Only have mild interest in her. do I keep going?

[Scotty Riggs]

I'm having trouble knowing if I should keep dating a woman, or escalate romantically. I approached her in public after being acquainted through Instagram in March. We had three meetups, in which I always initiated contact and never heard from her otherwise, before she suddenly said she had no free time. She's introverted and has had some personal hurdles (panic attacks, a layoff, a friend's death). I didn't respond to her rejection message, but three weeks later, she apologized and said a family conflict was the issue. I accepted, wished her family well, and suggested we catch up over a hike or food. A week later, she agreed and gave me her number. We had a meal this week, and as we walked to our cars, she was again apologetic about her absence. I gave her a casual side hug, which she embraced and turned into a firm frontal hug.

It could be from my very painful situationship last year, as well as this woman's pulling away and lack of enthusiasm/engagement, but after four dates, I still don't feel much enthusiasm for her. Ironically, the natural friendship and curiosity for each other that I had in my relationship last year, which I greatly value in a romance, seems lacking with this woman. She has yet to playfully text me just for fun, as I often did with the woman I dated last year (who was also dealing with breakup trauma and depression); I simply text her to plan dates, with silence in between. She's physically attractive, I enjoy her company and would like to keep spending time with her, but our conversation seems to be running thin, and I wonder about her expectation of me to romantically escalate (invite her to my house, kiss, have sex). We've never referred to us as "dating," but it seems obvious to me. I'm confident in my ability to "make a move," but perhaps it would be unwise to do so if I don't feel much for her yet, and I honestly don't know what kind of relationship she might be interested in.

Edited June 9, 2023 by Scotty Riggs

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said:

 She's physically attractive, I enjoy her company and would like to keep spending time with her, 

Do you feel there is attraction but no "chemistry"? Do the past incidents with her turn you off a bit? You could date a while and see how it goes, however if she's really not that exciting for you, try not to just get comfortable and coast along.

[Scotty Riggs]

22 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Do the past incidents with her turn you off a bit?

Yes, a combination of her behaviors have definitely hampered my enthusiasm. Her apology and asking to meet up were just enough for me to resume seeing her. Plus, her lack of texting tells me she's very mentally preoccupied and/or not enthusiastic about dating. We met Wednesday and we haven't talked since. She has family issues, has never once mentioned her father, and likely has some mental health struggles. I can make her smile and laugh, but she always has very lowkey energy and doesn't make much eye contact, so she comes off mature but guarded.

My recent painful situationship had me patiently courting a very guarded, wounded woman on the rebound, and I worry this could be a similar circumstance, but with even less reciprocity. I'd like to still offer to meet up for activities with her and see how it goes, but I could see it eventually falling apart once she pulls away again, or us having a "mutual ghosting" if I grow tired of the lack of reciprocity and stop contacting her.

With dating, I'm used to meeting up at least once a week, but this relationship might shake that expectation. If it doesn't feel reciprocated, I won't make too many attempts with her before possibly acknowledging/inviting her to reach out and ultimately dropping out altogether.

Edited June 9, 2023 by Scotty Riggs

[ShyViolet]

Don't waste her time by continuing this any further.  You should know by now whether you are really interested in her.  The chemistry is not there.  Stringing people along just because you don't currently have something better is an unkind thing to do.

[Scotty Riggs]

2 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Stringing people along just because you don't currently have something better is an unkind thing to do.

To string her along would assume she has enthusiasm for me, which is hard to detect. We might be in a similar mindset, in that we like each other but are coasting along and emotionally fatigued from misfortunes in our lives. Her lack of enthusiasm affects mine and becomes cyclical. Being unemployed might also make her feel undesirable.

It took me four dates to really feel something for the last woman I dated, but at least we texted and showed curiosity for one another from the start, and I expect that from someone I'm dating.

[Lotsgoingon]

Minor interest = no interest. 

 

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said:

To string her along would assume she has enthusiasm for me, which is hard to detect. We might be in a similar mindset, in that we like each other but are coasting along and emotionally fatigued from misfortunes in our lives. Her lack of enthusiasm affects mine and becomes cyclical. Being unemployed might also make her feel undesirable.

It took me four dates to really feel something for the last woman I dated, but at least we texted and showed curiosity for one another from the start, and I expect that from someone I'm dating.

This sounds like the most absolutely lackluster and joyless pairing of two people.  If you had chemistry, you wouldn't feel this way.  Why would you want to see someone again when there is a vibe between the two of you that there's no spark, no excitement, a very low level of interest, and a general dullness about your interactions?  Why is that something worth continuing? Don't you think you can do better?

[Wiseman2]

9 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said:

a combination of her behaviors have definitely hampered my enthusiasm. Her apology and asking to meet up were just enough for me to resume seeing her. 

