
ShyViolet Posted June 10, 2023 Posted June 10, 2023 You were only dating two months and the relationship already had all these problems.... yeah this definitely needed to end. You two were not compatible, and honestly he sounds like a huge jerk who is just not the nicest person. It doesn't matter whether the reasons he told you were the total truth. Analyzing that is not a good use of your time now. Just be grateful that this jerk is out of your life. Never put up with a guy who insults you and makes hurtful comments about you. You should have broken up with him the minute he did that. Just focus on moving on now. 1
basil67 Posted June 10, 2023 Posted June 10, 2023 15 hours ago, Lola20091997 said: Two Fridays ago he said so really hurtful things about my personality and made me feel like s*** and was very moody and snappy which shocked me. Basically said my personality was to much and I like to argue but I never tried to argue with him I would state an opinion but due to my tone of voice I can sometimes come across like that which I explain to him. <snip> said that he is scared as this whole dating is new to him as he usually has flings or gets used and abused by woman and his last long term relationship cheated on him the whole time. Oh no, you're too nice. You've missed this giant red flag. Sure, sometimes our words may come out wrong, but slagging off a partner when they do say something which comes out weird is not OK. Never OK. (And I'm not convinced that your words did come out poorly). Then add his history of dating women who (he alleges) used and abused him is probably BS too. (Odds on, he spoke to them like he spoke to you and is now playing the victim). Nobody is that unlucky in love. If you combine these two things, it's highly likely that he's going to eventually add you to the list of those who allegedly used and abused him.
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