Only have mild interest in her. do I keep going?

[Scotty Riggs]

Well, whadda ya know. Almost two weeks after ghosting me, she texted me tonight offering to buy us a meal this week (I paid last time). She did not, however, apologize or acknowledge ignoring my last text, an iMessage which was delivered.

Is it at all possible she didn't get my text? Even if not, she has never reached out, even just for friendly connection. To me, this is not normal dating.

I see my options as:

• Ignore her
• Ask if she got my text, and likely tell her I'm not interested, respectfully, given her continuous lack of reciprocity. Or just flat out ask her intentions.
• Ask her to bring a bottle of wine to my place Saturday night. (Kidding)

We met in March, so it's hard to believe she'll finally stop being flaky and I don't see this as relationship material. This might sound random, but if she was open to being, say, FWB, I might give that a shot. But I've never done that, haven't gotten such signs from her, and don't have the nerve to ask. I assume her flakiness mostly stems from being emotionally preoccupied by personal issues, and possibly lowered self worth from being laid off.

Edited June 22, 2023 by Scotty Riggs

[ExpatInItaly]

Be straightforward and tell her you aren't interested. 

Then stop communication with her. It's pointless. 

[glows]

Just to be clear - the last message was about what? Was it the one suggesting events? It’s possible none of them appealed to her and she didn’t want to hurt your feelings. I’m an advocate of being direct and honest so not keen about what she did here not responding entirely. A tactful answer suggesting alternative date ideas would have been ideal. 

Sorry you’re going through this. Usually delivered on an iMessage means the other person has received/seen it.

I wouldn’t ignore her if you find her company enjoyable. You just sound very annoyed that she ignored the previous message but you happen to be attracted to her. Fwb entails some involvement and emotional energy. If you are looking for something more along the lines of a monogamous and committed relationship I’d give the fwb option a pass. Be selective with your time and energy. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said:

 two weeks after ghosting me, she texted me tonight offering to buy us a meal this week. I don't see this as relationship material. 

That's true. A few here and there casual dates is not a relationship. If you want to meet for dinner, fine. If not that's fine too. However it's probably best not to deliberate on the best way to get even or stick it to her. That's a waste of your time. Just no thanks, delete and block.

It's best not to hope for more since you've already determined she's not relationship material. She doesn't seem to be this serious about it or care that much because after all, it's just casual dating so you're both still talking to and meeting others. 

Edited June 22, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Alpacalia]

Understandably, you're going to put some effort and time into getting to know someone you're "slightly interested" in to determine if the interest is greater, but recognize your limits when you're not all that jazzed to begin with.

You don't need to do much more than tell her that you appreciate her offer, but that it doesn't seem like a good fit. It's obvious you're making digs at her already. This is just your ego, and it isn't necessary. Cut yourself some slack and let it go.

If she's not as responsive as you would like or doesn't seem interested, I'd suggest you bow out graciously and without drama.

Edited June 22, 2023 by Alpacalia

[Scotty Riggs]

 

5 hours ago, Alpacalia said:

Understandably, you're going to put some effort and time into getting to know someone you're "slightly interested" in to determine if the interest is greater, but recognize your limits when you're not all that jazzed to begin with.

Thanks. Her lack of interest is enflaming my lack of interest. I'm annoyed, but I have no intention of making digs at her. If we communicated our expectations, I might be open to something; this just isn't my normal mode of dating and it's flakey.

10 hours ago, glows said:

Just to be clear - the last message was about what? [...] A tactful answer suggesting alternative date ideas would have been ideal. 

If you are looking for something more along the lines of a monogamous and committed relationship I’d give the fwb option a pass. Be selective with your time and energy. 

I invited her to join me on for some activities but she never responded. Now, 1.5 weeks later, she resumes like nothing happened. I find that rude/flakey.

The FWB/situationship idea was just because I'm lonely and find her attractive, and since her communication is so half-hearted. 

8 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

However it's probably best not to deliberate on the best way to get even or stick it to her. 

She doesn't seem to be this serious about it or care that much because after all, it's just casual dating so you're both still talking to and meeting others.

I don't want to get even. I want to be respectful.

Whether or not she's seeing anyone else (I kinda doubt it), I think it's wrong to ignore me, then just pop back in. Since I do like some of her qualities, if we communicated our expectations, I'd be open to a casual arrangement; this just isn't my normal mode of dating.

 

I'm tempted to leave the door open by texting:

"Respectfully, your sparse communication hasn't felt reciprocal. You're attractive and fun to hang with, and I welcome you to communicate what capacity or type of engagement you're open to. Maybe we can find a good medium. But I felt ignored in not hearing back from you on my last invite, and I don't wish to continue that dynamic."

If she ghosts, it's no loss, and I've expressed my boundary.