Please be mindful that even a "meh" on/off situation could eat up time and energy better spent making new connections. While backsliding may seem easier, try to avoid the "devil you know" conundrum.

[Scotty Riggs]

  

3 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

This sounds like the most absolutely lackluster and joyless pairing of two people.

We're not some miserable pairing. As I said, I make her laugh and smile. We enjoy our interactions overall. But there seems to be an underlying guardedness, and the total lack of texts between dates doesn't feel right. It only makes sense that in my post I emphasize the problems/questions over the positives.

  

3 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

Don't you think you can do better?

I'm hopeful, but every time I've had what seemed like good chemistry and similar values & interests with someone, it either flamed out quickly, or it was eventually revealed to be a rebound. Many, many rebounds.

 

44 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Please be mindful that even a "meh" on/off situation could eat up time and energy better spent making new connections. 

Thanks. I'm still utilizing dating apps and in-person events to mingle, but the apps have always been Rebound City and rather plodding. I'm a magnet for women who just experienced the "worst year of their life" and have no business dating. This woman was a little unusual in that I met her on Instagram.

[Alpacalia]

My friend, it doesn't seem like you have a clear understanding of the nature of your relationship with this woman yet.

Based on what you've said it sounds like you're both "meh" about each other and it would be wise to just let it fizzle.

You're both dealing with personal difficulties and aren't exhibiting enthusiasm in making it a romance. Since she's not reciprocating your feelings as actively as you would like, why not focus your effort elsewhere and meet someone who is more interested in taking it to the next level?

It seems like neither of you feel strong enough chemistry or connection with each other to make any serious romantic move. Take it as a learning experience and consider what kinds of qualities you are looking for in a romantic partner so that you can keep it in mind whenever you go out and meet people in the future. 

You're both taking it slow and simply observing each other to see if there is mutual connection.

Which isn't inherently wrong....yet:

It sounds like you are stuck somewhere in between casual dating and romantic relationship territory with this woman, so I would suggest taking a step back and reflecting on what kind of connection you are looking for. I think an important point to consider is your previous dating experience - it could be that the chemistry and connection you had with the woman prior to this one was so powerful, that it is hard to experience that same kind of spark right away with someone new.

Edited June 10, 2023 by Alpacalia

[ShyViolet]

13 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said:

  I'm hopeful, but every time I've had what seemed like good chemistry and similar values & interests with someone, it either flamed out quickly, or it was eventually revealed to be a rebound. Many, many rebounds.

Only you can decide if it's more worth it to settle for this low-interest relationship instead of putting yourself out into the dating world again to possibly find someone better.

[Scotty Riggs]

I was torn on what to do, but I texted her yesterday about joining me to some events I wanted to check out. She never responded. What a surprise. If she does eventually respond, I'll either stay quiet or tell her I'm not interested in this anymore. 

To be honest, it was a painful day, because I also took a chance and texted a friend who seemed to start acting flighty towards me a few months ago for reasons unclear, about said event. She also did not respond. It's getting to the point that I can't even attend a concert by myself without being preoccupied by the potential of running into these people who've alienated me.

Edited June 11, 2023 by Scotty Riggs

[Ageless Wisdom23]

If Anything, Keep her for Now, For a casual friend to hang out with.  Leave everything else in Mother Nature's Hands, Don't overthink this.  You never Know how it Go.  Go Slow Though.

[Weezy1973]

It sounds like you’re just in a tough space right now and recovering from the fallout of you previous situationship. And you’re a bit raw, so things that you might have shrugged off are impacting you emotionally now. It might be time to take a break from dating. Focus on doing the things you like and achieving your goals.

[mortensorchid]

This is an example of a new term called zombieing - the person disappeared then reappears.  Why?  Reasons are many.  Some may have regretted a decision, some are lonely, some want to try it again, and some are evil - they play with people's emotions and feelings because it makes them happy.  Whatever the case may be, just move on.  This happened to me a few times and none of them and I are still in contact.  

[Scotty Riggs]

On 6/10/2023 at 3:52 PM, Alpacalia said:

It could be that the chemistry and connection you had with the woman prior to this one was so powerful, that it is hard to experience that same kind of spark right away with someone new.

Thank you. I've never had intense "chemistry" or "sparks," but copious fun/natural conversation and mutual curiosity are very important, and that was lacking here. I did have that in the previous relationship, but she was in a rebound, very conflicted and emotionally preoccupied the entire time. There definitely seemed to be a similar preoccupied/depressed/emotionally distant theme with both women, which is becoming very tiresome.

  

13 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

It sounds like you’re just in a tough space right now and recovering from the fallout of you previous situationship. And you’re a bit raw, so things that you might have shrugged off are impacting you emotionally now. It might be time to take a break from dating. Focus on doing the things you like and achieving your goals.