Edited June 22, 2023 by Scotty Riggs

[ExpatInItaly]

43 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said:

I'm tempted to leave the door open by texting:

"Respectfully, your sparse communication hasn't felt reciprocal. You're attractive and fun to hang with, and I welcome you to communicate what capacity or type of engagement you're open to. Maybe we can find a good medium. But I felt ignored in not hearing back from you on my last invite, and I don't wish to continue that dynamic."

Where is your sefl-respect, man? 

Don't waste time on women who don't give a crap about you. Don't invite them to continue communicating. Just say no and keep moving. 

[glows]

Too much and way too formal with that response. Keep in mind someone showing low interest/not enough response isn’t going to care that much about boundaries. You’re talking like this is a relationship or as if there’s mutual interest. 

When I said you don’t have to ignore her I meant reply about the meal she’s offering to take you out on. Or not. 

It sounds like you don’t consider her relationship material and that’s what you want. My point was not wasting time on something like fwb if that’s not your end goal. A lot of people get caught up in situationships that way and you just got out of one giant one last year.

[Scotty Riggs]

1 hour ago, glows said:

Too much and way too formal with that response. Keep in mind someone showing low interest/not enough response isn’t going to care that much about boundaries.  

It sounds like you don’t consider her relationship material and that’s what you want. My point was not wasting time on something like fwb if that’s not your end goal. A lot of people get caught up in situationships that way and you just got out of one giant one last year.

You're probably right. My main problem is I have no steady friends in my city. The few I have are busy parents, so it's very tempting to take her up on hanging out. But she's just not respecting me. There's a temptation to explore a "casual" thing because, at this point, I don't care that much about her (in other words, to "make chicken salad out of chicken s***"). But her emotional vacancy doesn't automatically mean she'd go for that.

At least before, she apologized for making excuses not to see me; now she ghosts, pretends it never happened, and wants to take me out to dinner. I can't wrap my head around this kind of behavior.

[ShyViolet]

Why are you even considering wasting any more time on this?  You literally just admitted that you don't care that much about her.  Why would you let her take up another ounce of your mental energy?  Do you really think it's better to settle for something like this just because you don't have many friends?  You need to move forward.

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said:

 I think it's wrong to ignore me, then just pop back in. 

If she's nothing but an irritation to you, cut your losses. It's better than getting burned out from dating.

Please don't bother with  relationship talks or behavior correction speeches. It comes across as bitter angry and desperate.

Dating is a what you see is what you get situation. It was a casual situation, you don't owe each other anything. 

[glows]

Okay. But then you have chicken sh-t salad. Not very palatable even metaphorically.. I know all too well what it’s like to break up and not know many people. Make new friends and go out of your comfort zone. It was so so so hard to do that but I’m glad I did. I didn’t keep in touch with most people but the pulling myself and getting out there to meet new people was so refreshing. 

You know the underlying issue is wanting more friends so go out and meet others on a once a week or once a month basis. Just one example here - I joined a weekend brunch club and ended up really enjoying it. I don’t go very often now but those people opened up my eyes and were so kind when I was quite muddled. Another idea I had was joining a womens golf group but never got around to it. One time I joined in on a group outting that was for singles and no intention of dating anyone like that. Yet?! I had a great time with that group. 

Regarding a casual thing with her whatever happens then. She can reach out. In the meantime think of yourself occupied and having engaging conversations with others. 

 

[Alpacalia]

5 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said:

Thanks. Her lack of interest is enflaming my lack of interest. I'm annoyed, but I have no intention of making digs at her. If we communicated our expectations, I might be open to something; this just isn't my normal mode of dating and it's flakey.

If you're okay with keeping it casual, which it doesn't sound like you are, then it's not an issue.

Step back and look at how frustrating it has become. It doesn't sound like you want to keep things casual, so it is understandable to want to reach some sort of conclusion or resolution. To someone that you've admitted you aren't very fond of.

Please try to reel yourself in.

Can you come up with something so intriguing and engaging that it causes the woman, who has not yet shown any signs of interest or responded with kind words, to think, “This person is so great! Why haven't I noticed before? I must act quickly to get to know them better"?

I totally hear you on wanting to be respected. That is extremely important. At the same time, keeping your focus on all the amazing opportunities ahead of you can help you to see the bigger picture. It is understandably upsetting to be rejected, but try to remember that there are other women out there, and not to dwell on one person that you're not all that into. 

You want to find a connection with someone. Not date someone who really isn't into the idea. Maybe this isn't the right connection or person for you to continue pursuing. Both people need to be on board. Otherwise you're just spinning your wheels. 

Instead, focus your time and energy on finding someone who is equally enthusiastic about the connection.

Edited June 23, 2023 by Alpacalia

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said:

There's a temptation to explore a "casual" thing because, at this point, I don't care that much about her 

This thread suggests the opposite. 

As such don't be your own worst enemy by trying to keep any random connection alive. 

[Scotty Riggs]

Honestly, we get along well in person, and there's a community event Saturday I wish we could attend together. But I resent her lack of response or acknowledgement to my previous invite, and I can't leave it unaddressed only to bite me later if/when she does it again.