Thanks. I don't think I've ever felt so frustrated and burnt out from dating. I always try to show up with a direct yet easygoing, fun, curious and kind attitude, but I keep running into these same poor traits in women and I've hardly a clue how to avoid them. I very much want to get back to making art and music, so I should probably lean into that.

Edited June 12, 2023 by Scotty Riggs

[ExpatInItaly]

38 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said:

I very much want to get back to making art and music, so I should probably lean into that.

Yes, explore these interests for a little while. 

Take a bit of a break from dating. You're understandably getting burnt out. This last woman is no big loss, though, as it sounds like neither of you was actually all that interested in the other. 

[smackie9]

It's just a case of no chemistry....so why drag this out? 

[Scotty Riggs]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

It's just a case of no chemistry....so why drag this out? 

It's a done deal. It's just frustrating that after three dates and then ducking out, she then reached back out with apologies and wanting to date again, only to immediately drop out again. I'm very frustrated by the half-assed, push-pull behavior I've experienced from women over the last year. People need to learn to s*** or get off the pot.

[NuevoYorko]

35 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said:

It's a done deal. It's just frustrating that after three dates and then ducking out, she then reached back out with apologies and wanting to date again, only to immediately drop out again. I'm very frustrated by the half-assed, push-pull behavior I've experienced from women over the last year. People need to learn to s*** or get off the pot.

This is alarming, OP.  YOU said YOU "only had mild interest" in this woman.   Yet you seem to be in a hissy fit because evidently she feels the same way about you.   This isn't about "women," it's about your approach.   Stop dating women you don't like much, for starters.  

[Scotty Riggs]

3 hours ago, NuevoYorko said:

This is alarming, OP.  YOU said YOU "only had mild interest" in this woman.   Yet you seem to be in a hissy fit because evidently she feels the same way about you.   This isn't about "women," it's about your approach.   Stop dating women you don't like much, for starters.  

Having someone reach back out to me with apologies and asking for a second chance, only to back out again within days is very frustrating.

And I'm not saying it's a gender issue. I just happen to be a straight male.

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said:

Having someone reach back out to me with apologies and asking for a second chance, only to back out again within days is very frustrating.  

I would understand your frustration if you were dead keen on her, but you only had mild interest.  Perhaps your frustration more due to the woes of dating in general than the loss of this woman?  

6 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said:

Thanks. I'm still utilizing dating apps and in-person events to mingle, but the apps have always been Rebound City and rather plodding. I'm a magnet for women who just experienced the "worst year of their life" and have no business dating. This woman was a little unusual in that I met her on Instagram.

If someone arrives with a "worst year of my life" attitude, stop dating them. Likewise, if someone arrives with "all my exes were toxic!" stop dating them.  If someone is flaky, stop dating them.   Work on getting to the point where you are able to quickly spot someone who's not going to work out in the long run.  

And don't forget, those same women will be talking to other guys too.  It's not just you who's meeting with women who aren't ready.   And it works the other way too.  I've read a number of male posters who have a breakup, put some nice clothes on and head straight out to meet another woman.  They would be a bad bet for any woman who meets them.

[Wiseman2]

15 hours ago, Scotty Riggs said:

. I'm very frustrated by the half-assed, push-pull behavior . People need to learn to s*** or get off the pot.

If people are this flaky, it's a good idea to step back and put them in the "not interested, just another timewaster" bin asap.

The key to preventing dating burnout is to cut your losses early when you see signs of wishy-washy responses.

Save yourself a lot of headaches, heartaches and frustration by identifying flakes and timewasters early and moving on. Try not to invest your time or energy on people you have to pull teeth to get a straight answer from.

Edited June 13, 2023 by Wiseman2

[Scotty Riggs]

On 6/13/2023 at 2:45 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Save yourself a lot of headaches, heartaches and frustration by identifying flakes and timewasters early and moving on. Try not to invest your time or energy on people you have to pull teeth to get a straight answer from.

Thanks. I sometimes find myself taking an "I like you, but prove to me you're interested" strategy of silently waiting to see if they'll reach out, so that it isn't always me reaching out to make plans. I almost tried that Saturday but felt lonely and texted her. I used this strategy in my short-term relationship last year, and she would routinely text me after 1-2 days of silence, but she almost never initiated plans. Giving that space to make her miss me was depressing and exhausting and was the sign of an unhealthy, unsustainable dynamic. I wish I could find a more effortless relationship with reciprocated emotional availability  and enthusiasm to see one other, but it's very difficult.

Edited June 14, 2023 by Scotty Riggs

[basil67]

20 minutes ago, Scotty Riggs said:

 Giving that space to make her miss me was depressing and exhausting and was the sign of an unhealthy, unsustainable dynamic.

I can imagine!   If they aren't actively showing interest and planning dates with you, don't bother with them