I texted her today that I assumed she was no longer interested the other week based on her lack of response, and that I would just appreciate some communication. I tried to use a direct but non-aggressive tone. I don't anticipate a response though, as I doubt she has the emotional maturity to be accountable.

Edited June 23, 2023 by Scotty Riggs

[glows]

That’s fine. Just leave it alone now. Why carry that resentment around. Go to the event anyway. You don’t need her or anyone else to go with you for that matter.

[ExpatInItaly]

Scotty. 

You barely know this woman, from what I understand. You need to step back and ask yourself why you're hanging on to a random person who isn't that into you. You claim you don't have much interest but that is clearly not true, and she knows it, too. 

It's time for you to make other friends and stop imagining this woman wants to be your buddy. 

[Scotty Riggs]

42 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

It's time for you to make other friends and stop imagining this woman wants to be your buddy. 

Your framing seems off. Two days ago she unexpectedly offered to take me out to dinner. That wasn't imagined. I let her know I didn't appreciate her ignoring my last invitation, because that's rude in any type of relationship. So I'm guessing we're all done now.

Edited June 24, 2023 by Scotty Riggs

[ExpatInItaly]

11 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said:

Your framing seems off.

How?

From what I read, you two hardly know each other. She ignores you. She randomly gets in touch. You jump to attention and give her the time of day by responding, and also by thinking about reasons to keep her around (such as being  friends) 

It's clear you are not as done with her as you want us (and yourself) to believe. 

The question is - why not? 

[Scotty Riggs]

3 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

She ignores you. She randomly gets in touch. You jump to attention and give her the time of day by responding, and also by thinking about reasons to keep her around (such as being  friends) 

It's clear you are not as done with her as you want us (and yourself) to believe. 

She ignored me once, and two days after she reached out, I expressed my dissatisfaction. Two days later isn't "jumping to attention." I debated responding at all. Again, taking liberties with your framing.

Anyway, I'm guessing it's all done now since she seems socially ill-equipped. We had nice conversation and things in common, but I've reached my limit on half-assed interaction.

[Scotty Riggs]

2 hours ago, glows said:

That’s fine. Just leave it alone now. Why carry that resentment around. Go to the event anyway. You don’t need her or anyone else to go with you for that matter.

Thanks. I've been intently exploring local group activities for several months and haven't had much luck making new friends--mainly been building my community network and having warm chats when I run into familiar faces. I badly wish I had someone stable to enjoy my time with, but this was a good opportunity to exercise boundaries in the face of low-effort behavior.

[ExpatInItaly]

44 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said:

Two days later isn't "jumping to attention." 

We'll agree to disagree on that, then. 

It's good that you have reached your limits because you need to stop responding to her altogether. Utter waste of your time. 

[glows]

45 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said:

Thanks. I've been intently exploring local group activities for several months and haven't had much luck making new friends--mainly been building my community network and having warm chats when I run into familiar faces. I badly wish I had someone stable to enjoy my time with, but this was a good opportunity to exercise boundaries in the face of low-effort behavior.

Yeah. Just do your own thing. Friendships happen naturally over time. Ie first step - go to meet ups and chat. Second time around you chat again and meet others. Third time around you’re more familiar and maybe will make plans with the same people but without others if there’s something only a few of you enjoy. And so on.

It sounds like you’re looking for one person to spend time with. Screen carefully. You’re noticing red flags early on and good work with boundaries. It’s ok to walk away from this one if she annoys you so much (re comment about being socially inept). I mean.. I can really hear your frustration here. Be careful also not to bait someone into a reaction because you’re not getting enough response in general. I get why you said what you said in the last message. Now move on. If she wants to remain in your life she can rise to the challenge but it’s likely this isn’t going to happen. You also want someone who is undoubtedly interested esp this early on. No guessing games and no need to try so hard. Stay confident and move on.

[ShyViolet]

11 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said:

Anyway, I'm guessing it's all done now 

Why are you "guessing" it's all done now, instead of making a clear decision to cut this off?  You act as if you're a passive observer in this drawn-out interaction with this woman you aren't that interested in, and if she decides to pop back up and contact you again, you'll let it continue for another round.  Even though this clearly isn't working and it's just a waste of your time.

[Alpacalia]

18 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said:

I texted her today that I assumed she was no longer interested the other week based on her lack of response, and that I would just appreciate some communication. I tried to use a direct but non-aggressive tone. I don't anticipate a response though, as I doubt she has the emotional maturity to be accountable.

OP, she can be as emotionally immature as she wants.

For you, part of being emotionally mature means to disengage from situations and stop trying to control her behavior. You can't make her act differently. Focus on your own actions and reactions, and let her do the same. You can't expect her to take responsibility for her own emotions if you don't take responsibility for yours.

Not to get all mother hen on you but being emotionally mature also means cutting off relationships that aren't healthy for you.

Respect yourself enough to walk away and don't be afraid to be alone.

You'll be much better off for it.